Poems By Ralph – “Lucky Stars,” “What A Pickle,” and “Puntin’ Or Gruntin'”

“Lucky Stars”

Alls I asked for on my fourteenth birthday
Was for a horse to go riding with him or her
Pap told me I was dreaming son
So I didn’t know if I would get one for sure

Well, turns out I got a ballcap instead
But Gram was nice enough to make me a deal
She said just down the street was this old guy named Fred
He told Gram I could pet his horse anytime I feel

I shook hands on that one with Gram
I says, “You’re on” and then I marched down to Fred’s
The old geezer had this sleek, brown horse
I guess he named the horse plain old Ed

Now, I didn’t tell Fred nothing
But I thought that name was kinda raw
I renamed Ed “Lucky Stars”
He was the prettiest horse that I ever did saw

Lucky Stars was a true character
He was always makin funny faces
I knew we was goin to be best friends
I told the horse we was gonna go some places

Fred told me Lucky Stars wasn’t meant for riding
He said he would turn nasty mean
One day when Fred wasn’t lookin
I jumped on that sucker like you wouldn’t believe

Turns out Fred was right after all
Lucky Stars got these mean old buck teeth
He turned into a total grouch ever since that ride
Then the poor Lucky Stars had to be put to sleep

(in remembrance of Lucky Stars)

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

“What A Pickle”

Before you was a pickle
You was a cucumber on my Gram and Pap’s farm
I seen them care for you
I seen them keep the critters from causing you harm

Now you are a pickle
Gram keeps you sealed tight inside a mason jar
I bet you are daydreaming
Of when you was a cucumber buried underneath the stars

I asked Gram how’s come she done this to you
She told me she was busy, so go ask your Pap
So when I seen him in the living room
Of all the things
He had that mason jar resting on his lap

Pap reached his grubby paws inside the jar
He offered me the biggest pickle that I ever seen
Now what a pickle
Should I eat you or just leave you be?

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

“Puntin’ or Gruntin'”

“Yinz puntin’ or gruntin’?”
Uncle Rodger point blank asks me and Pap
“What do yinz think?” I asked him
“We was goin to just lay down and take a nap?”

I drawed up a play in the huddle
But I seen Uncle Rodger was tryin to hear
“Hey, cut it out yinz cheaters!”
I yelled to Uncle Rodger and his friend he calls Bear

“Bring it on you fudge packers.”
Uncle Rodger says right back to me
I shouted, “Yinz are dead meat!”
We was surely about to claim our victory

Me and Pap was ready for the play
I called out, “53 blue right, set, set, hut, hike!”
Then I chucked the ball through the air
But before Pap had a chance to catch it
Uncle Rodger set him flat on his derriere

Boy, was I fuming mad
I called Uncle Rodger every name in the book
He says to, “Calm down you Nancy.
Yinz were the ones who grunted and now look.”

We got into a major scuffle
I gave Bear a good one smack to the face
Uncle Rodger was livid
He was throwin haymakers all over the place

When the tussle was over
Pap said givin us a redo was the only fair thing in this case
Uncle Rodger agreed on that one
“Yinz puntin’ or gruntin’?” he asks us
Then I punched Uncle Rodger square in the face

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Meet Ralph

Well, you dimwits.  The time has come.  It’s time you meet a long lost friend of mine, a friend that began it all for me.  A friend that first got me into writing over eight years ago.  It’s time that you meet Ralph.

Ralph is an alter ego character that I created during the MySpace days.  I began Photoshopping my head onto various bodies and gave myself snaggly teeth, crossed eyes, big ears, and crazy costumes.  I posted the Photoshop images to MySpace, and a star was born.  Ralph became a cult sensation.  I had people all across the world following along with Ralph’s misadventures, until one day, I took the site down completely.  Ralph disappeared over night.  It was a sad farewell.

I tried to resurrect Ralph several times over the years unsuccessfully, including on this blog back when very few people were reading.  I figured I’d give it another shot and see where it goes.  Maybe it will end up at the bottom of the lake.

In a nutshell, Ralph is a fiesty, fiery, 15 year old trapped in a 28 year old’s body.   He loves beef jerky, dungeons and dragons, WWF wrestling, ZZ Top, and game shows, including his favorite game show of all time “Love Connection” hosted by Chuck Woolery.  Ralph lives in the basement of his Gram and Pap’s country home in western Pennsylvania.  He fights mightily with his combative Pap, Uncle Rodger, and cousins.  For a further introduction and more photos, click the link here.

I have a bunch of old Ralph material that I might dust off and polish.  We’ll see.  But for now, I’ll leave you with a few poems that Ralph wrote since I was talking about poetry in the previous post.  Hope you enjoy.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

“Uncle Rodger’s Hunting Cabin”

The one thing about
Uncle Rodger’s hunting cabin
Is that it’s always cozy
He keeps the temperature
Always nice, never too toasty

After a long day of hunting
Might be deer
Might be some caribou
He always treats us kindly
He up and says, “Here, yinz want some brews?”

