Chris Hinton’s Life Book – Chapter One

Get this you dimwits.  So my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child.   The adoption agency asked her to put together what’s called a life book.  Essentially, a life book is an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).

Here’s the thing though.  My former room mate is single.  She asked that when the adoption finally goes through, would I mind spending some time with the kid on occasion so that he has a male figure in his life.  Are you kidding me?!!  I didn’t even have to think about it twice.  I said, “Sure.  Have the little runt come up to mow the grass and fetch me a beer while I’m watching Sports Center or something.”  Man oh day.  Me, the Dimwit, a father figure of sorts.  Break out the fat cigars.  This is gonna be something special.

It wasn’t required, but I went ahead and put together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well.  Junior, meet your new daddy!!!

Chris Hintons life bookSteelers GameHey Junior.  Check this shiznit out.  Here’s your Papi with your aunt and uncle getting ready to go over to our friend’s house to watch the Steelers game.   We love football and bleed the black and gold.  Go Stillers!!!  Stairway to Seven, baby!!!!

Paragliding

Oh, no big deal.  It’s just your daddy paragliding off the Swiss freaking Alps son!!!  What a rush.  I love traveling and taking adventures.  One day, that will be me and you jumping off the cliffs, dodging trains, racing cars for pink slips, and skydiving 12,000 feet from out of an airplane.  We gotta wait until you’re at least 9 or 10 before we start doing all of that stuff though.  Keep it on the down low or else Mom will have a major conniption fit.

001

Look who it is!  It’s your cousins from Arkansas after your Pops took them out for a mani/pedi.  I had the nice Asian lady paint a unicorn on my index finger.  Tried to anyhow but there was a bit of a language barrier trying to explain what a unicorn was to her and she jacked it all up.  It’s cool though, it still turned out better than my last mani/pedi.

Unicorn Nail
Easter

Now who are these strangers?  That’s two of your uncles hiding eggs for an Easter egg hunt!  That’ll be you out in the yard, looking for eggs one day.  Holidays are always a fun time out at Gram’s.  Picnics, and grilling, and shooting bottle rockets at each other on 4th of July.  Some good times ahead, buddy.  I can’t wait.

Pills

Boy, I remember this one.  This is the day your daddy damn near had a nervous breakdown.   Had to make an emergency visit with the doctor and everything.  I’ve had a few more mental meltdowns since then, but your daddy is a survivor.  Got a cocktail of pills and a fifth of Jack, and a new son!!!  Which reminds me, I better get a refill before your paperwork goes through.

Balloons

Here’s your daddy at the roller skating rink with his good friend Ana.  Isn’t Ana a hottie McTottie?!   I’d take you roller skating, but I was banned for life from ever going back there again.  Long story, but I can still take you to the arcade or my cousin’s bar that has all these really cool stuffed animals that he shot in Africa, or somewhere like that.  You’re gonna love cousin Joe’s place.  It’s better than the zoo any old day of the week!

KissHere’s your daddy putting on his Sunday best, on the way to morning church services.

Fire

Watch out!!!  Fire in the hole!!!  This is when my flipping drunk friends almost burnt down the entire cabin, so daddy had to swoop in and take some quick action to save the day.  Bet you didn’t know your daddy was a superhero, did you?!!  Alls I need now is a cape!!

Christmas partyJust mixing and mingling it up at the Christmas party.  Keeping it fresh with the ladies.  Daddy’s gonna bring you home a new mama so you can have two of them!!  Wouldn’t that be fun?  Shoot, maybe I’ll even fetch you three mamas if I play my cards right.  Can never have too many mamas, son, especially the sugar mamas.

TerminatorHere’s your daddy scotch taping an LED light to his eye like the Terminator.  I went around the house knocking over tables, breaking lamps, chasing after your Gram pretending that she was Sarah Connor, and threatening to exterminate her.   What a great night.  You’ll absolutely love the family, Junior.  We’re a close-knit bunch.

Well, hasta la vista baby!  It’s almost Friday night, and I gotta go to the Casino to try and win back my savings that I blew last Friday night.  If you don’t hear from me for a while, it just means that daddy’s gotta hide out a little, lay low on the lamb for a spell.  I’ll send ya another life book soon, buddy.  Introduce you to some more of the cousins and family.

Stay in touch son.  We’re gonna have one hell of a time, me and you and mommy.  Big hugs and high fives.  Gotta run.

Before & Happily Ever After – Volume One

I’ve always enjoyed photography.  Over the years, I’ve estimated that I’ve taken more than a hundred thousand photographs.  Some of them turned out nice, but most of them leave a lot to be desired, especially the rolls of film I took when I first started getting into photography.  I was left wondering what to do with the stacks of old photographs.

After a drunken night serenaded by the depressing sounds of Morrissey and leafing through old photo albums containing all whopping two of my ex-girlfriends from 20 years of dating eligibility, I came up with a solution of what to do with all my old, crappy photographs.  I figured I could improve them, make them more exciting by Photoshopping things in the background, like explosions and fireworks and Kate Upton jumping up and down on a trampoline.  Yeah, that’s it.  Spruce them up a little.   And so the idea for the Before & Happily Ever After series was born on that drunken, self-loathing night.

*   *   *   *   *   *

1.  Romeo + Juliet001 Christmas Function Original

This photo was taken back in college at a Christmas function in December of1998.  The pretty girl sitting on my lap being awkwardly touched on the inner thigh by my left hand was and still is a good friend of mine.  We never dated for one reason or another.  I think it’s because she’s from Ohio.

The pretty girl went on to get married, and has a lovely family made up of her husband and children.  Instead of daydreaming of what could’ve been between her and I, I decided to daydream of what it would be like to go to the Christmas function with Claire Danes.   I used to have the biggest celebrity crush on the blond-haired, beauty after watching the film Romeo + Juliet.   Claire Danes.  Photoshop, do your thang.  Sprout some angel wings and make me a Juliet.

Juliet Before And After

2.  Tornado WatchTornado Watch Original

This is a photo I took of my brother and sister-in-law back in May of 1995.  I have no idea what my brother is pointing at.  He had this whole pointing at the sky phase that lasted like a year.  I have at least a dozen photos of him doing this same exact pose.

The photo has potential.  The random pay phone in the middle of the wood paneled hallway is nice, but the composition overall is poor and the background is boring.  I decided to jazz up the photo and give my brother something to really stare at.  Him and his second hand thrift store T-shirt are gonna need more than a second chance when I get through with him.

Tornado Watch Before And After

3.  General LeeGeneral Lee Original

Just a typical evening back in June of 1995, hanging out with some friends, taking turns kicking back in a wheel chair.  That’s another brother sprawled out on the car roof like he’s Tyra Banks gearing up for a swimsuit photo shoot for Sports Illustrated or something.  All he needs is a pristine beach and a crystal clear ocean in the background, but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction.  Instead, I decided to get rid of my friend’s clunky Oldsmobile parked in the driveway, and replace it with the General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard.  It adds just the right amount of flair the original photo was lacking.

General Lee Before and After

4.  This Room Is Rated RRated R Original

Like most college kids, I was poor and had to be resourceful.  And by being resourceful, I  mean that I stole sugar and creamer from the cafeteria for my coffee because I couldn’t afford to buy them from Wal-Mart.  But in this case, being resourceful meant that I asked my graphic design professor if I could have a bunch of old posters that were laying around  so that I could liven up my 10 x 10, concrete block prison cell of a dorm room.  He was kind enough to oblige.  However, instead of scoring a Kurt Cobain poster or a scantily clad Jennifer Love Hewitt poster, the posters he gave me were mostly of puppy dogs and kitty cats.

Beggars can’t be choosers, so I decorated the ceiling with the puppy posters, and turned my dorm room into a glorified petting zoo.  It wasn’t nearly the hip and cool look I was going for, especially with the poster pictured front and center that read “This room is rated R.  No adults allowed without kid’s OK!”  Being poor sucks ass, but Photoshop can make you feel like a wealthy king.  Time for a little dormitory makeover, Photoshop CS3 edition.  Goodbye puppy dogs and hello Ashley Jugs.

Rated R Before And After

5.  Severe Tornado WatchSevere Tornado Warning Original

I don’t even know where to begin with this monstrosity of a photo.  I guess I should begin with my brother.  There he is pointing again.  See, I told you.  I’ve got a whole year’s worth of photographs of him pointing upwards towards the sky.  It musta been the happiest year of his life to just go around pointing at nothing all day.  I’d love to live in that world for even one day.

I have no clue what’s going on in this photo really.  All I know is that my brother-in-law on the far left asked us to come take a tour of the factory he worked at.  The factory makes garden hoses or something like that, and so being that I can’t pass up an educational tour of how garden hoses are made, I agreed to attend the tour.  That was before I knew we had to wear safety glasses.  I have a small head, and of course they handed me the biggest pair of safety glasses in the entire place.   Well, whatever.  I rocked those safety glasses and the garden hose tour was everything I had hoped for and more.

The photo isn’t necessarily a bad photo.  The composition is alright, but I don’t know who those Amish looking people are hiding behind the handicapped sign like we wouldn’t notice that they snuck in to be part of our garden hose tour.  Whoever they are, they have to go.  My brother likes pointing to the sky and second chances, well here you go, big bro.  Here’s your second chance at being caught in the eye of a tornado storm.Severe Tornado Warning Before And After

I hope you enjoyed the first volume of the Before & Happily Ever After series.  If you did, you have Steven Patrick Morrissey’s gloomy, depressing music and a fifth of Maker’s Mark whiskey to thank for that.  Join me next time, as I retouch some old photos and add alien abductions, shark infested waters, and Hulk Hogan wrestling a chubby guy at a local wrestling match at the Moose Lodge.  May you all live happily ever after until the next time.

l,000 Followers – A Thank You

Well, hells bells and cockle shells.  1,000 followers.  1,000 real, genuine funny, ornery, thoughtful, and real live wire dimwits.  Time to break out the good stuff.  I usually only reserve the good stuff for when I have to sit through three hours of my sister’s ballet recitals, but this is a real cause for celebration.  It’s time to break out the $12 bottle of Kessler.   Salute, bottoms up, all that good stuff, and a big cheers to you all.

So you’re maybe tired of hearing it, but I think it’s important to say thanks.   It’s a nice word to say:  thanks.  It just kind of rolls off the tongue nicely, so thanks again to all you dimwits.  It really means a lot, and I’ve appreciated all your comments, likes, and nude photographs that you’ve sent to me.  I read all your comments, but I don’t always get a chance to respond.   But I do try my best, and if I’ve missed one, a thousand apologies.  Make that 1,001 just to be safe, and 1,002 if you are a siamese twin.   I’m sorry about your luck, but hoping all goes well for you and you.

Check this out, dimwits.  By now, we’ve weeded out the kittens from the tigers.  And those of you that are still hanging around here are clearly the tigers.  Those of you that don’t mind a little cursing, a little jousting, some poking, a little sparing, a lot of madness, and the occasional mention of wiener tucked vaginas.  But always in a good, fun way, and always with best intentions, as best an intention a wiener tucked vagina can have, I suppose.

So this is my thanks to the 1,000 followers.

To the tigers, the dimwits, the dingalings, the ding dongs, to the tingleberries.  Thanks for having a good old, rip-roaring time with me.  It’s been a lot of fun, I hope.  Maybe even a few other things that you might’ve needed at that very moment.

So how’s about an autographed African Safari photograph of myself posed as a tiger, wearing Randy Macho Man Savage sunglasses, with a few gents in the background trying to snap off a good shot of the old, ding dong, dingaling, dimwit himself in action.   Don’t say I never gave you nothing.  You dimwits.

Chris Stay Hungry

Turned out kinda nice.  Perhaps a good one for the high school lockers or the fire place mantle.  Anyway, I wanted to give a few plugs.  In the rapper community, we lyrical gunslingers like to refer to them as “shout outs.”  So here they go.  I’ve made the links in separate pop-up menus, so there’s no excuse not to click.

1.  The Real Housewives of Lancaster PA – If the title doesn’t do it for you, than the video surely will.  Written, acted, and produced by a dear friend, who at one point was my intern on a little, old movie starring  Jake Gyllenhaal & Anne Hathaway that you mighta heard of called “Love and Other Drugs.”  My talented friend’s real name is Susan Rankus, but I sometimes still like to refer to her as “Hey Intern,” which is what I called her the entire course of the 4 month shoot.  And we’re still friends.  Check out the video, it’s hilarious.  *Spoiler alert* – Amish girl packing dildos in her suitcase.

2.  Cancer:  My Journey Back to Health-Kicking & Screaming the Whole Damn Way – Yes, well by now the gig is up.  It’s true.  I’m not a dimwit.  Not in the traditional sense of the word, meaning that I’m a dum-dum.  I mean, I am a dum-dum.  I spend hours writing reviews about unicorns and Ting Tings.  Beautiful words, poetic even for a lousy review of an online product on Amazon that nobody will ever see, when I should be penning a classic instead.  Who does that nonsense?  Dimwits.  Dimwits do it.  But I also have enough sense to know that when someone is willing to bare their soul for the benefit of others going through a similar struggle, well you’d have to be a true dimwit to pass up an opportunity to give that person a plug.  A shout out to you, beautiful, bald-headed Laura Lynn.  Kick some ass and take some names.

3.  The Boy Hero –  Meet Jason.  He likes cats, long walks on the beach, orange flavored Gatorade, miniature putt-putt golf, and sculpting totem poles out of western red cedar wood on the weekends.  Ladies?  Totally just kidding.  Made that whole thing up.  Told ya I like to tell tall tales.  But he does seem like a general, all around good dude.  And he’s in the process of writing a few screenplays, so I have to give a nod to a fella’ working in the biz when I can.  Go read his stuff pretty please with an orange Gatorade on top.  (You better hire my ass, Jason, and make the $50 for the plug made out to CASH.)

Welp, that does it for shout outs this round.  If I make to 1,500 maybe I’ll do up another super sexxxy photo.  Lord knows I have a million of them lying around.  I’ll throw up some more shout outs too, cause I know most of you are trying to get your stuff seen just the same as the majority of us bloggers.  I can’t promise, but if you’d like a special Dimwit shout out, send me a link, shoot me a message, and we’ll see if we can’t make it happen.

I do appreciate this whole community aspect about blogging.  Scratch my balls, I’ll scratch your balls, or however that saying goes.   I appreciate all the shares, reblogs and reading my stories to your poor sap for husbands.   It’s really sweet and humbling to me, because I’m just some messy haired guy sitting in his apartment wearing his Tweety Bird boxer briefs, with the shades drawn open nice and wide for all the neighbors to see, writing fictional stories about the Baha Men, ect., and it’s cool when you write words, if you’re able to somehow choose the right ones, they can mean the difference from someone having a sour day or a nice day.  I hope you all are having a nice one.

Cheers to ball scratching and to dimwits.  I bid thee tigers farewell for now.  Go make some noise and wake up those darling kittens.  Give the world a shake.  Give it a rattle.  Have a ball.  You might as well.  You’re not here for very long.  So go have some fun, tigers, and I will do the same….thanks again.

ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR

Select Photos

It seems like everyone is a photographer nowadays.  Every time I get on Facebook, somebody has started a new photography business.  It use to annoy me – buy a nice camera, aim it at some pretty stuff, and suddenly that makes you a professional photographer –  but now I think it’s great.  I say the more photographers the merrier, because the saying “it’s a small world after all,” that’s just some bullshit Disney saying that somebody made up anyhow.  It’s a great, big, ginormous world after all, and there’s not enough time for a person to see everything.  So when somebody can take some nice photos and really capture a moment, take you to the top of a 15,000 foot cliff, or place you along a peaceful river bank to watch the sunrise, I’m all for it.

Go on shutterbugs.  Fire away.  I just have one bone to pick, however.   If you insist on incorporating a flower into your logo, or if you dot your i’s with hearts, or if your flyer looks like an 8 year old made it during arts and crafts at summer camp for mentally challenged children, than I can’t take your photography business seriously.   Sorry.  That’s just the way it is.  Maybe you should take up selling scented candles or tupperware instead.  Oh my gosh, was that mean?  I’m sorry.  I woke up at, like, 4 o’clock this morning and I have to work all day today with these folks from Toronto.  Ugh.  Folks from Toronto.

I’m not a professional photographer, but I do enjoy having an excuse to get outside and to see things in a different light, so I take photos from time to time.  Feel free to steal them and use them for whatever.  And if you’d like a high res photo, shoot me a message and I’m sure we could work it out.  Like maybe a high res photo for an Arby’s sandwich, or something like that.  I’m a pretty reasonable guy AS LONG AS IT’S NOT 4 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING.  Gotta go.  Toodles (by the way, is that not the worst expression ever?  Toodles.” Talk about a total barf-o-rama.  I think it’s time to go get some coffee now…)


September 19, 2010
Sunrise at Moraine State Park
Portersville, PA


March 4, 2010
The Coliseum
Rome, Italy
Taken during a two week vacation to Italy with my Mom.


March 20, 2011
Cap Haitien, Haiti
Taken during a one week medical and food relief mission trip to Haiti.


November 27, 2009
The Glessner Covered Bridge
Covered Bridge Road
Stonycreek, PA


November 12, 2010
Field in Shanksville, PA


September 26, 2010
Sacred Heart Parish Catholic Church
310 Shady Ave
Pittsburgh, PA


September 20, 2011
Goldenrod Field
Lake Arthur Water Tower
Portersville, PA


October 31, 2011
Town fair at Basel, Switzerland


March 21, 2011
St. Thomas More Church
126 Fort Couch Rd
Pittsburgh, PA
Taken during scouting for the movie “The Perks of Being A Wallflower.”


July 31, 2010
Wolf Rocks Hiking Trail
Linn Run State Park
Ligonier, PA


September 21, 2010
Dawn at Raccoon Creek State Park
Clinton, PA


October 11, 2011
Skull Bluff
Buffalo River National Park
Arkansas


March 20, 2011
Cap Haitien, Haiti
Taken during a one week medical and food relief mission trip to Haiti.


January 9, 2010
Laurel Mountain Ski Resort
Ligonier, PA


June 24, 2012
Windmill Farm
Wills Church Rd
Somerset, PA