Check it you dimwits. So before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post my madness. The other place was this social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.
I still have a Facebook, but I’m not on it much anymore. I had to retire, and by retire, I mean that I pretty much had to give myself the boot because I would get drunk and start posting all of these rants regarding politics, gay rights, gun control, and environmental concerns. And well, drunks and Facebook are not a very good combination.
It was getting ugly, so I had to take all of my deep, philosophical rants over to the comments section of YouTube. YouTube is the perfect place to engage in 500 character or less heated debates. Somewhere buried in the comments section of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video are some of the Dimwit’s most brilliant and ingenious thoughts ever recorded. I should probably dig ’em up and take home the Nobel Peace Prize, but no time for that. Instead, I wanted to dig up a few Facebook odds & ends that I’ve posted over the years and share them with my fellow dimwits.
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1. Jury Duty Summons
I just opened a stack of mail from last month and discovered a summons to appear in court tomorrow morning for jury duty selection. I want to make a good first impression with the court folks, but I’m not sure which outfit to wear. Help guys! I’m so bad with this stuff. Which outfit would you recommend that I wear tomorrow for jury duty selection?
2. Happy Groundhog’s Day
Happy Groundhog’s Day! Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow and you know what that means? It will soon be Spring. And you know what that means? The rainy season will soon be upon us. And you know what that means? It’s time to get fully clothed, go down to the boat pond, and lay the hottest, most passionate rainy-wet-clothed kiss on your lover that anyone’s ever seen.
C’mon, who’s ever done that? Making out in the rain. I did it once, but it was only by accident because I thought it was just a heat lightening storm passing by, but no, it turned out to be an actual rain storm. Anyways, way to go Phil. Bring on the early Spring.
3. Supah Ninjas Audition
* This was a post I left on my friend’s wall. She’s a casting director in Pittsburgh. She sent out an audition notice looking for actors for a Nickelodeon action-comedy superheroes TV series that she was working on called “Supah Ninjas.”
Above you’ll find my Supah Ninjas headshot for consideration. I have 4 years Parkour experience, 1 year of Zumba training, 8 years of competing in medieval jousting with my friends at Schenley Park, and I’ve watched all three Matrix movies as well as all of the Star War movies. I believe that I am more than qualified for the part and can’t wait to show off my stuff at the audition. Don’t blink. If you do, you are going to miss the audition of a lifetime. Karate chop!!!
4. Birthday Card To My Mom
Happy birthday to the World’s 2nd greatest Mom!!! Sorry, you would’ve been 1st, but the tanning bed lady beat you out by just a smidge. Thank you for all that you do for the family and for so many. Love you!
5. Driver’s License Renewal Photo
So I go to get my driver’s license renewed, right? I take my number and wait with the rest of the photo ID posse. Surprisingly, the line’s moving quickly. That is until the guy in front of me takes his turn. He sits in the chair. Click. He reviews the photo on the computer monitor and decides that he wants to get a redo. No big deal. We’ve all taken a bad photo before and I can certainly appreciate the fact that he wants to have a stellar looking driver’s license photo ID. My previous one was out of this world and it often garnered me a lot of praise when I got pulled over by the police.
So the guy straightens up and smiles for another photo. Click. Again, he decides it’s not his best work, and he would like another redo. This happens two more times. I’m staring at the guy, and he’s not even that good looking. But even if he was, when was the last time you’ve heard of someone launching their Ford modeling career with a Pennsylvania driver’s license? Never. You’ve never heard of that. That is until now.
I tell Brad Pitt to step aside, I’m about to show him how it’s done. I channel my inner model self and totally blow this driver’s license photo shoot out of the water. I mean, even the dude taking the photo looks at me and gives me a nod. He doesn’t even bother asking me if I want to accept the photo. It’s completely understood. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes…