Alls I asked for on my fourteenth birthday
Was for a horse to go riding with him or her
Pap told me I was dreaming son
So I didn’t know if I would get one for sure
Well, turns out I got a ballcap instead
But Gram was nice enough to make me a deal
She said just down the street was this old guy named Fred
He told Gram I could pet his horse anytime I feel
I shook hands on that one with Gram
I says, “You’re on” and then I marched down to Fred’s
The old geezer had this sleek, brown horse
I guess he named the horse plain old Ed
Now, I didn’t tell Fred nothing
But I thought that name was kinda raw
I renamed Ed “Lucky Stars”
He was the prettiest horse that I ever did saw
Lucky Stars was a true character
He was always makin funny faces
I knew we was goin to be best friends
I told the horse we was gonna go some places
Fred told me Lucky Stars wasn’t meant for riding
He said he would turn nasty mean
One day when Fred wasn’t lookin
I jumped on that sucker like you wouldn’t believe
Turns out Fred was right after all
Lucky Stars got these mean old buck teeth
He turned into a total grouch ever since that ride
Then the poor Lucky Stars had to be put to sleep
(in remembrance of Lucky Stars)
* * * * * * * *
“What A Pickle”
Before you was a pickle
You was a cucumber on my Gram and Pap’s farm
I seen them care for you
I seen them keep the critters from causing you harm
Now you are a pickle
Gram keeps you sealed tight inside a mason jar
I bet you are daydreaming
Of when you was a cucumber buried underneath the stars
I asked Gram how’s come she done this to you
She told me she was busy, so go ask your Pap
So when I seen him in the living room
Of all the things
He had that mason jar resting on his lap
Pap reached his grubby paws inside the jar
He offered me the biggest pickle that I ever seen
Now what a pickle
Should I eat you or just leave you be?
* * * * * * * *
“Puntin’ or Gruntin'”
“Yinz puntin’ or gruntin’?”
Uncle Rodger point blank asks me and Pap
“What do yinz think?” I asked him
“We was goin to just lay down and take a nap?”
I drawed up a play in the huddle
But I seen Uncle Rodger was tryin to hear
“Hey, cut it out yinz cheaters!”
I yelled to Uncle Rodger and his friend he calls Bear
“Bring it on you fudge packers.”
Uncle Rodger says right back to me
I shouted, “Yinz are dead meat!”
We was surely about to claim our victory
Me and Pap was ready for the play
I called out, “53 blue right, set, set, hut, hike!”
Then I chucked the ball through the air
But before Pap had a chance to catch it
Uncle Rodger set him flat on his derriere
Boy, was I fuming mad
I called Uncle Rodger every name in the book
He says to, “Calm down you Nancy.
Yinz were the ones who grunted and now look.”
We got into a major scuffle
I gave Bear a good one smack to the face
Uncle Rodger was livid
He was throwin haymakers all over the place
When the tussle was over
Pap said givin us a redo was the only fair thing in this case
Uncle Rodger agreed on that one
“Yinz puntin’ or gruntin’?” he asks us
Then I punched Uncle Rodger square in the face
* * * * * * * *
Your poetic talent is a gift that is truly rare.
Move over Ralph Waldo Emerson. There’s a new poet in town, and he doesn’t need three fancy names to be a poet. He just goes by the name Ralph. BAM.
1- You cannot doulbe click on a Google document on your desktop and open it in Google Docs.2- You can’t store the Google document on your desktop and edit it offline with Google Docs.3- You cannot create any good looking document using Google Docs.4- Google docs is all about algorithms and what is the best way for many people to edit a document at the same time, that is nice, but honestly, how many people at Google edit documents at the same time? And what about all other features that the normal user wants?5- Google docs is all about a simple almost blank web page with a menu in it, Microsoft Office has a nice user interface, a helpful one, Google Docs UI is frozen back in 1995!6- Microsoft Word 95 (and maybe Word 6.0) has more document editing capabilities than Google Docs 2011 (except the multiple user editing), it has the things a normal user wants!7- Microsoft is going to integrate html5 with the Windows 8 desktop, end to end integration, Google does not care about the local user desktop, in other words there is no real chance to get a feature like doulbe click on a file on the desktop and open it in docs, Google does not believe in the desktop at all, look at Google Chrome OS!8- Google must keep a copy of your data, which is a modern way of thinking, if you want to keep a copy on a third server, or your server, it is considered an outdated way of thinking!Some people will go Google Docs, including some of my documents, but I still use Microsoft Office to write and spell-check and grammar check this post, imagine how would have looked like if I purely wrote it in Google Docs.
Oh, how I ove Ralph!!! I am so happy to see him resurrected!!!
PS Miss Tiffany would be so proud of Ralph’s writing!!!
Stiff Tiff, she was the best. I may dust off some more Ralph. He’s still my favorite character, but I think he may need a separate blog to do him justice. One of these days…
that just brings tears to my eyes… from laughter :) love it! can’t wait to see what else ralph has to say. :)
I may break out some more Ralph down the road. He’s a character!
A matador with a rose, now how am I to resist that?
Your beloved, Bernice
~ My lovely, Bernice, my dear cowgirl. ~ Have a great weekend. Yee-haw!!!
Be careful at the rodeo, Ralph. We ain’t got no dental insurance.
Ride ’em, Cowboy. Now go get that thar blue ribbon and the money prize. Our children need shoes and vittles. You is the best bronco buster west of the Mississip’, and don’t you forget it!
This is nice.
You’re TOO much!
I like it.
TOO much. You got that right! Thanks, Yvonne.
EAT THE PICKLE!! EAT THE PICKLE!!! lol
Done and done. I could eat a whole 5 gallon jar. Pickles are the shizzz.
Just thinking about a pickle makes my mouth water! lol