Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions Progress Report

Well, well.  We’re already over the halfway mark for the year 2013 and it’ll soon be August.  It’s hard to believe.  Time flies when you’re having fun.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of New Year’s resolutions.  Just thought I’d take this opportunity to share the list and give a quick progress report for those that might be interested.  For those that are not interested, I’ve included a link to view Def Leppard’s official music video for “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”  Click here for some of the craziest, coolest one armed drumming action you’ve ever seen, and for some of the biggest mullets in rock history.

I’ve put a check mark by the completed resolutions and indicated the outstanding ones in red.  Let’s get rocked, Def Leppard aficionados.  One armed drumroll please…

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Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions:

#1)  Get a pretty cool haircut just like the movie stars  ( √ )
#2)  Learn how to play Eddie Van Halen guitar solos on a keytar so that I can impress my friends at parties  ( √ )
#3)  Eat more celery and kale for dinner instead of chili cheese dogs and one pound burritos ( √ )
#4)  Get in shape so that I can bend down to tie my shoes just like the “good old days” ( √ )
#5)  Do at least one thing a day that scares me (ie: doing math, saying “Bloody Mary” in the mirror three times in a row, or listening to a Nicki Minaj song the whole way through) ( √ )
#6)  Visit a wax museum  ( No )
#7)  Visit a non-wax museum ( √ )
#8) Buy new car mats  ( √ )
#9) Clean out the fridge ( √ )
#10) Get married  ( No )

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Welp, there you have it.  Eight down, two to go.  I still have plenty of more time before the year winds down, but I’d like to keep my foot on the gas pedal.  Crank this mutha up a few decibels.  I’m a real go-getter.

There’s a bunch of newbies around here (welcome you dimwits).  Perhaps some of you are single ladies?  Feel free to check out my latest rejected Match.com dating profile if you haven’t already, and let’s see if we can’t knock the last two off the list.

I’ll see one of you lucky gals at the wax museum.   Look for me.  I’ll be the one wearing a burgundy turtleneck tucked neatly inside his daisy dukes.  Make the most of the remaining year, you all.  I will do the same.  Hugs and kisses.

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume Three

Have you ever wondered what the big deal is about the privacy issues with Facebook?  I’m about to school you.  This one’s for Zuckerberg, that slimy weasel.  That sell out.  Handing over people’s private information for profit.  Time to go to class.

As I’ve stated before, I’m no longer on Facebook with the exception of staying connected with my family.   I’m rarely on Facebook anymore.  WordPress is now my home for causing trouble and ensuing hilarity.  But when I was active on Facebook, sometimes I would click on random stranger’s profiles.  The majority of them had their privacy settings so that you couldn’t see their photos, but some of them left their photos public.  Booyah.  I would leaf through random stranger’s photos and download various pics that I found either humorous or interesting.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with the photos, if anything.  But they were made public property.  They were now mine and yours thanks to your boy, Zuckerberg, and all the many changes Facebook makes throughout the years.  If you don’t stay on top of it, your photos very well could be made public without your knowledge.

So what’s the big deal?  Most likely nothing.  That is unless someone with a creative mind, too much time on his hands, and killer Photoshop skills gets a hold of them.

Above is a photo of me that I’ll be using for the purpose of this educational demonstration.  With a little Photoshop magic, I’m about to go make some new Facebook friends.  These are complete strangers.  I’ve never met any of them in my life.  If you happen to recognize any of the folks, tell them I said hello.  And if you don’t recognize any of them, don’t worry.  I’ve downloaded several hundred more photos, so maybe your friends will be in the next round.  And who knows?  Maybe some of you dimwits will be as well.  Now let’s go Facebooking, shall we?  We definitely shall.

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Change your Facebook settings to private, you dimwits!  And make sure you tell Zuckerberg to suck it.  That slimy weasel.

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume Two

Before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post all of my madness.  The other outlet was this little social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.

I’m no longer on Facebook, with the exception of staying connected with just my family.  It’s maybe better that way.  Alcohol, late nights, and Facebook do not mix well together.  I proved that correct on one too many occasions, so I finally decided to pull the plug.  But before I pulled the plug, I collected some of the highlights throughout the years.

The following are some Facebook exchanges between my mother and I involving unicorns, birthdays, and such.  Facebook odds & ends, volume two.

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Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes – Volume Three

Suppose a young man with a wild imagination and too much time on his hands went to a greasy spoon diner one evening at 3 AM.   Suppose the same young man grew tired of all the belligerent drunks and lot lizards that usually frequent a greasy spoon diner late at night, so he began to surf the interwebs on his smart phone to occupy his time until his gyro omelette and rye toast were ready to be served.

