Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Your Crazy Drunk Aunt into a Katy Perry Firework Poster

Welp, Photoshoppers.  It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these godforsaken things.  I’m a little rusty.  Nothing that a fifth of Jack and a case of Bud can’t cure.  I already have a pounding headache.  Let’s just get it over with.  Happy fourth of freaking July.

Fourth of July is coming up in the lovely U S of A.  I’ll be getting together with family.  Joy of all joys.  I can’t wait for all my nieces and nephews to punch me in the balls and tell me a million times to look at this.  Awesome.  Congratulations, you did a handstand.  Tell me to look at this when you find the cure for cancer.  Why don’t you go look in the cooler and grab your uncle a cold beer.  I swear, it’s like this all day with those kids.  It’s like listening to a broken record.

For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to turn your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Let’s go ahead and begin today’s lesson, shall we?  I guess we shall.

Step 1:  Buy A Boatload of Fireworks

I don’t have money for whiskey and beer.  I’m broke, and I don’t feel like hanging out with my father in the prison showers, so I can’t go looting the liquor store for whiskey.  I gotta do this one sober unfortunately.  It’s time for some Photoshop inspiration Katy Perry “Firework” style.

The big fireworks are illegal to purchase in the state of Pennsylvania, so I have a friend that sells them out of his trunk.  I asked him to do me a solid and he gave me a Roman candle, a 100 shot Saturn missile, a 200 shot mortar tube, and a stick of dynamite for free.   I set them all off in my neighbor’s yard late last night since their dogs wake me up every single morning at 5:35 AM.  Fireworks exploded everywhere and It rained ash all over their house.  It was very inspiring.  Let’s continue with this firework fiasco.

Step 2:  Lasso Your Crazy Drunk Aunt

Above is the original, untouched photo of my crazy drunk aunt at the family picnic over Labor Day.  Aunt Ruthie likes to get drunk and bawl her eyes out over absolutely nothing, and then she’ll squeeze my cheeks as hard as possible.  I’m 35 years old.  The cheek squeezing shoulda ended 30 years ago.  Aunt Ruthie will make a perfect volunteer for our Katy Perry firework demonstration.  If you don’t have a crazy drunk aunt, then just use a photo of your crazy meth addict cousin.

I’m not gonna spend too much time teaching you about lassoing.  I already covered that in previous lessons, so if you don’t have it down by now, then you’re hopeless and you should just get a job at the gas station selling cigarettes.

Below is the isolated lassoed layer of my crazy drunk aunt that I’ll be working with.  Her hair is too damn big and messy.  I woulda had to lasso all day, so it’s good enough.

Step 3:  Insert Big Ass Fireworks Into The Background

Now that I have the isolated layer of my crazy drunk aunt, I’m going to insert a photo of some big ass fireworks.  Do a Google search, and steal whatever photo you like best.  The more explosions and raining ash the better.  Make the fireworks really go boom to get that full Katy Perry effect.

Step 4:  Select A Really Cool Font 

I’m at my wit’s end.  Honest to God, these things are like torture.  I gotta wrap this sonofabitch up before I lose my mind and have to marry a frog.  There’s at least a dozen steps that I’m skipping.  At least a dozen, but just go to the Character tool box, and start messing around with fonts.  Pick a really swirly font.  That’s what Katy Perry would want in the way of fonts.  The swirlier the better.

After you select the swirly font, then go to the Styles tool box.  Start messing around with that crap, too.  Think fireworks.  Think big and rocketing and fireworks exploding in the air raining down ash on your barking dog neighbor’s house.

Select a style with a bright color and a wicked beveled edge.  People go nuts for beveled edged fonts.  Your friends will bow down in mighty awe at your creation.  They’ll surely buy you a sauerkraut hotdog and a Coca Cola to wash it down with at the fireworks display.  Fourth of July is the worst.

Here’s the finished poster of my crazy drunk aunt.  I picked out a swirly font with a star crossing the “i” and turned her hair bright purple cause I thought it looked more Katy Perry like.  I also added in the word “firework” to really sell home the point.  I replaced the plastic fork with a stick of dynamite.  Here’s your damn poster.   I gotta get out of here.

