Photoshop Lessons – How To Photoshop A Mary Poppins Flying Umbrella Witch Poster

Well, first off, let me begin with an apology.  I was not myself the last tutorial.  I was angry.  I was furious.  I wanted to smash Jon Bon Jovi’s face off the side of a curb and bury his Olivia Newton-John looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey.  It was just a very bad day, but nothing that a lot of whiskey and a few jagerbombs can’t fix.  So, sorry for that.   Pulled it together, dusted myself off, and ready to go.  It’s time to begin our supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Mary Poppins lesson.

001 Chris Mary Poppins

So let me be the first to admit that I’ve never seen this damn movie in my entire life.  You’d have to shoot me first before I go around watching Mary Poppins.  But somebody made the request that since we did ferocious wolves in pop up tents the last time, this time could I do one more for the ladies and gay gentlemen.  So I said, “Fine.  It would be my pleasure.”

Since I’m not familiar with Mary Poppins, I did a little fishing around online.  As far as I can tell, it’s about some super nanny that flies around like a witch, wearing floppy hats, except for using brooms to fly around in, she uses an umbrella.  Sounds like a winner.  I’ll be sure to check it out sometime, right after I finish up my will and swallow a fist full of pills.

Let’s begin today’s Photoshop lesson and get it over with, shall we?  I suppose we shall.

Step 1:  Pray To Jesus

This step is self explanatory, so no need to ramble on.  In addition to praying to Jesus, I will be listening to lots of Pantera.  Ladies and gay gentlemen, feel free to substitute Pantera with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Whatever floats your boat.  To each their own.

Step 2:  Selecting Flying Umbrella Witch Images To Combine

002 Mom and Mary Poppins

Above are the two primary images I’ll be combining together to make our Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  On the far right is a photo of my Mom and my youngest sister.  As you can see, my Mom is making her usual goofy face, holding an umbrella the size of Jupiter, and doing her best to embarrass me in public.  She will make a perfect Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch for the purpose of this demonstration for sure.

Step 3:  Getting Rid Of The Floppy Hat Flying Umbrella Witch

So by now, you’ve already learned to do enough lassoing of ferocious wolf heads and smoking hot blonds in previous lessons, so I’m going to skip that portion.  I will teach you some new tricks to become a Photoshop master like me, so one day all of your friends will bow down to you in mighty awe.

Go to the upper, left hand corner and select the Clone Stamp Tool.  Here is a visual of where you can find the tool.  Take a good look, cause it’s the last time you’ll be seeing super nanny flying through the air, toting around her oversized duffle bag, and looking pensively off into the distance with her rosy cheeked witch face.

003 Cloning Mary Poppins Rosy Cheeked Witch Face

So basically, I’ll try to walk you through this as best I can in as few words as possible.  I don’t feel like being here all day looking at flying umbrella witches, as I’m sure you don’t either.

Make a new layer of the Mary Poppins original photo.  Once you’ve got a new layer, select a sample of the clouds using the Clone Stamp Tool by pressing Option click.  Once you’ve got a sample to clone with, you will essentially be copying portions of the sky and clouds to cover up super nanny extraordinaire.  Here is a visual of what the process should look like.

004 Screaming Bald Headed Eagle

Son of a bitch, not again.  Sorry for the screaming bald-headed eagle Photoshoppers.  That’s my mistake, so just ignore.  We will get to you in a minute baldy, so shut your beak and give it a rest with all the screaming before I lasso that beak shut for good.  I already have enough of a pounding headache between Pantera and flying umbrella witches, and honest to God.

I have no idea why I do this crap to myself.  Making these Photoshop tutorials.  I never liked Photoshop in college to begin with, so here I am teaching Photoshop lessons on Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bangs.  I swear it’s like I lived another life and was sent back to teach Photoshop lessons as a punishment or something.  Well, just ignore the screaming bald-headed eagle, and let’s move on before I have another nervous breakdown and have to go see my doctor again.

005 Floppy Wearing Hat Umbrella Witch With A Cloud Face

So as you can see from the photo above, I replaced the rosy cheeked witch face with a cloud.  If you look closely, you can see that I sampled the cloud to the immediate left, and basically just cloned that cloud to cover up Poppins’ floppy hat wearing face, which if you ask me is an improvement.   No offense to any Marry Poppins fans out there.  All things aside, I’m sure she’s a terrific nanny.

So that’s what you’ll wanna do.  Keep taking samples of the sky and clouds near the area that you want to cover over, so it matches up pretty close.  Doesn’t have to be perfect, because most of it will be covered up with my Mom and her umbrella the size of Jupiter in the next step.

Step 4:  Superimposing My Mom And Her Umbrella The Size Of Jupiter

Welp, that’s it.  I hate to cut this short, but I’ve reached my limit and we’re only 5 minutes into this godforsaken thing.  There’s only so much of flying umbrella witches a person can take.  I’ve got some frisbee to go play, so here’s the deal.  Basically, I lassoed my Mom and her big ass umbrella and made a new layer.  I took that image, and imported it into the Poppins photo.

It’s gets complicated from there, so you know what.  If you want a futher lesson, then how about you dimwits give me a call.  I’ll come over, we’ll drink some whiskey, smoke a cigar, and Photoshop flying umbrella witches all night until the sun comes up.  It’ll be a great time.  And if you’re a nice lady and you want a lesson, it will be an even greater time, except for I’ll either be passed out drunk or probably just be puking in the bathroom after staring at floppy hat witches all day, so probably won’t be as great of a time on second thought.  But just call me or something, cause this is getting to be a real headache for me to keep typing it out like this.  Whatever I did in the past life musta been something major, that’s all I can figure.