Suppose that while killing time surfing the interwebs, the young man came across some famous quotes and later stumbled upon the humorous website, Damn You Autocorrect.  Now suppose the imaginative young man with too much time on his hands got to thinking:

“What if all the famous authors, poets, artists, philosophers, and great leaders of history had to use a smart phone to type their inspiring quotes?  Would their quotes sound any less smart?  Would they be any less inspiring?  What would the quotes read like if these great historical figures had to put down their pen and paper, and use the same means of communication that we use today – texting, tweeting, emailing, and other forms of social media?  What if the famous quotes were subject to autocorrect?”

Suppose the young man’s thoughts were to materialize.  I suppose you would get something like this.  Ten famous quotes given the autocorrect treatment, volume three.

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My God.   What have we done.  Modern devices and social media are destroying our love shaft.  Our language!  Destroying r language!  For volumes one and two, click the links below.

Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes – Volume One 
Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes – Volume Two

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume One

Check it you dimwits.  So before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post my madness.  The other place was this social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.

I still have a Facebook, but I’m not on it much anymore.  I had to retire, and by retire, I mean that I pretty much had to give myself the boot because I would get drunk and start posting all of these rants regarding politics, gay rights, gun control, and environmental concerns.  And well, drunks and Facebook are not a very good combination.

It was getting ugly, so I had to take all of my deep, philosophical rants over to the comments section of YouTube.  YouTube is the perfect place to engage in 500 character or less heated debates.  Somewhere buried in the comments section of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video are some of the Dimwit’s most brilliant and ingenious thoughts ever recorded.  I should probably dig ’em up and take home the Nobel Peace Prize, but no time for that.  Instead, I wanted to dig up a few Facebook odds & ends that I’ve posted over the years and share them with my fellow dimwits.

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1.  Jury Duty Summons

I just opened a stack of mail from last month and discovered a summons to appear in court tomorrow morning for jury duty selection.  I want to make a good first impression with the court folks, but I’m not sure which outfit to wear.  Help guys!  I’m so bad with this stuff.  Which outfit would you recommend that I wear tomorrow for jury duty selection?

2.  Happy Groundhog’s Day

Happy Groundhog’s Day!  Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow and you know what that means?  It will soon be Spring.  And you know what that means?  The rainy season will soon be upon us.  And you know what that means?  It’s time to get fully clothed, go down to the boat pond, and lay the hottest, most passionate rainy-wet-clothed kiss on your lover that anyone’s ever seen.

C’mon, who’s ever done that?  Making out in the rain.  I did it once, but it was only by accident because I thought it was just a heat lightening storm passing by, but no, it turned out to be an actual rain storm.  Anyways, way to go Phil.  Bring on the early Spring.

3.  Supah Ninjas Audition

*  This was a post I left on my friend’s wall.  She’s a casting director in Pittsburgh.  She sent out an audition notice looking for actors for a Nickelodeon action-comedy superheroes TV series that she was working on called “Supah Ninjas.”

Hello Katie,

Above you’ll find my Supah Ninjas headshot for consideration.  I have 4 years Parkour experience, 1 year of Zumba training,  8 years of competing in medieval jousting with my friends at Schenley Park, and I’ve watched all three Matrix movies as well as all of the Star War movies.  I believe that I am more than qualified for the part and can’t wait to show off my stuff at the audition.  Don’t blink.  If you do, you are going to miss the audition of a lifetime.  Karate chop!!!

Sincerely,
Chris Hinton

4.  Birthday Card To My Mom

Happy birthday to the World’s 2nd greatest Mom!!!  Sorry, you would’ve been 1st, but the tanning bed lady beat you out by just a smidge.  Thank you for all that you do for the family and for so many.  Love you!

5.  Driver’s License Renewal Photo

So I go to get my driver’s license renewed, right?  I take my number and wait with the rest of the photo ID posse.  Surprisingly, the line’s moving quickly.  That is until the guy in front of me takes his turn.  He sits in the chair.  Click.  He reviews the photo on the computer monitor and decides that he wants to get a redo.  No big deal.  We’ve all taken a bad photo before and I can certainly appreciate the fact that he wants to have a stellar looking driver’s license photo ID.   My previous one was out of this world and it often garnered me a lot of praise when I got pulled over by the police.

So the guy straightens up and smiles for another photo.  Click.  Again, he decides it’s not his best work, and he would like another redo.  This happens two more times.  I’m staring at the guy, and he’s not even that good looking.  But even if he was, when was the last time you’ve heard of someone launching their Ford modeling career with a Pennsylvania driver’s license?  Never.  You’ve never heard of that.  That is until now.

I tell Brad Pitt to step aside, I’m about to show him how it’s done.  I channel my inner model self and totally blow this driver’s license photo shoot out of the water.  I mean, even the dude taking the photo looks at me and gives me a nod.  He doesn’t even bother asking me if I want to accept the photo.  It’s completely understood.   Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes…