3,000 Dimwits – A Thank You

Double your pleasure, double your fun.  It’s a double post kinda day.  Doubly exciting.  And to what do we owe this pleasure, you ask?  Welp, we reached 3,000 dimwits, and going strong.   Most excellent, dear readers.  Thanks and double thanks.

*   *   *

My brother texted me the other day – the brother that I always talk about.  He goes by the one syllable name, Joe, but I call him “Broseph.”  It’s a play on his full name Joseph and him being my brother incase you didn’t put two and two together.  I’m terrible at math myself, so don’t feel so bad if it went over your head.

Broseph reads my blog regularly.  He said in the text, “You’re really finding your voice.  And it’s fantastic.”  Then he went on to say something about hurry the hell up and write my book.  To which I replied something like, “Thanks dude!  I’m close, oh so very close.”  Then I said something lame about how my blog is like a very rough sketchbook, and the book will be my finished painting.  It was LAME-O.  Lamesville, USA.  But it’s kinda the truth, I hope.

When I write on my blog, it’s just me dumping my thoughts onto a screen real quick.  I don’t put much time into it.  I don’t go back and fix things.  I just sit down and write whatever’s on my mind at the time.  Let it all gush out.  I’m just as surprised as you are to see what comes out of my mouth, believe me.  I can’t believe some of the stuff I write.  What a dimwit dingaling!!!  The Captain of the Dimwits, for sure.

Well, this is a post mainly to say thanks to those who read my madness even though I just thanked you a few posts ago.  It really does mean a lot to me.  It also meant a lot that my brother told me he’s eagerly anticipating my finished book, because unlike me, he actually does read a lot of books.  He knows a good writer when he reads one, and he insists that I have what it takes.  He tells me I have something special, so I take his word for it.  It’s a very trusted word.

I sure hope Broseph is right.  I sure hope I have a doozy in me.  I think I do.  I’ve begun saving up money to take off time next year to give it a stab.  See what happens.  And today, I just lined up a cabin to stay for free out in North Carolina.  I saw photos, and it looks like the perfect kind of place to write a beautiful painting.  I’m going for a masterpiece.  One for the ages.  Or at the very least, one to stick on top of the toilet for when you’re bored.

*   *   *

Of course with me, saying thanks is never quite enough, so I went ahead and did up a nice photo to include on the inside jacket of the book.  I don’t know.  I may play around with it some more.  Photoshop a parrot on my shoulder, or maybe an eye patch, or something more Pirate-esque.  It needs a little something more, but it’ll have to do for now.  I autographed the photo for you and everything.  When the real book comes out, the very first book I’ll autograph will be for Broseph.  I have to think more of what I want to say, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something.

Here you go, you dimwits.  Thanks.

And one last quick thing speaking of autographs.  A while back, I told you about how I’m sorta friends with Stephen Chbosky – the author of “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  I met him on the movie version of the book two years ago and I stayed in touch somewhat.

Well, I recently asked Stephen to autograph a book for my former roommates’ newly adopted, teenage daughter.  The teenage gal is a big fan of Perks.  My former roomie sent me a text a week or so ago.  She included a photo of her daughter just after she opened up the package to reveal the signed book.  Her daughter had her hands clasped tight together, held close to her chest.  Almost like a position of an answered prayer.  Her face was pure glee.  She was crawling out of her skin with delight.

When I finish my book, I’m going to sign it and do the same sorts of things as Stephen.  I hope it will be a light for others.  I hope it will be a spark for certain people that desperately need a light or a spark.  I hope to make a newly adopted teenager’s day when she’s going through a really rough spell.  I hope my book will be an answered prayer for some.

I sure hope my brother is right.  Thanks Broseph.  Double thanks.

Freshly Pressed – SMACK!

My, my, my.  Would you lookie here.  Seems things just got mighty fresh up in this crazy madhouse.  I’ve just been Freshly Pressed for the first time.  Let’s hope it goes a little better than another first time of mine that ended up with a lot of crying and a swift slap to the face.  SMACK!  You pig!  How was I supposed to know that girls don’t like it when a person makes oinking noises just as the mood starts to turn romantic?  I was only trying to keep things loose and fun.

My, my, my.  Freshly Pressed.  Pretty stinking fresh all right.

I was told to dust off the welcome mat and be prepared for a lot of new readers.   I just started working on a new TV pilot and it’s been kicking my ass.  70 hours of work in the past 5 days.   My apologies, but I didn’t have a whole lot of time to prepare.  I’ve barely had time to eat or to sleep, but of course I did make time for a few tall glasses of whiskey last night.  I got rip roaring drunk with my former room mate, and we had a grand, old time from the parts of the evening that I can remember.  It made for a very fun 14 hours of work today.  And that is why I’m the dimmest of all the dimwits.  A real, genuine, dingaling ding dong to the max.  Better get used to it.

For you newbies, I’d advise you to read the post I just did called “Chris Hinton’s Pathway To Success.”  It’s as good a place to start as any.  If you make it through that one, well, then you’re just the sorta company we like to keep around here.   Crazy and mad and fun, and plenty of oinking noises to go around for everyone.  SMACK!  It’s a real nice crew of diverse folks, and I think you’ll all get along just fine if you choose to stick around.

Welp, you dimwits.  I’m tired and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.  I was just gonna leave it at thank you, but as is the case with me, a simple thank you is never quite enough to show my appreciation.

Freshly Pressed is recycling an old post, so thought I’d go ahead and do some recycling of my own.  So how’s about an old photo of me wearing a sleeveless fur sweater that I bought from the women’s section of the thrift store, showing off the chest hairs a little bit for a sexy, fresh photo shoot I did for a Brut by Fabergé men’s cologne ad.  It’s autographed for you and everything, so feel free to pin it to your fridge or hang it in your cubicle at work.  For you my fellow dimwits.  A big thank you.

I’ll be replying to comments, mixing it up a bit with you rowdy, kind folks whenever I get some time.  It might be a while.  But for now, I have to polish off a tall glass of Franzia boxed wine to cap off a very successful day.  Let’s hope I don’t spill it all over my bed like the last time.  Wine is impossible to get out of your sheets, and it looks like a crime scene took place in my bed.  This is probably a bad time to mention to the new readers that I’m single.  Screw it.  I’m going with it and letting ‘er rip.  Gotta run.  Welcome.

l,500 Followers – A Thank You

Ring the bells and sound the alarms you ding dong, dingalings!  1,500 incredibly thoughtful, kind, lovely, and delightfully warped followers.  1,500.  Wow, I’m at a loss for words.  Totally just kidding.  I’m never at a loss for words, as I’m sure you’re all well aware of by now.

Well, let me say this.  You have all been so kind with your comments, likes, shares, and confessing your undying love to me.  It’s still pretty wild for me, because as I was briefly explaining to my virtual love, my Nelly, my tumbleweed, AKA The Lunatic.  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.  Let’s back that train up.  Could it be?!  Has the Dimwit found his Juliet?

No, never mind.  Ixnay on the train backing up.  It’s more mysterious to let it be, and a story’s gotta have a little mystery to it too, you know.  Can’t all be wiener jokes and tall tales, although rest assured, this story will have plenty more of both.  If you’d like to know who the mystery gal is, then I suggest you click the link to find out.  She’s a dear soul, a terrific writer, a fantastic virtual french kisser, a so-so Macarena dancer, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my tumbleweed bakes the best damn virtual Snickerdoodle cookies that a dimwit did ever taste!

My sweet, tumbleweed.  My loving dear.  May the winds be favorable and kind to a dimwitted dingleberry, and may the winds blow(job) a tumbleweed my way someday soon.  Well, my Mom reads this blog, so on that note I better get moving on.

I did just want to take a moment to say thanks for reading and following.  I’m blown away by the response.   But of course a thank you is never enough for a madman like myself.  So how’s about a photo of the dimwit dingaling just hanging out, having a grand, old time at the Chuck E. Cheeses, kicking back in the command post as the spirally tube gets swallowed up by fiery flames, while wearing a beanie propelor hat with the nice, kind message on the front “Blow Me.”  You know.  Being that I’m so blown away.

For you, my fellow dimwits.  Thank you.  

