review | The Dimwit Diary

Sometimes I get drunk on Franzia boxed wine and submit funny, outrageous online product reviews. It is awesome. This installment of reviews is about stank and sawdust.

Citysearch Review: VCA Animal Hospital

I heard some good things from several friends and co-workers about the VCA Animal Hospital on Library Road, and decided to give it a try when my cat, Molly Mittens, was acting very strangely when I got home from work one evening.

BIG MISTAKE.

It turns out Molly Mittens had to have an emergency surgery, which meant that I had to leave her at the hospital overnight. Naturally, I was concerned and had some questions for the staff. You would’ve thought that I was asking them to donate a kidney or something. After asking a few general questions regarding follow-up care for Molly Mittens, and receiving no answers, one of the staff members abruptly told me to “Zip it, chatty Kathy. Can’t you see I’m trying to watch Biggest Loser?”

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER, MR. LOSER! I was furious. I demanded to speak to the head staff in charge. As I waited nearly 45 minutes in the lobby with TVs blaring and rap music blasting, I overheard one staff member say to his colleague, “Yo’ shawty. Do it stank like animals up in this piece?”

OF COURSE IT SMELLS LIKE ANIMALS, TUPAC SHAKUR! It’s called an animal hospital!

Lets just say that the staff was very rude and I don’t think that they even like animals. To top things off, when I went to pick up Molly Mittens the next day, I noticed that she wasn’t acting quite herself. At first, I thought it was because she was groggy from the surgery, but when I began to give her Eskimo kisses and started playfully scratching her underbelly, that’s when I noticed that the morons had given me the wrong cat.

I immediately went back to the hospital, and of course Tupac was outside smoking a cigarette. He was the first staff member that caught the wrath of my fury. When I asked him what in the hell was going on and why they gave me the wrong cat, he blew a puff of smoke and casually mentioned that my cat died, so they spray-painted another cat black hoping that I wouldn’t notice.

WELL YOU BETTER BELIEVE I NOTICED BUDDY!!! I told those cat killers that they’re going to have a lawsuit on their hands. I’ve already been in touch with my lawyer and have began the proceedings. I couldn’t believe it.

DO NOT BRING YOUR PET HERE IF YOU EXPECT TO TAKE THEM HOME ALIVE!

Pros: comfortable seating
Cons: killing cats and spray-painting them black

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Amazon Review: 2X4 Yankee Candle

I can’t stand all those fru-fru scented candles like Meadow Showers, Honey Dew Drops, and Fairy Rainbow Elves. My ex-broad use to buy that crap, and it’d make me madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire. If I wanted candles to smell like a damn fruit or a flower, I’d just go buy a damn fruit or a flower. If a candle should smell like anything, it should be the smell of railroad tar or engine grease.

So my buddy tells me there’s this new line of man candles, or mandles as he calls them, and he’s going on about it. Shoulda’ heard him. Son of a gun was happier than a bucktoothed gopher in a pile of soft dirt, so I figured I’d try ’em out and see what all the fuss was about.

I bought the Riding Mower and First Down scents, being that I’m a general sucker for the smell of fresh cut grass and leather spiked balls, but they wasn’t anything to write home about. Better than Honeysuckle Cinnamon Truffles or Sunkissed Cookie Freckles, and all that other crap. But the scent that made me harder than a woodpecker’s lips pecking away at a pine tree was the 2X4 scent. It filled the whole house up and made it smell just like I was down at Pappy’s lumber mill. Sawdust. Now we’re gettin’ somewhere.

I got a new old lady, and she says the 2X4 scent makes her hotter’n an ol’ settin’ hen, settin’ eggs in a wool basket in the summertime. As long as the old lady’s a happy camper, I’m a happy camper. I’d recommend this mandle to all the fellas.

So that’s a 10-4 on the 2X4 good buddy. 5 stars, 3 cheers, and a perfect 10 for the sawdust scented mandle that’ll leave you happier than a puppy with 2 peters

Sometimes I get drunk on Franzia boxed wine and submit funny, outrageous product reviews online. It is awesome. This installment of reviews is about unicorns and skulls.

Amazon Review: The Unicorn Castle Tee

Besides the obvious reasons to gush about the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt – the gorgeous lavender colors, the mighty and magical pose of the unicorn frolicking about in an isolated patch of green meadow field, the warm sparkle bursts of pinks and yellows gleaming from its golden, long spiraled horn, the splash of rainbow colors sweeping across the sky, and of course, the guardian castle nestled soundly in the clouds, as if it were keeping a watchful eye over the pure, white mystical unicorn beauty – I was not expecting to be writing a gushing review about how many compliments I received while wearing the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt at the monster truck rally the other night. Sheesh. It was exhilarating!

When I first received the T-shirt as a birthday present from my grandmother, I thought the unicorn was a little feminine and too cutesy for a 35 year old man to be wearing around in public. However, my good friends assured me that the T-shirt looked great on me even though it was a size too small and fit rather snugly. They also informed me that unicorns are the hottest new men’s fashion trend this season, and that every guy is wearing them. They’re always up on those sorts of things, so I took their word for it and decided to wear the unicorn shirt to the monster truck rally that weekend.

As my buddies and I made our way to our seats, I received compliment after compliment, many of which I had never even heard of before: anal jabber, turd burglar, butt buddy, corn holer, knob jockey, poo pusher, pillow biter, butt pirate, pole smoker, sausage bandit, anal assassin, bone smuggler, fudgepacker, and someone even called me Abigale.

At first, I was growing quite concerned that the compliments weren’t compliments at all. I thought they might be homosexual slurs by the way all of the burly, intoxicated men were yelling so loudly and gnashing their teeth at me. They seemed ravenous. Almost like there was a fire behind their eyes. But my friends assured me that they were just yelling because the monster trucks were so loud. I guess the foamy mouthed men really did admire my magical Unicorn Castle T-Shirt, because the compliments continued to be hurled at me for the entire course of the three hour event. It felt wonderful to be so appreciated!

So my compliment to you Amazon: thank you for the confidence boost. I’ve never felt so loved in all of my life. I would imagine this is a very small sampling of what it must feel like to be a famous actor. I can’t wait to show off the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt at the gun show this weekend!!!

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iTunes Review: The Ting Tings “Sounds From Nowheresville” CD

Hello, I’ve never done one of these things before so I don’t know who to address this to exactly, but this is Brandon’s mother. I found this vile piece of filth in his bedroom this morning when he was off to school receiving an education, something the Ting Tings clearly have gone without.

First of all, what on Earth is a Ting Ting? Is that some kind of drug reference for smoking marijuana joints? I only hope so, not because I’m delighted to know that my son is more than likely using the recreational substance based upon the 12 foot, life sized cobra snake bong that I found in his closet, but because one would have to be stoned out of their mind to listen to this kind of garbage.

After the graphic shock of seeing a skull faced man and woman with torn, ratty clothes, and disheveled hair, I must say that I was rather intrigued by the cover art as to what kind of Satanic influenced, Devil worshiping music that my son was pumping into his 15 year old, impressionable ears.

And after spending close to an hour trying to figure out how to play the CD in Brandon’s stereo, and inadvertently stumbling across his extensive collection of chubby chaser porno graphical videos, I can’t say that I was all too surprised by the blast of screeching guitars and garbled nonsense that came pumping out of the speakers.

Our Father who art in Heaven, have mercy on the Ting Ting, thick brained skulls, because I can’t promise I’ll be as kind if I ever get a hold of you two tingleberries.

Here’s some advice: take a cue from the title of your first track, and remain SILENT from here on out. Take your music and bury it deep in NOWHERESVILLE where it belongs. And here’s a final piece of advice: take the suggestion from the title of your last track, and go get some HELP! You obviously need it, and so will my son when he gets home from school in another hour.

– Brandon’s Mom