Wooooooo doggie! It’s been a while since I’ve done one for the ladies and the gay gentlemen, so here you go. Here’s an autographed topless photo of me while out for a jog the other day.
I’m back to running and I haven’t drank for a week. Ladies, it’s worth mentioning that I’m very much single and I’m super awesome at taking out the trash. Totally just kidding. Taking out the trash is the worst. But for the love of God, would one of you girls just marry me already. I haven’t french kissed a girl in like 5 years, and I’m getting tired of making out with my pillow night after night.
Anywho, enough complaining. It’s been a while since I’ve done a proper thank you to you dimwits. I used to do up something special for every milestone: 50 followers, 500 followers, 1,000 followers, 70 gagillion followers, ect. But then somebody brought it to my attention that calling people followers maybe isn’t the best term, because the word follower has some sort of sheepish connotation to it.
You dimwits aren’t sheep. You’re tigers, you’re leaders. You’re wonderful people, so I’ll just leave it at that. I’ll just say thank you for reading however many of you there are, because it means a lot to me. It used to just be my mother reading this damn thing and it got annoying with her commenting all the time, and nobody else (Hey ma, I need to borrow $1,000 pronto. Wire it to my account. Thanks.)
I hate math. I hate it even worse than taking out the trash, but I wanna go over some math with you real quick. I made my first money ever off of writing last month. I put these stupid ads on my blog because I wanna buy a big ass yacht. Guess how much money I earned the first month? A whopping 7 dollars and 33 cents. Woopty do, dinner is on me ladies. Looks like we’ll be eating at Arby’s and we’ll have to share that chocolate milkshake. If there’s any money left over, we can go buy a cookie from Subway. 7 dollars and 33 cents. What a crock.
I got out my calculator. I’ve been writing for about eight years now, so I’ve earned roughly one dollar per year. I’d say over the course of a year, I average writing and Photoshopping about an hour a day. So that’s 365 hours per year. One dollar per year, divided by 365 hours, equals .0027 per hour. Now, keep in mind the big ass yacht that I want to buy costs 65 million dollars.
I did some more math. Math is seriously the worst. I’d rather watch reruns of Lucy than do math. I forget how I came to the answer exactly, but I figured out at this rate, I’d have to write for about 15 billion more hours to be able to afford the 65 million dollar big ass yacht. Sounds about right. What a crock indeed. I think I’m gonna start making candles instead of writing. At least my apartment will smell nice.
No, but seriously, I do enjoy writing and I plan to continue writing in the future as I get time. I know my blog is confusing, and as a result, I’ve lost a lot of folks along the way. Sometimes I write serious, sometimes funny. Sometimes I share sad stories, sometimes I make Photoshop tutorials. Sometimes it’s photos, sometimes it’s videos. For a simpleton, I’m a very complex man. But through all the various writing – up and down, sideways and backwards – some of you have stuck around through the whole thing, and that’s really cool. I appreciate it mucho. So this is my thanks to you.
I don’t like to make promises, but I think I worked a lot of stuff out last month. I’m feeling good, so I think I’ll stick to some really funny writing for a while. I have a bunch of ideas, some old stuff, some new stuff. We’ll just see where the road leads. It better lead me to that big ass yacht. 7 dollars and 33 cents. Hey WordAds, suck it! Take your $7.33 and stick it up your greedy, coroporate arse.
Well, anyway ladies and gay gentlemen. Here’s a bonus video especially for you. It’s a compilation video I made a few years back of my professional modeling photos. I put it to the song “Love Is On the Way” by Saigon Kick. Better get the cold shower ready.
Thanks again you dimwits. Have a nice day. I will do the same.
Killer eyes. I’m thinking you’ll be married by the end of the year. Please, please invite me to the wedding! And, plan it in either Hawaii or Italy. Okay, or “Belize” — and you know why!
PS Love the song you chose for the video. Almost forgot about your modeling days!
Remember when you tried to make me and some of the kids a model back in the day? HAHAHAHA. That was hilarious. And you got it. I’m getting married in Italy. Speaking of which, that’s going to be my next post, “25 Must See Photos of Italy: Part 2.” Sweet.
You sir, are hilarious and I have say thank you! Why? Because I couldn’t remember for the life of me what the name of that damn song was OR who sang it and since it’s taken a liking to swirling around my brain, now I can at least put a name to it. You rock!
You rock! A whole lotta rock n’ rollin going on around these here parts. I’m throwing a Prom for my 40th birthday party. We got 5 years, but you’re invited. We’ll have a slow dance to Saigon Kick. I look forward to it. Cheers.
Saigon Kick?? Finally, Love Is On The Way!! lol
No, you rock! And you know you do! :D Ooooooh prom! I didn’t go to my HS Prom so I’ll be sure to attend your 40th bday, prom party! Whoop Whoop sounds good to me! In five years I’ll be 33, so if your bday is anywhere near August, it really doesn’t matter, I’ll silently celebrate while dancing like no one’s watching, and of course, I’ll take you up on that slow dance! Can’t wait to keep reading! Oh and AdSense won’t touch my blog, apparently my use of the eff bomb is an immediate disqualification…psh
Those fuckers! Haha. Well, when I get the big ass yacht from all my AdSense earnings, I’m throwing a big party. So you’re invited to that one, too. We’ll fast dance for the yacht party. Booyah.
Yeah, stupid!! they sent me an email with red flags everywhere. Beware of the eff bomb!! Party on a yacht?! Yes! I’m in, I’ll bring the zinc and some Jim Beam! You provide awesome music! :p
i have no idea how anyone could walk away from this blog lol i’ve been captured from day one. ups, downs, and sideways… it’s all been enjoyable. i’d offer to marry you but sadly i live on the wrong side of the country and i’d feel bad for teasing you. so sadly i can’t make such an offer, though admittedly it’s definitely tempting with those pretty blue eyes, awesome match.com profiles, the big heart you have and awesome sense of humor. there’s a lucky dimwit lady out there for you i know it ;) oh and hey… nothing wrong with sharing a chocolate milkshake… some may even consider that a lil’ romantical… just saying. :)
Well, I’d share a chocolate shake with you! You’re always a ray of sunshine to my day. Keep shining, dear.
Just throw the 7.33 down on a hand of blackjack, and win. Then take the winnings, throw it down again, and win again. The amount will just keep doubling, and you’ll have your 65 million in no time. Just don’t lose a hand.
I like your style, although the only thing I’ve ever won in my entire life is a free soda from a gumball machine on the pier in LA. It was a special moment. I’ve got the photo somewhere, I’ll have to post it.
You crack me up. By the way… I am totally available. I am really not as crazy and depressing as what I write – it’s just been a bad year. ;)
Let’s get married! You just have to somehow coral me. This Italian Stallion likes to roam. Giddy up.
I’d be more open to an open marriage anyways… You live there, I live here… I get a couple of kids out of the deal… You can do whatever you want. :)
Where’d ya get those peepers?
K-Mart, when I was shopping for turtlenecks. They were on sale for $7.33. What a bargain!
I want me some.
Hi I am so delighted I found your blog, I relaly found you by error, while I was researching on Aol for something else, Anyways I am here now and would just like to say thanks for a remarkable post and a all round entertaining blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to go through it all at the moment but I have book-marked it and also included your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a great deal more, Please do keep up the fantastic job.
I am totally into polygamy … just in case that was the deciding factor.
YES! I couldn’t imagine, though. I can’t even find one girlfriend. How do people get married like 8 times? Or have 8 wives? 8 wives would drive me nuts! Or maybe that’s the key? Well, if I ever decide to move to Utah and become a polygamist, you are surely counted in as one of the 8, my Tumbleweed.
