Do you like reading hot and steamy romance novels about pounding hearts and quivering thighs as much as I do? Doubt it. But if you do, then you will be thrilled to know that I’ve been working on writing a romance novel of my own.
The romance novel is titled “Big Love” and it’s a love story about a guy and gal who meet in an online chat room. They hit it off, chat back and forth for several months. The virtual lovebirds have only one rule: no photos or physical descriptions of one another allowed whatsoever. They’ve committed to testing out the theory that love is blind and that true love doesn’t concern itself with physical appearances.
After several months of online courtship, the two decide to finally meet up in person. Kevin White, a nutritionist and health coach, is in for a BIG surprise when he finally meets the virtual love of his life, Nelly Barnes, a Wal-Mart sales associate. The following excerpt is from their first meet-up. Check it, yo.
Excerpt From A Hot And Steamy Romance Novel
by Christopher Hinton
It had been months of correspondence, back and forth emails, phone calls, and handwritten letters. The time was finally here. I was going to see her. In the flesh. Face to face. I was finally going to get to squeeze her tight, and if I had it my way, I might never let her go. My sweet Nelly. My true love.
I was nervous as hell. I showed up at the coffee shop as per our arrangement, only I arrived two hours earlier than expected.
I gulped down three cups of coffee and an espresso while I was waiting. I don’t drink coffee. I was jitters. I was a bundle of nerves. Where is she? Where is my cute as a button, Nelly, my precious baby lamb? She was going to be here any second now. I ordered another cup of coffee and sat back down, waiting.
Not long afterwards, in walked Nelly. There she was. It was my bunny angel. I knew it was her by the way Nelly described the outfit so perfectly in a prior email – she said that she would be wearing black stretch pants and a yellow puppy dog T-shirt with the clever caption printed on the front, “I Ruff You.”
Yes, it was my Nelly all right, but she didn’t look like the girl that I had spent countless hours sculpting, and forming and painting a picture of in my mind. If I’m being frank, Nelly was about 240 pounds heavier and carried quite a few more extra chins. The girl in the painting also wasn’t wearing flip flops and didn’t have her hair pulled back into a moo cow Scrunchie.
I’m a putz. I’m a dope. A real honest-to-goodness imbecile. The first thing that shot through my brain and out of my mouth before I had a chance to put a silencer on that nasty, devil of a tongue of mine came spewing out. I fired a bullet. Boy, did I ever.
I took one look at Nelly and I screamed “Holy shit!” across the entire way. They heard me in Alaska. Christ, they heard me in Japan. Every person in the joint was looking at me, snapping and stretching their heads around like rubber bands. I don’t blame them. I have a bad habit of cursing – I’ll be the first to admit it, my pastor would be the second – but cursing in public is a vile thing if you ask me, especially when there are children present.
I mouthed an apology to the mothers. I meant it, I was sorry, but what was I going to say to my poor Nelly? Sorry wouldn’t cut it. Not for my sweet pookums, but it wasn’t like I had much time to give it thought.
Nelly gave a wave and walked over to my table. She smiled, laughed nervously under her breath. She was all jitters too. She spoke. A crackling, mousy voice came out of that mammoth body. It was much different than the voice I had heard over the phone.
“Hi there, stranger. So good to finally see you. Sorry, I’m shaking. I didn’t think that I would be this nervous.”
I said hi there right back. Told her it was okay, I was nervous too. We hugged. It felt warm. She had a question in regards to my shouting fit, however.
“So was that a good holy shit or a bad holy shit when I walked in the door?”
I never knew there was such a thing as a good holy shit, but I was relieved to be given a choice in this case. I chose to go with a good. It was good. Nelly was – she was different than I had fantasized about in my dreams, but it didn’t matter. That’s love. It’s mad and it’s crazy, and if it’s right, it doesn’t give a damn about a size or a shape.
My Nelly was no ankle-biting poodle, and our love was no tiny, puppy love. No, Nelly was a big fat ass elephant of a greyhound dog if that makes any sense, and I decided right then and there that it was all right with me. I must be mad and crazy. It was love for certain, and after I decided a little bit more, it was even better than being all right. It was downright ecstasy.
The rest of the afternoon was nice. We laughed. We nearly fell off our chairs. The tongue behaved, settled down and so did the nerves. I can’t remember ever being happier than I was in that moment. It had been a long time since I had been happy, which is a sad thing for a person to say, but it’s true.