We kick back a couple cold ones
Have some delicious beef jerky treats
On the fold out couch bed
That’s where Uncle Rodger lets me sleep

Now this one time
I screamed, “Hey Rodger, I seen a rat!”
Uncle Rodger says, “Now Ralph.
We can’t have none of that.”

Sure enough
He whips out a humongous 12 gauge
I couldn’t believe my eyes
As Uncle Rodger lit up the whole damn place

I says, “Holy crap Uncle Rodger!
You’re making holes in the walls!”
He just up and laughs
And then he says, “Ralph, ain’t we havin a ball.”

    *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

“Home Sweet Motorhome”

I bet yinz will be jealous
To hear I went cross country in Uncle Rodger’s motorhome
I don’t blame yinz one bit
Missin out on them spacious skies and mountain domes

Gram was majorly upset
She couldn’t come along cause of a mild stroke
I had to rub it in on that one
I says to her “Na na na na na” just to get her yoke

Uncle Rodger gave the camper a tune up before we left
We was ready to rock ‘n roll
I called out, “Shotgun!”
But Rodger says,  “Sit in the back with your cousin Joel.”

Joel’s feet smelled like onions
So I asked to switch with Pap at every single stop
Pap says, “Nice try Ralph.”
So I was stuck in the back with my cousin’s smelly socks

Other than that
The trip was goin’ just as smooth as could be
That was until Uncle Rodger swerved
Tryin to avoid a pack of them wild coyotes

We ran clear off the road
We was headed straight for a big ole’ ditch
I screamed for Uncle Rodger to gun it
He says, “Shut up in the back you son of a monkey’s tit!”

The camper was bent all to hell
Joel was cryin’ and Uncle Rodger was mad as a toad
I said, “See Uncle Rodger.
Shoulda’ let me ride shotgun to navigate the road.”

  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

A Letter From Ralph – Life On The Funny Farm

So who’s the cross-eyed, snaggletoothed, speedo wearing hunka hunka burning flames?  That’s my good pal, Ralph.  Click the link here for a brief introduction if you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting the wacky feller yet.
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March 19, 2013

Dear Chris the Buttmuncher,

Whad’ya say buddy old pal?  How the heck you been?  I figured I mine as well fill you in on everything that’s been going on round here since it’s been a while.

For the most part, things is pretty much the same as they’ve always been.  Pap is still grumpier than ever, Gram is still loonier than a jaybird, and Uncle Rodger still smells like he rolled around in muenster cheese and vidalia onions.  I bet the last time he stepped foot in a shower was when color TV was first invented.  Don’t tell him I said that neither, cause he’s likely to go on one of his holy tirades and throw a major hissy fit.  I swear the only reason he was put on this earth is to drink Old Milwaukees and to make my life as miserable as possible.  He’s doing a pretty good job at both of them too, trust me.

I’m still living with Gram and Pap.  It’s a royal pain in the behind most days.  Me and Pap fight like cats and dogs.  We argue over just about everything.  He wants to listen to Sinatra, I want to listen to Slipknot.  He wants to watch It’s A Wonderful Life, I want to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  It goes on like this all day long.  And then there’s Gram.  You up and ask her anything and she just starts clucking like a chicken or barking like a puppy dog.  Pap says that’s cause her mind has gone and checked itself into the funny farm.  It is pretty funny too, I half to admit, especially when she scarfs down an entire tub of Country Crock churn style butter before I half to tell her “Gram, that ain’t the vanilla ice cream you numbskull!” She’s something else, I swear.

All my friends keep telling me “Ralph, how’s come you still live with your grandparents?  By God you’re 28 years old.  Ain’t it high tied you moved out and got your own place?” But I don’t pay no attention to them losers, because even though Gram has gone psycho and calls me Kathy instead of Ralph, at least she’ll set there and listen to my stories about slaying dragons and killing flesh eating zombies.  That’s more than I can say for Pap.  He don’t like my stories and he makes no beans about it.  It just gets us to arguing all over again.  So what else is new right?  Same old same old.

Even though living with Gram and Pap is a pain in the royal behind and we fight a lot, I’d probably be completely lost if it wasn’t for them.   It’ll be a sad day when them two geezers finally bite the dust – which I remind them could be any day now, but of course Pap don’t wanna hear it and Gram just starts laughing her head off like a pack of wild hyenas.

I guess nothing too, too major happened over the past year that I can think of except Gram got the shingles, Pap had a stroke and swears he seen Jesus, Uncle Roger spent a few months in jail, I joined a heavy metal band, and my best friend Krueger burned half his face off one afternoon cause me and him was in the backyard practicing to become fire breathers.  He had to have several surgeries but he’s okay for the most part other than his face looks like somebody took a meat cleaver to the side of it kinda like Freddy Krueger in them Nightmare on Elm Street horror flicks.  That’s actually how’s come I call him Krueger, but he don’t mind the nickname all that much.  He says having a mangled up face is a good icebreaker when it comes to meeting chicks.  Of course me and him is still single, so I don’t know that it’s helping him out all that much.  You’ll half to meet him sometime.  He’s a real character.