Congratulations on making your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop my nieces and nephews doing handstands in the sound proofed locked basement while I enjoy a beer in peace.   Happy 4th of July, you dimwits.  Boom.

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume One

Check it you dimwits.  So before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post my madness.  The other place was this social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.

I still have a Facebook, but I’m not on it much anymore.  I had to retire, and by retire, I mean that I pretty much had to give myself the boot because I would get drunk and start posting all of these rants regarding politics, gay rights, gun control, and environmental concerns.  And well, drunks and Facebook are not a very good combination.

It was getting ugly, so I had to take all of my deep, philosophical rants over to the comments section of YouTube.  YouTube is the perfect place to engage in 500 character or less heated debates.  Somewhere buried in the comments section of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video are some of the Dimwit’s most brilliant and ingenious thoughts ever recorded.  I should probably dig ’em up and take home the Nobel Peace Prize, but no time for that.  Instead, I wanted to dig up a few Facebook odds & ends that I’ve posted over the years and share them with my fellow dimwits.

*    *    *    *    *    *

1.  Jury Duty Summons

I just opened a stack of mail from last month and discovered a summons to appear in court tomorrow morning for jury duty selection.  I want to make a good first impression with the court folks, but I’m not sure which outfit to wear.  Help guys!  I’m so bad with this stuff.  Which outfit would you recommend that I wear tomorrow for jury duty selection?

2.  Happy Groundhog’s Day

Happy Groundhog’s Day!  Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow and you know what that means?  It will soon be Spring.  And you know what that means?  The rainy season will soon be upon us.  And you know what that means?  It’s time to get fully clothed, go down to the boat pond, and lay the hottest, most passionate rainy-wet-clothed kiss on your lover that anyone’s ever seen.

C’mon, who’s ever done that?  Making out in the rain.  I did it once, but it was only by accident because I thought it was just a heat lightening storm passing by, but no, it turned out to be an actual rain storm.  Anyways, way to go Phil.  Bring on the early Spring.

3.  Supah Ninjas Audition

*  This was a post I left on my friend’s wall.  She’s a casting director in Pittsburgh.  She sent out an audition notice looking for actors for a Nickelodeon action-comedy superheroes TV series that she was working on called “Supah Ninjas.”

Hello Katie,

Above you’ll find my Supah Ninjas headshot for consideration.  I have 4 years Parkour experience, 1 year of Zumba training,  8 years of competing in medieval jousting with my friends at Schenley Park, and I’ve watched all three Matrix movies as well as all of the Star War movies.  I believe that I am more than qualified for the part and can’t wait to show off my stuff at the audition.  Don’t blink.  If you do, you are going to miss the audition of a lifetime.  Karate chop!!!

Sincerely,
Chris Hinton

4.  Birthday Card To My Mom

Happy birthday to the World’s 2nd greatest Mom!!!  Sorry, you would’ve been 1st, but the tanning bed lady beat you out by just a smidge.  Thank you for all that you do for the family and for so many.  Love you!

5.  Driver’s License Renewal Photo

So I go to get my driver’s license renewed, right?  I take my number and wait with the rest of the photo ID posse.  Surprisingly, the line’s moving quickly.  That is until the guy in front of me takes his turn.  He sits in the chair.  Click.  He reviews the photo on the computer monitor and decides that he wants to get a redo.  No big deal.  We’ve all taken a bad photo before and I can certainly appreciate the fact that he wants to have a stellar looking driver’s license photo ID.   My previous one was out of this world and it often garnered me a lot of praise when I got pulled over by the police.

So the guy straightens up and smiles for another photo.  Click.  Again, he decides it’s not his best work, and he would like another redo.  This happens two more times.  I’m staring at the guy, and he’s not even that good looking.  But even if he was, when was the last time you’ve heard of someone launching their Ford modeling career with a Pennsylvania driver’s license?  Never.  You’ve never heard of that.  That is until now.