I would imagine your refrigerators must be getting pretty full by now with all these too hot to handle images.  And that my friends, was a lyrical reference to my second favorite rapper of all time – Vanilla Ice.  My favorite being Bubba Sparxxx, of course.

Figured since I’m giving shout outs to the best rappers of all time, it would be a good opportunity to give some shout outs to some other super cool bloggers that you should check out.  Tell ’em the Dimwit sent ya, and ask them where my money is if you would be so kind.

1.  Don of All Trades – Pretty much alls you need to know about this guy is he nicknamed his kids Ace, Cool, and G$.  Like many of us, Don sometimes acts like a tough guy through his writing, but in all actuality, he’s one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.  You’ll enjoy his stories, so be sure to go check them out.

2.  John Balaya – I try to give shout outs that cover a variety of topics.  I believe it’s important that we all strive to be well-rounded individuals.  John is this round’s inspirational recommendation.  He’s an openly gay man who’s been living with HIV for over 23 years now.  John lost his father when he was 14, his brother shortly afterwards, and he is currently taking care of his 90 year old mother.  John writes about these topics and many more with a lot of heart, so I ask that you go read them with an open mind.

3. Alexandra Pullen – I have an art background, but I’ve lost touch with the art world over the years.  It’s been nice visiting a lot of your blogs, and getting a bit of a refresher course. When I visited Alexandra’s blog, I was viewing some of her amazing works when I came across her “Houses” series.   I’ve never seen anything like it.  She makes these vast cities out of tiny paper receipts and candy wrappers.  It’s truly breathtaking.  It’s my favorite series of hers, but the rest of her works are amazing too.  Please go check them out and show her some support.

4.  Ned’s Blog – Meet Ned.  His name is Ned and he has a hilarious blog.  Ned is just one of those super, cool guys that’s impossible to hate.  So go ahead haters.  Give it a go and try to prove me wrong.  And for all you lovers out there, you’ll want to give it a go as well, because Ned is just a lovable guy who writes with a lot of humor, and occasionally he says something smart.  Emphasis on occasionally (joking Ned!!)

That concludes this round of shout outs.  If you’d like a shout out in the next round, then shoot me a message and we’ll try to make it so.  I’m all for helping out whenever I can, so no need to be bashful if you’d really like your blog to get some more exposure.  It would be my pleasure.

Well, we lost a few dimwits along the way which happens, but the rest of you are hangin’ tough.  And that my friends, was a lyrical reference to my second favorite boy band of all time – New Kids On The Block.  My favorite being the Backstreet Boys, of course.  I’ve got the next month of posts all written up, which includes more famous autocorrected quotes, Photoshop tutorials, and other funny bits.  So feel free to visit whenever you’ve got some time, because I’ll be posting regularly.

Thanks again.  It’s really cool being connected to so many of you amazing dimwits.  Should be some good times ahead.

Yours fondly,

Chris Hinton
The Captain of the Dimwits

l,000 Followers – A Thank You

Well, hells bells and cockle shells.  1,000 followers.  1,000 real, genuine funny, ornery, thoughtful, and real live wire dimwits.  Time to break out the good stuff.  I usually only reserve the good stuff for when I have to sit through three hours of my sister’s ballet recitals, but this is a real cause for celebration.  It’s time to break out the $12 bottle of Kessler.   Salute, bottoms up, all that good stuff, and a big cheers to you all.

So you’re maybe tired of hearing it, but I think it’s important to say thanks.   It’s a nice word to say:  thanks.  It just kind of rolls off the tongue nicely, so thanks again to all you dimwits.  It really means a lot, and I’ve appreciated all your comments, likes, and nude photographs that you’ve sent to me.  I read all your comments, but I don’t always get a chance to respond.   But I do try my best, and if I’ve missed one, a thousand apologies.  Make that 1,001 just to be safe, and 1,002 if you are a siamese twin.   I’m sorry about your luck, but hoping all goes well for you and you.

Check this out, dimwits.  By now, we’ve weeded out the kittens from the tigers.  And those of you that are still hanging around here are clearly the tigers.  Those of you that don’t mind a little cursing, a little jousting, some poking, a little sparing, a lot of madness, and the occasional mention of wiener tucked vaginas.  But always in a good, fun way, and always with best intentions, as best an intention a wiener tucked vagina can have, I suppose.

