Chris Cares – Advice Column Volume One

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Question Logo 3  Me and my Gram was involved in a heated discussion the other day.  She’s about a billion years old, and I’m only 13 going on 14, so she don’t always see it the same way I do.  She swears on the holy Bible, and I say there ain’t no fart knocking way.  Can masturbating really make you go blind?  Thanks.  – Timothy B.

Chris cares Logo Small  My, my, Timmy boy.  I don’t even know how to respond to this one, so I figured I better turn it over to the experts.  I called up a friend of mine, Dr. Nayankumar Dekhaiya, to see what he had to say regarding the matter at hand.  So whad’ya say, doc.  Can rubbing one out really make you go blind?

“No, masturbating won’t make you go blind, you harebrained, half-wit.  Are you kidding me?  That’s an old wives’ tale.  Masturbation is actually considered a very normal, healthy way to relieve sexual tension, and it’s a very safe practice.  Now stop calling me 20 times a day with these idiotic questions.  I have a practice to maintain.”

So there you have it.  Slathering the snake, taming the tiger, bopping the boloney, pulling the pud, spanking the monkey, punishing Peter, bending it like Beckham, tugging on Timothy – whatever you want to call it – is actually considered healthy.  Now that’s some advice that many of us should find pleasurable.


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Question Logo 3  My boyfriend decided to get one of those lame ass Chinese symbol tattoos even though I was strongly opposed to the idea.  He ended up getting the Chinese symbol for “hope springs eternal” tattooed on his bicep.  Or so he thought.

I knew the tattoo artist really well from our days in high school together.  He’s into practical jokes as much as I am, so I had him tattoo the Chinese symbol for “Kung Pao Chicken” on my boyfriend’s bicep instead.

My boyfriend had no idea.  He went around showing everyone his new tattoo for months.  It was all well and good until the lady handing out free samples of teriyaki chicken at the mall told him she really liked his Kung Pao Chicken tattoo the one day.  He went absolutely berserk.

I admit it was the wrong thing to do.  I have been apologizing to my boyfriend until I’m blue in the face, but he’s still really upset with me.  He’s seriously threatening to break things off with me.  I don’t want to lose him over a freaking Kung Pao Chicken tattoo.   What should I do to make things right?   – Melissa R. 

Chris cares Logo Small  Confucius Say, you very bad girl.  Your boyfriend has every right to be upset.   If you were my girlfriend, I’d have half a notion to Kung Pao your face off, but I would never do that, because if there’s anything that religiously watching the Maury Povich Show has taught me, it’s that domestic violence is never acceptable.

You’ve admitted to being wrong, which is a good first step.  A better second step would be getting the Chinese symbol for “Cheese Wontons” tattooed on your right calf.  I think that in this case, it’s only fair that the punishment should fit the crime.  If you really want to show your boyfriend how sorry you are and how committed you are to him, then getting a Cheese Wonton tattoo is the only way to salvage the relationship.


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Have a burning question that you’d like to be answered?  Submit them in the comments section.  Chris Cares is here to help.  PERIOD.

41 thoughts on “Chris Cares – Advice Column Volume One

    • I think the 9 lives is a myth, because I once had a kitten that was eaten by a possum. I’m quite certain he was only on the first life, too. Sorry to hear about Mr. Dingle Pants. Good luck with the pet search!

  1. Thank you for always making me laugh! Now here’s my question: how can I get my ex’s new girlfriend to stop stalking me, stop harassing me, stop making shit up, and to basically crawl back under the rock she slithered out of and to never resurface again?

    • Ha, Thank God I´m not the only one, I´ve had 99 calls in one day from my ex-girlfriend,no one believes me until I show them my cell phone. It´s been two weeks now and I have to keep it off most of the time. Talk about stalking, mine will literally knife you to death, cause she already pulled a knife on me so I know. You have it easy my friend. I hope my misery makes you happier.

      • No, I don’t laugh at stuff like that because I know it’s true! And other people’s misery doesn’t make me happy.

        How about: “The best advice I can give you is always be the crazy one in any relationship. That way you know when crazy is about to strike. Carry your own knife, swing it around wildly. When speaking, dart your eyes around like you are looking for something in every direction. In the middle of a conversation with the ex, start screaming at the imaginary person next to you to and say something like ‘Shut up. I got this’. Pick up the phone and call her while she is in front of you and leave a message like: ‘____, where are you? I need to talk to you now.’ If that doesn’t work ask some friends to come running up, dressed as paramedics, put you in a straight jacket, and take you away. That should certainly end it.”

