Well, I don’t know about you dimwits, but I like wolves. Always have. In elementary school, the teachers were always going around asking questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” I’d shrug my shoulders. I don’t know, “Blue.” “Whad’ya wanna to be when you grow up?” Once again a shrug. Never gave it much thought, being that I was 8 1/2 years old and all. So I’d say, “A school teacher so one day I can ask awesome questions just like you.” And then the teachers would finally get around to asking the real gritty, meaty questions. “What’s your favorite animal?” Without hesitation, I would confidently respond, “Wolf.”
So as you can see, ever since I was a little kid I always liked wolves.
Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf. I know what you’re probably saying to yourself, “Man, that’s impossobile. I can never learn to Photoshop myself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.” Wrong. You just gotta believe, and with the aid of this tutorial, you’ll be off and howling in no time. To the moon we go.
Step 1: Put On Some Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet”
Whenever I’m Photoshopping myself in pop up tents with ferocious wolves, it’s all about setting the right mood. The sound of rainforest and pan flutes are always a nice background music to work with, but it’s not quite wolfy enough for this lesson. We need something that howls. Something that screams and gets the blood pumping a little. I’m talking Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” circa 1986, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s get wild in the streets, shall we? We definitely shall.
Step 2: Lasso The Head Of A Smoking Hot Blond
Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this tutorial. As you can see, it’s me in the women’s changing room pop up tent with a smoking hot blond. While I have nothing against poking my head out of a pop up tent with a smoking hot blond, for this demonstration, we will be replacing her smiling face with a ferocious wolf.
If you’ve had a chance to read the sparkly vampire Twilight poster tutorial, then you’re aware that not only do I have a fondness for wolves, but I also have a deep appreciation for magnets. So crank up some Jovi, whip your hair around like your all time favorite glam rocker, loosen up those neck muscles a bit, give a couple monster leg kicks, another hair whip or two, take a swig of water to stay hydrated, and go to the upper, left hand corner to select the Magnetic Lasso Tool, in that specific order.
Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove. Carefully make your selection of the smoking hot blond, then hit the delete button. Boom shakalacka. The smoking hot blond is no more and you should end up with a layer that looks like so.
Hey, what the shit Jon Bon Jovi? Well, sorry about that Photoshoppers. Seems there’s a little cockblocking going on here, and somebody is having a little difficulty letting go of their glorious, glamorous, hair thrashing past. Sorry Jon Bon Jovi, but you and your 7 foot tall, hair sprayed, lion’s mane need to go. We have some more wolfing to do.
Step 3: Let’s Go Hunting For A Ferocious Wolf
So first things first. We need a ferocious wolf. I know just the place to go find one. Do a Google search for “Ferocious Wolf” and select an image you like. The more ferocious the better. I would suggest choosing the wolf showing the most teeth to get the most of that ferocious look. Here is the photo of the ferocious wolf that I have selected to use.
Step 4: Lassoing The Head Of A Ferocious Wolf
Similar to how I lassoed the head of the smoking hot blond, I will be lassoing the head of the ferocious wolf. Crank that mutha’ up about 10 decibles, give another whip of the hair, show that GD wolf who’s boss, and select the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner once again.
Carefully trace around the ferocious wolf head, and make a new isolated layer. And no, Jon Bon Jovi, you’re not invited to the wolf head party. You and your tight, leather pants and unbuttoned shirt need to stuff it somewhere in New Jersey. Preferably in the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey, which shouldn’t be too hard to find since the entire state is a sewer. No offense to anyone that lives in New Jersey.
Your ferocious wolf head isolated layer should look like something like this.
Step 4: Blend The Ferocious Wolf Head In A Pop Up Tent
I’ll keep this brief. Slippery When Wet clocks in at a mere 42:22, so we don’t have a whole lot of time for goofing. Not when we’ve got some wolfing to do, so let’s finish this sonofabitch up. So now that we got rid of the smoking hot blond, and have an isolated layer of the ferocious wolf head, it’s time to blend the two images.
And man, honest to God, these next 100 steps are so incredibly, freaking boring, and it’s probably the whole reason that I never went to my graphic design classes in college in the first place. I”m just. Do you ever regret things in your past? Like, sit around and ever wonder how things would be any different today if you had made just a few different choices when you were younger? If you would be living in a different state? A different country, even? Have a different career? Maybe be with someone different, somebody at all? If those few different choices would’ve made you wealthier, more successful? Happier?
Christ, Bon Jovi is giving me a pounding headache, so I’m gonna skip about the next 12 steps if that’s cool with you dimwits. I knew I should’ve gone with White Snake, but it’s too late for that now. We’re committed, so let’s wrap this up and send Jovi home packing.
So basically, I did some more lassoing, and traced the pop up tent so I could make a new layer, I added in a few slash marks to the pop up tent cause I thought it looked pretty cool and more ferocious, I added a layer mask and…
You know what. I can’t even do it. I can’t even pretend anymore. Photoshop sucks the will to live right outta me. Leaves me shriveled, dying, and makes me feel a little less of a human being every time I click on that smug looking PS logo. Every time I see that bouncy ball opening up the program as if he’s excited, and knows that with each and every bounce, a little more of me dies inside. I’m smashing this stereo. Bon Jovi is really grinding my nerves. Here’s your photo of the cockblocking, cock knocker Jon Bon Jovi, you dimwits.
Welp, there you go. Congratulations on making yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf. Hope it was as wonderful of an experience as it was for me. Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop Jon Bon Jovi’s Olivia Newtwon-John looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey. Time for me to go howl at the moon with about a gallon of Jim Beam and a case of Milwalkees Best.
The Dimwit Diary 