food | The Dimwit Diary

Three years ago, I took my Mom on a two week vacation to Italy. It’s always been a dream of hers to visit the motherland, so I was happy to be in a position to finally see that her dream was fulfilled.

Despite a few tense moments to be expected when a mother and her 32 year old son team up to travel, it was a great trip. We traveled to Rome, toured the Colosseum, visited the Vatican, took a train to Sicily, walked the beaches, drove the countryside, and ate gelato until our hearts were content.

Whether you’ve personally been to Italy or have only seen the beautiful country through photos, I think you’ll find a mother-son take to be a fresh perspective. I previously posted 25 must see photos of Italy back in March. This time I’m upping the ante. Without further ado, may I present 40 must see photos of Italy like you’ve never seen before.

1. My Mom taking a picture of an Italy tour guide book

2. My Mom taking a picture of a map of Italy

3. My Mom taking a picture of me reading a brochure

4. My Mom taking a picture of a pine tree

5. My Mom taking a picture of a barren tree

6. My Mom taking a picture of a TV

7. My Mom taking a picture of a monk

8. My Mom taking a picture of a nun

9. My Mom taking a picture of Jesus

10. My Mom taking a picture of a severed head

11. Me taking a picture of a severed head

12. My Mom taking a picture of a fruit salad

13. My Mom taking a picture of a Coke can

14. My Mom taking a picture of a McDonald’s dessert menu

15. My Mom taking a picture of red chili peppers

16. My Mom taking a picture of oranges

17. Me taking a picture of bread

18. My Mom taking a picture of me eating pizza crust

19. My Mom taking a picture of me eating liver and onions

20. My Mom taking a picture of me dipping bread in olive oil

21. My Mom taking a picture of me ordering cheese

22. My Mom taking a picture of me eating cheese

23. Me taking a picture of my Mom ordering cheese

24. My Mom taking a picture of me sitting in a chair

25. My Mom taking another picture of me sitting in a chair

26. My Mom taking a picture of me looking at an iron gate

27. My Mom taking a picture of me looking at a napkin holder

28. My Mom taking a picture of me contemplating suicide

29. My Mom taking a picture of a lady with a bag over her head

30. My Mom taking a picture of a police car

31. My Mom taking another picture of a TV

32. My Mom taking a picture of snails

33. My Mom taking a picture of a dog

34. My Mom taking a picture of a cow

35. My Mom taking a picture of a horse

36. Me taking a picture of a seagull

37. A close-up picture of a seagull

38. My Mom taking 86 pictures of a sunset

39. A picture of me and my Mom at the Trevi Fountain in Rome

40. My Mom taking one last picture of a TV

“Lucky Stars”

Alls I asked for on my fourteenth birthday
Was for a horse to go riding with him or her
Pap told me I was dreaming son
So I didn’t know if I would get one for sure

Well, turns out I got a ballcap instead
But Gram was nice enough to make me a deal
She said just down the street was this old guy named Fred
He told Gram I could pet his horse anytime I feel

I shook hands on that one with Gram
I says, “You’re on” and then I marched down to Fred’s
The old geezer had this sleek, brown horse
I guess he named the horse plain old Ed

Now, I didn’t tell Fred nothing
But I thought that name was kinda raw
I renamed Ed “Lucky Stars”
He was the prettiest horse that I ever did saw

Lucky Stars was a true character
He was always makin funny faces
I knew we was goin to be best friends
I told the horse we was gonna go some places

Fred told me Lucky Stars wasn’t meant for riding
He said he would turn nasty mean
One day when Fred wasn’t lookin
I jumped on that sucker like you wouldn’t believe

Turns out Fred was right after all
Lucky Stars got these mean old buck teeth
He turned into a total grouch ever since that ride
Then the poor Lucky Stars had to be put to sleep

(in remembrance of Lucky Stars)

* * * * * * * *

“What A Pickle”

Before you was a pickle
You was a cucumber on my Gram and Pap’s farm
I seen them care for you
I seen them keep the critters from causing you harm

Now you are a pickle
Gram keeps you sealed tight inside a mason jar
I bet you are daydreaming
Of when you was a cucumber buried underneath the stars

I asked Gram how’s come she done this to you
She told me she was busy, so go ask your Pap
So when I seen him in the living room
Of all the things
He had that mason jar resting on his lap

Pap reached his grubby paws inside the jar
He offered me the biggest pickle that I ever seen
Now what a pickle
Should I eat you or just leave you be?

* * * * * * * *

“Puntin’ or Gruntin'”

“Yinz puntin’ or gruntin’?”
Uncle Rodger point blank asks me and Pap
“What do yinz think?” I asked him
“We was goin to just lay down and take a nap?”

I drawed up a play in the huddle
But I seen Uncle Rodger was tryin to hear
“Hey, cut it out yinz cheaters!”
I yelled to Uncle Rodger and his friend he calls Bear

“Bring it on you fudge packers.”
Uncle Rodger says right back to me
I shouted, “Yinz are dead meat!”
We was surely about to claim our victory

Me and Pap was ready for the play
I called out, “53 blue right, set, set, hut, hike!”
Then I chucked the ball through the air
But before Pap had a chance to catch it
Uncle Rodger set him flat on his derriere

Boy, was I fuming mad
I called Uncle Rodger every name in the book
He says to, “Calm down you Nancy.
Yinz were the ones who grunted and now look.”

We got into a major scuffle
I gave Bear a good one smack to the face
Uncle Rodger was livid
He was throwin haymakers all over the place

When the tussle was over
Pap said givin us a redo was the only fair thing in this case
Uncle Rodger agreed on that one
“Yinz puntin’ or gruntin’?” he asks us
Then I punched Uncle Rodger square in the face