2012 Mayan Edition Wall Calendar

Well, you dimwits asked for it, so fine.  You’re the bosses.  Here’s a wall calendar featuring twelve, hot and sexy poses of your’s truly.  Make sure you ladies and gay gentlemen are sitting down.  I can’t be held responsible for any sudden heart attacks.

I created the wall calendar back in 2012 when I thought the world was going to end.  The theme of the calendar centers around death and destruction, but it turns out the Mayans suck at math just the same as me.  The world was spared from doom.  What a bunch of losers.  They must have had a similar Algebra teacher as me in high school.  Mr. Glessner was cool and all, but he was also always hungover.  Loud noises and teaching math gave him a headache, so we usually just played paper football during class instead.  It’s no wonder I’m a total dimwit.  That’s your tax dollars hard at work.

The wall calendar took me an entire week to Photoshop at 12 hour days.  I probably spent close to 80 hours making the damn thing.  Halfway through creating it, I wondered if this would be one of those times when I’m laying on my deathbed, reflecting back on my long and lustrous life, that I would wish I had that week back.  Wishing that my life would have been different.

Yeah, probably.  But too late.  Here you go, you dimwits.  Perhaps I’ll create a new wall calendar for next year in time for the holidays, and you can give it as a nice gift to yourself or your significant others.  Wouldn’t that be something.  It surely would.

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume Two

Before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post all of my madness.  The other outlet was this little social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.

I’m no longer on Facebook, with the exception of staying connected with just my family.  It’s maybe better that way.  Alcohol, late nights, and Facebook do not mix well together.  I proved that correct on one too many occasions, so I finally decided to pull the plug.  But before I pulled the plug, I collected some of the highlights throughout the years.

The following are some Facebook exchanges between my mother and I involving unicorns, birthdays, and such.  Facebook odds & ends, volume two.

*   *   *

Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes – Volume Three

Suppose a young man with a wild imagination and too much time on his hands went to a greasy spoon diner one evening at 3 AM.   Suppose the same young man grew tired of all the belligerent drunks and lot lizards that usually frequent a greasy spoon diner late at night, so he began to surf the interwebs on his smart phone to occupy his time until his gyro omelette and rye toast were ready to be served.

Suppose that while killing time surfing the interwebs, the young man came across some famous quotes and later stumbled upon the humorous website, Damn You Autocorrect.  Now suppose the imaginative young man with too much time on his hands got to thinking:

“What if all the famous authors, poets, artists, philosophers, and great leaders of history had to use a smart phone to type their inspiring quotes?  Would their quotes sound any less smart?  Would they be any less inspiring?  What would the quotes read like if these great historical figures had to put down their pen and paper, and use the same means of communication that we use today – texting, tweeting, emailing, and other forms of social media?  What if the famous quotes were subject to autocorrect?”

Suppose the young man’s thoughts were to materialize.  I suppose you would get something like this.  Ten famous quotes given the autocorrect treatment, volume three.

*   *   *

*   *   *

My God.   What have we done.  Modern devices and social media are destroying our love shaft.  Our language!  Destroying r language!  For volumes one and two, click the links below.

Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes – Volume One 
Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes – Volume Two

Chris Hinton’s Life Book – Chapter Two

It’s Memorial Day.  I should be out eating a juicy hamburger off the grill or relaxing by a river somewhere, which I still might end up doing depending on where the day leads me, but I had to get chapter 2 of my life book written up for my future adopted son.  Share a few things that were on the Dimwit’s mind while things are nice and quiet.

For those that haven’t read chapter one yet, my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child.  The adoption agency asked her to put together a life book, which is essentially an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).

Since my former room mate is a single, she asked me if I would spend some time with the little tike to fill in the role as a male figure whenever I’m available.  Of course I agreed to this arrangement.  Even though it wasn’t required, I went ahead and started putting together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well.  This one’s for you, Junior, from your soon-to-be new daddy!

Here’s your Pops hanging out at the Moose Lodge with his favorite local wrestler, the Latin Assassin!  Son of a gun just finished up a tough match fighting his arch nemesis, the Drunken Luchador, but he came out victorious in the end.  I met up with him after the match and he let me wear his champion belt and everything!

I can’t wait to take you to the Moose Lodge so you can meet him for yourself.   Hope you aren’t squeamish of a little blood and don’t mind watching guys bash each other’s heads with metal chairs.  It can get a little rough from time to time, but it makes for an entertaining evening.

Check it out, Junior!!  It’s some of your crazy aunts and your Gram hanging out with your Dad!  The family was going through a rough spell at the time, so I took the ladies out to get a manicure to get their minds off of things – treat them nice and spoil them rotten.

I’m gonna teach you how to treat a lady and how to rally around the family when times are tough.  Family and friends are the most important thing you’ve got in life.  I’m gonna take good care of you too, so don’t worry.  Maybe we’ll even take the gals out for a manicure again sometime and both get our nails painted just like daddy’s nails below!!!

The pink breast cancer awareness ribbon turned out pretty nice, huh?