No more dark and lonely nights. Nelly was my sun. She lit up the room, she lit up the sky. Night time no longer existed as long as she was around. There was only day.
I held my Nelly tight. It was a good holy shit. It was a good goddamn.
I found my big love, all right. I decided I was never letting go.
A – I think you should continue this. It made me laugh ergo I want more ergo get busy typin’. ;-)
B – I didn’t realize you were a Pittsburgh dimwit. I live in Erie and my father has chemo at UPMC every week. Next time I’m there I shall send you an imaginary cheek kiss for causing chuckles during such a hard time.
I dunno if I am curious about or fear the fumbling sex scene if this goes to chapters 2, 3,4 though…! What d’ya think..will Nelly give it up easily? Is she a virgin or a 50 Shades kinda girl? Hmmm.. :)
HA! Mancakes, their love is wild, let me tell ya. There’s all kinds of fumbling going on, and even some foot rubs. Nelly’s got a thing for feet rubbing. Love ya. < 3
I hadn’t seen their watches brfoee but these are really cool. My favorite would be the 44mm Black IP all black version with the silicone email@example.com
Lol. Good question Mancakes. I’m guessing she sleeps around for affirmation. Plenty of skinny gals go that route as well.
Well sorry to hear about your father, but happy to hear your use of the word ergo. I accept that imaginary cheek kiss, and raise you a….um….no, don’t you do it dimwit….don’t go there….raise you a….dear hug to you and to your father. A warm hug.
Nice to hear from you, and if I’m ever out your way, I shall be blowing imaginary cheek kisses right back at ya. XO
(the word was boner)
– The Captain
Dimwits and boners – I figured. Not my first time at the rodeo..
I read this out loud to my daughter (because I’m proud of you and since you are my manservant I totally take credit for all good things you do and pretend I don’t know you when you’re rotten) and she said “wait is this true?!”. Eh hmm…the moral: you are FAR too good at this schizzle.
Well tell your daughter the story is true. I fell in love with a big fat ass elephant of a greyhound dog, and a fictional character that my own pen wrote no less. How strange, but that’s love. It’s mad and it’s crazy.
Wait till you read your daughter the next post. It’s another guest blogger – the Baha Men writing in response to John Stamos’ letter. Once again my pen has done some crafty work, and strangely, the Baha Men end up offering some of the best life advice I’ve ever read punctuated by a lyric quote by Eminem.
Your manservant always,
– The Captain
This is fantastic. Going to be a bestseller for sure!
Yes, I think so, but I’m biased. I think a writer should be biased when they write, or else what’s the point?
Thanks for the comment Hollie. It’s nice to hear feedback, and even better when it’s not someone telling you to go to hell, which is usually what I get. No, not really. Everyone has been kind. Thanks!
Sometimes I hate what I write..but it makes me feel better when other people don’t think it is crap. Ill be working on my first novel soon..but I’m not sure it is going to be as steamy as your romance with the fatty.
HA! Well keep up the writing. I’ve been writing for about 10 years now, and finally feel like i’m starting to hit my stride. It takes time, but it’s worth it if you allow for that time. Can’t wait to give it a read!
Matt, it does seem as if the libraries that were buenrd brought this on themselves to a large degree by not using the controls that a computer system gives them. I can’t imagine why any library would have a policy of not limiting checked out items to a reasonable level of 10-12. Students doing research could always ask for an exception or use the card of a parent or sibling to get what they need.
I want more…in fact in already fantasizing about the next chapter.
Yes, fantasizing is good. I generally avoid the real world, but every once in a while, I have to venture out for toilet paper. Joking, sorta. I like the real world over all, but it’s cozy and warm, the rent is free, and the water flows like Franzia boxed wine in my head, so I spend a lot of time there too. Cheers!
poetri whit humor
great man write
Thanks! Poetry and humor go together like health coaches and Wal-Mart sales associates. I like to incorporate both. Thanks for the comment.
u so right lets stay in contakt?
For sure, mate. Just followed your blog and will be checking it out. Thanks and cheers.
Cheers pal. I do apretciape the writing.
First word *interesting* first sentence *amazing* first paragraph *hooked and can’t stop reading* You’re an amazing writer and I hope to see more of this story in the nearing future!
