Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch (IMDb)

Posted on August 18, 2013 by The Dimwit Diary

No time for chit chat. No rest for the weary. Work has been crazy busy this month. It has the madman all tied up, but I just wanted to have a quickie with you dimwits before I get back to the grindstone.

One of these days I’ll share the story of how I broke into the biz. How I took the film industry by storm. It’s a pretty cool story. It involves lots of prostitution, a donkey, and piles of cocaine. I’m only kidding. The donkey had nothing to do with it, but it’s still a pretty wild story as you might have guessed. It’s been some bizarre life.

I don’t have time to respond to emails at the moment, but some of you have written me some incredibly endearing ones. It blows my mind. How could strangers be so kind to another stranger? How could they know just the right words to say at the right time? How could one man receive so many marriage proposals from married women in their 40’s and 50’s? Who the hell knows, but I’ll take it. Thank you to whoever you are. I’ve read your words, and one day when the dust settles, I’ll respond with some of my own.

Some people in the emails were curious what films I’ve worked on, so I thought instead of listing them out, I’d just include a link to my IMDb. I don’t know what the hell an IMDb stands for. I think it means I’m part of the Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch. Something like that. IMDb’s are only reserved for really smart, prestigious types, so that’s gotta be it. Click the link here if you wanna see what movies I’ve worked on. There’s some real stinkers in there, but a few okay ones, too.

Now, I’m not big into film myself. I rarely watch movies and I don’t own a television. I couldn’t tell you who’s who and what actor acted in what. I don’t follow that stuff even though I work in the film industry. I gotta leave room inside my head for other things. Like researching slang words for wieners and looking up funny, black people’s names.

I met a Lajuawna the other day. She has a daughter named Jacquilla. I had to ask her how to spell both names and it took up an entire page of my notebook to write it down. There were vowels and consonants all over the damn place, so I just gave up and called her Tina. I can spell Tina no problem.

Well, I gotta run. I’ll leave you with a behind the scenes photo booth session I had with Emma Watson back when I worked with her on “Perks of Being a Wallflower.” She was a real dear. We woulda made for a handsome couple, but it turns out Emma is allergic to donkeys and not so keen on my vast knowledge of slang words of the wiener variety. Her loss. She could’ve woken up to a face like this everyday.

2012 Mayan Edition Wall Calendar

Posted on August 6, 2013 by The Dimwit Diary

Well, you dimwits asked for it, so fine. You’re the bosses. Here’s a wall calendar featuring twelve, hot and sexy poses of your’s truly. Make sure you ladies and gay gentlemen are sitting down. I can’t be held responsible for any sudden heart attacks.

I created the wall calendar back in 2012 when I thought the world was going to end. The theme of the calendar centers around death and destruction, but it turns out the Mayans suck at math just the same as me. The world was spared from doom. What a bunch of losers. They must have had a similar Algebra teacher as me in high school. Mr. Glessner was cool and all, but he was also always hungover. Loud noises and teaching math gave him a headache, so we usually just played paper football during class instead. It’s no wonder I’m a total dimwit. That’s your tax dollars hard at work.

The wall calendar took me an entire week to Photoshop at 12 hour days. I probably spent close to 80 hours making the damn thing. Halfway through creating it, I wondered if this would be one of those times when I’m laying on my deathbed, reflecting back on my long and lustrous life, that I would wish I had that week back. Wishing that my life would have been different.

Yeah, probably. But too late. Here you go, you dimwits. Perhaps I’ll create a new wall calendar for next year in time for the holidays, and you can give it as a nice gift to yourself or your significant others. Wouldn’t that be something. It surely would.

Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions Progress Report

Posted on July 21, 2013 by The Dimwit Diary

Well, well. We’re already over the halfway mark for the year 2013 and it’ll soon be August. It’s hard to believe. Time flies when you’re having fun.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of New Year’s resolutions. Just thought I’d take this opportunity to share the list and give a quick progress report for those that might be interested. For those that are not interested, I’ve included a link to view Def Leppard’s official music video for “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Click here for some of the craziest, coolest one armed drumming action you’ve ever seen, and for some of the biggest mullets in rock history.

I’ve put a check mark by the completed resolutions and indicated the outstanding ones in red. Let’s get rocked, Def Leppard aficionados. One armed drumroll please…

* * *

Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions:

#1) Get a pretty cool haircut just like the movie stars ( √ )
#2) Learn how to play Eddie Van Halen guitar solos on a keytar so that I can impress my friends at parties ( √ )
#3) Eat more celery and kale for dinner instead of chili cheese dogs and one pound burritos ( √ )
#4) Get in shape so that I can bend down to tie my shoes just like the “good old days” ( √ )
#5) Do at least one thing a day that scares me (ie: doing math, saying “Bloody Mary” in the mirror three times in a row, or listening to a Nicki Minaj song the whole way through) ( √ )
#6) Visit a wax museum ( No )
#7) Visit a non-wax museum ( √ )
#8) Buy new car mats ( √ )
#9) Clean out the fridge ( √ )
#10) Get married ( No )

* * *

Welp, there you have it. Eight down, two to go. I still have plenty of more time before the year winds down, but I’d like to keep my foot on the gas pedal. Crank this mutha up a few decibels. I’m a real go-getter.

There’s a bunch of newbies around here (welcome you dimwits). Perhaps some of you are single ladies? Feel free to check out my latest rejected Match.com dating profile if you haven’t already, and let’s see if we can’t knock the last two off the list.

I’ll see one of you lucky gals at the wax museum. Look for me. I’ll be the one wearing a burgundy turtleneck tucked neatly inside his daisy dukes. Make the most of the remaining year, you all. I will do the same. Hugs and kisses.

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume Three

Posted on July 19, 2013 by The Dimwit Diary

115

Have you ever wondered what the big deal is about the privacy issues with Facebook? I’m about to school you. This one’s for Zuckerberg, that slimy weasel. That sell out. Handing over people’s private information for profit. Time to go to class.

As I’ve stated before, I’m no longer on Facebook with the exception of staying connected with my family. I’m rarely on Facebook anymore. WordPress is now my home for causing trouble and ensuing hilarity. But when I was active on Facebook, sometimes I would click on random stranger’s profiles. The majority of them had their privacy settings so that you couldn’t see their photos, but some of them left their photos public. Booyah. I would leaf through random stranger’s photos and download various pics that I found either humorous or interesting.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with the photos, if anything. But they were made public property. They were now mine and yours thanks to your boy, Zuckerberg, and all the many changes Facebook makes throughout the years. If you don’t stay on top of it, your photos very well could be made public without your knowledge.

So what’s the big deal? Most likely nothing. That is unless someone with a creative mind, too much time on his hands, and killer Photoshop skills gets a hold of them.

Above is a photo of me that I’ll be using for the purpose of this educational demonstration. With a little Photoshop magic, I’m about to go make some new Facebook friends. These are complete strangers. I’ve never met any of them in my life. If you happen to recognize any of the folks, tell them I said hello. And if you don’t recognize any of them, don’t worry. I’ve downloaded several hundred more photos, so maybe your friends will be in the next round. And who knows? Maybe some of you dimwits will be as well. Now let’s go Facebooking, shall we? We definitely shall.

* * *

Change your Facebook settings to private, you dimwits! And make sure you tell Zuckerberg to suck it. That slimy weasel.

40 Must See Photos of Italy

Posted on July 14, 2013 by The Dimwit Diary

Three years ago, I took my Mom on a two week vacation to Italy. It’s always been a dream of hers to visit the motherland, so I was happy to be in a position to finally see that her dream was fulfilled.

Despite a few tense moments to be expected when a mother and her 32 year old son team up to travel, it was a great trip. We traveled to Rome, toured the Colosseum, visited the Vatican, took a train to Sicily, walked the beaches, drove the countryside, and ate gelato until our hearts were content.

Whether you’ve personally been to Italy or have only seen the beautiful country through photos, I think you’ll find a mother-son take to be a fresh perspective. I previously posted 25 must see photos of Italy back in March. This time I’m upping the ante. Without further ado, may I present 40 must see photos of Italy like you’ve never seen before.

1. My Mom taking a picture of an Italy tour guide book