A Letter From Ralph – Life On The Funny Farm

So who’s the cross-eyed, snaggletoothed, speedo wearing hunka hunka burning flames?  That’s my good pal, Ralph.  Click the link here for a brief introduction if you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting the wacky feller yet.
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March 19, 2013

Dear Chris the Buttmuncher,

Whad’ya say buddy old pal?  How the heck you been?  I figured I mine as well fill you in on everything that’s been going on round here since it’s been a while.

For the most part, things is pretty much the same as they’ve always been.  Pap is still grumpier than ever, Gram is still loonier than a jaybird, and Uncle Rodger still smells like he rolled around in muenster cheese and vidalia onions.  I bet the last time he stepped foot in a shower was when color TV was first invented.  Don’t tell him I said that neither, cause he’s likely to go on one of his holy tirades and throw a major hissy fit.  I swear the only reason he was put on this earth is to drink Old Milwaukees and to make my life as miserable as possible.  He’s doing a pretty good job at both of them too, trust me.

I’m still living with Gram and Pap.  It’s a royal pain in the behind most days.  Me and Pap fight like cats and dogs.  We argue over just about everything.  He wants to listen to Sinatra, I want to listen to Slipknot.  He wants to watch It’s A Wonderful Life, I want to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  It goes on like this all day long.  And then there’s Gram.  You up and ask her anything and she just starts clucking like a chicken or barking like a puppy dog.  Pap says that’s cause her mind has gone and checked itself into the funny farm.  It is pretty funny too, I half to admit, especially when she scarfs down an entire tub of Country Crock churn style butter before I half to tell her “Gram, that ain’t the vanilla ice cream you numbskull!” She’s something else, I swear.

All my friends keep telling me “Ralph, how’s come you still live with your grandparents?  By God you’re 28 years old.  Ain’t it high tied you moved out and got your own place?” But I don’t pay no attention to them losers, because even though Gram has gone psycho and calls me Kathy instead of Ralph, at least she’ll set there and listen to my stories about slaying dragons and killing flesh eating zombies.  That’s more than I can say for Pap.  He don’t like my stories and he makes no beans about it.  It just gets us to arguing all over again.  So what else is new right?  Same old same old.

Even though living with Gram and Pap is a pain in the royal behind and we fight a lot, I’d probably be completely lost if it wasn’t for them.   It’ll be a sad day when them two geezers finally bite the dust – which I remind them could be any day now, but of course Pap don’t wanna hear it and Gram just starts laughing her head off like a pack of wild hyenas.

I guess nothing too, too major happened over the past year that I can think of except Gram got the shingles, Pap had a stroke and swears he seen Jesus, Uncle Roger spent a few months in jail, I joined a heavy metal band, and my best friend Krueger burned half his face off one afternoon cause me and him was in the backyard practicing to become fire breathers.  He had to have several surgeries but he’s okay for the most part other than his face looks like somebody took a meat cleaver to the side of it kinda like Freddy Krueger in them Nightmare on Elm Street horror flicks.  That’s actually how’s come I call him Krueger, but he don’t mind the nickname all that much.  He says having a mangled up face is a good icebreaker when it comes to meeting chicks.  Of course me and him is still single, so I don’t know that it’s helping him out all that much.  You’ll half to meet him sometime.  He’s a real character.

I guess that just about covers everything for now.  I’ll try to write you sooner the next time.  Stay outta trouble and I promise not to do the same.

Your good buddy,

Ralph

An Essay by Ralph: How Was My Summer Vacation?

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How Was My Summer Vacation?
By Ralph

Probably the single most best thing that happened to me this summer was goin to the ZZ Top concert with my Gram, Uncle Rodger, and two of my counsins.  Pap didn’t go cause he says listenin to that kind of crap gives him ulcers.  Uncle Rodger kept urking him on and calling him Suzie Q, but I just says, “Fine. Pap don’t want to go see the greatest rock band of all time, then it’s his loss Uncle Rodger.”