I tell Brad Pitt to step aside, I’m about to show him how it’s done.  I channel my inner model self and totally blow this driver’s license photo shoot out of the water.  I mean, even the dude taking the photo looks at me and gives me a nod.  He doesn’t even bother asking me if I want to accept the photo.  It’s completely understood.   Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes…

 

Freshly Pressed – SMACK!

My, my, my.  Would you lookie here.  Seems things just got mighty fresh up in this crazy madhouse.  I’ve just been Freshly Pressed for the first time.  Let’s hope it goes a little better than another first time of mine that ended up with a lot of crying and a swift slap to the face.  SMACK!  You pig!  How was I supposed to know that girls don’t like it when a person makes oinking noises just as the mood starts to turn romantic?  I was only trying to keep things loose and fun.

My, my, my.  Freshly Pressed.  Pretty stinking fresh all right.

I was told to dust off the welcome mat and be prepared for a lot of new readers.   I just started working on a new TV pilot and it’s been kicking my ass.  70 hours of work in the past 5 days.   My apologies, but I didn’t have a whole lot of time to prepare.  I’ve barely had time to eat or to sleep, but of course I did make time for a few tall glasses of whiskey last night.  I got rip roaring drunk with my former room mate, and we had a grand, old time from the parts of the evening that I can remember.  It made for a very fun 14 hours of work today.  And that is why I’m the dimmest of all the dimwits.  A real, genuine, dingaling ding dong to the max.  Better get used to it.

For you newbies, I’d advise you to read the post I just did called “Chris Hinton’s Pathway To Success.”  It’s as good a place to start as any.  If you make it through that one, well, then you’re just the sorta company we like to keep around here.   Crazy and mad and fun, and plenty of oinking noises to go around for everyone.  SMACK!  It’s a real nice crew of diverse folks, and I think you’ll all get along just fine if you choose to stick around.

Welp, you dimwits.  I’m tired and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.  I was just gonna leave it at thank you, but as is the case with me, a simple thank you is never quite enough to show my appreciation.

Freshly Pressed is recycling an old post, so thought I’d go ahead and do some recycling of my own.  So how’s about an old photo of me wearing a sleeveless fur sweater that I bought from the women’s section of the thrift store, showing off the chest hairs a little bit for a sexy, fresh photo shoot I did for a Brut by Fabergé men’s cologne ad.  It’s autographed for you and everything, so feel free to pin it to your fridge or hang it in your cubicle at work.  For you my fellow dimwits.  A big thank you.

I’ll be replying to comments, mixing it up a bit with you rowdy, kind folks whenever I get some time.  It might be a while.  But for now, I have to polish off a tall glass of Franzia boxed wine to cap off a very successful day.  Let’s hope I don’t spill it all over my bed like the last time.  Wine is impossible to get out of your sheets, and it looks like a crime scene took place in my bed.  This is probably a bad time to mention to the new readers that I’m single.  Screw it.  I’m going with it and letting ‘er rip.  Gotta run.  Welcome.

Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Purple Heart Vietnam War Veteran Commemorative Poster

So I met a nice gentlemen when I was out scouting yesterday.  Didn’t quite catch his name, but we got to talking.  It was mostly him talking.  He was going on about war, purple hearts, Charlie this, and Charlie that.  I don’t know.  He keeps rambling, so I told him, “Hey buddy, while you’re flapping your gums a million miles a minute, lean up against the parking meter for me, would ya?  I’m gonna take a nice photo of you for my Photoshop tutorial if that’s cool with you.”

The gentlemen told me that he seen the fork-tongued Devil in his living room back when he lived in Kansas, then he says “Yeah, that’s cool.  What’s this for anyway?”  I had him relax his shoulders a little bit.  Told him to give me a big smile.  Snapped the shot, and says, “Well, you like to talk about purple hearts so much, so I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

Since Memorial Day is coming up, I thought for today’s Photoshop lesson it would be a good opportunity to teach you how to turn a purple heart Vietnam War veteran into commemorative poster.  I’d like to dedicate this one to all of those that risk their lives in war and get shot in the leg like my good war friend here – and I wish I caught his name but he was talking so damn much – so we’ll just call him Bruce for the sake of this demonstration.

