A Letter To My Mother – Free Spirit & Wieners

April 20, 2013
Saturday, 1:31 PM

771 Dimwits and counting…

Mother,

I didn’t know which of the 16 email accounts of yours to send this to, so I decided to post it here.   Hopefully it finds you, and hopefully it’s during a time when you just got back in from the warm sunshine and time spent admiring your flowers that you enjoy more than anything.

750 new followers in just over a week.  This is crazy, huh?  I’ve got wives reading my stories to husbands, and mothers reading my stories to daughters.  Stories about wieners and Sally Jessy Ralphael’s feathered hair.  Can you believe it?  It’s wild.  I don’t know what’s happening, but of course what’s new. I never know what’s happening, and that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

You know how your free spirited, kind hearted, adventurous, and yes, your rather mischievous son of yours just seems to go along with life.  It’s gotten me this far, so there’s no use in changing it now.  Well, remember that time you and Dad sat me down right after I graduated college?  You might not remember it, but I do.  It was in the living room, and it was quiet.  If I didn’t know any better, it might’ve been my own funeral that I was attending.

You and Dad wore somber, stern faces.  You told me to sit down, so I did.  On the couch directly across the room, not far away from your somber, stern faces.  I had an idea of what was coming, some sort of boring lecture with me having to say a lot of uh-huhs in between.  I’ve gotten my fair share of lectures from you, and from others, so I kinda get a sense of when they’re coming.

It was a lecture all right.  I know you meant well, and I’m not here to put you down or anything like that.  Mothers do the best they can – well hopefully.  The good ones do anyways, and you’re a good one.   But here’s what you told me.  You and Dad told me to cage my free spirit.  You didn’t say those words exactly, but what you meant was to put my free spirit inside a box, and put him up in the attic with all the other dusty toys.  I was to be a man now.  Stop playing games and get some direction in life.   Some goals, a job, a career, maybe a wife, some kids, and all that other sorta stuff.

Well, I didn’t want to be a man.  From all I saw at the time, being a man meant cheating husbands, divorced dads, drunks, liars, punchers, spitters, and those that like to give lectures about how I’m to play life by the rules, and become a man.

I was 21.  I knew more about being a man than the asshole telling me I had better be a man, after I knew flat out that he had just beat his wife senseless a few nights ago.  My friend told me.  He was in tears.  And now that man had the gull to tell me I had better become a man.  Well, I had the gull to shut my mouth and say “uh-huh.”  I knew more about being a man than him, and sometimes as a man you gotta know when to shut your mouth and say uh-huh, because it’s not worth the fight at the time.  There are other ways to go about winning a fight without shouting, and cursing, and more fighting.  So I left it at that:  Uh-huh.

I guess this is my usual, long-winded, rambling just to tell you this, and then to follow it up with a little more rambling to wrap things up.  I never put that free spirit in a cage.  I never boxed him up.  I kept him free, and I guess that’s why people like my stories about wieners and Franzia boxed wine, and all that other stuff.

They’re free spirits too.  They’re dimwits.  There’s a whole mess of us out there, and they enjoy someone who can spin a good tale, tell a whopper of a story filled with craziness and madness, but also full of love and hope.  Those are the two most important ingredients to a story, because without love and hope, you might as well just read from the dictionary.  The thing with telling a good story is you gotta have a free spirit to be able to tell it, so that’s why I kept him free.  That and it just never made all that much sense to me why anyone should keep anything in a cage.

Thanks for being a good mom.  I usually never tell you that, maybe even never.  Probably because I’m too busy telling tall tales instead, but I was just thinking it’s probably nice and important for a mother to hear that from her son.  It’s a lot of hard work raising kids.  Not a lot of credit, late nights, no sleep, and lousy sons who make you cry when they send you letters.

I know you’re crying right now.  Just like when I can sense a lecture, I can usually sense when someone’s gonna cry, too.  I can sense a lot of things.  Some say it’s a gift, but sometimes it’s a curse too.  It can take a lot out of you with all the sensing going on all the time, and no way to turn it off.  Rather than whine about a gift that others would kill to have, it feels nice to make good use of it finally.  Wieners!  HA.