You shoulda seen it.  ZZ Top was just beltin out one classic hit after another, but there was this one song that I really wanted them to play, so I finally screamed it out, “Why don’t yins play Pearl Necklace!” And sure enough, seven songs later, what song do they start playing?  Pearl Necklace.  Uncle Rodger told me, “Hey queerbait.  Do you even know what a pearl necklace is?”  I says, “What do you think?  That I was born in a cave and raised by friendly wolves?  Of course I know what a pearl necklace is.”  He argued that no I don’t.  He leans in so Gram can’t hear and he tells me, “A pearl necklace is when a guy splooges on a woman’s neck.”

So now I know what a pearl necklace is.  I guess you learn something new everyday, especially with my idiotic Uncle Rodger around, that’s for sure.   So how was your summer Mrs. McMinn?  Did you take any cool vacations?

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Ralph received the following note on his essay from his 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. McMinn:

Ralph, comments like these are appalling. I spoke with the Principal about your behavior, and we will be having a conference meeting concerning this matter.

Introducing Ralph

Hi there my fellow dimwits.  I wanted to take a minute to introduce my big eared, snaggletoothed, lazy-eyed, bib overall, John Deere hat wearing friend, Ralph.

Ralph is my alter ego that I created about 6 years ago during the MySpace days.  I’m not so sure someone like me needs an alter ego, but Ralph just sorta happened like all great, happy accidents seem to do (isn’t that right Mom and Dad!).  I started Photoshopping my head onto the bodies of random photos that I found on the internet, mashed up the face a bit, played with the teeth a little, crossed up the eyes, and BOOM.  Ralph was born.

I created a MySpace and began posting funny photos, poems, essays, and letters that Ralph had written to people like the President, the Pope, his pastor, girlfriends, high school teachers, Chuck Woolery, and to the management of Ralph’s all time favorite restaurant – Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I also created a fake TV show called “Late Knight With Ralph” that Ralph filmed in his grandparents’ wood paneled basement with the help of his sweet 70 year old Gram acting as the camera operator and Ralph taking on the role of host.

Ralph would try to get famous guests on his show like Oprah Winfrey and Hulk Hogan, but he didn’t have a lot of success in the way of recruiting, so he would have to settle for interviewing whoever he could manage to scrounge up in his local neighborhood, like the post man or his crude, combative Uncle Rodger.   I would post the transcripts from the Late Knight show to Ralph’s MySpace.  It was pretty stinking hilarious.

Ralph had built up a bit of a cult following on MySpace.  He had fans from all over the US and a few fans from across the globe.  I never realized just how popular Ralph had gotten until I was working on a movie called “Smart People” in Pittsburgh.   I was talking with the production designer and somehow Ralph came up in conversation.  The designer mentioned that his high school son was a huge fan of Ralph, and he asked me if I had ever seen the Ralph MySpace.  I was kind of taken aback.  I told the him, “Yeah, I’m actually quite familiar with the site.  This is going to sound a little strange, but I’m Ralph.  I’m the guy who created the Ralph MySpace page.”

The designer was floored.  He called his son to tell him that he’s working on a movie with Ralph.  I ended up mailing his son a special gift and signed a card that included a silly note from his mischievous, snaggletoothed hero.

It was all really strange for me to be perfectly honest.  I was just some dude who sat in his bedroom writing goofy letters and making silly images on my laptop during my spare time.  I’m not sure what happened.  I guess I got overwhelmed, or felt guilty that I couldn’t respond to all the comments and messages.  It was all too much really, and I felt a tremendous sense of burden to entertain everyone.  One night, I took the MySpace site down completely.  Poof.  Just like that, Ralph was no more.

I don’t know why, but I guess I’ve been missing my hillbilly alter ego friend lately.  It was a little sad the way I had killed Ralph off without a proper goodbye to his fans.  I don’t know that I’m necessarily ready to revive Ralph completely, but I have been doing some new writing with his character.  I think it’s pretty funny, but I’ll let you guys be the judge.  I’ll be posting some new and old stuff periodically.

Just a quick set-up to give a little background information:  Ralph is 28, lives with his grandparents (Gram and Pap), feuds mightily with his Uncle Rodger, plays Dungeons and Dragons, idolizes WWF wrestling, blasts his favorite band ZZ Top, and loves, loves, loves chowing down on beef jerky.  The rest of his character I think you’ll catch on pretty quickly.