video | The Dimwit Diary

Well, well. We’re already over the halfway mark for the year 2013 and it’ll soon be August. It’s hard to believe. Time flies when you’re having fun.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of New Year’s resolutions. Just thought I’d take this opportunity to share the list and give a quick progress report for those that might be interested. For those that are not interested, I’ve included a link to view Def Leppard’s official music video for “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Click here for some of the craziest, coolest one armed drumming action you’ve ever seen, and for some of the biggest mullets in rock history.

I’ve put a check mark by the completed resolutions and indicated the outstanding ones in red. Let’s get rocked, Def Leppard aficionados. One armed drumroll please…

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Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions:

#1) Get a pretty cool haircut just like the movie stars ( √ )
#2) Learn how to play Eddie Van Halen guitar solos on a keytar so that I can impress my friends at parties ( √ )
#3) Eat more celery and kale for dinner instead of chili cheese dogs and one pound burritos ( √ )
#4) Get in shape so that I can bend down to tie my shoes just like the “good old days” ( √ )
#5) Do at least one thing a day that scares me (ie: doing math, saying “Bloody Mary” in the mirror three times in a row, or listening to a Nicki Minaj song the whole way through) ( √ )
#6) Visit a wax museum ( No )
#7) Visit a non-wax museum ( √ )
#8) Buy new car mats ( √ )
#9) Clean out the fridge ( √ )
#10) Get married ( No )

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Welp, there you have it. Eight down, two to go. I still have plenty of more time before the year winds down, but I’d like to keep my foot on the gas pedal. Crank this mutha up a few decibels. I’m a real go-getter.

There’s a bunch of newbies around here (welcome you dimwits). Perhaps some of you are single ladies? Feel free to check out my latest rejected Match.com dating profile if you haven’t already, and let’s see if we can’t knock the last two off the list.

I’ll see one of you lucky gals at the wax museum. Look for me. I’ll be the one wearing a burgundy turtleneck tucked neatly inside his daisy dukes. Make the most of the remaining year, you all. I will do the same. Hugs and kisses.

Wooooooo doggie! It’s been a while since I’ve done one for the ladies and the gay gentlemen, so here you go. Here’s an autographed topless photo of me while out for a jog the other day.

I’m back to running and I haven’t drank for a week. Ladies, it’s worth mentioning that I’m very much single and I’m super awesome at taking out the trash. Totally just kidding. Taking out the trash is the worst. But for the love of God, would one of you girls just marry me already. I haven’t french kissed a girl in like 5 years, and I’m getting tired of making out with my pillow night after night.

Anywho, enough complaining. It’s been a while since I’ve done a proper thank you to you dimwits. I used to do up something special for every milestone: 50 followers, 500 followers, 1,000 followers, 70 gagillion followers, ect. But then somebody brought it to my attention that calling people followers maybe isn’t the best term, because the word follower has some sort of sheepish connotation to it.

You dimwits aren’t sheep. You’re tigers, you’re leaders. You’re wonderful people, so I’ll just leave it at that. I’ll just say thank you for reading however many of you there are, because it means a lot to me. It used to just be my mother reading this damn thing and it got annoying with her commenting all the time, and nobody else (Hey ma, I need to borrow $1,000 pronto. Wire it to my account. Thanks.)

I hate math. I hate it even worse than taking out the trash, but I wanna go over some math with you real quick. I made my first money ever off of writing last month. I put these stupid ads on my blog because I wanna buy a big ass yacht. Guess how much money I earned the first month? A whopping 7 dollars and 33 cents. Woopty do, dinner is on me ladies. Looks like we’ll be eating at Arby’s and we’ll have to share that chocolate milkshake. If there’s any money left over, we can go buy a cookie from Subway. 7 dollars and 33 cents. What a crock.

I got out my calculator. I’ve been writing for about eight years now, so I’ve earned roughly one dollar per year. I’d say over the course of a year, I average writing and Photoshopping about an hour a day. So that’s 365 hours per year. One dollar per year, divided by 365 hours, equals .0027 per hour. Now, keep in mind the big ass yacht that I want to buy costs 65 million dollars.

I did some more math. Math is seriously the worst. I’d rather watch reruns of Lucy than do math. I forget how I came to the answer exactly, but I figured out at this rate, I’d have to write for about 15 billion more hours to be able to afford the 65 million dollar big ass yacht. Sounds about right. What a crock indeed. I think I’m gonna start making candles instead of writing. At least my apartment will smell nice.

No, but seriously, I do enjoy writing and I plan to continue writing in the future as I get time. I know my blog is confusing, and as a result, I’ve lost a lot of folks along the way. Sometimes I write serious, sometimes funny. Sometimes I share sad stories, sometimes I make Photoshop tutorials. Sometimes it’s photos, sometimes it’s videos. For a simpleton, I’m a very complex man. But through all the various writing – up and down, sideways and backwards – some of you have stuck around through the whole thing, and that’s really cool. I appreciate it mucho. So this is my thanks to you.

I don’t like to make promises, but I think I worked a lot of stuff out last month. I’m feeling good, so I think I’ll stick to some really funny writing for a while. I have a bunch of ideas, some old stuff, some new stuff. We’ll just see where the road leads. It better lead me to that big ass yacht. 7 dollars and 33 cents. Hey WordAds, suck it! Take your $7.33 and stick it up your greedy, coroporate arse.

Well, anyway ladies and gay gentlemen. Here’s a bonus video especially for you. It’s a compilation video I made a few years back of my professional modeling photos. I put it to the song “Love Is On the Way” by Saigon Kick. Better get the cold shower ready.

Thanks again you dimwits. Have a nice day. I will do the same.