Get used to seeing this face, son!!!  Sorry it’s covered up by the big umbrella.  Daddy took a crappy photo, but I wanted to introduce you to my best friend, Greg.  Like I was saying, family and friends are the most important thing in life.  This guy helped Pops get through some tough times and vice versa.  We hang out a good bit, so you’ll probably run into him at some point down the road.

Greg or Mom will probably have to teach you the real manly man stuff.  I’m not much into things like guns and punching people in the face, but here’s me with this really rich guy I met.  He invited me to go on a quail hunting expedition!!

I met him on one of the movies I was working on.  We just sorta connected.  He’s into pointer dogs and quail hunting so he asked daddy if I’d like to tag along one afternoon.  I couldn’t pass up on that one!!!  Life is short son, so see as much of the world as you can, even if you might not like wearing funny orange hats and shooting quail with shotguns.

This is more your daddy’s speed.  Playing the piano blindfolded!  I quit taking piano lessons back when I was 11 or 12, when one of your uncles started calling me Liberace.  Brothers can be mean to one another sometimes.  What I didn’t know later in life was that the ladies go nuts over a piano player!!!  Keep that one in mind for the future.

I had a real good drunken night with one of the actresses on a film I was working on several years ago.  Played the piano with her up on the 17th floor of the hotel she was staying at, until the hotel staff came up to tell us to be quiet because some of the hotel guests were complaining that we were being too loud at 3 AM!!!  Phooey on them.

I shoulda stuck with it more, but I can still get around a piano pretty good.  I’ll teach you how to play sometime.  Playing an instrument is a lot of fun.  Everyone should at least try it.

Here’s your daddy reading a book to a few of your cousins.  I like reading children’s books.  I’ll read some to you, but I’ll just warn you ahead of time.  I don’t like to stick to the words in a book and I make up my own stories.  They can get pretty wild –  stories of kids getting trapped in a well or something like that – but I try to give them a happy ending so the kids don’t stay up all night with nightmares.  I think you’ll like daddy’s stories.  Your cousins seem to enjoy them.

Here’s your daddy at a Pirates game!!!  The Pirates stink.  They’re the most miserable team in all of baseball, but it’s still a nice ballpark to hang out at for a few hours.  Sometimes I’ll get all dressed up for the game wearing yellow outfits or I’ll dress up like a pirate.  I don’t really get into baseball all that much, but it’s fun to just sit around with thousands of other people, get a little tipsy, cheer for the home team, and take in the tastes, sights and sounds of the ballpark.  I’ll take you sometime but you can’t drink any beer with me until you’re of age.  Mom would kill me!!!

I saved this one for last, Junior.  It’s another important one.  This nice black gentleman isn’t one of your cousins or your uncles.  He’s a homeless person.  Your daddy likes to walk around the streets at night sometimes and take photos of the city.  I end up running into homeless people a lot just because of the dark alleys and the dark places I visit when I’m roaming the streets.

I ran into this nice guy and a few other homeless people a few years back.  There was a barbecue festival going on not far from the bench where I met them.  You could smell the ribs and all the food wafting through the air, so I told the others to sit tight.  Took the black guy with me.  I took him to the barbecue festival and told him pick out whatever food him and his buddies wanted.  PILES OF FOOD.  Ribs, corn on the cob, steak, potatoes.  You name it!!!  We loaded them up into containers and we took the food back to the other homeless people sitting on the bench.

Shoulda seen their faces light up like a full moon on that night!!!  I like to do things like that.  Some people say things to your Dad like, “You’re a bad person.”  “You drink and carry on too much.”  “You’re going to hell.”  But I don’t listen to them for the most part.  They don’t know the places that I’ve been just the same as they don’t know the place that I’m going when I die.  Those people who like to point fingers are called hypocrites.  When you encounter a hypocrite, you listen to them politely and just smile and shake your head.  Don’t mouth off too much unless they continue to challenge you, then you can answer them however you see fit.  Most the times they shut up when they meet a person who has a lot of knowledge and can challenge them right back.

I’m gonna teach you how to be a good person, son.  I might even take you sometime when daddy goes and feeds the homeless.  I gotta wait until you’re older, cause it’s dangerous traveling dark alleys at night by yourself.  I gotta wait until you can run fast, because one night, your daddy might get himself into deep trouble with the homeless folks.  He might get hurt and need you to run off to get him some help.  Don’t tell Mom this one, either.  I don’t want her worrying about me and you, but I gotta teach you about all the parts of life.  The pretty and the gritty, so that one day you have a shot at turning out to be a nice young man.  We’ll ease into it.  You’re still a kid, so I want to give you a chance to stay that way for a while.  These are things we’ll revisit when the time is right.

All right, son.  I’ll send you more photos and stories down the road so you can get to know more about your Dad.  I have a bunch of them.  I’ve been to a lot of places, some good and some bad.  Right now I’m headed to a secret spot of mine by the river to sit and relax.  One day I’ll take you there, too.   It’s peaceful and nobody’s around to point fingers.

2,000 Followers – A Thank You

Woooo doggie!  Alert the presses and fire up the ticker tape parade!  The Dimwit has gone and done it.  2,000 followers.  2,000 real genuine, funny, thoughtful, kind, and incredibly beautiful ding dong dingalings.  Nice.

We haven’t officially met, but I can confidently say that I love you all.   What a crew of misfits we’ve managed to put together that really seem to get this strange and precious thing we call life, and what a life it’s been for the Dimwit these past few months.

I attended a wedding last night.  It was something.  Two of my friends from the film industry got hitched, and well, a film industry wedding is very much like what you’d expect.  Lots of creative types, colorful outfits, beautiful decorations, open-minded sentiments being shared, gay couples, straight couples, lots of love, an open bar, plenty of dancing, and the Dimwit right in the middle of it all, just having a ball and making plenty of embarrassing moments to regret the following day.  Thank goodness I passed out in my wedding clothes face down on my bed before I left too many Facebook messages and sent out too many texts.  I sent one to this really pretty girl that told me I smelled nice and I’m pretty sure that I blew it.  That’s the way it goes.

I was talking to one of my friends last night before I took one to many visits to the open bar.  I was telling her a little bit about my blog.  What an awfully lame thing to talk about at a wedding, but here’s the thing.  It was just nice to have a discussion with other creative people about writing and art, and all that sort of stuff.

I’ve been holed up in my apartment for a while and haven’t been doing a lot of socializing lately.  It’s been a little tough on me, because I’m a normally a fairly sociable guy.  But that’s just the way it’s gotta be when I do writing.  I can’t have distractions and a million people texting and calling me to come over to eat perogies for dinner.  Sorry, but the Dimwits gone mad and he’s busy writing Photoshop tutorials.   Hope you understand, but you probably won’t, but you’ll just have to get over it anyways.

So I was sharing with my friend a little about my writing process.  It’s really crazy.  My apartment looks like a bomb went off.  Empty cartons of Franzia boxed wine on the floor, stacks of clothes piled to the ceiling from two months of neglecting laundry, papers and unopened mail strewn all over the place, garbage overflowing, stacks of photo albums taking up half my bed, piles of dirty dishes, ect, ect, ect.  If anyone saw it, they’d surely know that a madman lives there, and they would probably slowly back away.  It’s a sight to behold, but that’s just how I write.  I let everything else go for a few weeks or a few months, and I let myself go truly mad.

I’m back to work now on a TV pilot, so the madness has come to an end pretty much.  I’ve got to be presentable.  My job requires me to deal a lot with the public and I’m the face of the company.  I meet with the police, borough officials, business owners, principals, pastors, real estate agents, and I have to knock on strangers’ doors to ask if we can use their house for filming.  I can’t be a total madman out in the public!  So I’ve pulled it together, cleaned up my apartment, did the dishes, washed 8 loads of laundry, and now I’m back to mixing it up and meeting all kinds of folks along the way while I’m out scouting for locations.  What a life indeed.

Well, anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to lately.  Super busy, but not too busy to offer up a thank you to my fellow dimwits.  I really appreciate reading all your comments, all the likes, shares, reblogs, and such.  It means a lot to me.  But once again, a simple thank you isn’t quite enough to show my appreciation.  So how’s about an autographed photo of the Dimwit out on a nice picnic with Jennifer Love Hewitt, laying on the blanket next to one another, doing a little nuzzling while staring away at the puffy clouds.

Sending my love to all of you wonderful guys and gals.  Thanks dimwits.  You’re the best.  

So I promised  some shout outs for this next round.  A promise is a promise is a promise, and I try to make good on my promises.  So here you go.  Here’s some other sites that you dimwits should check out.

1.  Parallel Universe –  It’s my friend Debz!  Besides being super cute and being a delightful soul, she’s also a great writer.  She writes these awesome poems and I’m jealous.  If you’re not a poetry person, fret not.  She also has reviews, excerpts from her book, and a variety of other postings.  Debz would love to have you around, I’m sure.   So go check out her blog please.

2.  Sound Hippy – I’m a music lover.  Can’t get enough of it, so I wanted to give some love for my musician friend, Becky.  She has a video of this really great cover she did of a Nick Drake song, but her originals are freaking sweet too.  So go give Becky’s music a listen and offer to buy her a granola bar or something.  Isn’t that what you hippies eat??  It’s gotta be better than the peanut butter & jelly sandwiches that I lived on the past few months.  Jeez Louise.  It’s good to be working again.

3.  25 To Fly –  Imagine the odds?  Here’s another rock star with the name Becca.  She’s a redheaded twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned business student with a mean set of drums.  Tell me if that isn’t a lethal combination of skills and traits!  Her blog is good for a lot of laughs for sure.   Leave it to those fiery redheads to stir up some trouble.  In the good way, of course.

Well, like I said, I’m super busy but I plan to keep writing and posting whenever I can, when I’m not out mixing it up, making a fool of myself to pretty girls and eating pierogi dinners with these sweet, old ladies that seem to take a liking to the Dimwit.  Perks of the job.  I meet all these nice people when I’m out scouting locations and I get fed well.  I’m about to gain 30 pounds in the next few months.  It’s gonna be awesome just like you dimwits.  Thanks again.