I guess that just about covers everything for now.  I’ll try to write you sooner the next time.  Stay outta trouble and I promise not to do the same.

Your good buddy,

Ralph

An Essay by Ralph: How Was My Summer Vacation?

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How Was My Summer Vacation?
By Ralph

Probably the single most best thing that happened to me this summer was goin to the ZZ Top concert with my Gram, Uncle Rodger, and two of my counsins.  Pap didn’t go cause he says listenin to that kind of crap gives him ulcers.  Uncle Rodger kept urking him on and calling him Suzie Q, but I just says, “Fine. Pap don’t want to go see the greatest rock band of all time, then it’s his loss Uncle Rodger.”

You shoulda seen it.  ZZ Top was just beltin out one classic hit after another, but there was this one song that I really wanted them to play, so I finally screamed it out, “Why don’t yins play Pearl Necklace!” And sure enough, seven songs later, what song do they start playing?  Pearl Necklace.  Uncle Rodger told me, “Hey queerbait.  Do you even know what a pearl necklace is?”  I says, “What do you think?  That I was born in a cave and raised by friendly wolves?  Of course I know what a pearl necklace is.”  He argued that no I don’t.  He leans in so Gram can’t hear and he tells me, “A pearl necklace is when a guy splooges on a woman’s neck.”

So now I know what a pearl necklace is.  I guess you learn something new everyday, especially with my idiotic Uncle Rodger around, that’s for sure.   So how was your summer Mrs. McMinn?  Did you take any cool vacations?

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Ralph received the following note on his essay from his 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. McMinn:

Ralph, comments like these are appalling. I spoke with the Principal about your behavior, and we will be having a conference meeting concerning this matter.

Introducing Ralph

Hi there my fellow dimwits.  I wanted to take a minute to introduce my big eared, snaggletoothed, lazy-eyed, bib overall, John Deere hat wearing friend, Ralph.

Ralph is my alter ego that I created about 6 years ago during the MySpace days.  I’m not so sure someone like me needs an alter ego, but Ralph just sorta happened like all great, happy accidents seem to do (isn’t that right Mom and Dad!).  I started Photoshopping my head onto the bodies of random photos that I found on the internet, mashed up the face a bit, played with the teeth a little, crossed up the eyes, and BOOM.  Ralph was born.

I created a MySpace and began posting funny photos, poems, essays, and letters that Ralph had written to people like the President, the Pope, his pastor, girlfriends, high school teachers, Chuck Woolery, and to the management of Ralph’s all time favorite restaurant – Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I also created a fake TV show called “Late Knight With Ralph” that Ralph filmed in his grandparents’ wood paneled basement with the help of his sweet 70 year old Gram acting as the camera operator and Ralph taking on the role of host.

Ralph would try to get famous guests on his show like Oprah Winfrey and Hulk Hogan, but he didn’t have a lot of success in the way of recruiting, so he would have to settle for interviewing whoever he could manage to scrounge up in his local neighborhood, like the post man or his crude, combative Uncle Rodger.   I would post the transcripts from the Late Knight show to Ralph’s MySpace.  It was pretty stinking hilarious.

Ralph had built up a bit of a cult following on MySpace.  He had fans from all over the US and a few fans from across the globe.  I never realized just how popular Ralph had gotten until I was working on a movie called “Smart People” in Pittsburgh.   I was talking with the production designer and somehow Ralph came up in conversation.  The designer mentioned that his high school son was a huge fan of Ralph, and he asked me if I had ever seen the Ralph MySpace.  I was kind of taken aback.  I told the him, “Yeah, I’m actually quite familiar with the site.  This is going to sound a little strange, but I’m Ralph.  I’m the guy who created the Ralph MySpace page.”

The designer was floored.  He called his son to tell him that he’s working on a movie with Ralph.  I ended up mailing his son a special gift and signed a card that included a silly note from his mischievous, snaggletoothed hero.

It was all really strange for me to be perfectly honest.  I was just some dude who sat in his bedroom writing goofy letters and making silly images on my laptop during my spare time.  I’m not sure what happened.  I guess I got overwhelmed, or felt guilty that I couldn’t respond to all the comments and messages.  It was all too much really, and I felt a tremendous sense of burden to entertain everyone.  One night, I took the MySpace site down completely.  Poof.  Just like that, Ralph was no more.

I don’t know why, but I guess I’ve been missing my hillbilly alter ego friend lately.  It was a little sad the way I had killed Ralph off without a proper goodbye to his fans.  I don’t know that I’m necessarily ready to revive Ralph completely, but I have been doing some new writing with his character.  I think it’s pretty funny, but I’ll let you guys be the judge.  I’ll be posting some new and old stuff periodically.

Just a quick set-up to give a little background information:  Ralph is 28, lives with his grandparents (Gram and Pap), feuds mightily with his Uncle Rodger, plays Dungeons and Dragons, idolizes WWF wrestling, blasts his favorite band ZZ Top, and loves, loves, loves chowing down on beef jerky.  The rest of his character I think you’ll catch on pretty quickly.