        I have had the 99 phone call problem before. Be safe my friend, people are crazy!

  2. It won’t make you go blind, but carpal tunnel syndrome isn’t from keeping goldfish in your Virginia.

  3. Dear ask Chris, I am undeniably in love with the most idiotic blogger on WordPress. The guy is a total dimwit, but he makes me laugh and I’m pretty sure the weed he gets is the shizznat! Should I tell him, and risk him finding out I’m probably old enough to be his mother? Should I tell him hoping he has a “thang” for older women? Or should I forget the whole thing, go inside, and watch playoff hockey with my husband and kids?
    Helplessly Hoping.

      • Well, the truth is, that you had me at dingaling, but sadly, I need to concentrate on my family. After the Leafs ridiculous loss last night, which was completely the fault of my husband for not wearing the leafs thong I laid out for him, I need to turn my attentions inward and staple that thong to his forehead while shaving off his playoff beard with an exacto knife. What a selfish, selfish man! Once I have dealt with him, I will get back to you. I hope you will wait for me.

        • Great idea Jennifer! With all the travels you make and pelope you encounter each day, I’m sure you won’t have trouble coming up with something interesting to say. (I like to follow you on Twitter, but your thoughts deserve many more than 140 characters.)

  4. Dear Chris,

    I’m an apartment manager that has a sick and twisted happy feeling when I evict someone that doesn’t pay their rent. I get some sort of gross satisfaction when I am able to tell them that I can’t accept their rent when they come to pay it late because I’ve sent their paperwork over to our attorney.

    When I go to court for the eviction hearing I always have a hard time figuring out what to wear. My question is: Should I go out and buy the ghetto-est Baby Phat outfit I can find or should I dress to impress the judge? And part two of my question would be: When I tell someone that they are getting evicted, is it unprofessional for me to brag about the fact that there are only 87 days until I get to spend 12 days living it up in Hawaii?



    • Great question. I’ve got to do some diligent research on Baby Phat wear and get back to you. 87 days?! Not that anyone’s counting. I’m eagerly anticipating the postcard, SassyManagerPanties.

  5. I am so glad you have gone into the advice column bizness, I don’t have anything to throw at you right now, but have a feeling that chaos is right around the corner. that’s not just my paranoia kicking him, I actually see him there.

    • Yes, I feel the advice column is ripe for the picking. I try to take everything that I’ve learned growing up watching Jerry Springer, Ricki Lake, and Geraldo, and use that information to the best of my ability. You have nothing to fear. Help is on the way.

  6. You could send Dr. Phil out of a business with this goldmine. I personally enjoyed your advice to the damsel in distress. Even if the relationship perishes, she’ll have one hell of a story to narrate at cocktail parties about why she’s advertizing a chinese menu on her shin.

    A bouquet of X’s and O’s.

  7. you obviously are a very wise sage. can you tell me why entire families choose to wear spandex to amusement parks? this has often sent me into a state of deep thought.

  8. You could always direct Timmy to Graham Crackers. Afterall, Sylvester Graham advocated the graham crakcer diet (all graham crackers, all the time) because he felt a bland diet would thwart the evils of masturbation. He, and the one of the Kellogg’s cereal brothers felt it would lead to blindness, insanity, and hairy palms..naturally. I feel like more people would like history if they taught this stuff in school.

  9. Um…you seem to know a lot of ways to describe masturbation. I’m afraid to ask why. I think blindness is the least of one’s worries. It’s the over-development of the forearm on one’s preferred wiener-tugging arm that could really cause problems later in life. Nothing like the telltale sign of an overachieving self-pleasurer–One arm like Popeye, the other like Olive Oyl.

    Seriously, great blog! Glad I dropped by!!

  10. I really love the advice column! It seems like you’ve helped so many already. I wish you great success in your career path and I will try to come up with a few “afraid to ask questions” in the future.:)

  11. I think Miss Kung Pao chicken needs to have “Fish Stew” tattooed on her stomach, with an arrow point down. . . .is that too harsh?? Actually, I always wonder if people ever really know what those symbols mean when they get them inked. . hence the reason I don’t have one! lol Excuse me while I go have some “alone time”. . .nice to know I won’t be going blind from it, because I was worried!! ;)

  12. Pingback: Chris Cares – Advice Column Volume One | Hacking into life

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