So stay tuned.  Your son is going places that only a free spirit can lead a person, and he’s taking a TON of dimwits along with him!  It’s going to be a fun ride.  It will be interesting at the very least.

Love,

Your son.  The dimmest of all the dimwits.  The dunce.  The doofus.

Chris

PS.  Sorry to include this photo of you with a scrunchy face, that looks like you just caught a whiff of a dog turd, but you didn’t really think the Dimwit was gonna end without a good laugh, did you?  Toodles.

The Dimwits Mom

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25 Must See Photos of Italy

Three years ago, I took my Mom on a two week vacation to Italy.  It’s always been a dream of hers to visit the motherland, so I was happy to be in a position to finally see that her dream was fulfilled.  Despite a few tense moments that were to be expected when a mother and her 32 year old son team up to travel, it was a great trip.  We visited Rome, toured the Colosseum, saw the Vatican, traveled to Sicily, walked the beaches, drove the countryside, and ate gelato until our hearts were content.

Whether you’ve been to Italy or have only seen photos, I think you’ll find a mother-son take to be a fresh perspective on such a beautiful country.  So without further ado, may I present 25 must see photos of Italy like you’ve never seen before.  

1.  My Mom taking a picture of a flight status board. 
001 My Mom Taking a Picture of a Flight Status Board

2. My Mom taking a picture of tables and chairs.
002 My Mom Taking a Picture of Tables

3. My Mom taking a picture of a leaf.
003 My Mom Taking a Picture of a Leaf

4. My Mom taking a picture of rigatoni.
004 My Mom Taking a Picture of Her Rigatoni

5. My Mom taking a picture of a homeless person.
005 My Mom Taking a Picture of a Street Bum

6. A picture of my Mom holding an umbrella.
007 A Picture of My Mom Holding An Umbrella

7. A picture of me holding an umbrella.
008 My Mom Taking a Picture of Me Holding An Umbrella

8. My Mom taking a picture of the ceiling.
008 My Mom Taking a Picture of the Ceiling

9. My Mom taking a picture of candles.
009 My Mom Taking a Picture of Candles

10. My Mom taking a picture of flower arrangements.
010 My Mom Taking a Picture of Flower Arrangements

11. My Mom taking a picture of grass.
011 My Mom Taking a Picture of a Grass

12. Me taking a picture of grass.
012 My Mom Taking a Picture of Me Taking a Picture of Grass

13. My Mom taking a picture of peat moss.
013 My Mom Taking a Picture of Peat Moss

14. My Mom taking a picture of sand.
014 My Mom Taking a Picture of Sand

15. My Mom taking a picture of stucco.
015 My Mom Taking a Picture of Stucco

16. My Mom taking a picture of stratus clouds.
016 My Mom Taking a Picture of Stratus Clouds

17. My Mom taking a picture of rocks.
017 My Mom Taking a Picture of a Rock

18. Me taking a picture of rocks.
018 My Mom Taking a Picture of Me Taking a Picture of Rocks

19. My Mom with two guys that like wearing yellow.
019 A Picture of My Mom With two Guys That Like Wearing Yellow

20. My Mom taking a picture of me opening up a water bottle.
020 My Mom Taking a Picture of Me Opening a Water Bottle

21. My Mom taking a picture of restaurant menus.
021 My Mom Taking a Picture of Restaurant Menus

22. My Mom taking a picture of a fruit bowl.
022 My Mom Taking a Picture of a Fruit Bowl

23. My Mom taking a picture of me pumping gas.
024 My Mom Taking a Picture of Me Pumping Grass

24. My Mom taking a picture of me fed up with her taking pictures of me.
025 My Mom Taking a Picture of Me Sick of Her Taking Pictures of Me

25. A picture of stray cats.
006 A Picture of Cats