Let’s go to war, shall we?  We most certainly shall Photoshoppers.

Step 1:  Watch Tons of War Movies 

Part of being a good Photoshopper is knowing how to get in the zone.  Sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s a fifth of whiskey, and sometimes it’s a combination of both.  This particular lesson, we will be getting ourselves into the war zone so to speak.

Since I don’t have money to go rent movies or pay for cable, I went over to my Mom’s house to see what I could dig up.  She had a bunch of romantic comedies and at least a dozen Billy Blanks Tae Bo instructional videos for some ungodly reason.  Billy Blanks would do in a pinch, but then I dug around some more and found a copy of the movie Forrest Gump.  Perfect.  If you don’t have a copy of Forrest Gump, feel free to watch some other classic war movies, like Hot Shots! Part Deux starring another Charlie –  Charlie Sheen.

Step 2:  Photo Correcting; Bringing Bruce’s Eyes To The Forefront

Above is the original, untouched photo of Bruce, our ponytailed war veteran, who was kind enough to volunteer not only his services for America, but also for this Photoshop tutorial.

As you can see, the pipe smoking bulldog Marine Corps ballcap has left a dark shadow, and it’s difficult to make out Bruce’s nice eyes.  I will teach you how to do a photo retouch so that we can make those eyes sparkle like sliver bullets.  Here is the before image of the isolated layer that I will be starting with.

So I was just thinking of this.  Do you guys remember in the movie where Forrest Gump is sitting on the bench talking to some guy, and he says something like, “Oh, yes sir. The bullet bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, cause I still haven’t seen a nickel of that million dollars.”  I was just thinking of that line, and man I wish someone would shoot me in the ass and give me a million dollars.  It would get me out of doing these Photoshop tutorials, but I’m broke as a joke, so let’s keep on keepin’ on.

Go to the Layer tab.  Select New Layer Adjustment from the drop down menu.  There’s a bunch of options from the drop down menu that I have no idea what they’re for, so don’t even bother asking.   I played around with the Levels, Exposure, and the Brightness/Contrast.  Go ahead and play around with the levels of those layers until Bruce’s eyes begin to brighten up a little.

Step 3:  Let’s Get Dodgey

The Dodge Tool can be found on the left hand side of your tools menu.  The icon looks like a lollipop. I have no idea why why it looks like a lollipop, so don’t bother asking me that one either.  There’s no time for questions.  Actually, there probably is time, because Forrest Gump is the longest movie in the history of movies.  I took a two hour nap, and he was still sitting on the same bench talking some poor lady’s ears off.

Select the Dodge Tool, set the exposure level to about a 4 or a 6, and start painting around Bruce’s eyes to lighten them up.  Don’t go too nuts painting around with the lollipop.  It should be a very subtle change, but you’ll notice a big difference when I add the final background in the last step.  Here’s a side by side comparison of the two photos just so you have an idea for now.

Step 4:  The War Is Over

Screw this.  I don’t have the patience anymore.  I don’t think I ever had it in the first place,  so I’m skipping steps 5 through 112.

It’s hard to do these things sober, but when I was eating hotdogs for lunch with Bruce yesterday, he says that the Devil told him during that night back in Kansas that he needs to get his life together, and stop shoving powder up his nose.  Then as the Devil was talking to him, Bruce snorted a few more lines of coke off the coffee table.  He dusted off the remaining powder, looked up, and he seen that it wasn’t the fork-tongued Devil afterall.  It was Jesus H. Christ sitting beside him on his sofa couch having a nice living room chit chat with Bruce.  That was the last time he did cocaine, so if Bruce can pull it together, so can I.

I decided I’m only gonna drink on Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays from here on out.  Something profound happened to me when I used the Dodge Tool to bring Bruce’s eyes to the forefront.  It was like the legally blind, right eye of the purple hearted Bruce peered out from underneath the bulldog ballcap, and spoke directly to me.  The eye whispered, “You foolish dimwit.  I’m concerned that maybe you’re drinking too much.  I’ve been there before, man.  Not with booze, but with narcotics and mountainous piles of blow.  Time to end the war and wrap this sonofabitch up, soldier.  It’s time you end the war with yourself as well.”

Welp, sounds good to me.  So here’s your commemorative poster of the purple heart Vietnam war veteran.  I added a background with fighter choppers and dramatic clouds cause I thought it looked pretty cool.  I kept Bruce’s parking meter so he could have something to lean on since his leg was all shot up, and gave him a badass purple heart tattoo.  I played around with the brightness and contrast layers some more, watched about 6 more hours of Forrest Gump, and here you go.

Congratulations on making your purple heart Vietnam War commemorative poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop Jesus H. Christ sitting on the bench next to Forrest Gump and telling him to shut his piehole with all the lying, life if like a box of chocolates, overly exaggerated, drawn out stories.  Honest to God, that movie is at least 4 hours long.  Billy Blanks needs to give Forrest Gump a few Tae Bo’s to the back of the head or something, and tell him to speed it up a little.

Well anyway, a special thanks to all those that have volunteered their services and to those that gave up their lives to make this world a better place.  You are gone but not forgotten.  See you dimwits the next time.

Photoshop Lessons – How To Photoshop Your Gremlin Kids Into A Star Wars Poster

Well, I don’t know what the deal is with you dimwits, but I have a hundred nieces and nephews.  At least it feels that way. It might as well be a hundred when they’re all gathered for the holidays, running around the house biting and screaming like a bunch of rabid animals.  The worst is, now some of them are into Star Wars.  They’ll go around for hours with their toy lightsabers, hacking away at my shins, and stabbing me in the neck.

I swear they’re lucky they’re cute kids, or else I’d take those lightsabers and snap them right in half.  Whoops, sorry about that, young Skywalker.  I’m hungover and trying to take a nap.  Now go bug your parents, and give your uncle a break with the dangblasted lightsabers already.  Cripes almighty.  I hate Star Wars with a passion.

Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will teach you how to Photoshop your gremlin kids into a Star Wars poster so that they’ll leave you the crap alone.  With any luck, maybe they’ll go off to a galaxy far, far away to admire their Star Wars poster instead of whipping around those friggin’ lightsabers like they’re Obi Wan Kenobi or something.  One could only hope.

Let’s begin today’s Photoshop lesson, shall we?  We shall, Jedi Photoshoppers.

Step 1:  Take Some Aspirin

Welp, I’ve been sober for about 2 weeks now.  It’s not as awesome as it sounds, trust me, but I don’t have any more money to go blow on whiskey binges every other night, so I’ll be doing this one completely uninebriated, unfortunately.  I’m just gonna have to dig deep to find another source of motivation.

Forget the music and booze.  I’m going in a different direction.  I’m gonna down half a bottle of expired Aspirin that I found in my shaving bag back from high school.  If you don’t have an expired bottle of Aspirin, feel free to substitute the Aspirin with some whiskey, wine, vodka, moonshine, uppers, crank, speed, meth, or all of thee above depending on how many kids of your own that you have.

Honest to God, I wish I had the Force right about now, cause I’d use it to snatch up my neighbor’s beer bottle in a flash.  I can see them outside grilling shish kabobs and drinking Coronas.  Must be nice living high on the hog.  I’m popping a few more Aspirins and going straight to bed right after this galactic fiasco is finished up.

Step 2:  Selecting A Swinging Sponge Mop Photo

Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this demonstration.  As you can see, it’s me getting in some quality bonding time with one of my nephews.  If you don’t have a photo of yourself swinging around a sponge mop to the back of your nephew’s pink flowered stroller, just use this one, or Google another image using those key search words.

