Funny, Outrageous Reviews – Stank & Sawdust

Sometimes I get drunk on Franzia boxed wine and submit funny, outrageous online product reviews.  It is awesome.  This installment of reviews is about stank and sawdust.

vca_animal_hospital

Citysearch Review:   VCA Animal Hospital 

I heard some good things from several friends and co-workers about the VCA Animal Hospital on Library Road, and decided to give it a try when my cat, Molly Mittens, was acting very strangely when I got home from work one evening.

BIG MISTAKE.

It turns out Molly Mittens had to have an emergency surgery, which meant that I had to leave her at the hospital overnight.  Naturally, I was concerned and had some questions for the staff.  You would’ve thought that I was asking them to donate a kidney or something.  After asking a few general questions regarding follow-up care for Molly Mittens, and receiving no answers, one of the staff members abruptly told me to “Zip it, chatty Kathy.  Can’t you see I’m trying to watch Biggest Loser?”

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER, MR. LOSER!  I was furious.  I demanded to speak to the head staff in charge.  As I waited nearly 45 minutes in the lobby with TVs blaring and rap music blasting, I overheard one staff member say to his colleague, “Yo’ shawty.  Do it stank like animals up in this piece?”

OF COURSE IT SMELLS LIKE ANIMALS, TUPAC SHAKUR!  It’s called an animal hospital!

Lets just say that the staff was very rude and I don’t think that they even like animals.  To top things off, when I went to pick up Molly Mittens the next day, I noticed that she wasn’t acting quite herself.  At first, I thought it was because she was groggy from the surgery, but when I began to give her Eskimo kisses and started playfully scratching her underbelly, that’s when I noticed that the morons had given me the wrong cat.

I immediately went back to the hospital, and of course Tupac was outside smoking a cigarette.  He was the first staff member that caught the wrath of my fury.  When I asked him what in the hell was going on and why they gave me the wrong cat, he blew a puff of smoke and casually mentioned that my cat died, so they spray-painted another cat black hoping that I wouldn’t notice.

WELL YOU BETTER BELIEVE I NOTICED BUDDY!!! I told those cat killers that they’re going to have a lawsuit on their hands.  I’ve already been in touch with my lawyer and have began the proceedings.  I couldn’t believe it.

DO NOT BRING YOUR PET HERE IF YOU EXPECT TO TAKE THEM HOME ALIVE!

Pros:  comfortable seating
Cons:  killing cats and spray-painting them black

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

mancandles

Amazon Review:  2X4 Yankee Candle

I can’t stand all those fru-fru scented candles like Meadow Showers, Honey Dew Drops, and Fairy Rainbow Elves.  My ex-broad use to buy that crap, and it’d make me madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.  If I wanted candles to smell like a damn fruit or a flower, I’d just go buy a damn fruit or a flower.  If a candle should smell like anything, it should be the smell of railroad tar or engine grease.

So my buddy tells me there’s this new line of man candles, or mandles as he calls them, and he’s going on about it.  Shoulda’ heard him.  Son of a gun was happier than a bucktoothed gopher in a pile of soft dirt, so I figured I’d try ’em out and see what all the fuss was about.

I bought the Riding Mower and First Down scents, being that I’m a general sucker for the smell of fresh cut grass and leather spiked balls, but they wasn’t anything to write home about.  Better than Honeysuckle Cinnamon Truffles or Sunkissed Cookie Freckles, and all that other crap.  But the scent that made me harder than a woodpecker’s lips pecking away at a pine tree was the 2X4 scent.   It filled the whole house up and made it smell just like I was down at Pappy’s lumber mill.   Sawdust.  Now we’re gettin’ somewhere.

I got a new old lady, and she says the 2X4 scent makes her hotter’n an ol’ settin’ hen, settin’ eggs in a wool basket in the summertime.  As long as the old lady’s a happy camper, I’m a happy camper.  I’d recommend this mandle to all the fellas.

So that’s a 10-4 on the 2X4 good buddy.  5 stars, 3 cheers, and a perfect 10 for the sawdust scented mandle that’ll leave you happier than a puppy with 2 peters

86 thoughts on “Funny, Outrageous Reviews – Stank & Sawdust

      • Holy moses I forgot about 2Pac’s abs. I bet that’s how the kitty died. It took one look at those things and just decided to sacrifice its life in respect for those abs.

        Also, if I ever have money someday I’m opening “A Center for 2Pac Fans That’s Can’t Read [or spell] Good.” See examples of this tragedy below:

        “That crowd was fucking WACK!!! this is a once in a life time event and that fucking crowd should have went ape shit. But no , they did it” [They DID IIIIITTTT!]

        “damn i wish they made one where he does life goes on live! :(”

        “Liek ohmy god i cryed. Lol shut up morons.”

        “not possible im a 55 year  white woman and i ve had dimensional contact with him since 2008 he is passed ~ this hologram creates active movement though in the morphogenic fields of earth ~ we live in a quantum universe where all ~ All instances stay forever in eternity ~some of our world is holographic also any whos thats how the universe works~ why its so important to be of love i can feel him he is quite dead of a beating heart but quite ? alive in another dimension ~ blessings” [she might not need spelling help but just some adventure therapy or something]

        “I love you. You’re not under age do you?”

    • I have six cats. What kind of pussy you lookin’ for? Harry, Nina, Lola, Betty, Ernie, and Seven. I’ll have to ask a little more for Seven, because she has seven toes. She’s a mitten kitten (not a kitten anymore) who comes with stripes and the ability to tolerate a three-year-old boy. But she’s got a mouth like a sailor. Oh, and hey…ever think about responding to email, Dimwit? Or do you just go AT&T and reach out… (Are you old enough to get that reference?)

        • I sent an email to you asking if you wanted to swap posts (clearing throat). Actually, all you followers look alike. As far as third eye goes: I’m not quite 3rd eye blind but more 3rd eye cataract. I’m feeling for doorknobs and light switches, looking for angels and finding feather pillows.

  1. I just ordered a case of 2X4 — sure is expensive, but it sounds like it’s well worth its weight in gold. And, I do believe in reincarnation — Molly Mittens has returned and is living in the tire in the yard down by the coop. She now looks like a big, fat, elusive groundhog that plays hide-and-seek to gun blasts. Come get her, please. She misses you!

    PS There’s a shout out for The Dimwit (kind of) on my blog. It mostly features Aunt Ruthie’s roving eye, though.
    PPS Love your reviews. The. Best. Ever!

    • Yes, Molly Mittens is kickin’ it with my white tipped kitty, Champion – the one I named after a spark plug and was eaten by a possum shortly afterwards. I’ve had bad luck with pets it seems. But I do have a nice short story about Champion I may dust off and share at some point.

      Thanks for the shout out. I’ll give it a read and check out Aunt Ruthie’s lazy eye.

      PS. Got an idea for a Mother’s Day post. I won’t embarrass you too much, but I can’t promise the same for the Mary Poppins Photoshop tutorial that you’re featured in. It must suck being the mother of an ornery cuss. Hahahaha! Well, I’ll make it up to you with another trip or something. XO

      • Can you hear me taking in a long, deep breath? A Mary Poppins tutorial….Oh, giggity as your brother would say.
        PS I’m drippy-eyed thinking about Champion.
        PPS tell the guy that’s getting a bazillion emails to “uncheck” notify me of follow-up coments. He wants the one that says “notify me of new POSTS”.. (That made me feel powerful saying that!)

        • Well, the Mary Poppins tutorial is pretty dope. Let’s just say it’s a little payback for all those mornings you used to wake us up before school singing in your high pitched voice, flicking the lights on and off at 6 AM. I believe this is what they call Karma??? It’s all in good fun. I think you’ll like it.

  2. The animal hospital adventure was a treat and if true – sad. The only time I’ve ever heard of someone spray painting a cat was in the movie “Meet the parents” Ben Stiller’s character did that you curry favor with his future father-in-law.In this case, however, it appears the hospital is run by some of the biggest idiot on the planet – spraying a cat and believing no one would notice, unbelievable. Thanks for the read.

    • I know right?! Some life that would be. Bucktoothed gophers get all the luck. Well, happy Monday to you and may a pile of soft dirt find its way to your buckteeth this fine day. Just kidding. You have very nice teeth. Actually, I just made your gravatar-whoozy-ma-whazit large and you’re beautiful all around – teeth, smile, hair, eyes, hooped earrings. I guess that’s my way of saying thanks for reading. Cheers!

  3. hey there thanks for liking my blog, i agree with u that those scented candles drive me up the wall round the bend. i have known women, all of them, who love those candles too. what is it with them? You summed it up perfectly. Well, i hope we remain good friends for years to come. I feel I’m more of a dimwit than you except for the fact that i’m from england so my vernacular is different, ever so slightly. Well, you keep on riding high through the bog of eternal stench, you’re an inspiration to the nation, Obama should spoon feed you an honorary doctorate and have you up on stage performing alongside bruce springsteen at his third inauguration, you can play the triangle. I’ll be there too, playing saxamaphone. OK, better run, whaddathink I got nothin better to do? Well, I do. Check out my poetry books online for Pete’s sake, especially ‘The Butterfly Gate’ – we share a lot I feel.
    One love,
    Y. ( ymisdaq.bandcamp.com )

    • Holy crap! (I don’t know how you Englanders say that – holy crap?) It’s as if I was hearing my own voice in my head when I was reading your comment – my real voice, and not the many other voices that haunt me day and night. Saxamaphone? Bog of eternal stench? We’re gonna get along just fine I see. Well, a fine comment like yours, sir dimwit, does peak the curiosity further, so I will gladly read your poetry and books online when I get some time soon. I have things to do as well, you know. Like make Photoshop tutorials about ferocious wolves in pop up tents.

      It’s been my pleasure.
      One love indeed,
      The Dimwit

        • Ha! Sorry Marty. I’m a wild man. As far as how many cups of coffee, oh, say about say 3 or 4 cups so far. I think somewhere there’s a button where you can unsubscribe or unfollow the notifications??? Wish I was more helpful, but I do know there’s a way you can stop getting all the emails. Hope you find it, because it can get rather tiresome, especially if you’re only on cup #1.

      • heybro whats yer email??
        AND IF U listen to my new LP (“If You Ask Me, Yes”) – make sure you hear the tea-in-Manhattan-song. I think you’ll get it :)

        ADIOS for now, whaddathink I got nothin better to do? I’m gonna go get coffee to wake up my brain and annoy your blog followers.
        Y.

    • Don! Good to hear from you as always. Yes, he did go outside of the hospital, which was very kind of him. I can’t be too harsh on the gentlemen, as I’ve been known to smoke as well – started at the ripe, old age of 13 thanks in part to growing up in a small town before all of those “Must look like you’re 106” policies that they have in place now, and would tell the kind ladies that the carton of cigarettes were for my older brothers (who were also minors, but you know). It is a terrible habit. I’ve quit 76 times successfully, and have been smoke free for a while now. This is longer than I had intended, so I do apologize Don, and hope you won’t hold it against the Dimwit. Have a good one Don! Talk to ya soon…

  4. oh! That’s as bad as the time my optometrist installed velcro on my nose in lieu of fixing my frames!! I mean, didn’t he have tape?

    I was pretty sure you were B’S’ing until I read your number crunch. Numbers like that don’t lie!

  5. Sometimes I take a break from making my own bear tallow soap and drive two hours to true civilization (real civilization is defined as having a Target). I like to go to the mall and buy items at Anthropologie and pass them off on Etsy as being made lovingly by mountain folk. Each time I walk by a Bath and Body works in the mall, I fall on the floor and convulse in an asthmatic fit. The people who work in that store should wear pink gas masks. We should try to extract information from terrorists by making them work at Bath and Body Works until they can take the “fresh vanilla pear goji-berry” scent no longer…terrorism=solved.
    And while on the scented candle subject (sort of) I recently saw a candle called “Mark Twain’s Library” with hints of tobacco and humor or something. Well, I work at a college library and it smells like sweaty athletes, moldy books and hand sanitizer. I’m making that candle…

    • I saved replying to this because, well, simply put it’s genius. I loved it and it made the Dimwit dingaling smile and laugh a good one. God, it’s hilarious, and it has me scratching my head how to respond. So let’s just say this. I tip my hat to you, whoever you are (especially for the Mark Twain Library comment.) I can see you too like to give the world a shake. Give it a rattle. And have some fun. Cheers.

      • So last night the angel Moroni came to me in a dream (which is weird bc we haven’t spoken in a while) and told me I must see to it that a Stephenie Meyer library candle is made for all to burn! With hints of curly fries, out gassing McMansions and missionary back sweat it will inspire fan fiction from the masses. I told Moroni to back off, I’ll get to Stephenie when I’m done with my Tammy Faye Bakker Messner library candle…the smell of acrid burning plastic and aqua net just isn’t right yet. And thanks for inspiring me to think so early in the morning…that was tough.

        • I simply want to say I’m very new to blggoing and site-building and actually savored you’re website. Almost certainly I’m want to bookmark your site . You absolutely have really good articles and reviews. Bless you for sharing with us your web site.

  6. Never been much for cats but Molly Mittens deserved far better than the sub literate disaffections of a group of slang-addled knuckle draggers. You ought to be met with courteous professionalism, not the blank stare of the breathing dead. I say get a change of address card from the post office and forward their mail to Uzbekastan. Sympathies for miss Molly. Hope the sort-of-black cat you returned didn’t end up as a toilet brush herself.

    • Thanks for the sympathies, Michael. It’s been a rough week, you know. I just gotta believe Molly Mittens is up there somewhere with Pepper Spray and Mace, just rollin’ around in them puffy clouds and havin’ a good, old time. You’re a good man. Cheers.

  7. LMAO; omg you freakin’ crack me up. it’s a good thing i’ve followed for a lil bit and know that you’re apt to make these stories up or i’d be fuming angry for you and molly mittens (i can be a bit naive at times; love that name for your cat fyi)- i suppose the sad part is there is an animal hospital out there that is similar to that atmosphere. it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if we do actually see “mandles” on the market at some point in which your review will be quite helpful. it’ll probably be sold in a store like bath and bodyworks but for men -im not sure what they’ll call it but im willing to bet you could come up with a great name for it. :)

    • Hey, well guess what?! The mandles are true. Do a Google search for them and you’ll see the Riding Mower, First Down, and 2 x 4 scents. I think they have another man scent too, but I forget what it’s called. It won’t be long until Railroad Tar & Engine Grease become a reality! What’ll they think of next? Mandles….

      Well, thanks for reading! Cheers.

    • Sorry about that. Hopefully you were sitting down in such a place where peeing is preferred.

      Well, I like to give out compliments along the way here and there, just cause it’s nice to do, and it makes me feel good and others feel good. So I just wanted to say you have a really pretty smile and just one of those nice, warm glows about you. Hope you don’t mind me saying so, but figured that’s the least I could do for a gal that I just made pee her pants. Cheers!

      • Charmed! Thanks!
        But ima have to get a mandle. Dang straight. I’m all up on the smell of fresh cut grass…and I’m way overdue for a for a box of tissues and an order of sneezes. Yeah…they get one called fresh tilled soil? I am ALL in!

  8. Dude sometimes your tales are so realistic I stop and say ” wait is this real?” . Poor helpless souls that stumble upon your reviews lol. I love them. I would die laughing if I actually came across something like this when reading product reviews.

    • That’s mostly why I write them. I like to envision someone late at night after a long day of work, maybe after having a bad week, researching a product online. They read through several reviews. Okay, okay. Sounds good. And then they get to one of mine. Hopefully they have a sense of humor, and hopefully my review makes them laugh out loud and have a better week. That’s the hope anyway. Well, glad you have a sense of humor and enjoyed it!

    • Franzia FTW!!! Usually I’m a whiskey guy, but I’m too poor to buy any at the moment. But the Franzia’s been treating me pretty well, so I may just have to put it on the regular rotation even when I’m back to work. A Franzia toast to you my friend….Cheers.

  9. I’ve got an idea! Since I’m unemployed at the moment, we should open our own animal hospital. I’m sure we can do a better job than Tupac, and we can put mandles in the waiting area and in the examination rooms. I heard that sawdust covers the smell of pissy kitties and puppies with two peters, so this would be perfect.

    • YES! You’re full of bright ideas, and I like that. I’m unemployed at the moment too, so maybe this is what they mean by the stars aligning and all that stuff. Maybe the Dimwit and Miss Murder were meant to start up an animal clinic together. Well, I’ve not got much in the way of business sense, so I’ll leave that up to you to put togther. But I can design some really cool logos and branding, so I’ll handle that portion. Cheers!

  10. “madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire”…is this trademarked because if not, I’m totally using it in my staff meeting, lol! Loved the story…when you can incorporate a Tupac reference and spraypainted cat into the same paragraph, you have caught my attention.

    • Hey thanks! Well, I can’t take credit for that line. What I did is researched “Redneck quotes” or something like that. And they had all these terrific sayings. I altered some of them a bit, added or subtracted a few lines and woolah! The Tupac and spraypainted cat was probably just too much alcohol for the evening, but you take inspiration wherever you can find it. Glad I caught your attention and hoping you’ll come back for some more! Feel free to use any lines you like. Cheers.

    • Fantastically superior bless you, It is actaluly my opinion your trusty followers may well want far more information and facts like this preserve up the wonderful effort.

  11. Please tell me that really *was* your mother…I’m afraid to tell my mom about my profanity laden blog. She might disown me and I’m hoping for a hum-dinger of an inheritance check. Anyway – if that REALLY WAS your mom…that’s rad.

    I have a pair of flip-flops that I had to buy once out of the men’s section of the store – not because they didn’t have my SIZE – but because they were only $5 and the women’s were like $20 and I thought to myself WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!? I just need a pair of your run-of-the-mill flip-flops! I’m not trying to support a large Chinese Family for chrissakes!!! So I bought the men’s sandals and I call them, “Mandals”. Now – you tell ME if we weren’t meant to meet. OH, I THINK SO!!!!!!

    • Yes, that really is my Mom. She’s had to put up with my antics for 35 years now, so there’s not too much she hasn’t heard come out of my mouth by now. I just tell her, think of it this way. I’m preparing you for sainthood when you die. If you can tolerate and still love me after all these years, then you’re a saint. So really, I have her best interests in mind.

      I liked the mandal story, kindred spirit! We were meant to meet for sure. And one of these days we’ll even meet up in person. I’ll come to one of your block parties and we’ll both wear our flip flops and have a grand time. XO

  12. In the VCA’s defense, I heard that giving second-hand-smoke to animals really helps cure the pet obesity epidemic; something about curbing their appetite.

    You’re funny, Dimmi.

    • Thanks tumbleweed! You’re funny too. Hey, you changed your avatar-whoozy-ma-whatzit. Nice. It looks good. I liked them both, but this one is in color, so maybe I like it more. Color suits you. You’re a colorful kinda gal.

      Well, in a few days, it’s time to stir up a little mystery if you know what I mean, and I think that you probably do. It should be fun. XO

      • Colorful. That can be good & that can be bad. I’ll stroke my ego and go with good.

        Yeee! I do love a good mystery (even though it’s not really a mystery to me, but a girl can pretend). It’ll be the most action I’ve gotten in years.

    • Tupac, what a guy. His legend lives on through you and your wife. I would like to read that story, so I’ll be reading it for sure. I love a romance story that involves Tupac. And tell your wife to go ahead. She won’t get much out of me, but the court hearings will be a blast. I’ll tell some tall tales, drive the lawyers nuts, and maybe we’ll all go out for a drink later and swap Tupac stories. Sounds good to me…

  13. Besides your animated post, I think people who give comments on your blog are also creative and they are fun to read. Wish WordPress have Like button for comments too. Anyway, glad that I read them before submitting my comment so I knew that the cat story is made-up. I actually doubted that cause you should be furiously sad not funnily sad if it’s true. ;)

  14. That scent should really be marketed. My 11 year old acts like she is a kitten and received an overdose of catnip when we go into Lowes’. She inhales her toes into her lungs, then sighs and says: Mom, when I grow up I am coming here to work and NEVER leaving. God help the men who smell like sawdust when she is 14, I will have to pry her off them with a crowbar… :)
    And BTW, I actually had an incident not dissimilar from your cat story at an emergency pet hospital once. At least my cat was alive, but they had sutured a catheter into his penis. He was loopy with pain and overdosed on something that made him fall over each time we tried to stand him up.

