Guest Blogger – The Baha Men

So by now, you regular dimwits know that I work in the film industry.  I’ve downplayed it in previous posts, but it’s actually a pretty cool gig.   I’ve been at it for about 12 years now, and I’ve had the fortune of working on two films with Anne Hathaway, or Annie Spagannie as I like to call her, and well, of course we became instant best friends.

We chat back and forth from time to time, send drunk texts to each other at 3 AM, those  sorts of things that best friends do.  Well, Annie Spagannie has been following along on my blog when she’s not too busy making films.  She had a chance to read the last guest blogger post where John Stamos wrote a brave and chilling letter to the Baha Men (which I would suggest you read first if you haven’t already), and being the huge Baha Men super fan that she is, she was able to help get me in touch with the nice fellas.

So I’d like to thank the Baha Men for being kind enough to be this week’s guest blogger and offering up their response letter to John Stamos.  It’s an insightful read as one would expect, and I think you’ll get a lot out of it.  I know I did.  Thanks the Baha Men.

Yo Stamos!  Woof, Woof, Woof!

Yo we got your letter dawg (no pun intended.)   Hey listen man, that was an incredibly cool thing of you to do.   It takes a lot of guts to tell someone you killed two of their dawgs, even if it did come 12 years late.  I just gotta believe they up there somewhere in a better place, right?  Isn’t that how this whole thing works?  Pepper Spray and Mace, snatchin’ tennis balls outta the air, havin’ a damn good time rolling around up there in them puffy clouds.  Probably nailin’ them female dawgs too, if I know those two hound dawgs!  WOOF!

Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but we was back in the studio making some more of those fresh and funky junkanoo beats.  Our schedules have been mad crazy right now.    But it will all be worth it in just a little while.  We hopin’ anyways.   The Baha Men can’t wait to blow the lid off the new stuff.  They thought the dawgs was wild – wait till they get a hold of these beats.  It’s gonna’ blow some minds!  And probaby a few stereos too, cause I’m tellin’ you, this shit is dope.

Back to the killing our dawgs thing – man, no hard feelings.  We actually knew it was you all along.  Sally ratted you out.  Sombody at the party overheard somebody who said you was hammered and goin’ on about a master plan for juicy steaks, and plottin’ revenge on us for not being able to play your birthday party, or somethin like that.  Then that somebody told Sally who told our drummer Jimbo Slice.  You know how it goes.  Poeple like to yap their traps when it ain’t nobody’s business really.

And well, we was disappointed to hear you done it, no doubt.  We always seen you on Full House, and even though you was a badass biker, you seemed to have a good heart.  I know it’s just TV, and it was all acting and stuff, but still, you can tell alot about people form their smile, the way their eyes look or don’t look, and just the way they carry themselves.  You can’t act that Stamos.  We knew you was a good guy.

It’s just you was in a bad place, that’s all.  Ain’t we all sometimes.  Life can knock you silly but unlike you, it don’t have the decency to say sorry.  It don’t care none if you’re Bob, or Jim, or if you’re the famous actor John Stamos.  Everyone gets the rug taken out from underneath them at some point, and I guess it was just me, you, and Sally Jessy Raphael’s turn at the time.  Just gotta get back up, put the rug back into place.   Like Eminem says, you only get one shot.  Might as well make it a good one.

We gotta tell you this one last thing before we get back to the studio.  You was actually the inspiration behind the idea for “Who Let The Dogs Out?”  We didn’t wanna’ tell no one it was John Stamos,  cause we collectively felt it was more mysterious just letting it alone.  The mystery paid off.  We still collectin’ those checks off that song 12 years later, so let’s leave it at this Stamos.  Let’s get together sometime, crack some bubbly and we won’t never mention none of this ever again.  Clean slate.  Whad’ya say?

Hope you’re good John, and sorry to hear when things got ugly with you and Rebecca, and the whole split and all of that stuff.  Just another one of those things, another one of those twists and turns in life.  Grab the wheel, hold on, don’t never take your foot off the gas.  Keep on driving Stamos.  Take that shot.

Your dawgs forever,

The Baha Men

PS.  Thanks for the PF Changs gift certificate!  I got the Shaking Beef and Jimbo got the Crispy Honey Shrimp.  It was mad dope!  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!!!

Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Yourself In a Pop Up Tent With A Ferocious Wolf

Well, I don’t know about you dimwits, but I like wolves.  Always have.  In elementary school, the teachers were always going around asking questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” I’d shrug my shoulders.  I don’t know, “Blue.”  “Whad’ya wanna to be when you grow up?”  Once again a shrug.  Never gave it much thought, being that I was 8 1/2 years old and all.   So I’d say, “A school teacher so one day I can ask awesome questions just like you.”   And then the teachers would finally get around to asking the real gritty, meaty questions.  “What’s your favorite animal?”  Without hesitation, I would confidently respond, “Wolf.”

So as you can see, ever since I was a little kid I always liked wolves.

Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  I know what you’re probably saying to yourself, “Man, that’s impossobile.  I can never learn to Photoshop myself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.”  Wrong.  You just gotta believe, and with the aid of this tutorial, you’ll be off and howling in no time.  To the moon we go.

Step 1:  Put On Some Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet”

Whenever I’m Photoshopping myself in pop up tents with ferocious wolves, it’s all about setting the right mood.  The sound of rainforest and pan flutes are always a nice background music to work with,  but it’s not quite wolfy enough for this lesson.  We need something that howls.  Something that screams and gets the blood pumping a little.  I’m talking Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” circa 1986, ladies and gentlemen.  Let’s get wild in the streets, shall we?  We definitely shall.

Step 2:  Lasso The Head Of A Smoking Hot Blond

Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this tutorial.  As you can see, it’s me in the women’s changing room pop up tent with a smoking hot blond. While I have nothing against poking my head out of a pop up tent with a smoking hot blond, for this demonstration, we will be replacing her smiling face with a ferocious wolf.

If you’ve had a chance to read the sparkly vampire Twilight poster tutorial, then you’re aware that not only do I have a fondness for wolves, but I also have a deep appreciation for magnets.  So crank up some Jovi, whip your hair around like your all time favorite glam rocker, loosen up those neck muscles a bit, give a couple monster leg kicks, another hair whip or two, take a swig of water to stay hydrated, and go to the upper, left hand corner to select the Magnetic Lasso Tool, in that specific order.

Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove.  Carefully make your selection of the smoking hot blond, then hit the delete button.  Boom shakalacka.  The smoking hot blond is no more and you should end up with a layer that looks like so.

Hey, what the shit Jon Bon Jovi?  Well, sorry about that Photoshoppers.  Seems there’s a little cockblocking going on here, and somebody is having a little difficulty letting go of their glorious, glamorous, hair thrashing past.  Sorry Jon Bon Jovi, but you and your 7 foot tall, hair sprayed, lion’s mane need to go.  We have some more wolfing to do.

Step 3:  Let’s Go Hunting For A Ferocious Wolf

So first things first.  We need a ferocious wolf.  I know just the place to go find one.  Do a Google search for “Ferocious Wolf” and select an image you like.  The more ferocious the better.  I would suggest choosing the wolf showing the most teeth to get the most of that ferocious look.  Here is the photo of the ferocious wolf that I have selected to use.

Step 4:  Lassoing The Head Of A Ferocious Wolf

Similar to how I lassoed the head of the smoking hot blond, I will be lassoing the head of the ferocious wolf.  Crank that mutha’ up about 10 decibles, give another whip of the hair, show that GD wolf who’s boss, and select the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner once again.

Carefully trace around the ferocious wolf head, and make a new isolated layer.  And no, Jon Bon Jovi, you’re not invited to the wolf head party.  You and your tight, leather pants and unbuttoned shirt need to stuff it somewhere in New Jersey.   Preferably in the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey, which shouldn’t be too hard to find since the entire state is a sewer.  No offense to anyone that lives in New Jersey.

Your ferocious wolf head isolated layer should look like something like this.

Step 4:  Blend The Ferocious Wolf Head In A Pop Up Tent

I’ll keep this brief.  Slippery When Wet clocks in at a mere 42:22, so we don’t have a whole lot of time for goofing.  Not when we’ve got some wolfing to do, so let’s finish this sonofabitch up.  So now that we got rid of the smoking hot blond, and have an isolated layer of the ferocious wolf head, it’s time to blend the two images.

And man, honest to God, these next 100 steps are so incredibly, freaking boring, and it’s probably the whole reason that I never went to my graphic design classes in college in the first place.  I”m just.  Do you ever regret things in your past?  Like, sit around and ever wonder how things would be any different today if you had made just a few different choices when you were younger?  If you would be living in a different state?  A different country, even?  Have a different career?  Maybe be with someone different, somebody at all?  If those few different choices would’ve made you wealthier, more successful? Happier?

Christ, Bon Jovi is giving me a pounding headache, so I’m gonna skip about the next 12 steps if that’s cool with you dimwits.   I knew I should’ve gone with White Snake, but it’s too late for that now.  We’re committed, so let’s wrap this up and send Jovi home packing.

So basically, I did some more lassoing, and traced the pop up tent so I could make a new layer, I added in a few slash marks to the pop up tent cause I thought it looked pretty cool and more ferocious, I added a layer mask and…

You know what.  I can’t even do it.  I can’t even pretend anymore.  Photoshop sucks the will to live right outta me.  Leaves me shriveled, dying, and makes me feel a little less of a human being every time I click on that smug looking PS logo.  Every time I see that bouncy ball opening up the program as if he’s excited, and knows that with each and every bounce, a little more of me dies inside.   I’m smashing this stereo.  Bon Jovi is really grinding my nerves.  Here’s your photo of the cockblocking, cock knocker Jon Bon Jovi, you dimwits.

Welp, there you go.  Congratulations on making yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  Hope it was as wonderful of an experience as it was for me.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop Jon Bon Jovi’s Olivia Newtwon-John  looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey.  Time for me to go howl at the moon with about a gallon of Jim Beam and a case of Milwalkees Best.

Funny, Outrageous Reviews – Unicorns & Skulls

Sometimes I get drunk on Franzia boxed wine and submit funny, outrageous product reviews online.  It is awesome.  This installment of reviews is about unicorns and skulls.

Amazon Review:  The Unicorn Castle Tee

Besides the obvious reasons to gush about the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt – the gorgeous lavender colors, the mighty and magical pose of the unicorn frolicking about in an isolated patch of green meadow field, the warm sparkle bursts of pinks and yellows gleaming from its golden, long spiraled horn, the splash of rainbow colors sweeping across the sky, and of course, the guardian castle nestled soundly in the clouds, as if it were keeping a watchful eye over the pure, white mystical unicorn beauty – I was not expecting to be writing a gushing review about how many compliments I received while wearing the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt at the monster truck rally the other night.  Sheesh.  It was exhilarating!

When I first received the T-shirt as a birthday present from my grandmother, I thought the unicorn was a little feminine and too cutesy for a 35 year old man to be wearing around in public.  However, my good friends assured me that the T-shirt looked great on me even though it was a size too small and fit rather snugly.  They also informed me that unicorns are the hottest new men’s fashion trend this season, and that every guy is wearing them.  They’re always up on those sorts of things, so I took their word for it and decided to wear the unicorn shirt to the monster truck rally that weekend.

As my buddies and I made our way to our seats, I received compliment after compliment, many of which I had never even heard of before:  anal jabber, turd burglar, butt buddy, corn holer, knob jockey, poo pusher, pillow biter, butt pirate, pole smoker, sausage bandit, anal assassin, bone smuggler, fudgepacker, and someone even called me Abigale.

At first, I was growing quite concerned that the compliments weren’t compliments at all.  I thought they might be homosexual slurs by the way all of the burly, intoxicated men were yelling so loudly and gnashing their teeth at me.  They seemed ravenous.  Almost like there was a fire behind their eyes.  But my friends assured me that they were just yelling because the monster trucks were so loud.  I guess the foamy mouthed men really did admire my magical Unicorn Castle T-Shirt, because the compliments continued to be hurled at me for the entire course of the three hour event.  It felt wonderful to be so appreciated!

So my compliment to you Amazon:  thank you for the confidence boost.  I’ve never felt so loved in all of my life.  I would imagine this is a very small sampling of what it must feel like to be a famous actor.  I can’t wait to show off the Unicorn Castle T-Shirt at the gun show this weekend!!!

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iTunes Review:  The Ting Tings “Sounds From Nowheresville” CD

Hello, I’ve never done one of these things before so I don’t know who to address this to exactly, but this is Brandon’s mother.  I found this vile piece of filth in his bedroom this morning when he was off to school receiving an education, something the Ting Tings clearly have gone without.

First of all, what on Earth is a Ting Ting?  Is that some kind of drug reference for smoking marijuana joints?  I only hope so, not because I’m delighted to know that my son is more than likely using the recreational substance based upon the 12 foot, life sized cobra snake bong that I found in his closet, but because one would have to be stoned out of their mind to listen to this kind of garbage.

After the graphic shock of seeing a skull faced man and woman with torn, ratty clothes, and disheveled hair, I must say that I was rather intrigued by the cover art as to what kind of Satanic influenced, Devil worshiping music that my son was pumping into his 15 year old, impressionable ears.

And after spending close to an hour trying to figure out how to play the CD in Brandon’s stereo,  and inadvertently stumbling across his extensive collection of chubby chaser porno graphical videos, I can’t say that I was all too surprised by the blast of screeching guitars and garbled nonsense that came pumping out of the speakers.

Our Father who art in Heaven, have mercy on the Ting Ting, thick brained skulls, because I can’t promise I’ll be as kind if I ever get a hold of you two tingleberries.

Here’s some advice:   take a cue from the title of your first track, and remain SILENT from here on out.  Take your music and bury it deep in NOWHERESVILLE where it belongs.  And here’s a final piece of advice:  take the suggestion from the title of your last track, and go get some HELP!   You obviously need it, and so will my son when he gets home from school in another hour.