I’d marry you in a Manhattan minute if I was a couple of decades younger… ok …. make that three decades, younger. I will however accept an invitation to your your wedding if you can arrange for Colin Farrell to be there seated next to me ….. at our own private table. I don’t French kiss because the human mouth is rife with bacteria but I’d make an exception for Colin.
Over and out.
Ha! You and your bacteria. French kissing is the best! Just use a little mouthwash or whiskey, and good to go. Consider yourself invited, darling. I’ll see what I can do about Cloin.
I’ll get back to you on the French kissing thing. BUT count me in for the wedding. Pick a nice girl your mother would approve of. If you can’t coerce Colin into attending, I’ll still come.
I enjoy the complete randomness that is your blog Chris so keep it coming! Just remember us ‘followers’ when you are rich and famous off WordAds
Oh yeahhhhhh. I can’t wait to see this month’s totals. I’m thinking it will be somewhere in the 20 dollar range. It’s time to go turtleneck shopping. Gotta look good for when we meet up, you know. Thanks!
IMO, this old bag is dangerous.With acnnadivg age & such obvious brain damage already, who knows what she could be talked into? I can totally see one of the extremists handing her a .38 and convincing her that she\’d be doing God\’s Work
My blog is also very eclectic. My husband told me it would never be popular. People would follow for one reason or another, then if I went in a different direction they would jump ship. He was right. But I would rather have 20 people that I love then 2000 people that I don’t know. And I would rather write about something that is meaningful to me then write what others want to hear. I love your blog, the ups and downs, the good and bad. You are a real person, a complex person and to me that is what blogging is all about. Keep it up and write what is in your heart–from a Dimgroupy
Thanks dear! Yeah, I don’t know any other way to write than to be all over the place. I write from the heart, so sometimes it’s up, down, funny, sad, whatever I’m in the mood for at the moment. Passion, baby. It’s the Italian in me.
I write the same way. Pure catharsis. Poems, songs stories happy and sad you name it. It is the human experience that makes us who we are. Cheers!
you are kind of awesome
Well, thank you kindly. You are kind of amazing.
I can’t shtick to a shtick either. That’s not what life is about anyways. For one thing, it’s totally boring… But that’s just my 2 cents. Add it to your $7.33 and you got $7.35. Getin’ richer every day!
Shticks are for people with sticks up their arse! Thanks for your 2 cents. I’ll put it towards the past due electric bill before they shut off my power. Booyah.
Lookin’ hot!! Lookin’ damn hot!! I thought you trying to cook up a little sumpin’ sumpin’ with some chocolate princess you met?? What happened with that?? No French kiss for 5 years??? I would marry you, but don’t think you’re into cougars. . . .sad. . . RAWR!! ;)
Oh, I’m into cougars. Italian stallions and cougars get along great, especially the rich cougars. I don’t know what happened to the chocolate princess. I have this bad habit of emailing when I’m drunk, so lord knows what kind of a message I sent her one night. Son of a bitch. Well, what’s that Marilyn Monroe quote? If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. Her loss.
That is EXACTLY why I am always on my worst behavior!! I am not rich, but I do have my own house, and pay my bills on time. How do you like cats, because I have 2. ;)
I love the Dimwit Diary, and would like to add a link to it on my blog if that works for you. I’m all over the place too, in an average kind of way (like I’ve never written anything as dark as a suicide piece or anything so funny it would actually make someone laugh), but I pride myself on striving to achieve perfect mediocrity in my disjointed writings. Looking forward to following a fellow dimwit.
Of course you can add a link! I would be honored. Thank you. I’ll have to check out your disjointed writings when I get more time.
u liked one of my posts a while back, so thanks.
the second best i’ve ever read actually
and….i just really really really hope you’ll find love.
love is awesome. trust me, i know.
i read a couple of posts, laughed a lot but somehow ended up wanting to ask if you’re ok.
so…i hope you’re ok.
