Do you like reading hot and steamy romance novels about pounding hearts and quivering thighs as much as I do? Doubt it. But if you do, then you will be thrilled to know that I’ve been working on writing a romance novel of my own.
The romance novel is titled “Big Love” and it’s a love story about a guy and gal who meet in an online chat room. They hit it off, chat back and forth for several months. The virtual lovebirds have only one rule: no photos or physical descriptions of one another allowed whatsoever. They’ve committed to testing out the theory that love is blind and that true love doesn’t concern itself with physical appearances.
After several months of online courtship, the two decide to finally meet up in person. Kevin White, a nutritionist and health coach, is in for a BIG surprise when he finally meets the virtual love of his life, Nelly Barnes, a Wal-Mart sales associate. The following excerpt is from their first meet-up. Check it, yo.
“Big Love”
Excerpt From A Hot And Steamy Romance Novel
by Christopher Hinton
It had been months of correspondence, back and forth emails, phone calls, and handwritten letters. The time was finally here. I was going to see her. In the flesh. Face to face. I was finally going to get to squeeze her tight, and if I had it my way, I might never let her go. My sweet Nelly. My true love.
I was nervous as hell. I showed up at the coffee shop as per our arrangement, only I arrived two hours earlier than expected.
I gulped down three cups of coffee and an espresso while I was waiting. I don’t drink coffee. I was jitters. I was a bundle of nerves. Where is she? Where is my cute as a button, Nelly, my precious baby lamb? She was going to be here any second now. I ordered another cup of coffee and sat back down, waiting.
Not long afterwards, in walked Nelly. There she was. It was my bunny angel. I knew it was her by the way Nelly described the outfit so perfectly in a prior email – she said that she would be wearing black stretch pants and a yellow puppy dog T-shirt with the clever caption printed on the front, “I Ruff You.”
Yes, it was my Nelly all right, but she didn’t look like the girl that I had spent countless hours sculpting, and forming and painting a picture of in my mind. If I’m being frank, Nelly was about 240 pounds heavier and carried quite a few more extra chins. The girl in the painting also wasn’t wearing flip flops and didn’t have her hair pulled back into a moo cow Scrunchie.
I’m a putz. I’m a dope. A real honest-to-goodness imbecile. The first thing that shot through my brain and out of my mouth before I had a chance to put a silencer on that nasty, devil of a tongue of mine came spewing out. I fired a bullet. Boy, did I ever.
I took one look at Nelly and I screamed “Holy shit!” across the entire way. They heard me in Alaska. Christ, they heard me in Japan. Every person in the joint was looking at me, snapping and stretching their heads around like rubber bands. I don’t blame them. I have a bad habit of cursing – I’ll be the first to admit it, my pastor would be the second – but cursing in public is a vile thing if you ask me, especially when there are children present.
I mouthed an apology to the mothers. I meant it, I was sorry, but what was I going to say to my poor Nelly? Sorry wouldn’t cut it. Not for my sweet pookums, but it wasn’t like I had much time to give it thought.
Nelly gave a wave and walked over to my table. She smiled, laughed nervously under her breath. She was all jitters too. She spoke. A crackling, mousy voice came out of that mammoth body. It was much different than the voice I had heard over the phone.
“Hi there, stranger. So good to finally see you. Sorry, I’m shaking. I didn’t think that I would be this nervous.”
I said hi there right back. Told her it was okay, I was nervous too. We hugged. It felt warm. She had a question in regards to my shouting fit, however.
“So was that a good holy shit or a bad holy shit when I walked in the door?”
I never knew there was such a thing as a good holy shit, but I was relieved to be given a choice in this case. I chose to go with a good. It was good. Nelly was – she was different than I had fantasized about in my dreams, but it didn’t matter. That’s love. It’s mad and it’s crazy, and if it’s right, it doesn’t give a damn about a size or a shape.
My Nelly was no ankle-biting poodle, and our love was no tiny, puppy love. No, Nelly was a big fat ass elephant of a greyhound dog if that makes any sense, and I decided right then and there that it was all right with me. I must be mad and crazy. It was love for certain, and after I decided a little bit more, it was even better than being all right. It was downright ecstasy.
The rest of the afternoon was nice. We laughed. We nearly fell off our chairs. The tongue behaved, settled down and so did the nerves. I can’t remember ever being happier than I was in that moment. It had been a long time since I had been happy, which is a sad thing for a person to say, but it’s true.
No more dark and lonely nights. Nelly was my sun. She lit up the room, she lit up the sky. Night time no longer existed as long as she was around. There was only day.
I held my Nelly tight. It was a good holy shit. It was a good goddamn.
I found my big love, all right. I decided I was never letting go.
The Dimwit Diary 