– Brandon’s Mom

Guest Blogger – John Stamos

If you’ve read my “About This Shizz,”  then you’re aware of the fact that I work in the film industry.  It’s really not all that glamorous, so don’t get too overly excited fellow dimwits.  My job mostly consists of ordering Porta Potties for set and picking up cigarette butts that darling crew members flick on the ground.  But the job does have its perks.

I’ve built up some good connections over the years, and was able to pull a few strings in order to land my very first guest blogger to be featured on The Dimwit Diary.

Without further ado, I hand it over to John Stamos, famed actor of the 1990’s hit TV series “Full House,” and leave you with an honest and brave confessional letter that he was gracious enough to share with us all.

Thank you, Mr. Stamos.  You’re a kind soul and you have amazing hair.

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July 25, 2012
Thursday,  9:45 PM

Dear The Baha Men,

It is with no great pleasure that I am sitting down to write you this letter on an unusually cloudy evening in Los Angeles.  Perhaps the grey clouds are fitting.  I am disheartened beyond belief.

Twelve years ago, you proposed a question:  Who let the dogs out?  You put it in form of a catchy song with an infectious groove and those funky junkanoo beats.  The song went sailing to the top of the charts.  It was a good time to be The Baha Men:  platinum record, platinum jewelry and platinum hair.

Others may have been fooled into thinking that you were on top of the world, but you weren’t fooling me.  I know how much you loved your dogs – those friendly, cuddly rottweilers, Pepper Spray and Mace.

They were like your children.  When someone carelessly let them out one evening and they never returned, so was it the case with your heart.  A large piece of it hopped over the chain link fence and never returned to its rightful owners.

I am regretful that I’ve waited this long to come forward, but after twelve years of unrelenting guilt, I couldn’t bear even one more second of it.

It was me that let the dogs out – John Stamos.

I know the question that you woofed in the chorus is not why did you let the dogs out, but for my own sanity’s sake, I feel as though I must offer an explanation.  I snuck into your estate one late evening and lured your dogs out with a juicy steak because I was upset that you didn’t come to my 37th birthday party.

I was incredibly angry and deeply hurt.  It may seem juvenile to you, but to me it would have meant the world if The Baha Men had attended my birthday party.  And not just the world to me, It would have meant the world to a lot of other people as well.

I told everyone that you were going to be there.  I even put it on the invitations:  Special Musical Performance by The Baha Men.  Sally Jessy Raphael told me that was the only reason she was coming to my birthday party.  I believed her, because immediately after she found out that you weren’t going to be in attendance for the evening, she went storming out of my house, and that red glasses wearing biatch took everyone else at the party with her.

Pardon my language, The Baha Men.  It’s just, I’ve harbored a lot of resentment for that woman over the years.  That was one of the worst evenings of my life, and Sally was intent on making the next several years a living hell for me, turning my friends against me, Hollywood producers, spreading rumors and making up lies.  I was virtuously blacklisted by everyone.

Sally had quite a lot of influence back in those days, which kills me because I never quite saw the appeal.  She had big glasses and feathered hair.  So what?  So did my dad, but he never got his own crappy talk show, although there was a time where he was involved in some pretty serious negotiations.  But that’s not the point of all of this.  The point is this:  I’m extremely sorry and I’m requesting your forgiveness.

I know I can never bring Pepper Spray and Mace back.  I paid my cousin Dino a fifty spot to put them down.  But what I can do is offer you this $35 gift certificate to P.F. Chang’s China Bistro.  The gift certificate is only valid for one year.  Sorry, but management refused to budge no matter how many times I reminded them that I played the rock-‘n-roll bad boy biker, Jesse Katsopolis, on Full House.  I wish it was more, but much like your career, mine was also short lived and the cash flow is more like a cash trickle these days.  It’s a tough economy for all of us.

Please accept my deepest apologies.  I have two dogs of my own, and I know how much it would pain me if someone were to let them out and I was never to see them again.  In fairness though, I probably wouldn’t have made a cheesy remake of that song, and an even worse video to boot.  We all grieve in different ways, I suppose.  I hope that your heart has had time to mend and that you were able to find some healing along the way.

I also hope that we can all manage a way to move on from this.  Perhaps one day we will even be able to laugh about it, and maybe it will even provide inspiration for you to make another chart topping hit one day soon.  I don’t know how the song would go.  Maybe some more barking as people can’t seem to get enough of those incessant who, who, who’s.  I’ll leave the song writing up to the experts, to you my dear friends.  The Baha Men.

With kindest personal regards,

John Stamos

PS.  If you still talk to Sally, tell her I said to bite me.