3,000 Dimwits – A Thank You

Double your pleasure, double your fun.  It’s a double post kinda day.  Doubly exciting.  And to what do we owe this pleasure, you ask?  Welp, we reached 3,000 dimwits, and going strong.   Most excellent, dear readers.  Thanks and double thanks.

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My brother texted me the other day – the brother that I always talk about.  He goes by the one syllable name, Joe, but I call him “Broseph.”  It’s a play on his full name Joseph and him being my brother incase you didn’t put two and two together.  I’m terrible at math myself, so don’t feel so bad if it went over your head.

Broseph reads my blog regularly.  He said in the text, “You’re really finding your voice.  And it’s fantastic.”  Then he went on to say something about hurry the hell up and write my book.  To which I replied something like, “Thanks dude!  I’m close, oh so very close.”  Then I said something lame about how my blog is like a very rough sketchbook, and the book will be my finished painting.  It was LAME-O.  Lamesville, USA.  But it’s kinda the truth, I hope.

When I write on my blog, it’s just me dumping my thoughts onto a screen real quick.  I don’t put much time into it.  I don’t go back and fix things.  I just sit down and write whatever’s on my mind at the time.  Let it all gush out.  I’m just as surprised as you are to see what comes out of my mouth, believe me.  I can’t believe some of the stuff I write.  What a dimwit dingaling!!!  The Captain of the Dimwits, for sure.

Well, this is a post mainly to say thanks to those who read my madness even though I just thanked you a few posts ago.  It really does mean a lot to me.  It also meant a lot that my brother told me he’s eagerly anticipating my finished book, because unlike me, he actually does read a lot of books.  He knows a good writer when he reads one, and he insists that I have what it takes.  He tells me I have something special, so I take his word for it.  It’s a very trusted word.

I sure hope Broseph is right.  I sure hope I have a doozy in me.  I think I do.  I’ve begun saving up money to take off time next year to give it a stab.  See what happens.  And today, I just lined up a cabin to stay for free out in North Carolina.  I saw photos, and it looks like the perfect kind of place to write a beautiful painting.  I’m going for a masterpiece.  One for the ages.  Or at the very least, one to stick on top of the toilet for when you’re bored.

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Of course with me, saying thanks is never quite enough, so I went ahead and did up a nice photo to include on the inside jacket of the book.  I don’t know.  I may play around with it some more.  Photoshop a parrot on my shoulder, or maybe an eye patch, or something more Pirate-esque.  It needs a little something more, but it’ll have to do for now.  I autographed the photo for you and everything.  When the real book comes out, the very first book I’ll autograph will be for Broseph.  I have to think more of what I want to say, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something.

Here you go, you dimwits.  Thanks.

And one last quick thing speaking of autographs.  A while back, I told you about how I’m sorta friends with Stephen Chbosky – the author of “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  I met him on the movie version of the book two years ago and I stayed in touch somewhat.

Well, I recently asked Stephen to autograph a book for my former roommates’ newly adopted, teenage daughter.  The teenage gal is a big fan of Perks.  My former roomie sent me a text a week or so ago.  She included a photo of her daughter just after she opened up the package to reveal the signed book.  Her daughter had her hands clasped tight together, held close to her chest.  Almost like a position of an answered prayer.  Her face was pure glee.  She was crawling out of her skin with delight.

When I finish my book, I’m going to sign it and do the same sorts of things as Stephen.  I hope it will be a light for others.  I hope it will be a spark for certain people that desperately need a light or a spark.  I hope to make a newly adopted teenager’s day when she’s going through a really rough spell.  I hope my book will be an answered prayer for some.

I sure hope my brother is right.  Thanks Broseph.  Double thanks.

$0.00 – A Thank You

Get this you dimwits.  I’ll get to the funny business here in a second.  I have a bunch of funny stuff coming up, but I have to get down to some other bu$ine$s first.

I think I’m getting the boot.  All my WordAds are starting to disappear.  POOF!  Just like that.  I think someone reported me or something, just because I told them to stick it up their greedy, corporate arse in my previous post.  Unbelievable.  I thought I lived in a free country, but I guess not.  This is tyranny.  I re-read their terms of service, and I haven’t violated anything.  Nowhere in the terms of service does it say that a person can’t tell them to stick it up their greedy, corporate arse.

That’s what I get for listening to rap.  I never liked rap before.  I just started listening to it a few years ago just when I go running, or when I pull up to a red light in my Toyota Camry and crank some Jay-Z to impress the gal that pulled up beside me.  It never works, by the way.  I think I need bigger rims.

I’m back to running this week and I’ve been listening to a lot of rap again.  I guess Eminem must’ve rubbed off on me, and I had to open my big mouth and slam corporate America.  Thanks a lot Slim Shady.  Now I’m back to ZERO dollars earned off of writing in 8 years.  I’m never gonna afford that big ass yacht.

Well, the thing is, I actually don’t mind the ads.  I’ve watched several of them myself.  Since I write about trying to save the children and other inspirational topics, the ads are usually pertaining to outreach programs and community oriented stuff.  There was a really good one by Adrian Grenier from the show “Entourage.”  He’s a really cool dude, and he’s trying to make a difference in the world by using his celebrity status.  So here I am trying to make a difference in the world myself.  I lost 15 pounds writing last month trying to save the children, and I get the boot.   Makes a lot of sense.

I already have a plan if that’s the case.  I’m hoping that it’s not, but if I get terminated, then I’ll just go to WordAds biggest competitor and add them to my blog.  Whatever.  I’ve survived 8 years of writing without getting paid, and I’ll continue writing regardless.  I’m a determined mofo.  I’ve got ideas for 6 books, so I’ll get paid one way or another.  I just thought it’d be nice to have a little extra pocket change to eat at Arby’s.

Anywho, I created this rap persona a few years ago called “The Kasual Kid.”  That’s me, or him in the photo above.  I keep a flow book, and I spit mad rhymes every now and again.  I rap about things like shower loofas and the hard life growing up in the country tipping cows.   Maybe someday I’ll dig out a few flows and share them with you.  But I have more business to attend to for right now.

This is a thank you to the folks that stopped reading and dropped me like a bad habit.  I’m about to share some really funny stuff here in the next few weeks / months.  At least I hope it’s funny.  Some of you will probably think so.  The others that didn’t wait it out through all my crazy, mad stories, or got offended by a few things they disagreed with, well, they’ll miss out on all the funny stuff.

I use it for motivation.  I like to know people are reading.  It does mean a lot to me.  You guys and gals have been very kind with your comments, likes, shares, ect.  But I also like to know that certain people aren’t reading.  It gives me the drive to want to become a better writer.  I gave a thanks to all of you dearest dimwits who stuck around in the previous post, but this is a thanks to those that left.  It’s about to get real fun around here again.

One last thing.  I’d like to reconcile with WordAds if possible.  I don’t like to bite the hand that feeds me $7.33.   They don’t have to pay anything.  It’s a nice service, really.  So here’s an ad I made for them to promote their business and try to smooth things over.

Take care you dimwits.  I will do the same.

l,500 Followers – A Thank You

Ring the bells and sound the alarms you ding dong, dingalings!  1,500 incredibly thoughtful, kind, lovely, and delightfully warped followers.  1,500.  Wow, I’m at a loss for words.  Totally just kidding.  I’m never at a loss for words, as I’m sure you’re all well aware of by now.

Well, let me say this.  You have all been so kind with your comments, likes, shares, and confessing your undying love to me.  It’s still pretty wild for me, because as I was briefly explaining to my virtual love, my Nelly, my tumbleweed, AKA The Lunatic.  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.  Let’s back that train up.  Could it be?!  Has the Dimwit found his Juliet?

No, never mind.  Ixnay on the train backing up.  It’s more mysterious to let it be, and a story’s gotta have a little mystery to it too, you know.  Can’t all be wiener jokes and tall tales, although rest assured, this story will have plenty more of both.  If you’d like to know who the mystery gal is, then I suggest you click the link to find out.  She’s a dear soul, a terrific writer, a fantastic virtual french kisser, a so-so Macarena dancer, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my tumbleweed bakes the best damn virtual Snickerdoodle cookies that a dimwit did ever taste!

My sweet, tumbleweed.  My loving dear.  May the winds be favorable and kind to a dimwitted dingleberry, and may the winds blow(job) a tumbleweed my way someday soon.  Well, my Mom reads this blog, so on that note I better get moving on.

I did just want to take a moment to say thanks for reading and following.  I’m blown away by the response.   But of course a thank you is never enough for a madman like myself.  So how’s about a photo of the dimwit dingaling just hanging out, having a grand, old time at the Chuck E. Cheeses, kicking back in the command post as the spirally tube gets swallowed up by fiery flames, while wearing a beanie propelor hat with the nice, kind message on the front “Blow Me.”  You know.  Being that I’m so blown away.

For you, my fellow dimwits.  Thank you.  

I would imagine your refrigerators must be getting pretty full by now with all these too hot to handle images.  And that my friends, was a lyrical reference to my second favorite rapper of all time – Vanilla Ice.  My favorite being Bubba Sparxxx, of course.

Figured since I’m giving shout outs to the best rappers of all time, it would be a good opportunity to give some shout outs to some other super cool bloggers that you should check out.  Tell ’em the Dimwit sent ya, and ask them where my money is if you would be so kind.

1.  Don of All Trades – Pretty much alls you need to know about this guy is he nicknamed his kids Ace, Cool, and G$.  Like many of us, Don sometimes acts like a tough guy through his writing, but in all actuality, he’s one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.  You’ll enjoy his stories, so be sure to go check them out.

2.  John Balaya – I try to give shout outs that cover a variety of topics.  I believe it’s important that we all strive to be well-rounded individuals.  John is this round’s inspirational recommendation.  He’s an openly gay man who’s been living with HIV for over 23 years now.  John lost his father when he was 14, his brother shortly afterwards, and he is currently taking care of his 90 year old mother.  John writes about these topics and many more with a lot of heart, so I ask that you go read them with an open mind.

3. Alexandra Pullen – I have an art background, but I’ve lost touch with the art world over the years.  It’s been nice visiting a lot of your blogs, and getting a bit of a refresher course. When I visited Alexandra’s blog, I was viewing some of her amazing works when I came across her “Houses” series.   I’ve never seen anything like it.  She makes these vast cities out of tiny paper receipts and candy wrappers.  It’s truly breathtaking.  It’s my favorite series of hers, but the rest of her works are amazing too.  Please go check them out and show her some support.

4.  Ned’s Blog – Meet Ned.  His name is Ned and he has a hilarious blog.  Ned is just one of those super, cool guys that’s impossible to hate.  So go ahead haters.  Give it a go and try to prove me wrong.  And for all you lovers out there, you’ll want to give it a go as well, because Ned is just a lovable guy who writes with a lot of humor, and occasionally he says something smart.  Emphasis on occasionally (joking Ned!!)

That concludes this round of shout outs.  If you’d like a shout out in the next round, then shoot me a message and we’ll try to make it so.  I’m all for helping out whenever I can, so no need to be bashful if you’d really like your blog to get some more exposure.  It would be my pleasure.

Well, we lost a few dimwits along the way which happens, but the rest of you are hangin’ tough.  And that my friends, was a lyrical reference to my second favorite boy band of all time – New Kids On The Block.  My favorite being the Backstreet Boys, of course.  I’ve got the next month of posts all written up, which includes more famous autocorrected quotes, Photoshop tutorials, and other funny bits.  So feel free to visit whenever you’ve got some time, because I’ll be posting regularly.

Thanks again.  It’s really cool being connected to so many of you amazing dimwits.  Should be some good times ahead.

Yours fondly,

Chris Hinton
The Captain of the Dimwits

500 Followers – A Thank You

Well slap my ass and call me Sally, fellow dimwits.  500 uber sexy, wonderfully talented, witty, kind, and delightfully mischievous followers.  I can die peacefully now.  Seriously though, slap my ass or pinch me, because that’s pretty cool.

Once again, a simple thank you didn’t seem to be thanks enough.  I was thinking of another way to show my appreciation for all the wonderful feedback, kind remarks, and marriage proposals that I’ve received this past week.  So how’s about an autographed photo of me wearing obnoxiously short shorts, a pair of old grandpa blue blockers, an official NBA logo headband, and a cut-off T-shirt revealing just a touch of my fatty McFat McDonald’s french fries eating fat gut.

