3,000 Dimwits – A Thank You

Double your pleasure, double your fun.  It’s a double post kinda day.  Doubly exciting.  And to what do we owe this pleasure, you ask?  Welp, we reached 3,000 dimwits, and going strong.   Most excellent, dear readers.  Thanks and double thanks.

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My brother texted me the other day – the brother that I always talk about.  He goes by the one syllable name, Joe, but I call him “Broseph.”  It’s a play on his full name Joseph and him being my brother incase you didn’t put two and two together.  I’m terrible at math myself, so don’t feel so bad if it went over your head.

Broseph reads my blog regularly.  He said in the text, “You’re really finding your voice.  And it’s fantastic.”  Then he went on to say something about hurry the hell up and write my book.  To which I replied something like, “Thanks dude!  I’m close, oh so very close.”  Then I said something lame about how my blog is like a very rough sketchbook, and the book will be my finished painting.  It was LAME-O.  Lamesville, USA.  But it’s kinda the truth, I hope.

When I write on my blog, it’s just me dumping my thoughts onto a screen real quick.  I don’t put much time into it.  I don’t go back and fix things.  I just sit down and write whatever’s on my mind at the time.  Let it all gush out.  I’m just as surprised as you are to see what comes out of my mouth, believe me.  I can’t believe some of the stuff I write.  What a dimwit dingaling!!!  The Captain of the Dimwits, for sure.

Well, this is a post mainly to say thanks to those who read my madness even though I just thanked you a few posts ago.  It really does mean a lot to me.  It also meant a lot that my brother told me he’s eagerly anticipating my finished book, because unlike me, he actually does read a lot of books.  He knows a good writer when he reads one, and he insists that I have what it takes.  He tells me I have something special, so I take his word for it.  It’s a very trusted word.

I sure hope Broseph is right.  I sure hope I have a doozy in me.  I think I do.  I’ve begun saving up money to take off time next year to give it a stab.  See what happens.  And today, I just lined up a cabin to stay for free out in North Carolina.  I saw photos, and it looks like the perfect kind of place to write a beautiful painting.  I’m going for a masterpiece.  One for the ages.  Or at the very least, one to stick on top of the toilet for when you’re bored.

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Of course with me, saying thanks is never quite enough, so I went ahead and did up a nice photo to include on the inside jacket of the book.  I don’t know.  I may play around with it some more.  Photoshop a parrot on my shoulder, or maybe an eye patch, or something more Pirate-esque.  It needs a little something more, but it’ll have to do for now.  I autographed the photo for you and everything.  When the real book comes out, the very first book I’ll autograph will be for Broseph.  I have to think more of what I want to say, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something.

Here you go, you dimwits.  Thanks.

And one last quick thing speaking of autographs.  A while back, I told you about how I’m sorta friends with Stephen Chbosky – the author of “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  I met him on the movie version of the book two years ago and I stayed in touch somewhat.

Well, I recently asked Stephen to autograph a book for my former roommates’ newly adopted, teenage daughter.  The teenage gal is a big fan of Perks.  My former roomie sent me a text a week or so ago.  She included a photo of her daughter just after she opened up the package to reveal the signed book.  Her daughter had her hands clasped tight together, held close to her chest.  Almost like a position of an answered prayer.  Her face was pure glee.  She was crawling out of her skin with delight.

When I finish my book, I’m going to sign it and do the same sorts of things as Stephen.  I hope it will be a light for others.  I hope it will be a spark for certain people that desperately need a light or a spark.  I hope to make a newly adopted teenager’s day when she’s going through a really rough spell.  I hope my book will be an answered prayer for some.

I sure hope my brother is right.  Thanks Broseph.  Double thanks.

A Thank You – Fabulous

Quick story for you, you dimwits.  The other day, there were two kids and an older gentleman sitting on the steps.  The kids were a boy about 12 and a girl about 8.  The older gentleman asks me if I’m part of the film crew.  I said, “Yes sir, I am.  That’s me causing all this trouble in your neighborhood.  Are these your kids?”

He replied, “No, these are my students.  I’m waiting here with them until their parents pick them up.”  I said “Cool,” and then I asked the kids, “So what’s your favorite subject in school?”  The boy answered without hesitation.  He says in a girlish, prepubescent voice, “I want to be a writer.”  I told him good answer.  Being a writer is a wonderful career choice.  Then the kid talked my ear off for the next 17 minutes.  He wouldn’t shut up.

The little girl was a little more bashful, so once Chatty Kathy finally shut his piehole, I asked her again.  “So what’s your favorite subject?”  She puts her head down, thinks about it for a second, and then softly says, “Being with my family.”

I told the little girl that was a good answer too, but too bad that wasn’t the question.   I said good thing they don’t teach Listening as a school subject, or you’d fail miserably.

Can you believe it?  Twelve years old, and this kid already knows he wants to be a writer.  I didn’t know that I wanted to be a writer until I was 26.  It was an accident, really.  I created a funny character on MySpace named Ralph, and the character started to take off.  I built up a pretty big following from people all over the world.  It was wild.  I had no idea what the hell was going on.

My brother read my stuff and he sends me an email one day.  He said my writing reminded him of this famous author.  My brother said my writing is similar to this book he recently read.  The book was called “The Catcher in the Rye.”  He knows I don’t read much, but he suggested I read it.   I borrowed the book from him, and gave it a read.  It’s been almost ten years now, and I still haven’t returned that book.  It’s the greatest book that I’ve ever read.  It was some compliment my brother gave me.  The Catcher in the Rye.

I’ve had several people tell me that my writing style reminds them of J.D. Salinger.  Those are big shoes to fill.  He’s one of the best authors of all time.  I don’t know that I’ll ever get there, but that’s the goal anyway.

Just like Chatty Kathy, one day I want to be a writer, too.    I think I have it in me, and that’s the first place being a writer begins – with you.  Not with some crappy ass teacher who barks all these rules at you, and tells you there’s only one way to write.  There’s a million ways to write a story.  My way just happens to be a little off.  Lots of mistakes.  Sloppy, wreckless, poetic, insightful, up, down, sideways, raw and rough, tender and sweet, wild and free.  Mix the ingredients all up, and hopefully one day it’ll make for an interesting book.  The kind of book that you borrow from a friend and never want to return.

Well, I just wanted to say thanks.  Saying thanks is important.  This blog is just for practice, but it’s nice that so many of you have stuck around, and that so many of you that leave come back to check in from time to time.  And for you regulars, it’s amazing to me that you read my madness on such a consistent basis when there’s a million other things you could be doing with your time.

This one is especially for you.  How’s about an autographed photo of me dressed up like a Roman soldier, wearing cowboy boots, camo shorts, old geezer blue blockers, doing a little fishing in a swimming pool, and sitting right next to the one, the only, the effervescent Whoopi Goldberg.  Many thanks.

I woulda had Whoopi sign it too, but she says she was having a bad hair day.  She refused, but I think her cornrows look fabulous.   Just like you dimwits.  Fabulous.  Thanks again.

Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch (IMDb)

No time for chit chat.  No rest for the weary.  Work has been crazy busy this month.  It has the madman all tied up, but I just wanted to have a quickie with you dimwits before I get back to the grindstone.

One of these days I’ll share the story of how I broke into the biz.  How I took the film industry by storm.  It’s a pretty cool story.  It involves lots of prostitution, a donkey, and piles of cocaine.   I’m only kidding.  The donkey had nothing to do with it, but it’s still a pretty wild story as you might have guessed.  It’s been some bizarre life.

I don’t have time to respond to emails at the moment, but some of you have written me some incredibly endearing ones.  It blows my mind.  How could strangers be so kind to another stranger?  How could they know just the right words to say at the right time?  How could one man receive so many marriage proposals from married women in their 40’s and 50’s?  Who the hell knows, but I’ll take it.  Thank you to whoever you are.   I’ve read your words, and one day when the dust settles, I’ll respond with some of my own.

Some people in the emails were curious what films I’ve worked on, so I thought instead of listing them out, I’d just include a link to my IMDb.  I don’t know what the hell an IMDb stands for.  I think it means I’m part of the Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch.  Something like that.  IMDb’s are only reserved for really smart, prestigious types, so that’s gotta be it.  Click the link here if you wanna see what movies I’ve worked on.  There’s some real stinkers in there, but a few okay ones, too.

Now, I’m not big into film myself.  I rarely watch movies and I don’t own a television.  I couldn’t tell you who’s who and what actor acted in what.  I don’t follow that stuff even though I work in the film industry.  I gotta leave room inside my head for other things.  Like researching slang words for wieners and looking up funny, black people’s names.

I met a Lajuawna the other day.  She has a daughter named Jacquilla.   I had to ask her how to spell both names and it took up an entire page of my notebook to write it down.  There were vowels and consonants all over the damn place, so I just gave up and called her Tina.  I can spell Tina no problem.

Well, I gotta run.  I’ll leave you with a behind the scenes photo booth session I had with Emma Watson back when I worked with her on “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  She was a real dear.  We woulda made for a handsome couple, but it turns out Emma is allergic to donkeys and not so keen on my vast knowledge of slang words of the wiener variety.  Her loss.  She could’ve woken up to a face like this everyday.

2012 Mayan Edition Wall Calendar

Well, you dimwits asked for it, so fine.  You’re the bosses.  Here’s a wall calendar featuring twelve, hot and sexy poses of your’s truly.  Make sure you ladies and gay gentlemen are sitting down.  I can’t be held responsible for any sudden heart attacks.

I created the wall calendar back in 2012 when I thought the world was going to end.  The theme of the calendar centers around death and destruction, but it turns out the Mayans suck at math just the same as me.  The world was spared from doom.  What a bunch of losers.  They must have had a similar Algebra teacher as me in high school.  Mr. Glessner was cool and all, but he was also always hungover.  Loud noises and teaching math gave him a headache, so we usually just played paper football during class instead.  It’s no wonder I’m a total dimwit.  That’s your tax dollars hard at work.

The wall calendar took me an entire week to Photoshop at 12 hour days.  I probably spent close to 80 hours making the damn thing.  Halfway through creating it, I wondered if this would be one of those times when I’m laying on my deathbed, reflecting back on my long and lustrous life, that I would wish I had that week back.  Wishing that my life would have been different.

Yeah, probably.  But too late.  Here you go, you dimwits.  Perhaps I’ll create a new wall calendar for next year in time for the holidays, and you can give it as a nice gift to yourself or your significant others.  Wouldn’t that be something.  It surely would.

A Day In the Life of a Movie Location Scout

Well, Pittsburgh’s no Qatar, but it is definitely a beautiful city.  This is a shot taken from the rooftop of the Convention Center in downtown.  You should see it all lit up at night.  I love my city.  I love Pittsburgh.

I worked 20 hours yesterday.  Ah, yeah.  I’m officially back to scouting on the movies, and it feels good, if only for just this week.  There’s more work coming down the pike and I’ll be back at it full time very soon.  Making that ca$h monies, living the dream.

Scouting on movies is wild.  It’s full throttle, action packed, hustling, on the go.  Seeing some of the most interesting and beautiful locations all over the city and surrounding areas, and meeting all sorts of people.  Just to give you an example of an average day, a few of yesterday’s highlights went like this:

– Scouted several ornate churches built in the early 1900’s.  Got the history on Tiffany Glass stained windows, and got to see the windows up close and personal.  Climbed to the bell tower, got pigeon poop in my eye, but the view was worth it.  Not too many people get to climb the bell tower.

– Scouted the Convention Center.  Security guard told me all about how her daughter was an extra in a movie.  She wants to be an extra in a movie, too.  Everyone everywhere you go wants to be an extra and wants you to keep them informed when the movie fires up.  It’s exhausting, but people are so friendly and nice.

– Scouted a hotel restaurant.  The one waitress gave me the history of the giant mural painted on the wall.  She pointed out several flaws in the painting then insisted I check out their new speak easy restaurant and led me downstairs to peek in the window.  The gal was pretty, blond and enthusiastic.  I think she liked me.  I took a photo of her and two of the other waiters, and told her I’d be back sometime to say hello.

– Ran into a homeless person.  She wanted me to take her photo sitting on a bench.  I did. Then she asked me what I was doing.  I explained I was scouting on a movie, and she told me of her concerns that if we choose this particular church for a location, she and the other homeless people won’t have a place to sleep on the adjacent hidden sidewalk at night.  I assured her I would take care of her, and see to it that she has a place to sleep somewhere else if we end up filming here.  Said goodbye.  Had to run.

Speaking of having to run, gotta go.  I had a short break in between making phone calls to set up appointments today.  I have a list of 20 locations to try and get into today and tomorrow.  Many more adventures to be had.  Just wanted to check in.  I’ll respond to comments and such maybe this weekend.  I have another 20 hour day ahead of me.   Cheers.

One last thing, please do me a favor.  I like to help people out when I can.  This really talented artist that goes by the name Alexandra is in a competition.  She’s so sweet and talented (and super cute!)  She’s just got a great spirit about her and very humble.   I want to help her win this competition, so could you please click the link and vote for her on Facebook.  It will only take less than 2 minutes of your time.  I worked a 20 hour day, but I took the time to try and help her out.  It would mean a lot if you dimwits did the same.

Click the link here to go vote for her.  Also, check out her site.  She has this favorite series of mine with these cities of miniature houses she makes out of paper receipts and candy wrappers.  It’s truly amazing.  Give it a look when you get some time.  Thanks so much.  Off for some more adventuring…