-Wish you best of luck
Whoa, thanks! Interesting is good, amazing is even better, and hooked, well my apologies in advance. It does get rather wild around here sometimes, but the kind of wild that’s wonderful…like West Virginia (I think that’s their slogan.)
Thanks y’all. I’m a little, you know, tipsy at the moment. I’ve learned from all those drunk texts to wait until the next day to respond, but what the shit. Why not? I will wait to respond individually until tommorrow, however.
When I first started writing this bit, the whole thing was a big, old gag. I’m not a mean person, I wasn’t trying to make fun of larger people, but in a sense I guess I was when you get right down to it. The book cover is a gimmick. It’s a joke, it’s rude if you’re being honest.
But love, it is mad and it is crazy. As I was writing, the story seemed to take over and take it all in a different direction, and it was as if I had no control. When I got to the part where Nelly was shaking when she finally met Kevin, well fuck, that did it. I was thinking of all the times that I’ve made fun of larger people. All the times I’ve thought of them as shapes. I thought about how nervous, and sweet Nelly was. And goddamn, I felt so bad for her. My heart dropped. I fell in love with her. It might sound strange, but I swear. When she was so nervous, and her voice was shaking, and the prior incident of the shouting fit, and every eye in the place being on her, and I thought about her nervously tucking at her shirt to hide her fat. It was the first time in my life I actually beliveived in this thing called “blind love.” It’s fucking crazy, sorry for swearing, but I truly belived in Kevin and Nelly. The thing was no longer a joke. Damn, cheers for real love. It was a gag, but maybe I’ll do something with it later.
Thanks for the comments. I’ll resond later when I’m sober.
And that my Sir, is a beautiful thing you have experienced ( and written). Love is grand and love is blind. I hope others get to experience what you have felt by reading this. Ironic, it started as a gag and led to something profound.
I’m sober now. I really shouldn’t post when I’m drunk. It’s one more of those profound things I hope to learn one day, but it was nice to learn this profound lesson when writing. Thanks for reading as always, and a sober cheers to you this fine morning!
Holy shit that was funny!
Thanks skull faced dude! I thought it was rather funny too. And a bit endearing. And foul. My major ingredients when writing. Cheers to you.
Hey Dimwit! What a crazy cool awesome blog you have. I rarely have the patience to read long posts… but I loved this one. :)
Thanks for being patient with me. I require a lot of it, but generally the pay off is worth it in the end. Thanks for reading!
Lol so i came into this post not knowing what to expect. At first when i read your little intro I was like” duddeeee” ( not the good way) but then i was like DUDEEEEEE( awesome way). I think you should keep writing. It’s awesome , funny and REAL and, yes I”m going to say it, CUTE. Yup, you got some “awes” out of this! Keep writing!
Hey thanks! I like to explore different places when I write, and just like in life, sometimes you end up in dangerous places, places you don’t belong. But I worked myself out of this spot, and maybe I’ll visit it again. I like danger.
Thanks for getting past the dudddeeee part and sticking around for the DUDEEEE. Think I have a few more DUDEEEE’s in the near future. Let’s hope. Cheers.
Wonderful! I’m a large woman and I loved this story! Thanks….
Well hooray for large women and big love! Glad you didn’t find it offensive. Thanks for the comment!
Reblogged this on annetteharris42 and commented:
Wonderful start to a BIG love story! It deserves reblogged over n over!
And thanks for the reblog!
I’m happy for you and Nelly…
I was a little teary-eyed as I read this story of unconditional love…
Ok, I’m lying. It was tears from laughing…
Ha, awesome you liar, liar pants on fire. Tears are good, whether it be from a good cry or a good laugh, or both. Cheers and thanks for the comment.
I like that you put New York Times Best Seller because most of the time I go through Kindle store to find sizzling hot romance novels to read, they would be captioned like that NY Time Best seller. I find that too manytime till I come to have a doubt why NY Time and why they can all be best seller? Like your novel sample, your writing totally fits the genre! According to my reading experiences :D
Ha, yeah could you imagine? I almost want to actually write this book, just so when you’re browsing through all the elegant, fancy schmancy writers with their fancy words and #1 bestsellers, and 1,0000 copies sold, you come across the cover of Big Love. Not that I’m spiteful, but I do like to stick it to people that need a good sticking. Thanks for reading!
I hope you’re writing the second chapter as we speak!
Yes, well I’m sober and I only write when I’m drunk. Just kidding. C’mon, now. I just may give the second chapter a go, but gotta finish up my advice column first, which is about this guy that inadvertently thinks he’s getting the Chinese symbol tattoo for “hope springs eternal” but through a series of follies, he ends up getting a tattoo for the symbol of “Kunk Pao Chicken” instead. I like to do more serious writing such as advice columns, but I like love stories too. Guess I’ll do both. Thanks!
I always knew those tattoos didn’t mean what we thought they meant. Such trust is placed in people we don’t even know, to ink us with hope only to find out we are just another billboard for food. ;)
Super jazzed about getting that kn-owhwo.
i think i want an autographed copy of this book.
Well, that could certainly be arranged. Tried stalking you for an address, but came up short. Shoot me an email and I’ll send you an autographed cover. You can have the girls over for a slumber party, throw a tickle fight, feathers galore, and giggle like school girls over your autographed book cover. Isn’t that what you girls do? Seriously though, if you’d like an autographed image, shoot me an email. It would be my honor.
oh, my. Yes, it’s me here. The Dimwit. I’ll be here all day. Telling bad jokes and writing bad stories. oh, boy. Thanks for reading my bad jokes and bad stories.
Honey? I thought we agreed that you would wait until I was ready for others to read about our internet bloggers romance. Oh well, I guess you’re going to do what you will….that’s why I fell in love with you……just kidding……keep up the good work. I’ve got my eyes on you!!!
Keep those eyes GLUED bunny angel. The world is finding out about our love, and it’s a BIG hit. XOXOXO
Funny. I also enjoyed your dunk reply! :) Keep posting. I hope to read more about K&N! :)
K&N! That’s it! I was trying to think of a name, you know, like how Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are Brangelina. K&N fits pretty nice. It could go places. Thanks for reading!
NP! I’m glad I could help!
That saves me. Thanks for being so selsnbie!
So good! You had a great writing style! I laughed and smiled a lot reading your stuff! It is good you are into writing :)
Thanks! Been at it for a while, but finally think I might be onto something. Let’s hope, and thanks for reading and the sweet comment.
That was brilliant. Please publish the next part soon!
The brilliant dimwit. I used this joke before, but I’ll use it again. There’s no time limit on bad jokes as far as I know….The brilliant dimwit is a real oxyMORON, emphasis on the moron. Pretty bad, all right. Thanks for reading!
Hey Sue and Mike,This is Teresa Eimutus from the great state of Virginia, USA! Glad to see you guys are having such great fun Mike wokring and Sue playing LOL! Hope to see you guys when you get back. I’ll be looking here to see how your trip is going! Merry Christmas and have a very Happy New Year!hYou can reach me here or at . Love and Miss you guys Lots!
Appreciation for this information is over 9000-thank you!
I thought she was going to dump his skinny ass!
She should! That skinny ass refuses to take out the trash and put the toilet seat down!
Fantastic! I read it to my husband over coffee this morning. He had to keep putting his mug down so he wouldn’t spill!
Ha! Your poor husband. Please send him my apologies. From the Dimwit. With a big fat ass elephant of a greyhound dog hug, if that makes any sense. Thanks for the comment!
Um, I stopped by to thank you for the like on my post and found this… Hilarious!!! Thanks for the chuckle. I’m “following” you now :)
Thanks for the follow! There’s all sorts of chuckling going on in here. Feel free to come back any time. I’ll make some pasta. That’s all I know how to cook unfortunately. Sorry, but the laughs outta make up for a lousy meal. Cheers.
What a great story, but even more so was your follow up comment.
Thanks! Yeah, the Franzia boxed wine can leave me with a nasty, devil of a tongue sometimes, but this time it was nice. I enjoyed writing this story. Hope you’ll keep reading.
– The Captain
Thanks , I’ve just been searching for info about this topic for a while and yours is the greaetst I have came upon till now. But, what concerning the bottom line? Are you sure in regards to the supply?
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Real love kicked you in the face (on paper or on your screen) ;)
Damn that love. I try to avoid it generally. I don’t know why. I’m just strange like that and like a lot of other ways, but damn that love if it didn’t get a hold of me even when I was minding my own business, Photoshopping myself on the cover of a romance novel, featuring a rather large woman. Cursed love. But I do love Nelly. Think I’ll write more about her and have her bake me some cookies. Thanks!
If she bakes you too many cookies your 2 will become look-a-likes… ;)
Keep on writing this story! I really love it! Here, I said ‘Love’ again! It’s got a hold on me!!!
“big fat ass elephant of a greyhound dog”
Still can’t wrap my head around it…Holy shit.
It’s a good Holy Shit though… ;)
A good holy shit! Yes it is. You could imagine how mind boggling it was to wrap a mind around it when you’re writing them. But the words were nice even if it didn’t make much sense, so I kept them. Thanks for reading them. Cheers!
Your mind IS quite beautifully…warped. ;)
WOW. Such an interesting story of LOVE. I am actually surprised that he did not run the other way! I like this kind of “blind love” that sees into the soul of a person past the cellulite layers of food numbing pain. Its quite beautiful actually. Wonderfully beautiful.
Aw, thanks! Yes, love is strange. There’s really no rhyme or reason for it sometimes, and so you just gotta go with it. I’ve always had a fancy for brunettes but keep falling in love with these blonds. Perhaps I’ll do this love is blind experiment sometime and forget the brunettes and blonds, and find a big love instead. Love is grand, after all. Thanks for the comment.
Where did you get that picture of me?
Google. May I have your permission to use it? Too late. Already a bestseller, so I’ll buy you napkin or tissue for your nose picking friend as a thanks. Cheers to you Sassy Panties.
38mm white and rose gold -> has been my little pseulare to gawk at for the past months!Been followong your blog since you opened it, and is my fav. Keep up the style!lovJessica xxoemail:firstname.lastname@example.org
Created the greatest articles, you have.
I’m not worthy to be in the same forum. ROTFL
Well…that was interesting…
Yeah, interesting is a good word for what that was. I liked it, though. The couple was cliched but great all the same.
Thanks for the feedback! I try to keep it interesting around here, so if you’re ever in the need for interesting, feel free to come on back some time. Cheers.
I laughed and then I laughed some more. Excellent sense of humor! (and here I am again, somewhat linking you to Woody Allen- I’m probably a bit obessessed with him)Thanks for making my day :D
I have been thinking of a similar novel(lla) too, hope I’ll get it down on paper as well. Soon.
Again, thanks for a wonderful 5 minutes’ :)
Woody Allen, you say….Hm, I’ve heard of this fella, and perhaps a guest blog is in the future with this Mr. Allen. Like a one-on-one interview between him and I. Sounds kinda delightful. I’m gonna have to watch a few of his movies, and put this one on the brainstorming list (Do dimwits brainstorm? You better believe it. I have a list a mile high, and every single one of the ideas on the list are rotten and wonderful. Like you. Thanks for reading.)
If you ever do that, I’ll probably build a statue right in the middle of my Romanian hometown. :D
hi squirrel i have a pro nitro buggy and i tuned it and i dont think im gitnetg the full speed how do iknow when im going full speed and when i do go full speed it slow down and sounds like it is about to shut down can you help iknow the full speed is 60 miles ph i wram it up befor i try to go full speed but it wont go yhe full 60 so can please help thanks
Not bad for a dimwit who threw grammar out the window long ago! Thanks for the story – looking forward to more. Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Hey thanks! Sorry, I’m a bit behind on replies…it’s the dimwit in me. Yes, it’s a love/hate with grammar. Mostly hate. I don’t know all the fancy rules, so I just kinda make up my own rules, the way people speak. Well, anyway, thanks for reading.
Thanks! I’ve got a soft side, and sometimes I don’t mind showing it off in between the crude humor here and there. Gotta mix it up a little. Well, thanks for the nice comment. Cheers.
You’re so welcome The Dimwit Diary : )
I have to practice that too…! Picking mints then making chocolate mint ice cream, and not just eating and spitting mints. lol
Can’t wait to hear about the hot, sweaty monkey love they’re going to be having!! Roll her in flour and. . . oh, I can’t write that on here!! I have no filter and “holy shit” statements spew forth from my pie hole too. ;)
Holy shit, what a funny, sweet story. I had to admit I was cringing at a possibly cruel and humiliating ending. Glad that Kevin and Nelly are making it work.
Shit yeah! I was cringing too when I was writing it. Started off as a gag, but didn’t have the heart to be a mean, dum-dum to my dear Nelly. She seemed too sweet. Thanks for the comment and for reading. Cheers from Kevin, Nelly, and the Dimwit.
I seem to recall a girl with two butts that may have been your subliminal inspiration.
This is just the pecreft answer for all forum members