A Letter To My Mother – Free Spirit & Wieners

April 20, 2013
Saturday, 1:31 PM

771 Dimwits and counting…


I didn’t know which of the 16 email accounts of yours to send this to, so I decided to post it here.   Hopefully it finds you, and hopefully it’s during a time when you just got back in from the warm sunshine and time spent admiring your flowers that you enjoy more than anything.

750 new followers in just over a week.  This is crazy, huh?  I’ve got wives reading my stories to husbands, and mothers reading my stories to daughters.  Stories about wieners and Sally Jessy Ralphael’s feathered hair.  Can you believe it?  It’s wild.  I don’t know what’s happening, but of course what’s new. I never know what’s happening, and that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

You know how your free spirited, kind hearted, adventurous, and yes, your rather mischievous son of yours just seems to go along with life.  It’s gotten me this far, so there’s no use in changing it now.  Well, remember that time you and Dad sat me down right after I graduated college?  You might not remember it, but I do.  It was in the living room, and it was quiet.  If I didn’t know any better, it might’ve been my own funeral that I was attending.

You and Dad wore somber, stern faces.  You told me to sit down, so I did.  On the couch directly across the room, not far away from your somber, stern faces.  I had an idea of what was coming, some sort of boring lecture with me having to say a lot of uh-huhs in between.  I’ve gotten my fair share of lectures from you, and from others, so I kinda get a sense of when they’re coming.

It was a lecture all right.  I know you meant well, and I’m not here to put you down or anything like that.  Mothers do the best they can – well hopefully.  The good ones do anyways, and you’re a good one.   But here’s what you told me.  You and Dad told me to cage my free spirit.  You didn’t say those words exactly, but what you meant was to put my free spirit inside a box, and put him up in the attic with all the other dusty toys.  I was to be a man now.  Stop playing games and get some direction in life.   Some goals, a job, a career, maybe a wife, some kids, and all that other sorta stuff.

Well, I didn’t want to be a man.  From all I saw at the time, being a man meant cheating husbands, divorced dads, drunks, liars, punchers, spitters, and those that like to give lectures about how I’m to play life by the rules, and become a man.

I was 21.  I knew more about being a man than the asshole telling me I had better be a man, after I knew flat out that he had just beat his wife senseless a few nights ago.  My friend told me.  He was in tears.  And now that man had the gull to tell me I had better become a man.  Well, I had the gull to shut my mouth and say “uh-huh.”  I knew more about being a man than him, and sometimes as a man you gotta know when to shut your mouth and say uh-huh, because it’s not worth the fight at the time.  There are other ways to go about winning a fight without shouting, and cursing, and more fighting.  So I left it at that:  Uh-huh.

I guess this is my usual, long-winded, rambling just to tell you this, and then to follow it up with a little more rambling to wrap things up.  I never put that free spirit in a cage.  I never boxed him up.  I kept him free, and I guess that’s why people like my stories about wieners and Franzia boxed wine, and all that other stuff.

They’re free spirits too.  They’re dimwits.  There’s a whole mess of us out there, and they enjoy someone who can spin a good tale, tell a whopper of a story filled with craziness and madness, but also full of love and hope.  Those are the two most important ingredients to a story, because without love and hope, you might as well just read from the dictionary.  The thing with telling a good story is you gotta have a free spirit to be able to tell it, so that’s why I kept him free.  That and it just never made all that much sense to me why anyone should keep anything in a cage.

Thanks for being a good mom.  I usually never tell you that, maybe even never.  Probably because I’m too busy telling tall tales instead, but I was just thinking it’s probably nice and important for a mother to hear that from her son.  It’s a lot of hard work raising kids.  Not a lot of credit, late nights, no sleep, and lousy sons who make you cry when they send you letters.

I know you’re crying right now.  Just like when I can sense a lecture, I can usually sense when someone’s gonna cry, too.  I can sense a lot of things.  Some say it’s a gift, but sometimes it’s a curse too.  It can take a lot out of you with all the sensing going on all the time, and no way to turn it off.  Rather than whine about a gift that others would kill to have, it feels nice to make good use of it finally.  Wieners!  HA.

So stay tuned.  Your son is going places that only a free spirit can lead a person, and he’s taking a TON of dimwits along with him!  It’s going to be a fun ride.  It will be interesting at the very least.


Your son.  The dimmest of all the dimwits.  The dunce.  The doofus.


PS.  Sorry to include this photo of you with a scrunchy face, that looks like you just caught a whiff of a dog turd, but you didn’t really think the Dimwit was gonna end without a good laugh, did you?  Toodles.

The Dimwits Mom

84 thoughts on “A Letter To My Mother – Free Spirit & Wieners

      • All I know is this: I have been put in a position that required me to conform to someone that I didn’t recognize anymore – eventually I found myself again and from that point – forever more – I have decided that if you don’t love me or like me the way I organically am? I’m 100% fine with that. I never looked back and let me tell ya, there is a confidence that’s been built that ill never ever compromise away again. :)

        I realize I sorta went off the deep end there, but I’m just really passionate about letting your freak flag fly…

        • No argument there! You appear a little young for a lot of historical social interaction, but you can type so I’ll take your word for it. Cheers! Note however… caging yourself is all about a freaky flag. Just sayin’

      • HA! Mike, nice one. Yes, I suppose there are special cases one could argue for a cage. Like my dirty, foul mouth sometimes. Perhaps the cage my parents were after for me, but I’ve managed to break free. Sorry in advance. And also, you’re welcome. Thanks for reading!

        • so the secret to a food nrteowk show is tits and a smile? forget that, yeah its alright, but I change the channel. granted, my favorite show is chopped, but DDD is not as unbareable as you make it sound. chillthefuckout.

      • Oh snap! Right now I’m in a bar watching “Drunkeroke”. A girl is fucking up the song “Redneck Woman”. My ears are practically bleeding. A surprise or the promise of one is the only thing keeping me from stabbing myself in the heart with a butter knife. Please hurry.

    • She’s pretty serious about those Zinnias or whatever. Think she’d like to trade me in for some tulips or daisies if she had a choice, but guess she’s stuck with me. Life can be cruel sometimes ;) Thanks for the comment.

  1. beautiful, you dullard. i don’t think a cage exists in which you could fit. keep it coming– your words fill me in a way that few things can. i am totally along for the ride with you.

    • Awsomesauce! That’s a pretty filling word, huh? Well your comment filled me with lots of joy, and even though it’s a tiny word, it’s got a mighty meaning behind it. So thanks. And dullard, nice. Woulda been a nice one for the closing, but I’ll keep in mind for the future.

  2. You know sometimes when I’m at work ( part time retail job) I feel a piece of my soul break off and fall into a dark abysmal abyss. Then i come home and tackle the fiancee and hug my dog and log onto my blog and I feel the pieces reconnect again. It’s hard being a free spirit, the world and “adult” responsibility make it hard to retain and nourish that spirit. But, in the end, the struggle is worth it. It’s who we are. Who we are meant to be.

  3. I just started following you. You liked something I did so I thought I’d give you a try too. I’m glad I did. This post made my day. Thanks. From another uncaged spirit that sometimes doubts her freedom.

    • Yes! Good to have you here, my doubting, yet unbound, uncaged lioness. It’s good to roam free. Thanks for signing up for the madness! Should be fun and unusual, and all those sorts of good, uncaged things. Let’s hope…

    • Thanks! Fitting, being that I work in the entertainment industry. What’s that Shakespeare saying?

      “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

      Yep, that’s it. That’s the one.

  4. Well, you’re right. Your mother did read this, and I’m kind of left speechless. I guess I went senile somewhere along the way of raising eleven kids because I don’t really remember much about the “cage lecture”, but if you say it’s so, then it is. Moms tend to do that, I guess.

    I’m proud of you — REAL proud of you — and I’m so very happy to see you flying! I guess I’ll chance saying it here — hopefully not to your embarrassment — but I pray every day for your happiness — countless times every day. You’re right — you are kindhearted and you can spin a good tale, and you’re bright, and witty, and intelligent and sometimes you drink far too much Franzia wine. But, you forgot to tell one important thing — you got it all from ME! :-)

    I love you, Chris, and your mama is so happy you’re flying!

    PS Out of all the pictures, I’m so glad you used the one of me in with the scrunched up face. Oh, well….a picture is worth a thousand (or maybe a million) words! Maybe your dimwit friends can see beyond the scrunch and see a bit of the heart, too.

    Keep flying………. I hope it’s going to be a wild and wonderful ride!

    PPS You’ll never guess what I bought today — Lilies of the Valley!!!!! (Land of Goshen, remember?) I will be planting them tomorrow!!!

    • I knew you’d like the picture above all the other musings! It’s a great shot. Think it shows off your good side. Well Lilies of the Valley, huh? Think we’ll have to dust off that screenplay one of these days soon and make a classic. But not before I finish this really awesome piece I’m writing – a response letter from the Baha Men written to John Stamos. Gotta tackle the important things first.

      Your son. The dimmest of all the dimwits. The dunce. The doofus. The dullard.

      (added that last one thanks to the dear reader, Mandy, above. Gotta cover all the bases, you know.)

      Thanks for being a good Mom. There, now I’ve said it twice just incase this post was the first time. < 3

  5. this is just so lovely! reminds me of a line in that movie “parenthood” – “You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.” – tod; you’re so right – there is so much more to being a man that just having a job, etc. so many don’t get it. i also just think it’s wonderful to give praise to your mom. we do so often take our loved ones for granted. it’s tragic really. i also sincerely applaud you for being true to yourself. these days so many sell out and cave to what they think is expected to them. i know at times i’ve thought to myself that i need to change because no one thinks like i do, no responds like i do, etc, but if i did that, i wouldn’t be me. :)

  6. dude…i’m crazy you’re dim but i bet i have more booboos than your broken nose. or it looks like someone hit it a few times. i find public writing is better, gets the gossip chains going and fun as frack to see where they land / out. freedom of speach …the one thing the internet does well.

    • HA! Love a chap that can spar, and make fun of another gent’s jacked up nose. You and I are gonna get along just fine. Have to head over your way to read some of your fun as frack musings. I love the internets. Keep it crazy and cool and free…

    • You got it! I can get a little ouchy sometimes when I write. Free and wild, but I’m really a field mouse roaming the hills, with a heart of a lion, and I generally mean well with my mousy, lion heart. Sometimes the truth stings a bit at first, but sometimes a sting is all right, and just what a person needs to wake ’em up a little. Thanks for the comment.

      • Yes I struggle with the same thing. I always try for tact and diplomacy but there are times when my honesty gets the better of me and I unwittingly sting someone- especially when I’m not at my best. I’m more like a small child, bounding around with a big heart full of love and prone to tantrums or teasy bits if I’m tired or troubled. Not everyone gets me and it used to bother me – it doesn’t anymore. I am the way I am. I know I can’t please everyone so I don’t try anymore. You learnt this lesson earlier in life than me though :-)

    • Just saw this comment, and hope you don’t mind me saying so again…but you’re a beauty – inside and out. Never hurts to give another compliment. I may have a few tricks up my sleeve for Mother’s Day….

  7. Your mom sounds pretty great. My mom once told me that if the bad kids ever offer me a stamp, that I should never, ever lick it. I guess not all parental lessons are going to be gems, but it’s nice how they still love you even when you don’t listen to them, or in my case, laugh at their crazy talk.

    • First off, let me start out by saying I like your mustache, Sarah. Secondly, thanks for the comment! Yes, we all do the best we can (at least the good ones), and not all advice we give is the best, but I give lots of credits to parents. I’m not one myself, by I do see the challenges but I’m told the rewards are well worth it. Cheers.

  8. Hi, Chris! I tried to respond to this beautifully written post on my phone yesterday, only to lose it in iPhone cyberspace. I can’t remember what I said and even if I did it wouldn’t come out the same. I loved this post. Your honesty and brilliance in telling the story knocked my red hunting hat right off my head.

    • Oh wow. Thanks! Sometimes you gotta put jokes aside, and on the occasion when I do, it’s a completely different kind of writing that grabs a hold of me. I like to do both, but this kind really knocks a lot out of me, so I try not to do it too much. And sorry it knocked your red hunting off your head. Hope it’s all right, that read hunting hat of yours. Really appreciate the feedback. It’s nice to hear, and gives me encouragement to keep at it, so thanks again.

  9. as i sit here, yet another day at my boring, drudgingly monotonous, suck-the-life-out-of-me job, it is always with great joy to read your hilarious ramblings! truly a bright spot you! ~ thank you

    • Oh wow! Just reading through my comments, and let me say it’s been a long week. I get possessed when I write…the good kind of possessed, I guess. I hardly sleep, I barely eat. Ocassionaly shower. And well…that’s just what a writer’s gotta do sometimes. It kinda takes over you and there’s not much you can do about it, but reading your comment gives me the courage to keep at it. Truly a bright spot to my long day! Thanks.

  10. This gave me goosebumps, and brought a little tear to my eye. I can only hope my son thinks so highly of me when he is older. I try hard not to cage his spirit, because the world is already constantly trying to let him know that he should cage it.

    P.S. I am a “senser” too, and it leads me to beer and bourbon some days. :)

    • You sound like a great Mom. All you can do is your best, and then it’s up to your son, but hopefully he’s got a lot of you in him, and things should work out fine. Keep kicking ass! And yes, being a senser is a burden….a bourbon for my burdens (could be a great country song if it’s not already.)


      • That’s sweet of you to say. . . you must want in my pants just like every other man!! hahaha Just kidding!! We’ll see if you think I am such a great mom after my next post. :( Parenting struggles!!

        I don’t think that particular country song exists yet, but I will be writing it soon!

  11. I had to comment here… I read your letter to your mother with tears in my eyes, and feeling laughter at the same time. Why? Because you sounded so much like my own son who is gone now… you made me miss him so much. He was always playing jokes on me… Gloria/Granny Gee

    • Aw, Gloria/Granny Gee, I’m so sorry to hear that. About your son. But glad to hear he was a dimwit. I’m good with words, but not very good with these kinds of words, so just gonna say sorry again. But if you see a piece of me in him, than I hope I can bring a smile and warm thoughts. Just don’t go grounding me! I do have a mischevious way about me. Thanks so much for the comment. Warm hugs to you…XO

      • Thank you… yes, for some reason you reminded me of my son. He was so special to me. He was also, mischievous, and so funny. I look forward to following your blog. Gloria/Granny Gee :))))

  12. I love this & you! I’m sure your momma is more than proud of you & never let anyone cage your spirit!! Life is short, so live it!! Unless you’re a psychopath, serial killer and they are about to write an episode of “Criminal Minds” about you. Then, it’s not good to be yourself. Get some help, turn yourself in or something….

  13. Reblogged this on Tales of Wild Boomba and commented:
    I love The Dimwit Diary blog and this post in particular really got to me. I think Chris is an incredibly talented and powerful writer, whether he’s being funny or, as in this case, a little more serious. He’s the real deal. I just had to share this because I can’t get it out of my head. I asked for permission, so it’s Kosher, and all.

  14. Okay, Mr. Dimwit. I think you’re quite brilliant. I used to work at Random House (too bad for us both that I no longer do and that it was 3 kids ago), but you need to start constructing a book proposal and sell this stuff to an agent. I’m reading over the oldies but goodies of your… There’s a reason you have 1,500 followers. You have a phenomenal voice. I’m glad you never caged your free spirit. It’s contagious, outrageous, and special. I see a lot of people slamming a copyright on pretty crappy stuff, but this is the stuff that should be copyrighted and sold! I hope you pursue. Forever a Dimwit fan.

    • Wow, thanks! That’s really nice to hear. You know, as a writer, you start to get these doubts. It’s hard to step outside of your writing and really get a sense of whether it’s ho-hum, pretty good, or worthy of being published. So I really appreciate hearing that from somebody other than my Mom or my brother :)

      I’ve been at it for about 10 years whenever I get some down time, and finally feel like I’m making progress. I have different voices that I experiment with just to try out some new things. This blog is mostly for practice, but it does seem to be connecting with a lot of people, so that’s been a nice surprise. This post is mostly the voice that I want to use when I sit down to write a more serious novel someday (hopefully soon.) It will be happy and sad, up and down, silly and heartfelt – kinda like how life is – all over the place. So we’ll see.

      Well, thanks for being a fan! This makes for a good Friday night for me, hearing your words. I’ve been cooped up in my apartment for the past 2 weeks. Late nights, early mornings, little sleep and just crazy, really. But that’s how I write. It’s usually all or nothing, pour it all out on the page (even if it is a silly letter by the Baha Men!) But tonight I’m going out with friends for dinner and a movie, and just gonna breath a little. It will be a fun night, so thanks for making it even better. Cheers.

  15. Pingback: 104th Commemorative Post | The Dimwit Diary

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