So this is my thanks to the 1,000 followers.

To the tigers, the dimwits, the dingalings, the ding dongs, to the tingleberries.  Thanks for having a good old, rip-roaring time with me.  It’s been a lot of fun, I hope.  Maybe even a few other things that you might’ve needed at that very moment.

So how’s about an autographed African Safari photograph of myself posed as a tiger, wearing Randy Macho Man Savage sunglasses, with a few gents in the background trying to snap off a good shot of the old, ding dong, dingaling, dimwit himself in action.   Don’t say I never gave you nothing.  You dimwits.

Turned out kinda nice.  Perhaps a good one for the high school lockers or the fire place mantle.  Anyway, I wanted to give a few plugs.  In the rapper community, we lyrical gunslingers like to refer to them as “shout outs.”  So here they go.  I’ve made the links in separate pop-up menus, so there’s no excuse not to click.

1.  The Real Housewives of Lancaster PA – If the title doesn’t do it for you, than the video surely will.  Written, acted, and produced by a dear friend, who at one point was my intern on a little, old movie starring  Jake Gyllenhaal & Anne Hathaway that you mighta heard of called “Love and Other Drugs.”  My talented friend’s real name is Susan Rankus, but I sometimes still like to refer to her as “Hey Intern,” which is what I called her the entire course of the 4 month shoot.  And we’re still friends.  Check out the video, it’s hilarious.  *Spoiler alert* – Amish girl packing dildos in her suitcase.

2.  Cancer:  My Journey Back to Health-Kicking & Screaming the Whole Damn Way – Yes, well by now the gig is up.  It’s true.  I’m not a dimwit.  Not in the traditional sense of the word, meaning that I’m a dum-dum.  I mean, I am a dum-dum.  I spend hours writing reviews about unicorns and Ting Tings.  Beautiful words, poetic even for a lousy review of an online product on Amazon that nobody will ever see, when I should be penning a classic instead.  Who does that nonsense?  Dimwits.  Dimwits do it.  But I also have enough sense to know that when someone is willing to bare their soul for the benefit of others going through a similar struggle, well you’d have to be a true dimwit to pass up an opportunity to give that person a plug.  A shout out to you, beautiful, bald-headed Laura Lynn.  Kick some ass and take some names.

3.  The Boy Hero –  Meet Jason.  He likes cats, long walks on the beach, orange flavored Gatorade, miniature putt-putt golf, and sculpting totem poles out of western red cedar wood on the weekends.  Ladies?  Totally just kidding.  Made that whole thing up.  Told ya I like to tell tall tales.  But he does seem like a general, all around good dude.  And he’s in the process of writing a few screenplays, so I have to give a nod to a fella’ working in the biz when I can.  Go read his stuff pretty please with an orange Gatorade on top.  (You better hire my ass, Jason, and make the $50 for the plug made out to CASH.)

Welp, that does it for shout outs this round.  If I make to 1,500 maybe I’ll do up another super sexxxy photo.  Lord knows I have a million of them lying around.  I’ll throw up some more shout outs too, cause I know most of you are trying to get your stuff seen just the same as the majority of us bloggers.  I can’t promise, but if you’d like a special Dimwit shout out, send me a link, shoot me a message, and we’ll see if we can’t make it happen.

I do appreciate this whole community aspect about blogging.  Scratch my balls, I’ll scratch your balls, or however that saying goes.   I appreciate all the shares, reblogs and reading my stories to your poor sap for husbands.   It’s really sweet and humbling to me, because I’m just some messy haired guy sitting in his apartment wearing his Tweety Bird boxer briefs, with the shades drawn open nice and wide for all the neighbors to see, writing fictional stories about the Baha Men, ect., and it’s cool when you write words, if you’re able to somehow choose the right ones, they can mean the difference from someone having a sour day or a nice day.  I hope you all are having a nice one.

Cheers to ball scratching and to dimwits.  I bid thee tigers farewell for now.  Go make some noise and wake up those darling kittens.  Give the world a shake.  Give it a rattle.  Have a ball.  You might as well.  You’re not here for very long.  So go have some fun, tigers, and I will do the same….thanks again.

ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR