It’s Memorial Day. I should be out eating a juicy hamburger off the grill or relaxing by a river somewhere, which I still might end up doing depending on where the day leads me, but I had to get chapter 2 of my life book written up for my future adopted son. Share a few things that were on the Dimwit’s mind while things are nice and quiet.
For those that haven’t read chapter one yet, my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child. The adoption agency asked her to put together a life book, which is essentially an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).
Since my former room mate is a single, she asked me if I would spend some time with the little tike to fill in the role as a male figure whenever I’m available. Of course I agreed to this arrangement. Even though it wasn’t required, I went ahead and started putting together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well. This one’s for you, Junior, from your soon-to-be new daddy!
Here’s your Pops hanging out at the Moose Lodge with his favorite local wrestler, the Latin Assassin! Son of a gun just finished up a tough match fighting his arch nemesis, the Drunken Luchador, but he came out victorious in the end. I met up with him after the match and he let me wear his champion belt and everything!
I can’t wait to take you to the Moose Lodge so you can meet him for yourself. Hope you aren’t squeamish of a little blood and don’t mind watching guys bash each other’s heads with metal chairs. It can get a little rough from time to time, but it makes for an entertaining evening.
Check it out, Junior!! It’s some of your crazy aunts and your Gram hanging out with your Dad! The family was going through a rough spell at the time, so I took the ladies out to get a manicure to get their minds off of things – treat them nice and spoil them rotten.
I’m gonna teach you how to treat a lady and how to rally around the family when times are tough. Family and friends are the most important thing you’ve got in life. I’m gonna take good care of you too, so don’t worry. Maybe we’ll even take the gals out for a manicure again sometime and both get our nails painted just like daddy’s nails below!!!
The pink breast cancer awareness ribbon turned out pretty nice, huh?
Get used to seeing this face, son!!! Sorry it’s covered up by the big umbrella. Daddy took a crappy photo, but I wanted to introduce you to my best friend, Greg. Like I was saying, family and friends are the most important thing in life. This guy helped Pops get through some tough times and vice versa. We hang out a good bit, so you’ll probably run into him at some point down the road.
Greg or Mom will probably have to teach you the real manly man stuff. I’m not much into things like guns and punching people in the face, but here’s me with this really rich guy I met. He invited me to go on a quail hunting expedition!!
I met him on one of the movies I was working on. We just sorta connected. He’s into pointer dogs and quail hunting so he asked daddy if I’d like to tag along one afternoon. I couldn’t pass up on that one!!! Life is short son, so see as much of the world as you can, even if you might not like wearing funny orange hats and shooting quail with shotguns.
This is more your daddy’s speed. Playing the piano blindfolded! I quit taking piano lessons back when I was 11 or 12, when one of your uncles started calling me Liberace. Brothers can be mean to one another sometimes. What I didn’t know later in life was that the ladies go nuts over a piano player!!! Keep that one in mind for the future.
I had a real good drunken night with one of the actresses on a film I was working on several years ago. Played the piano with her up on the 17th floor of the hotel she was staying at, until the hotel staff came up to tell us to be quiet because some of the hotel guests were complaining that we were being too loud at 3 AM!!! Phooey on them.
I shoulda stuck with it more, but I can still get around a piano pretty good. I’ll teach you how to play sometime. Playing an instrument is a lot of fun. Everyone should at least try it.
Here’s your daddy reading a book to a few of your cousins. I like reading children’s books. I’ll read some to you, but I’ll just warn you ahead of time. I don’t like to stick to the words in a book and I make up my own stories. They can get pretty wild – stories of kids getting trapped in a well or something like that – but I try to give them a happy ending so the kids don’t stay up all night with nightmares. I think you’ll like daddy’s stories. Your cousins seem to enjoy them.
Here’s your daddy at a Pirates game!!! The Pirates stink. They’re the most miserable team in all of baseball, but it’s still a nice ballpark to hang out at for a few hours. Sometimes I’ll get all dressed up for the game wearing yellow outfits or I’ll dress up like a pirate. I don’t really get into baseball all that much, but it’s fun to just sit around with thousands of other people, get a little tipsy, cheer for the home team, and take in the tastes, sights and sounds of the ballpark. I’ll take you sometime but you can’t drink any beer with me until you’re of age. Mom would kill me!!!
I saved this one for last, Junior. It’s another important one. This nice black gentleman isn’t one of your cousins or your uncles. He’s a homeless person. Your daddy likes to walk around the streets at night sometimes and take photos of the city. I end up running into homeless people a lot just because of the dark alleys and the dark places I visit when I’m roaming the streets.
I ran into this nice guy and a few other homeless people a few years back. There was a barbecue festival going on not far from the bench where I met them. You could smell the ribs and all the food wafting through the air, so I told the others to sit tight. Took the black guy with me. I took him to the barbecue festival and told him pick out whatever food him and his buddies wanted. PILES OF FOOD. Ribs, corn on the cob, steak, potatoes. You name it!!! We loaded them up into containers and we took the food back to the other homeless people sitting on the bench.
Shoulda seen their faces light up like a full moon on that night!!! I like to do things like that. Some people say things to your Dad like, “You’re a bad person.” “You drink and carry on too much.” “You’re going to hell.” But I don’t listen to them for the most part. They don’t know the places that I’ve been just the same as they don’t know the place that I’m going when I die. Those people who like to point fingers are called hypocrites. When you encounter a hypocrite, you listen to them politely and just smile and shake your head. Don’t mouth off too much unless they continue to challenge you, then you can answer them however you see fit. Most the times they shut up when they meet a person who has a lot of knowledge and can challenge them right back.
I’m gonna teach you how to be a good person, son. I might even take you sometime when daddy goes and feeds the homeless. I gotta wait until you’re older, cause it’s dangerous traveling dark alleys at night by yourself. I gotta wait until you can run fast, because one night, your daddy might get himself into deep trouble with the homeless folks. He might get hurt and need you to run off to get him some help. Don’t tell Mom this one, either. I don’t want her worrying about me and you, but I gotta teach you about all the parts of life. The pretty and the gritty, so that one day you have a shot at turning out to be a nice young man. We’ll ease into it. You’re still a kid, so I want to give you a chance to stay that way for a while. These are things we’ll revisit when the time is right.
All right, son. I’ll send you more photos and stories down the road so you can get to know more about your Dad. I have a bunch of them. I’ve been to a lot of places, some good and some bad. Right now I’m headed to a secret spot of mine by the river to sit and relax. One day I’ll take you there, too. It’s peaceful and nobody’s around to point fingers.
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The Dimwit Diary 