Chris Cares – Advice Column Volume One

  Me and my Gram was involved in a heated discussion the other day.  She’s about a billion years old, and I’m only 13 going on 14, so she don’t always see it the same way I do.  She swears on the holy Bible, and I say there ain’t no fart knocking way.  Can masturbating really make you go blind?  Thanks.  – Timothy B.

  My, my, Timmy boy.  I don’t even know how to respond to this one, so I figured I better turn it over to the experts.  I called up a friend of mine, Dr. Nayankumar Dekhaiya, to see what he had to say regarding the matter at hand.  So whad’ya say, doc.  Can rubbing one out really make you go blind?

“No, masturbating won’t make you go blind, you harebrained, half-wit.  Are you kidding me?  That’s an old wives’ tale.  Masturbation is actually considered a very normal, healthy way to relieve sexual tension, and it’s a very safe practice.  Now stop calling me 20 times a day with these idiotic questions.  I have a practice to maintain.”

So there you have it.  Slathering the snake, taming the tiger, bopping the boloney, pulling the pud, spanking the monkey, punishing Peter, bending it like Beckham, tugging on Timothy – whatever you want to call it – is actually considered healthy.  Now that’s some advice that many of us should find pleasurable.

PERIOD.

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  My boyfriend decided to get one of those lame ass Chinese symbol tattoos even though I was strongly opposed to the idea.  He ended up getting the Chinese symbol for “hope springs eternal” tattooed on his bicep.  Or so he thought.

I knew the tattoo artist really well from our days in high school together.  He’s into practical jokes as much as I am, so I had him tattoo the Chinese symbol for “Kung Pao Chicken” on my boyfriend’s bicep instead.

My boyfriend had no idea.  He went around showing everyone his new tattoo for months.  It was all well and good until the lady handing out free samples of teriyaki chicken at the mall told him she really liked his Kung Pao Chicken tattoo the one day.  He went absolutely berserk.

I admit it was the wrong thing to do.  I have been apologizing to my boyfriend until I’m blue in the face, but he’s still really upset with me.  He’s seriously threatening to break things off with me.  I don’t want to lose him over a freaking Kung Pao Chicken tattoo.   What should I do to make things right?   – Melissa R. 

  Confucius Say, you very bad girl.  Your boyfriend has every right to be upset.   If you were my girlfriend, I’d have half a notion to Kung Pao your face off, but I would never do that, because if there’s anything that religiously watching the Maury Povich Show has taught me, it’s that domestic violence is never acceptable.

You’ve admitted to being wrong, which is a good first step.  A better second step would be getting the Chinese symbol for “Cheese Wontons” tattooed on your right calf.  I think that in this case, it’s only fair that the punishment should fit the crime.  If you really want to show your boyfriend how sorry you are and how committed you are to him, then getting a Cheese Wonton tattoo is the only way to salvage the relationship.

PERIOD.

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Have a burning question that you’d like to be answered?  Submit them in the comments section.  Chris Cares is here to help.  PERIOD.