Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions Progress Report

Well, well.  We’re already over the halfway mark for the year 2013 and it’ll soon be August.  It’s hard to believe.  Time flies when you’re having fun.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of New Year’s resolutions.  Just thought I’d take this opportunity to share the list and give a quick progress report for those that might be interested.  For those that are not interested, I’ve included a link to view Def Leppard’s official music video for “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”  Click here for some of the craziest, coolest one armed drumming action you’ve ever seen, and for some of the biggest mullets in rock history.

I’ve put a check mark by the completed resolutions and indicated the outstanding ones in red.  Let’s get rocked, Def Leppard aficionados.  One armed drumroll please…

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Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions:

#1)  Get a pretty cool haircut just like the movie stars  ( √ )
#2)  Learn how to play Eddie Van Halen guitar solos on a keytar so that I can impress my friends at parties  ( √ )
#3)  Eat more celery and kale for dinner instead of chili cheese dogs and one pound burritos ( √ )
#4)  Get in shape so that I can bend down to tie my shoes just like the “good old days” ( √ )
#5)  Do at least one thing a day that scares me (ie: doing math, saying “Bloody Mary” in the mirror three times in a row, or listening to a Nicki Minaj song the whole way through) ( √ )
#6)  Visit a wax museum  ( No )
#7)  Visit a non-wax museum ( √ )
#8) Buy new car mats  ( √ )
#9) Clean out the fridge ( √ )
#10) Get married  ( No )

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Welp, there you have it.  Eight down, two to go.  I still have plenty of more time before the year winds down, but I’d like to keep my foot on the gas pedal.  Crank this mutha up a few decibels.  I’m a real go-getter.

There’s a bunch of newbies around here (welcome you dimwits).  Perhaps some of you are single ladies?  Feel free to check out my latest rejected Match.com dating profile if you haven’t already, and let’s see if we can’t knock the last two off the list.

I’ll see one of you lucky gals at the wax museum.   Look for me.  I’ll be the one wearing a burgundy turtleneck tucked neatly inside his daisy dukes.  Make the most of the remaining year, you all.  I will do the same.  Hugs and kisses.

Rejected Match.com Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> A Slam Dunk

Hello, ladies.  Hello, there dimwits.  Hello there once again ladies.   So I made this Match.com profile and it got rejected.  Nothing like hopping onto a dating website to make a love connection, and receiving the first rejection right out of the gate.

SUBMISSION REJECTED.

Whatever, it’s their loss.  That’s what I typed in the comments section of their online customer service form, and then signed it, “Suck on a fat one, you dongs.”

I didn’t get a reply, so I figured I’d give it a shot here on the Dimwit Diary.   C’mon fate, whatch’ya got for me Universe?  The Captain’s on the rebound and he’s looking to score a put back.  Fingers crossed.  Here goes nothing…but hopefully something.

Hello.  My name is Chris and I enjoy wearing Aspen cologne.  Some of my other favorite fragrances are Brut by Fabergé, Claiborne Curve, Cool Water, Burberry, Tiffany for Men, and Stetson Black.  I guess if you were to categorize me by any one cologne, it would have to be Stetson Black – the sexy, sophisticated fragrance of the American West, with a blend of warm spices & fresh woods.

I have many hobbies and interests.  I enjoy frisbee golf, hacky sack, drum circles, clog dancing, planking, spelunking, spackling, bird watching, barbecue sauce, laser tag, hosting Tupperware parties with my crazy, yet lovable Aunt Leanoa, Segway tours, horse riding, horseshoes, horseradish, horse whispering, horses, dynamite bass fishing, Home Depot, Marco Polo, Ralph Lauren Polo, Polo Chicken, Mexico,  long walks on the beach, Dentyne Ice, flash mobs, flash animation, Flash Gordon, Jeff Gordon, Gordon Ramsey, pickles, reciting trivia facts on the Bailundo Revolt of 1902, building sandcastles, White Castle, my friend John Castle, curly straws, roller skating, ant farms, organic farms, horse farms, horse races, horse shows, horse jockeys, horse basketball, horsing around, horses, jalapeño peppers, Scattergories, allegories, John Tesh, and performing my infamous Tickle Me Elmo impersonation at fancy dinner parties, just to name a few.

I am a real movie buff.  I have purchased over 1,000 illegal copies of DVDs from a Chinaman down the street, but my all time favorite movie is “The Legend of Bagger Vance” starring Will Smith.  While I tend to enjoy most genres of movies, my favorite movies are the ones that depict the story of down-and-out golfers who discover the meaning of life through a mystical caddy.   Yours should be, too.

I was ready to give up on dating all together after the previous girl I dated turned out to be on America’s Top 100 Wanted Criminals, and I had to turn her in after we finished eating a delicious dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, then I saw her face plastered on all 70 of their giant ass, flat screen TVs.   I was through with dating, but a friend of mine told me to try this dating site out to “Score you a put back, home slizzle.”  I still wasn’t convinced, however.

I’ve never been much of a balla’ as my favorite rap artist, Bubba Sparxxx, likes to spit mad rhymes about, but I’m ready to get back in the game after moving back in with my mother at age 35, and holding many late night conversations with her while playing five-card Cribbage, sipping citrus lavender hot tea, and sharing inspirational, heartwarming tales of triumphant love and fuzzy romance.

I am looking for a boo who is nice, down to earth, has great penmanship, a winning smile, a passion for turtlenecks, can recite all the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby, prefers Jack Link’s Original Hickory Smokehouse beef jerky, has sandy blond hair, enjoys playing teacher / naughty school boy role playing, has shaved legs, trimmed mustache, a daring personality, witty charm, and can do a hilarious, British accent like my Garmin GPS.

If you have any questions, just ask me.  I’m currently unemployed and usually just sitting around the house all day watching videos of bizarre animal mating rituals, so chances are I’ll be able to get back to you pretty quickly.

Hit me up, buttercup.  This balla’ is ready to make a slam dunk.

* Serious inquiries only *

“Big Love” – Excerpt From A Hot And Steamy Romance Novel

Do you like reading hot and steamy romance novels about pounding hearts and quivering thighs as much as I do?  Doubt it.  But if you do, then you will be thrilled to know that I’ve been working on writing a romance novel of my own.

The romance novel is titled “Big Love” and it’s a love story about a guy and gal who meet in an online chat room.  They hit it off, chat back and forth for several months.  The virtual lovebirds have only one rule:  no photos or physical descriptions of one another allowed whatsoever.  They’ve committed to testing out the theory that love is blind and that true love doesn’t concern itself with physical appearances.

After several months of online courtship, the two decide to finally meet up in person.  Kevin White, a nutritionist and health coach, is in for a BIG surprise when he finally meets the virtual love of his life, Nelly Barnes, a Wal-Mart sales associate.  The following excerpt is from their first meet-up.  Check it, yo.

“Big Love”
Excerpt From A Hot And Steamy Romance Novel
by Christopher Hinton

It had been months of correspondence, back and forth emails, phone calls, and handwritten letters.  The time was finally here.  I was going to see her.  In the flesh.  Face to face.  I was finally going to get to squeeze her tight, and if I had it my way, I might never let her go.   My sweet Nelly.  My true love.

I was nervous as hell.  I showed up at the coffee shop as per our arrangement, only I arrived two hours earlier than expected.

I gulped down three cups of coffee and an espresso while I was waiting.  I don’t drink coffee.  I was jitters.  I was a bundle of nerves.  Where is she?  Where is my cute as a button, Nelly, my precious baby lamb?  She was going to be here any second now.  I ordered another cup of coffee and sat back down, waiting.

Not long afterwards, in walked Nelly.  There she was.  It was my bunny angel.  I knew it was her by the way Nelly described the outfit so perfectly in a prior email – she said that she would be wearing black stretch pants and a yellow puppy dog T-shirt with the clever caption printed on the front, “I Ruff You.”

Yes, it was my Nelly all right, but she didn’t look like the girl that I had spent countless hours sculpting, and forming and painting a picture of in my mind.  If I’m being frank, Nelly was about 240 pounds heavier and carried quite a few more extra chins.  The girl in the painting also wasn’t wearing flip flops and didn’t have her hair pulled back into a moo cow Scrunchie.

I’m a putz.  I’m a dope.  A real honest-to-goodness imbecile.  The first thing that shot through my brain and out of my mouth before I had a chance to put a silencer on that nasty, devil of a tongue of mine came spewing out.  I fired a bullet.  Boy, did I ever.

I took one look at Nelly and I screamed “Holy shit!” across the entire way.  They heard me in Alaska.  Christ, they heard me in Japan.  Every person in the joint was looking at me, snapping and stretching their heads around like rubber bands.  I don’t blame them.  I have a bad habit of cursing – I’ll be the first to admit it, my pastor would be the second –  but cursing in public is a vile thing if you ask me, especially when there are children present.

I mouthed an apology to the mothers.  I meant it, I was sorry, but what was I going to say to my poor Nelly?  Sorry wouldn’t cut it.  Not for my sweet pookums, but it wasn’t like I had much time to give it thought.

Nelly gave a wave and walked over to my table.  She smiled, laughed nervously under her breath.  She was all jitters too.  She spoke.  A crackling, mousy voice came out of that mammoth body.  It was much different than the voice I had heard over the phone.

“Hi there, stranger.  So good to finally see you.  Sorry, I’m shaking.  I didn’t think that I would be this nervous.”

I said hi there right back.  Told her it was okay, I was nervous too.  We hugged.  It felt warm.  She had a question in regards to my shouting fit, however.

“So was that a good holy shit or a bad holy shit when I walked in the door?”

I never knew there was such a thing as a good holy shit, but I was relieved to be given a choice in this case.  I chose to go with a good.  It was good.  Nelly was – she was different than I had fantasized about in my dreams, but it didn’t matter.  That’s love.  It’s mad and it’s crazy, and if it’s right, it doesn’t give a damn about a size or a shape.

My Nelly was no ankle-biting poodle, and our love was no tiny, puppy love.  No, Nelly was a big fat ass elephant of a greyhound dog if that makes any sense, and I decided right then and there that it was all right with me.  I must be mad and crazy.  It was love for certain, and after I decided a little bit more, it was even better than being all right.  It was downright ecstasy.

The rest of the afternoon was nice.  We laughed.  We nearly fell off our chairs.  The tongue behaved, settled down and so did the nerves.  I can’t remember ever being happier than I was in that moment.  It had been a long time since I had been happy, which is a sad thing for a person to say, but it’s true.

No more dark and lonely nights.  Nelly was my sun.  She lit up the room, she lit up the sky.  Night time no longer existed as long as she was around. There was only day.

I held my Nelly tight.  It was a good holy shit.  It was a good goddamn.

I found my big love, all right.  I decided I was never letting go.