    • Oh man! Sorry to hear about the penis mishap for your cat. I spent time in an animal clinic to support my friend whose dog was in for surgery. It was a similar experience to this, and that’s how I got the idea. Funny story about your daughter! Thanks for sharing. Cheers to you and sawdust…

    • Yes, it’s me dear. And yes, I will take out the trash right after I’m finished watching sports highlights, so please stop nagging. Also, thanks for dinner. The chicken parm was delicious. :)

      • Oh honey, you know how my life is all about you, don’t you sweat that trash, babycakes. If a girl can’t submit, well then, she just can’t be as lucky as I, can she? Now, about this blog, even though you told me you were writing a book, as you slipped away every night after dinner, I could never stay angry with you. Now hurry up and come to bed, these candles don’t have much burn time left, and you know how I love the smell of 2×4’s. Oh, and Molly Mittens seems to have stepped in some candle wax drippings, you’re going to have to take her in again.

    • It’s the best! They actually exist. There’s this whole “man” thing going on. Mandles, mancave, manziers – did you ever hear that one? Manziers, like bras for men. I think it mighta started with Seinfeld or something. Well, glad you got a good laugh. Cheers.

  15. Forget match.com, use the mandles to draw the ladies in. If I still lived in Pittsburgh I’d be looking for a man who cuts grass and uses a saw. My cupcake candle tricks guys into thinking I can bake.

    • Okay, well I took your advice. I went to Target, bought 37 mandles and lit them all. I have a small apartment….barely able to breath….choking….dying actually….too much sawdust and first downs……gonna go put on some short shorts…..and go cut the grass. Ladies should be here any minute. Hey, cupcakes! I love cupcakes!!! ….I gotta go….cheers to you.

      • 37 mandles… I thought I was smelling sawdust. (I’m only 150 miles south of you.) I hear short shorts bring all the girls to the yard.
        Oh and while you’ve got the short shorts on and the mower out you can cut my grass too. I’ll make cupcakes!

        • Did you say cupcakes!!! Well, I’ve done crazier things for a cupcake (don’t ask.) I’ll be right over, in say, about 2 1/2 hours. Look for me. I’ll be the one with a sawdust mandle on his dashboard wearing short shorts. XO

    • It does doesn’t it? After typing it and deciding it sounded pretty good, I sent it to Yankee candle for a suggestion, so we’ll see. It may be a thing one day. While I was at it, I sent them the other 62 names that I came up with. So we’ll see about those ones too.

  16. I’d like to place an order for two Riding Mower mandles, please. Am I in the right place?
    Takes me back to my early teens when cutting the grass was my summer chore, to the soundtrack of the Beatles’ White Album (courtesy of my walkman). Also, I was convinced the riding mower was preparing me for driving a car. Felt pretty damn cool riding that machine around! Oh, nostalgia.

    • Nice, the White Album! I grew up in a small town. No good record stores around, so I signed up for like 20 BMG and Columbia House music club accounts. I would have to randomly order CDs and hope for the best. It was trial and error. Sometimes I would mow the grass listening to Bryan Adams “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You.” It wasn’t ideal. The White Album is a much better lawn mowing soundtrack. Dig it, Sound Hippy. You’re all right.

      • That was shortly after I discovered The Beatles and became ob-sessed. You might’ve spoken too soon, however. Just a few years prior I had a Michael Bolton tape. Michael Bolton! What business a nine-year-old had with Time, Love & Tenderness I’ll never know. I also had a 90s hits piano book that had “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” in it. Which I might have practiced. A lot.

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