By now, you should be some regular, old cowboys and cowgirls with the Lasso Tool, so I’m gonna skip that step.  Actually I’m gonna skip about 50 other steps while I’m at it, because I’m starting to get carpal tunnel from typing up all these Photoshop tutorials.  Mainly I just want to teach you a little about layers for this lesson.  One must learn to crawl before they can go around whacking people in the knee caps with godforsaken lightsabers.

And I just realized, I probably shoulda taught you how to use layers in the first lesson since it’s the most important step to becoming a Photoshop Jedi master like myself, but that’s one of the downsides to teaching these lessons drunk.

Forget it.  The past is the past, so there’s no sense dwelling on what could’ve been.   Here’s the lassoed, isolated layer of myself that I’ll be working with.

Step 3:  Replacing The Sponge Mop With A Lightsaber

In the previous lesson, you learned how to make a Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster, and you became familiar with the Clone Stamp Tool.  It’s a pretty handy dandy tool.  In the photo below, take notice that I used the Clone Stamp Tool to sample and cover up the sponge mop on my sweatshirt.  I also used the Clone Stamp Tool to get rid of the harsh shadows caused by the mop head.

What’s that?  I sense some doubt.  I find your lack of faith to be disturbing.  Here’s a side by side comparison so you get an idea of just how lethal of a weapon the Clone Stamp Tool can really be.

Now that I got rid of the sponge mop and harsh shadows, I’ll teach you how to add in the lightsaber.  Let out a hearty yee-haw cowboys and cowgirls and wake up the neighbors.  Select the Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner, take a few more Aspirins, and give those hands a lassoing they’ll never forget.  Once you’ve made the selection, make a new layer of just the hands.  In between the layer of me swinging around a sponge mop and the hands layer, I will be adding a layer of the lightsaber.  It’s a little confusing.  Here’s another visual so you know what the hell I’m talking about.

You can see that I’ve named the layers in the order they should go in.  In between the layer of me swinging around the sponge mop and the hands layer is the layer of the lightsaber.  Assuming you know how to count to ten, you should also notice a fifth layer at the top titled “Handle.”

I made a separate layer of the portion of the handle located in the gap between my hands, and placed it as the top layer so it looks like my hands are clasping the lightsaber.  I don’t know if I’m making any sense.  Probably not, but I’m moving on anyways, cause I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded and my extremities are going numb.

Step 4:  Talking Squirrels; Time To Wrap It Up

No time for chit chat.  There’s a squirrel outside my bedroom window that keeps looking at me, and I swear he just said, “Hello there, Photoshop Knight.  Whad’ya say it’s time you wrapped this sonofabitch up.”   So I’m not gonna argue with him.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a close up of squirrel’s ugly rat teeth after downing twelve Aspirins, but they’re pretty freaking sharp.

Man, oh day.  I gotta go lay down for a minute or two, cause it feels like my liver’s been turned inside out and I’m starting to black out.  I really need to get a job so I can stop doing these Photoshop tutorials.  No joke, I just heard today that Speilberg is considering doing a film here in Pittsburgh.  As long as it’s not George Lucas making another 4 hour film about Jar Jar Binks, that’s cool with me.

Here’s your Star Wars poster with the shin bashing, lightsaber culprits.  I replaced the original background with a space background.  I added a photo of my bratty nephews squirting me with water guns at the family picnic, as well as a photo of my niece holding a pink light saber, and a photo of the stroller bound nephew trapped in some spaceship thing at the Chuck E. Cheeses.  For good measure, I also added a photo of a hungry bear that I took at the zoo last summer, cause I didn’t feel like staring at Chewbacca’s hairy fanged, sasquatch face all day.

It says the Aspirin expired in 1998.  I feel like I’ve been put on the Death Star and blown up to smithereens.  I used to really like Star Wars, and now it’s all ruined for me.  Well, here’s your poster before I go pass out cold.

Congratulations on making a Star Wars poster of your gremlin kids.  That concludes today’s Photoshop tutorial.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop your nieces and nephews on top the roof while I go use the Force to snatch up a 12-pack of Coronas from the neighbors, and eat all their shish kabobs in peace and quiet.