Thanks for asking! I guess I’m ok. That’s maybe not the reassuring answer you were looking for, but I’ll put it this way: I have way more good days than bad days. I don’t like math, but I think that’s a good equation. More good days than bad days. I hope you’re ok, too. :)
Be careful with those Arby’s dates. There is a good chance one of you might end up sick. And no, of course I’m not speaking from experience…
Haha! Yeah, sure. Well, maybe I’ll take her to Taco Bell instead. And after I collect this month’s earnings, I might even be able to afford Olive Garden. Fingers crossed….
I honestly can’t conceive of a single plausible reason that would explain your being single. I can’t. Shame you were most likely in your teens when I was born.
Well, dangit, Dr. Fuzz. I can’t figure it out, either. Except I’m usually either hiding out, or on the go. It’s hard to pin me down, but if the right gal comes along, I’d be up for a good pinning. Until then, I’ll just keep on enjoying this strange thing we call life. Cheers.
I’m watching you from the 1st time I followed your blog through these days … does it sound creepy? I have my own reason :) Anyway, I believe that it’s easy to forget our intention on blogging when entering the blog world especially if we rely on how many followers we will get. (Yeah, I’m sure it might be great if I can get more than 2000 followers which I don’t and will never reach that level for sure) to keep them with us or gain more and more, we might try to post things to please others. And if we start to do that, blogging will not be as fun as before. But if we are true to ourselves, blog what we are/think/do/hope/dream… It doesn’t matter how many followers has lost along the line.
IMO, from reading your blogs so far your are one of people who are true to yourself. I might not like or leave comment but I read most of them starting from the time I found you. I think your writing style and the way you tell stories are easy for me to read. Not take much my time reading your words even though sometimes there are a lot of them on this thing called blog ;)
Hopefully, you keep writing. I will keep reading :)
And thank you to introduce your mom to us, I just saw her blog here in WordPress. Read some of her posts and I love the way she tells her stories.
By the way, for the purpose of this blog, congratulations to you for $7.33
And I’ll be watching you. Creepy or not? Mwa ha ha ha >:)
Not creepy! I always love hearing from you :) Thanks for reading. And yeah, this blog is mainly for writing practice, so I try not to get too caught up in numbers, stats, ect. That’s not my goal, although it’s nice when you connect with others. I like to try different things, talk about different topics, and push myself with writing. It’s all over the place, but so am I. I don’t see that changing, and I think that’s good.
Well, I do intend to keep writing as I get time. I have some good ones coming up (at least I hope.) Thanks again. Booyah.
I’m a traditional type of person but I’m getting old and tired of waiting… Marry me?
YESSSSS! As long as you’re cool with your husband disappearing for 6 months out of the year. It’s not because I’ll be cheating on you, well, unless you consider looking at frogs cheating. It’s just, I need my space. You can even come along on occasion if you’d like, but maybe you like space too, and it will be a nice break for the both of us.
One other condition. We have to have our reception at a Moose Lodge or an Elks Lodge. It’s been a dream of mine. Let’s get married.
I enjoy my alone time so that works out well for both of us! And The Moose Lodge… I really like Moose.
I can’t play that video. It’s probably in contention at Sundance. Dang. I’m heading into the house to the iMac. Gotta see this bugger. I do, I do, I do.
Ha! It’s not that great, actually. But worth a peak if you’re bored. It wouldn’t play on my phone for some reason, so hopefully it works on your iMac. Giddy up Cowgirl!
Can we have Arby’s at the Moose Lodge? I’m starving and craving Arby’s now. If you give that a thumbs up, the wedding is pretty much planned and that’s a huge relief. Really a dream come true…thanks!
No thank you! I love it. A catered meal from Arby’s at the Moose Lodge. This is sounding better and better by the minute.
OK, this was just a promising portrait, not even near the topless you mention. You are topless alright, but we barely see the naked shoulders. Maybe a bit of nudity will get you more than 7.33$.
Yes, well there’s a reason I only show the naked shoulders on up. My body is, how should I say, not the most flattering. Maybe I’ll do a Photoshop tutorial to teach people how to look like the movie stars in ads.