Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch (IMDb)

No time for chit chat.  No rest for the weary.  Work has been crazy busy this month.  It has the madman all tied up, but I just wanted to have a quickie with you dimwits before I get back to the grindstone.

One of these days I’ll share the story of how I broke into the biz.  How I took the film industry by storm.  It’s a pretty cool story.  It involves lots of prostitution, a donkey, and piles of cocaine.   I’m only kidding.  The donkey had nothing to do with it, but it’s still a pretty wild story as you might have guessed.  It’s been some bizarre life.

I don’t have time to respond to emails at the moment, but some of you have written me some incredibly endearing ones.  It blows my mind.  How could strangers be so kind to another stranger?  How could they know just the right words to say at the right time?  How could one man receive so many marriage proposals from married women in their 40’s and 50’s?  Who the hell knows, but I’ll take it.  Thank you to whoever you are.   I’ve read your words, and one day when the dust settles, I’ll respond with some of my own.

Some people in the emails were curious what films I’ve worked on, so I thought instead of listing them out, I’d just include a link to my IMDb.  I don’t know what the hell an IMDb stands for.  I think it means I’m part of the Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch.  Something like that.  IMDb’s are only reserved for really smart, prestigious types, so that’s gotta be it.  Click the link here if you wanna see what movies I’ve worked on.  There’s some real stinkers in there, but a few okay ones, too.

Now, I’m not big into film myself.  I rarely watch movies and I don’t own a television.  I couldn’t tell you who’s who and what actor acted in what.  I don’t follow that stuff even though I work in the film industry.  I gotta leave room inside my head for other things.  Like researching slang words for wieners and looking up funny, black people’s names.

I met a Lajuawna the other day.  She has a daughter named Jacquilla.   I had to ask her how to spell both names and it took up an entire page of my notebook to write it down.  There were vowels and consonants all over the damn place, so I just gave up and called her Tina.  I can spell Tina no problem.

Well, I gotta run.  I’ll leave you with a behind the scenes photo booth session I had with Emma Watson back when I worked with her on “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  She was a real dear.  We woulda made for a handsome couple, but it turns out Emma is allergic to donkeys and not so keen on my vast knowledge of slang words of the wiener variety.  Her loss.  She could’ve woken up to a face like this everyday.

001 Me & Emma

Chris Cares – Advice Column Volume One

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Question Logo 3  Me and my Gram was involved in a heated discussion the other day.  She’s about a billion years old, and I’m only 13 going on 14, so she don’t always see it the same way I do.  She swears on the holy Bible, and I say there ain’t no fart knocking way.  Can masturbating really make you go blind?  Thanks.  – Timothy B.

Chris cares Logo Small  My, my, Timmy boy.  I don’t even know how to respond to this one, so I figured I better turn it over to the experts.  I called up a friend of mine, Dr. Nayankumar Dekhaiya, to see what he had to say regarding the matter at hand.  So whad’ya say, doc.  Can rubbing one out really make you go blind?

“No, masturbating won’t make you go blind, you harebrained, half-wit.  Are you kidding me?  That’s an old wives’ tale.  Masturbation is actually considered a very normal, healthy way to relieve sexual tension, and it’s a very safe practice.  Now stop calling me 20 times a day with these idiotic questions.  I have a practice to maintain.”

So there you have it.  Slathering the snake, taming the tiger, bopping the boloney, pulling the pud, spanking the monkey, punishing Peter, bending it like Beckham, tugging on Timothy – whatever you want to call it – is actually considered healthy.  Now that’s some advice that many of us should find pleasurable.


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Question Logo 3  My boyfriend decided to get one of those lame ass Chinese symbol tattoos even though I was strongly opposed to the idea.  He ended up getting the Chinese symbol for “hope springs eternal” tattooed on his bicep.  Or so he thought.

I knew the tattoo artist really well from our days in high school together.  He’s into practical jokes as much as I am, so I had him tattoo the Chinese symbol for “Kung Pao Chicken” on my boyfriend’s bicep instead.

My boyfriend had no idea.  He went around showing everyone his new tattoo for months.  It was all well and good until the lady handing out free samples of teriyaki chicken at the mall told him she really liked his Kung Pao Chicken tattoo the one day.  He went absolutely berserk.

I admit it was the wrong thing to do.  I have been apologizing to my boyfriend until I’m blue in the face, but he’s still really upset with me.  He’s seriously threatening to break things off with me.  I don’t want to lose him over a freaking Kung Pao Chicken tattoo.   What should I do to make things right?   – Melissa R. 

Chris cares Logo Small  Confucius Say, you very bad girl.  Your boyfriend has every right to be upset.   If you were my girlfriend, I’d have half a notion to Kung Pao your face off, but I would never do that, because if there’s anything that religiously watching the Maury Povich Show has taught me, it’s that domestic violence is never acceptable.

You’ve admitted to being wrong, which is a good first step.  A better second step would be getting the Chinese symbol for “Cheese Wontons” tattooed on your right calf.  I think that in this case, it’s only fair that the punishment should fit the crime.  If you really want to show your boyfriend how sorry you are and how committed you are to him, then getting a Cheese Wonton tattoo is the only way to salvage the relationship.


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Have a burning question that you’d like to be answered?  Submit them in the comments section.  Chris Cares is here to help.  PERIOD.