Yep, that outta do it.  Thanks, dimwits.  It means a lot.

So originally when I started this blog, I was going to mainly post musings about my daily life.  Things like my favorite ice cream flavor, how the wind was really windy today, and how this girl I really like named Beyoncé told me that she thinks we’re soul mates.  You know. Traditional diary type stuff, so that’s why I named my blog the Dimwit Diary.  But I’ve come to realize that I don’t really write much about my daily life musings.  My writing is mostly about feathered hair, whether it be mine or Sally Jessy Raphael’s.

It’s probably for the better that I stick to writing outlandish, made-up stories and keep creating Photoshop madness instead of the daily journal thing.  There was a time when I used to write about my daily life, and it was an incredibly drudging read.   Here is an example of one of my old, boring ramblings.

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Dearest Delightful Diary,

Today I went to Barnes & Nobles to do some writing.  Wait, is it Noble or Nobles.  I always get that so confused.  Anyway, dearest diary of mine, sweet leather bound entrusted confidant, it doesn’t really matter if the Noble is pluralized or not.  The reason that I’m writing is to tell you about two things that happened to me today.

#1)  I ordered a grande Americano, extra hot, no cream, and the gal who wrung me up took my name down as Chris.  While they were making the drink, I went to secure a table, and not 30 seconds later, I heard them call out my name.

“Chrissy.  Your drink is ready.”

I thought, now those rude sonsofbitches calling me a girl’s name like that.  I mean, Chris can be a man or a woman’s name, sure.  But clearly I am a man, and to shout out Chrissy in public like that was humiliating.  It brought back all of those nightmarish memories from high school when the other boys used call me Chrissy and told me to tuck my wiener like a vagina, because I’m a little sissy girl.  You know how high school boys can be so mean sometimes.

Well, I went to get my drink and give them a piece of my mind, but it turns out the girl who ordered before me’s name is Chrissy.  Isn’t that hysterical, Double D?!!  I had a good old laugh with the barista over that one, but not before I called her a skanky ho and we got things all sorted out.

#2)  Later in the day, the gentlemen sitting next to me had to go urinate.  He musta thought I looked like a trusting soul, so he asked if I wouldn’t mind watching his stuff.  I told him that’d be fine, unless he was going number two, because I wasn’t going to sit there all day looking at his computer while he squeezed out a turd.  He assured me that he was going number one, and after I made him do a pinky swear promise, I begrudgingly agreed to keep an eye on his stuff.

As I’m sitting there though, I was thinking about how everyone at bookstores asks you to watch their stuff all the time.  It never fails.  I mean, what if I was a crook?  I could have a real field day stealing people’s laptops at Barnes & Noble (I asked the friendly barista; it is Noble and not Nobles.)

I was sitting there for a long, long time.  Too long.  The guy clearly lied to me, probably because he was too embarrassed to admit that he had to take a number two, so when he finally came back, I told him, “Listen here, you mathematically challenged imbecile.  That was a number two, wasn’t it?  You were dropping the kids off at the pool, and don’t try to tell me that you weren’t.”

Of course he denied the whole thing.  We got into a BIG shouting match in the bookstore.  He swore on his mother’s grave that he took a number one and not a number two, but I know better.  I’ve watched a lot of people’s stuff over the years, and that was the very last time I’ll ever do it again.

Oh – I forgot.  One more thing.

#3)  Today the wind was VERY windy and I ate a pistachio flavored ice cream.

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Okay, so maybe it’s not all that boring, but I enjoy writing the variety bits better.   I’ve also enjoyed reading through some of your daily musings whenever I get a moment to do so.

Lots of good stuff coming up on the dimwit docket, so stay tuned.  I’ll be sharing excerpts from a romance novel that I’m writing, more Photoshop tutorials, a ridiculous advice column called “Chris Cares,” and some other general silliness.  Hopefully it will give ya a good laugh, maybe even some coffee spitting, belly-busting fits as well.  The world could stand a little more laughter and I’m just the right kind of simple-minded bonehead to deliver.

Thanks again for reading and following, you dimwitted half-breeds.

Yours fondly,

Chris Hinton
The Captain of the Dimwits