I’m wrapping this nightmare Poppins witchfest up, and getting sloshed.

Here’s your Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  I added in a screaming bald-headed eagle, because I saw in a few photos that Mary Poppins likes birds.  Just for good measure, I added a wicked thunderstorm and a couple of fierce lightening bolts, cause I thought it looked pretty cool, and more like something that super nanny witches would probably be into.  I also gave my Mom a rosy cheeked witch face, so here you go.

006 Mary Poppins Flying Umbrella Witch Poster Final

Congratulations on making a Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  That concludes the tutorial for today.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop yourself into the previous life, and correct all the mistakes you’ve made using the Magic Eraser Tool found in the upper, left hand corner.  Can’t wait.

500 Followers – A Thank You

Well slap my ass and call me Sally, fellow dimwits.  500 uber sexy, wonderfully talented, witty, kind, and delightfully mischievous followers.  I can die peacefully now.  Seriously though, slap my ass or pinch me, because that’s pretty cool.

Once again, a simple thank you didn’t seem to be thanks enough.  I was thinking of another way to show my appreciation for all the wonderful feedback, kind remarks, and marriage proposals that I’ve received this past week.  So how’s about an autographed photo of me wearing obnoxiously short shorts, a pair of old grandpa blue blockers, an official NBA logo headband, and a cut-off T-shirt revealing just a touch of my fatty McFat McDonald’s french fries eating fat gut.

Yep, that outta do it.  Thanks, dimwits.  It means a lot.

Dimwit Diary Winner

So originally when I started this blog, I was going to mainly post musings about my daily life.  Things like my favorite ice cream flavor, how the wind was really windy today, and how this girl I really like named Beyoncé told me that she thinks we’re soul mates.  You know. Traditional diary type stuff, so that’s why I named my blog the Dimwit Diary.  But I’ve come to realize that I don’t really write much about my daily life musings.  My writing is mostly about feathered hair, whether it be mine or Sally Jessy Raphael’s.

It’s probably for the better that I stick to writing outlandish, made-up stories and keep creating Photoshop madness instead of the daily journal thing.  There was a time when I used to write about my daily life, and it was an incredibly drudging read.   Here is an example of one of my old, boring ramblings.

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Dearest Delightful Diary,

Today I went to Barnes & Nobles to do some writing.  Wait, is it Noble or Nobles.  I always get that so confused.  Anyway, dearest diary of mine, sweet leather bound entrusted confidant, it doesn’t really matter if the Noble is pluralized or not.  The reason that I’m writing is to tell you about two things that happened to me today.

#1)  I ordered a grande Americano, extra hot, no cream, and the gal who wrung me up took my name down as Chris.  While they were making the drink, I went to secure a table, and not 30 seconds later, I heard them call out my name.

“Chrissy.  Your drink is ready.”

I thought, now those rude sonsofbitches calling me a girl’s name like that.  I mean, Chris can be a man or a woman’s name, sure.  But clearly I am a man, and to shout out Chrissy in public like that was humiliating.  It brought back all of those nightmarish memories from high school when the other boys used call me Chrissy and told me to tuck my wiener like a vagina, because I’m a little sissy girl.  You know how high school boys can be so mean sometimes.

Well, I went to get my drink and give them a piece of my mind, but it turns out the girl who ordered before me’s name is Chrissy.  Isn’t that hysterical, Double D?!!  I had a good old laugh with the barista over that one, but not before I called her a skanky ho and we got things all sorted out.

#2)  Later in the day, the gentlemen sitting next to me had to go urinate.  He musta thought I looked like a trusting soul, so he asked if I wouldn’t mind watching his stuff.  I told him that’d be fine, unless he was going number two, because I wasn’t going to sit there all day looking at his computer while he squeezed out a turd.  He assured me that he was going number one, and after I made him do a pinky swear promise, I begrudgingly agreed to keep an eye on his stuff.

As I’m sitting there though, I was thinking about how everyone at bookstores asks you to watch their stuff all the time.  It never fails.  I mean, what if I was a crook?  I could have a real field day stealing people’s laptops at Barnes & Noble (I asked the friendly barista; it is Noble and not Nobles.)

I was sitting there for a long, long time.  Too long.  The guy clearly lied to me, probably because he was too embarrassed to admit that he had to take a number two, so when he finally came back, I told him, “Listen here, you mathematically challenged imbecile.  That was a number two, wasn’t it?  You were dropping the kids off at the pool, and don’t try to tell me that you weren’t.”

Of course he denied the whole thing.  We got into a BIG shouting match in the bookstore.  He swore on his mother’s grave that he took a number one and not a number two, but I know better.  I’ve watched a lot of people’s stuff over the years, and that was the very last time I’ll ever do it again.

Oh – I forgot.  One more thing.

#3)  Today the wind was VERY windy and I ate a pistachio flavored ice cream.

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Okay, so maybe it’s not all that boring, but I enjoy writing the variety bits better.   I’ve also enjoyed reading through some of your daily musings whenever I get a moment to do so.

Lots of good stuff coming up on the dimwit docket, so stay tuned.  I’ll be sharing excerpts from a romance novel that I’m writing, more Photoshop tutorials, a ridiculous advice column called “Chris Cares,” and some other general silliness.  Hopefully it will give ya a good laugh, maybe even some coffee spitting, belly-busting fits as well.  The world could stand a little more laughter and I’m just the right kind of simple-minded bonehead to deliver.

Thanks again for reading and following, you dimwitted half-breeds.

Yours fondly,

Chris Hinton
The Captain of the Dimwits