Funny, Outrageous Reviews – Stank & Sawdust

Sometimes I get drunk on Franzia boxed wine and submit funny, outrageous online product reviews.  It is awesome.  This installment of reviews is about stank and sawdust.


Citysearch Review:   VCA Animal Hospital 

I heard some good things from several friends and co-workers about the VCA Animal Hospital on Library Road, and decided to give it a try when my cat, Molly Mittens, was acting very strangely when I got home from work one evening.


It turns out Molly Mittens had to have an emergency surgery, which meant that I had to leave her at the hospital overnight.  Naturally, I was concerned and had some questions for the staff.  You would’ve thought that I was asking them to donate a kidney or something.  After asking a few general questions regarding follow-up care for Molly Mittens, and receiving no answers, one of the staff members abruptly told me to “Zip it, chatty Kathy.  Can’t you see I’m trying to watch Biggest Loser?”

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER, MR. LOSER!  I was furious.  I demanded to speak to the head staff in charge.  As I waited nearly 45 minutes in the lobby with TVs blaring and rap music blasting, I overheard one staff member say to his colleague, “Yo’ shawty.  Do it stank like animals up in this piece?”

OF COURSE IT SMELLS LIKE ANIMALS, TUPAC SHAKUR!  It’s called an animal hospital!

Lets just say that the staff was very rude and I don’t think that they even like animals.  To top things off, when I went to pick up Molly Mittens the next day, I noticed that she wasn’t acting quite herself.  At first, I thought it was because she was groggy from the surgery, but when I began to give her Eskimo kisses and started playfully scratching her underbelly, that’s when I noticed that the morons had given me the wrong cat.

I immediately went back to the hospital, and of course Tupac was outside smoking a cigarette.  He was the first staff member that caught the wrath of my fury.  When I asked him what in the hell was going on and why they gave me the wrong cat, he blew a puff of smoke and casually mentioned that my cat died, so they spray-painted another cat black hoping that I wouldn’t notice.

WELL YOU BETTER BELIEVE I NOTICED BUDDY!!! I told those cat killers that they’re going to have a lawsuit on their hands.  I’ve already been in touch with my lawyer and have began the proceedings.  I couldn’t believe it.


Pros:  comfortable seating
Cons:  killing cats and spray-painting them black

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Amazon Review:  2X4 Yankee Candle

I can’t stand all those fru-fru scented candles like Meadow Showers, Honey Dew Drops, and Fairy Rainbow Elves.  My ex-broad use to buy that crap, and it’d make me madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.  If I wanted candles to smell like a damn fruit or a flower, I’d just go buy a damn fruit or a flower.  If a candle should smell like anything, it should be the smell of railroad tar or engine grease.

So my buddy tells me there’s this new line of man candles, or mandles as he calls them, and he’s going on about it.  Shoulda’ heard him.  Son of a gun was happier than a bucktoothed gopher in a pile of soft dirt, so I figured I’d try ’em out and see what all the fuss was about.

I bought the Riding Mower and First Down scents, being that I’m a general sucker for the smell of fresh cut grass and leather spiked balls, but they wasn’t anything to write home about.  Better than Honeysuckle Cinnamon Truffles or Sunkissed Cookie Freckles, and all that other crap.  But the scent that made me harder than a woodpecker’s lips pecking away at a pine tree was the 2X4 scent.   It filled the whole house up and made it smell just like I was down at Pappy’s lumber mill.   Sawdust.  Now we’re gettin’ somewhere.

I got a new old lady, and she says the 2X4 scent makes her hotter’n an ol’ settin’ hen, settin’ eggs in a wool basket in the summertime.  As long as the old lady’s a happy camper, I’m a happy camper.  I’d recommend this mandle to all the fellas.

So that’s a 10-4 on the 2X4 good buddy.  5 stars, 3 cheers, and a perfect 10 for the sawdust scented mandle that’ll leave you happier than a puppy with 2 peters