2012 Mayan Edition Wall Calendar

Well, you dimwits asked for it, so fine.  You’re the bosses.  Here’s a wall calendar featuring twelve, hot and sexy poses of your’s truly.  Make sure you ladies and gay gentlemen are sitting down.  I can’t be held responsible for any sudden heart attacks.

I created the wall calendar back in 2012 when I thought the world was going to end.  The theme of the calendar centers around death and destruction, but it turns out the Mayans suck at math just the same as me.  The world was spared from doom.  What a bunch of losers.  They must have had a similar Algebra teacher as me in high school.  Mr. Glessner was cool and all, but he was also always hungover.  Loud noises and teaching math gave him a headache, so we usually just played paper football during class instead.  It’s no wonder I’m a total dimwit.  That’s your tax dollars hard at work.

The wall calendar took me an entire week to Photoshop at 12 hour days.  I probably spent close to 80 hours making the damn thing.  Halfway through creating it, I wondered if this would be one of those times when I’m laying on my deathbed, reflecting back on my long and lustrous life, that I would wish I had that week back.  Wishing that my life would have been different.

Yeah, probably.  But too late.  Here you go, you dimwits.  Perhaps I’ll create a new wall calendar for next year in time for the holidays, and you can give it as a nice gift to yourself or your significant others.  Wouldn’t that be something.  It surely would.

001 January Mayan Calendar002 February Mayan Calendar003 March Mayan Calendar004 April Mayan Calendar005 May Mayan Calendar006 June Mayan Calendar007 July Mayan Calendar008 August Mayan Calendar009 September Mayan Calendar010 October Mayan Calendar011 November Mayan Calendar012 December Mayan Calendar

An Essay by Ralph: How Was My Summer Vacation?


How Was My Summer Vacation?
By Ralph

Probably the single most best thing that happened to me this summer was goin to the ZZ Top concert with my Gram, Uncle Rodger, and two of my counsins.  Pap didn’t go cause he says listenin to that kind of crap gives him ulcers.  Uncle Rodger kept urking him on and calling him Suzie Q, but I just says, “Fine. Pap don’t want to go see the greatest rock band of all time, then it’s his loss Uncle Rodger.”

You shoulda seen it.  ZZ Top was just beltin out one classic hit after another, but there was this one song that I really wanted them to play, so I finally screamed it out, “Why don’t yins play Pearl Necklace!” And sure enough, seven songs later, what song do they start playing?  Pearl Necklace.  Uncle Rodger told me, “Hey queerbait.  Do you even know what a pearl necklace is?”  I says, “What do you think?  That I was born in a cave and raised by friendly wolves?  Of course I know what a pearl necklace is.”  He argued that no I don’t.  He leans in so Gram can’t hear and he tells me, “A pearl necklace is when a guy splooges on a woman’s neck.”

So now I know what a pearl necklace is.  I guess you learn something new everyday, especially with my idiotic Uncle Rodger around, that’s for sure.   So how was your summer Mrs. McMinn?  Did you take any cool vacations?


Ralph received the following note on his essay from his 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. McMinn:

Ralph, comments like these are appalling. I spoke with the Principal about your behavior, and we will be having a conference meeting concerning this matter.