Suppose a young man with a wild imagination and too much time on his hands went to a greasy spoon diner one evening at 3 AM. Suppose the same young man grew tired of all the belligerent drunks and lot lizards that usually frequent a greasy spoon diner late at night, so he began to surf the interwebs on his smart phone to occupy his time until his gyro omelette and rye toast were ready to be served.
Suppose that while killing time surfing the interwebs, the young man came across some famous quotes and later stumbled upon the humorous website, Damn You Autocorrect. Now suppose the imaginative young man with too much time on his hands got to thinking:
“What if all the famous authors, poets, artists, philosophers, and great leaders of history had to use a smart phone to type their inspiring quotes? Would their quotes sound any less smart? Would they be any less inspiring? What would the quotes read like if these great historical figures had to put down their pen and paper, and use the same means of communication that we use today – texting, tweeting, emailing, and other forms of social media? What if the famous quotes were subject to autocorrect?”
Suppose the young man’s thoughts were to materialize. I suppose you would get something like this. Ten famous quotes given the autocorrect treatment.
My God. What have we done. Modern devices and social media are destroying our love shaft. Our language! Destroying r language!
What are some of your favorite famous quotes? Leave them in the comments section below (140 characters or less, JK). I’m a big fan of paying homage to the greats and I would love to hear them if you wouldn’t mind sharing. Much obliged.
The Dimwit Diary 
Lol! This was hilarious! My favorite was the mother Theresa quote ” You can feed a pit bull too” LOL.
You already have two of my favorite people up there. Here are two of my favorite sayings from them
1) No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent- Eleanor Roosevelt
2) An Eye for an Eye Will Make the Whole World Blind- Gandhi
Ha, thanks! Glad you got a laugh. It was a fun post to make. Great quotes. Thank you for sharing. I don’t necessarily keep a list, but found these to be pretty cool when I was researching quotes:
1. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. – Oscar Wilde
2. I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. – J. D. Salinger
3. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
And perhaps a quote that the self-proclaimed Captain of the Dimwits should keep in mind for the future:
4. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. – Mark Twain
It’s much easier to unsnadtred when you put it that way!
This had me rolling over laughing! I love the Mark Twain quote! And, always, always Mother Theresa (the pit bulls was SO funny)!
Thank you for beginning my day with a smile!
You’re welcome, Mother. It’s always good to begin the day with a smile (or a shot of whiskey depending on the kind of day one is having.) I love the Mark Twain quote as well. Very poignant. He’s a wordsmith, that Twain.
These cracked me up. I cry-laughed.
You know what they say…cry-laughing is the best medicine. Thanks for the comment Paula!
LMAO!!! Thanks for the laugh and for stopping by my blog. :-)
Anytime! :)
I am sitting at my desk at work, laughing so hard I have tears coming out of my eyes!! This was the best shit I’ve read in a long time!!
LMFBAO – laughing my fat bottom ass off. Thanks so much for the kind remarks and for the reblog! You’re the bestest.
You’re quite welcome!! It is going to be my new go-to whenever I feel the need to LMFBAO!! By the way. . .can I steal the LMFBAO, because it’s perfect!!
Buttttt of course!
Reblogged this on Fat Bottom Girl Said What and commented:
Because everyone needs a good gut-buster laugh on a daily basis, I am reblogging this! Tears running down the face, pee running down my leg, all thanks to the Dimwit Diary and the damn autocorrect!!
You are frikking AWESOME! This is genius…my manservant is a genius. I am so lucky! :)
Does that mean I get to skip taking the trash out and doing the dishes??? Ah, whatever. Anything for you. <3
Growing up on a farm, I literally had goat nads thrust upon me. Not cool. But this post totally was. Still laughing about it. Still crying about the nads experience too, but mostly laughing now thanks to you.
Ha! Too funny Ned (sorry about the goat nad thrusts, though. Ouch.) Perhaps Shakespeare grew up on a farm as well? Thanks for the comment kind sir.
Haha! Thanks for the laugh. Brilliant stuff. I would totally buy the Shakespeare as a t-shirt. And I’m thinking the Mother Theresa would sell well at the church bazaar…
I di’ndt know where to find this info then kaboom it was here.
Some Mancakes gal said I should check your blog out because she likey likey. Your use of historical figure quotes makes me wonder if you’re too intelligent for me though…lol.
Mancakes, huh? Never heard of her.
All I can say is this, Don. I’m drunk on Franzia boxed wine right now. It’s only like 8:24 PM EST. Granted, that’s not as dimwitted as if it was 8:24 *AM* EST, but still. I’m a dimwit. Only dimwits get drunk on boxed wine. Maybe you need further convincing.
As far as the historical quotes…don’t be fooled. I’m assuming you have a Facebook. And how many of your dipshitted friends have shared famous inspirational quotes and you’re like, huh? I thought that person was illiterate. How they gonna post a famous quote by Albert Einstein??? Exactly.
Anyway, a friend of Mancakes (whoever the hell that is) is a friend of mine. Gonna go check your stuff out. Cheers mate.
Ha, Franzia! That might be worse than the Bud Light Lime I get unmercifully ridiculed for drinking all the time! Well, maybe not. It is wine after all, and wine is always classy. Good for you, sir! It’s noon somewhere.
Whatever Volunteer Manslave, now you wanna play blogger possum, faking like you and I don’t have this major commitment to each other for the past two days? Prepare for a 50 Shades of Grey punishment. (Bonk chicka mow mow). ;)
I accept your threat of bonk chicka mow mow, and raise you one….uh….you know. Thingie. <3
Now how am I supposed to write a scathing post when I’m thinking about your thingie. Stop that.
Thanks for your comments, James. I apactripee them.I agree that some restrictions have to be dropped in a “self-serve” system or that the system just wouldn’t work. But putting a limit on the number of items that a single patron can check out doesn’t seem to me to be the kind of restriction that would cause the system to bog down.As a library patron, I would apactripee the fact that more items were on the shelf when I was looking for them more than the fact that some of my fellow patrons had 200 items sitting at home. Realistically, there is just no reason for patrons to have more than a dozen or so items at one time, especially when so many of them are slow to return the items.Your system may have been burned by only one thief, but that one thief hit you with a huge loss in monetary terms and in the number of items lost. I just can’t see that you have justified the risk by the fact that you were only hit one time.As for catching him, the article makes it sound as if that was pure chance and that he was caught by someone reporting his eBay activity. Was he caught by anything that the library did on its own?
What a pleasure to find someone who identifies the issues so clearly
It’s a pleasure to find someone who can think so clearly
Tip top stuff. I’ll expect more now.
a wonderfully witty and entertaining post; I respect the amount of thought and work you’ve put into this
Hey, thanks! Appreciate the kind words.
Holy hell almighty!! I literally, LITERALLY laughed myself almost to unconsciousness reading these. Too….damned….. FUNNY!
(I genuflect to your genius…………………….)
Breathe Michael! I know it’s in poor taste for a comic to laugh at their own jokes, but I must say that I had a few laughing fits myself while putting these together.
Thanks for the feedback! And loving the Hunter S. Thompson quote below. I’ve never given him a read. Think you’ve just inspired me. Cheers.
Oh yeah, my favorite quote:
“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” (Hunter S. Thompson)
People noalrlmy pay me for this and you are giving it away!
Pingback: Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes | fumblephrase
Since I don’t have an iphone or whatever, I guess I’ll never have a famous quote. But thanks for visiting Paper, Mud and Me and I’m glad you liked “Give Me a Break” even though there isn’t one famous quote in it.
Later – Aloha.
Haha, thanks for the laugh Paul. I held off on getting one of those devil phones for as long as possible. But now that I have one, I have been writing inspiring quotes like crazy! You might reconsider. Thanks for the comment and mahalo.
Thanks for…..Oh Hell!!
I just snorted coffee all over my keyboard….I hope you’re happy. (This is what I get for trying to read and type at the same time.)
PS. My favorite quote is RTFM. I’m not sure who said it first, maybe Scotty off camera, but it usually works for me.
Absolutely great post.
Sorry about the keyboard! But I am happy you got a good laugh. And thanks for the quote. I had to look up what RTFM meant. HA! I musta missed that book on the readers club. Thanks for the kind remarks.
Thanks for the giggles! And for visiting my blog! :)
Quote contribution:
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. – Max Ehrmann
(Man, that quote is a perfect target. I could lolcat that thing to hell. [And it’s my favorite!])
You’re quite welcome. Thank you for the quote. Very true and inspiring. I’m totally gonna do a Round 2 and butcher it to pieces. Thanks for stopping by!
Lmao!! This made me fall out off bed! Brilliant. :)
I hope your floor is carpeted! Thanks for the comment. I usually get dimwit, but I’ll take brilliant. Cheers!
These are hilarious! I absolutely adore them! You just made my day. Thank you so much for liking my post today and allowing me the chance to visit your page and truly LOL! Wonderful!!!! Maggie
LOLing is the best medicine, isn’t it? I’m always thankful when others can give me a good LOL. I’m happy to return the favor when I can. Thanks for reading and for the comment Maggie. Cheers.
Yes it certainly is Chris. You asked for some favourite quotes… would love to see what you come up with for ‘Be the change you want to see in the world’ Gandhi of course and ‘Fear is man’s chief enslaver and pride his greatest weakness. Charlie ‘Snoop’ Schultz ;)
This is great! Thanks for making my day!!
Thank you for making mine as well :)
May I steal Shakespeare to display at Heart with all credit coming back to your blog?
Yes, of course! You’re a dear for even asking, and a credit would be much appreciated. Thank you, and I’ll have to check out Heart < 3
That is BRILLIANT. Absolutely despise auto-correct. So glad to see others do, too!
Thxks! I mean, thanks! Yes, auto-correct is the worst. Thanks for reading!
Thanks for dropping by my blog…been leafing through some of your past posts. Some really good stuff you have going.
Hey, thanks for the leafing and the nice comment! I’ll have to stop by your blog again and check it out some more. Feel free to do the same here. Cheers.
This is inspired! You should make this a regular series. Thank you for sharing this and for dropping by my blog.
Thanks for the kind words! Yes, I have been toying around with some more, and I agree. This needs revisited. Glad you liked it.
Oh, thank God i’m not the only one appalled by sit-down chcokeut clerks. And I know the stoner clerks well I’m convinced that there is a stoned, labor-law dodging 10-year-old working at my local ScotMid.In Australia, do they bag the groceries for you? That’s one thing I really miss from the States.
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I just can’t stop myself from returning here to laugh at these again and again. Great post my friend! :D
Thanks! Strangely, I keep revisiting as well. It’s rather addicting. I’m working on some more of these, see what other great minds that I can give a little dimwit twist. Hope you’ll come back for another visit sometime. Cheers.
You are so very welcome. I’m looking forward to see what you come up with!
Pingback: When Autocorrect Goes Awry! | I Want Ice Water
Omg! This is gr8!!!
Thanks Andi! Cheers to you. Never saw that spelling of Andi before, and I think it’s cool. Just thought you should know. Take care…
So true ….LOL
AHHHHHH texting is the wrist! the WORST! But I suppose we’re all stuck with it now, so might as well have a little fun. Thanks for reading.
“What would the quotes read like if these great historical figures had to put down their pen and paper…”
What I find funny about this is if the young people had to put down their phones and use pen and paper they still would not be able to spell or string an even remotely grammatically correct sentence together.
How true! I have friends that are high school English teachers, and I don’t envy them. Of course they could have a hay day (hayday? heyday?) editing my material as well. Oh, well. I’m a dimwit so I’m allowed to have poor grammar. Thanks for reading and the comment Libby. Cheers.
It’s not too much of a stretch to think Oscar Wilde did say that.
Yes! The name suits him well. He’s a Wilde one all right.
Absolutely brilliant and just the depth of laughter I needed on a dismal morning. My favourite is this one from dear Uncle Albert – play as you will with it.
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
Einstein
Nice! Sorry, I’m a little behind with replies, but I like this quote. Think I’ll give it a little twist for the next series…Thanks for the quote and the comment. Cheers.
THanks for stopping by my blog. I laughed out loud at yours. Laughter is so healing. And I love your blog name! Looking forward to reading more. nancy
Thanks Nancy! Always nice to meet another fellow warped mind with an appreciation for humor. Keep laughing and thanks for reading. :)
The Mother Theresa one is my favorite !
It’s a good one! I”m not sure, I think I like the Mark Twain one best. Anyway, thanks for reading and hopefully I’ll do another series of these soon. Cheers.
The Shakespeare ones are classic!
Ha, yes! Glad you thought so. I’m working on some more, but might go kind on Shakespeare this next round since he got a double serving this go around. Anyway, thanks for the comment. Cheers.
But they were the best ones! Anyway, all the best with the new ones :)
haha very funny, you clearly have too much time :P
WAYYYYYYY tooooooo much time. I feel bad for anyone reading with all the spare time on my hands. It’s going to get pretty strange around here, so hopefully you’ll come back and visit again. Glad you had a laugh and cheers to you…
Very clever. Nicely done. Or maybe nightly.
Thanks! The Captain salutes you and your reader and commentship (where’s spellcheck when you need it.) Cheers.
Reblogged this on poetryandcollegeinnowhereland and commented:
suppose I wrote a blog about poetry and everything else in my life because I thought I was important:)
Thanks for the reblog! Very cool of you to do. I’m working on some more and hopefully I’ll be posting sometime soon. Cheers.
They is nothings to feast but felt itself.
In the vegetarian, Blog creative the heavy and the ears… and Blog sawyer than it wad goods. And Blog restate on the severe day.
I thin, therefore I’m ample.
If at first-aid you don’t succeeds, try trying again.
If hav burst ooze use doom knot duck seed, thrive, thrive and hen.
If art firs dew dome…
It had purpose done …
Odate…
Ifaat…
If…
I…
Aught!!!
Aughmmm
Soiree!!
Aider!!
Help!!!
Oh Craig
Oh crappies!!!
This is nutbuggling!!!
HAHAHAHA! I’m just going through old comments and replying and came across your madness. Thanks. Pretty cool discovery to make at 4:38 AM on a lovely Monday morning. Might have to steal some and make up a new batch. Cheers .
Hay fiend!
Uh
hey friendly word messier upper,
I am the syntaxsinner’s love child
I approve of this misdeedery
This fouling uppance of verbiage
I do not forgive it.
I celebrate
Love it
And I put my phone BACK on stinking auto
Correct.
Now I turned that ouija keyboard off
Nasty!!!
Funny, funny stuff!!! Keep entertaining us. You could be the next Sedaris.
Oh wow! That’s some heavy shoes to fill. Well, hopefully I have more hits than misses, and hopefully you’ll stick around to find out. Thanks so much for the comment. Cheers.
I was flipping a coin trying to decide whether to read your post or watch an episode of The Office during my lunch break. I fear I will have to fare them well and bid the crew adieu. You win. Now I may never know if Jim and Pam get married, but scouring the pages of your diary is proving to be a whopper of a substitute.
Feebleminded you are not. Canny and clever are closer.
Hey thanks! Just going through old comments and replying. So by now you’ve probably had a chance to get all caught up on The Office. They get married!!! Whoops, sorry if I’ve spoiled anything. I am spoiled rotten sometimes. Thanks for reading this mad diary of mine. Cheers.
So humorous, witty, and funny! Oh yeah, and creative. Don’t forget creative. And a great big thank you for liking my post ‘Visiting Planet Earth’. Much appreciated.
Hey thanks! Those are all great adjectives. I’m sure I could mess ’em up somehow with the autocorrect treatment somehow. Thanks for reading.
Oh my gosh! These are freaking fantastic!!
Thanks! Left ya a nice comment on your About Me page (at least I think it’s nice; sorry for the Roseanne dig, however.)
So true…and so funny.
I know right??! Well, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I’ve been known to leave some rather comical texts myself. Thanks for reading.
The voice of ratyonaliti! Good to hear from you.
Very amusing and yes, I hate auto connect – I mean correct !! :)
Ha! Good one Kim. Love your wit. I think I may take another crack at these sometime soon. It was fun to put together. Cheers.
Hysterical. They’re probably all rolling over in their graves right now, but that would be from laughter.
True! Especially Twain, I think. He seemed pretty ornery, so he mighta got a kick out of it. Thanks for reading.