Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch (IMDb)

No time for chit chat.  No rest for the weary.  Work has been crazy busy this month.  It has the madman all tied up, but I just wanted to have a quickie with you dimwits before I get back to the grindstone.

One of these days I’ll share the story of how I broke into the biz.  How I took the film industry by storm.  It’s a pretty cool story.  It involves lots of prostitution, a donkey, and piles of cocaine.   I’m only kidding.  The donkey had nothing to do with it, but it’s still a pretty wild story as you might have guessed.  It’s been some bizarre life.

I don’t have time to respond to emails at the moment, but some of you have written me some incredibly endearing ones.  It blows my mind.  How could strangers be so kind to another stranger?  How could they know just the right words to say at the right time?  How could one man receive so many marriage proposals from married women in their 40’s and 50’s?  Who the hell knows, but I’ll take it.  Thank you to whoever you are.   I’ve read your words, and one day when the dust settles, I’ll respond with some of my own.

Some people in the emails were curious what films I’ve worked on, so I thought instead of listing them out, I’d just include a link to my IMDb.  I don’t know what the hell an IMDb stands for.  I think it means I’m part of the Illuminati Members Distinguished Branch.  Something like that.  IMDb’s are only reserved for really smart, prestigious types, so that’s gotta be it.  Click the link here if you wanna see what movies I’ve worked on.  There’s some real stinkers in there, but a few okay ones, too.

Now, I’m not big into film myself.  I rarely watch movies and I don’t own a television.  I couldn’t tell you who’s who and what actor acted in what.  I don’t follow that stuff even though I work in the film industry.  I gotta leave room inside my head for other things.  Like researching slang words for wieners and looking up funny, black people’s names.

I met a Lajuawna the other day.  She has a daughter named Jacquilla.   I had to ask her how to spell both names and it took up an entire page of my notebook to write it down.  There were vowels and consonants all over the damn place, so I just gave up and called her Tina.  I can spell Tina no problem.

Well, I gotta run.  I’ll leave you with a behind the scenes photo booth session I had with Emma Watson back when I worked with her on “Perks of Being a Wallflower.”  She was a real dear.  We woulda made for a handsome couple, but it turns out Emma is allergic to donkeys and not so keen on my vast knowledge of slang words of the wiener variety.  Her loss.  She could’ve woken up to a face like this everyday.

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume One

Check it you dimwits.  So before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post my madness.  The other place was this social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.

I still have a Facebook, but I’m not on it much anymore.  I had to retire, and by retire, I mean that I pretty much had to give myself the boot because I would get drunk and start posting all of these rants regarding politics, gay rights, gun control, and environmental concerns.  And well, drunks and Facebook are not a very good combination.

It was getting ugly, so I had to take all of my deep, philosophical rants over to the comments section of YouTube.  YouTube is the perfect place to engage in 500 character or less heated debates.  Somewhere buried in the comments section of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video are some of the Dimwit’s most brilliant and ingenious thoughts ever recorded.  I should probably dig ’em up and take home the Nobel Peace Prize, but no time for that.  Instead, I wanted to dig up a few Facebook odds & ends that I’ve posted over the years and share them with my fellow dimwits.

*    *    *    *    *    *

1.  Jury Duty Summons

I just opened a stack of mail from last month and discovered a summons to appear in court tomorrow morning for jury duty selection.  I want to make a good first impression with the court folks, but I’m not sure which outfit to wear.  Help guys!  I’m so bad with this stuff.  Which outfit would you recommend that I wear tomorrow for jury duty selection?

2.  Happy Groundhog’s Day

Happy Groundhog’s Day!  Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow and you know what that means?  It will soon be Spring.  And you know what that means?  The rainy season will soon be upon us.  And you know what that means?  It’s time to get fully clothed, go down to the boat pond, and lay the hottest, most passionate rainy-wet-clothed kiss on your lover that anyone’s ever seen.

C’mon, who’s ever done that?  Making out in the rain.  I did it once, but it was only by accident because I thought it was just a heat lightening storm passing by, but no, it turned out to be an actual rain storm.  Anyways, way to go Phil.  Bring on the early Spring.

3.  Supah Ninjas Audition

*  This was a post I left on my friend’s wall.  She’s a casting director in Pittsburgh.  She sent out an audition notice looking for actors for a Nickelodeon action-comedy superheroes TV series that she was working on called “Supah Ninjas.”

Hello Katie,

Above you’ll find my Supah Ninjas headshot for consideration.  I have 4 years Parkour experience, 1 year of Zumba training,  8 years of competing in medieval jousting with my friends at Schenley Park, and I’ve watched all three Matrix movies as well as all of the Star War movies.  I believe that I am more than qualified for the part and can’t wait to show off my stuff at the audition.  Don’t blink.  If you do, you are going to miss the audition of a lifetime.  Karate chop!!!

Sincerely,
Chris Hinton

4.  Birthday Card To My Mom

Happy birthday to the World’s 2nd greatest Mom!!!  Sorry, you would’ve been 1st, but the tanning bed lady beat you out by just a smidge.  Thank you for all that you do for the family and for so many.  Love you!

5.  Driver’s License Renewal Photo

So I go to get my driver’s license renewed, right?  I take my number and wait with the rest of the photo ID posse.  Surprisingly, the line’s moving quickly.  That is until the guy in front of me takes his turn.  He sits in the chair.  Click.  He reviews the photo on the computer monitor and decides that he wants to get a redo.  No big deal.  We’ve all taken a bad photo before and I can certainly appreciate the fact that he wants to have a stellar looking driver’s license photo ID.   My previous one was out of this world and it often garnered me a lot of praise when I got pulled over by the police.

So the guy straightens up and smiles for another photo.  Click.  Again, he decides it’s not his best work, and he would like another redo.  This happens two more times.  I’m staring at the guy, and he’s not even that good looking.  But even if he was, when was the last time you’ve heard of someone launching their Ford modeling career with a Pennsylvania driver’s license?  Never.  You’ve never heard of that.  That is until now.

I tell Brad Pitt to step aside, I’m about to show him how it’s done.  I channel my inner model self and totally blow this driver’s license photo shoot out of the water.  I mean, even the dude taking the photo looks at me and gives me a nod.  He doesn’t even bother asking me if I want to accept the photo.  It’s completely understood.   Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes…

 

2,000 Followers – A Thank You

Woooo doggie!  Alert the presses and fire up the ticker tape parade!  The Dimwit has gone and done it.  2,000 followers.  2,000 real genuine, funny, thoughtful, kind, and incredibly beautiful ding dong dingalings.  Nice.

We haven’t officially met, but I can confidently say that I love you all.   What a crew of misfits we’ve managed to put together that really seem to get this strange and precious thing we call life, and what a life it’s been for the Dimwit these past few months.

I attended a wedding last night.  It was something.  Two of my friends from the film industry got hitched, and well, a film industry wedding is very much like what you’d expect.  Lots of creative types, colorful outfits, beautiful decorations, open-minded sentiments being shared, gay couples, straight couples, lots of love, an open bar, plenty of dancing, and the Dimwit right in the middle of it all, just having a ball and making plenty of embarrassing moments to regret the following day.  Thank goodness I passed out in my wedding clothes face down on my bed before I left too many Facebook messages and sent out too many texts.  I sent one to this really pretty girl that told me I smelled nice and I’m pretty sure that I blew it.  That’s the way it goes.

I was talking to one of my friends last night before I took one to many visits to the open bar.  I was telling her a little bit about my blog.  What an awfully lame thing to talk about at a wedding, but here’s the thing.  It was just nice to have a discussion with other creative people about writing and art, and all that sort of stuff.

I’ve been holed up in my apartment for a while and haven’t been doing a lot of socializing lately.  It’s been a little tough on me, because I’m a normally a fairly sociable guy.  But that’s just the way it’s gotta be when I do writing.  I can’t have distractions and a million people texting and calling me to come over to eat perogies for dinner.  Sorry, but the Dimwits gone mad and he’s busy writing Photoshop tutorials.   Hope you understand, but you probably won’t, but you’ll just have to get over it anyways.

So I was sharing with my friend a little about my writing process.  It’s really crazy.  My apartment looks like a bomb went off.  Empty cartons of Franzia boxed wine on the floor, stacks of clothes piled to the ceiling from two months of neglecting laundry, papers and unopened mail strewn all over the place, garbage overflowing, stacks of photo albums taking up half my bed, piles of dirty dishes, ect, ect, ect.  If anyone saw it, they’d surely know that a madman lives there, and they would probably slowly back away.  It’s a sight to behold, but that’s just how I write.  I let everything else go for a few weeks or a few months, and I let myself go truly mad.

I’m back to work now on a TV pilot, so the madness has come to an end pretty much.  I’ve got to be presentable.  My job requires me to deal a lot with the public and I’m the face of the company.  I meet with the police, borough officials, business owners, principals, pastors, real estate agents, and I have to knock on strangers’ doors to ask if we can use their house for filming.  I can’t be a total madman out in the public!  So I’ve pulled it together, cleaned up my apartment, did the dishes, washed 8 loads of laundry, and now I’m back to mixing it up and meeting all kinds of folks along the way while I’m out scouting for locations.  What a life indeed.

Well, anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to lately.  Super busy, but not too busy to offer up a thank you to my fellow dimwits.  I really appreciate reading all your comments, all the likes, shares, reblogs, and such.  It means a lot to me.  But once again, a simple thank you isn’t quite enough to show my appreciation.  So how’s about an autographed photo of the Dimwit out on a nice picnic with Jennifer Love Hewitt, laying on the blanket next to one another, doing a little nuzzling while staring away at the puffy clouds.

Sending my love to all of you wonderful guys and gals.  Thanks dimwits.  You’re the best.  

So I promised  some shout outs for this next round.  A promise is a promise is a promise, and I try to make good on my promises.  So here you go.  Here’s some other sites that you dimwits should check out.

1.  Parallel Universe –  It’s my friend Debz!  Besides being super cute and being a delightful soul, she’s also a great writer.  She writes these awesome poems and I’m jealous.  If you’re not a poetry person, fret not.  She also has reviews, excerpts from her book, and a variety of other postings.  Debz would love to have you around, I’m sure.   So go check out her blog please.

2.  Sound Hippy – I’m a music lover.  Can’t get enough of it, so I wanted to give some love for my musician friend, Becky.  She has a video of this really great cover she did of a Nick Drake song, but her originals are freaking sweet too.  So go give Becky’s music a listen and offer to buy her a granola bar or something.  Isn’t that what you hippies eat??  It’s gotta be better than the peanut butter & jelly sandwiches that I lived on the past few months.  Jeez Louise.  It’s good to be working again.

3.  25 To Fly –  Imagine the odds?  Here’s another rock star with the name Becca.  She’s a redheaded twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned business student with a mean set of drums.  Tell me if that isn’t a lethal combination of skills and traits!  Her blog is good for a lot of laughs for sure.   Leave it to those fiery redheads to stir up some trouble.  In the good way, of course.

Well, like I said, I’m super busy but I plan to keep writing and posting whenever I can, when I’m not out mixing it up, making a fool of myself to pretty girls and eating pierogi dinners with these sweet, old ladies that seem to take a liking to the Dimwit.  Perks of the job.  I meet all these nice people when I’m out scouting locations and I get fed well.  I’m about to gain 30 pounds in the next few months.  It’s gonna be awesome just like you dimwits.  Thanks again.

 

Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Purple Heart Vietnam War Veteran Commemorative Poster

So I met a nice gentlemen when I was out scouting yesterday.  Didn’t quite catch his name, but we got to talking.  It was mostly him talking.  He was going on about war, purple hearts, Charlie this, and Charlie that.  I don’t know.  He keeps rambling, so I told him, “Hey buddy, while you’re flapping your gums a million miles a minute, lean up against the parking meter for me, would ya?  I’m gonna take a nice photo of you for my Photoshop tutorial if that’s cool with you.”

The gentlemen told me that he seen the fork-tongued Devil in his living room back when he lived in Kansas, then he says “Yeah, that’s cool.  What’s this for anyway?”  I had him relax his shoulders a little bit.  Told him to give me a big smile.  Snapped the shot, and says, “Well, you like to talk about purple hearts so much, so I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

Since Memorial Day is coming up, I thought for today’s Photoshop lesson it would be a good opportunity to teach you how to turn a purple heart Vietnam War veteran into commemorative poster.  I’d like to dedicate this one to all of those that risk their lives in war and get shot in the leg like my good war friend here – and I wish I caught his name but he was talking so damn much – so we’ll just call him Bruce for the sake of this demonstration.

Let’s go to war, shall we?  We most certainly shall Photoshoppers.

Step 1:  Watch Tons of War Movies 

Part of being a good Photoshopper is knowing how to get in the zone.  Sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s a fifth of whiskey, and sometimes it’s a combination of both.  This particular lesson, we will be getting ourselves into the war zone so to speak.

Since I don’t have money to go rent movies or pay for cable, I went over to my Mom’s house to see what I could dig up.  She had a bunch of romantic comedies and at least a dozen Billy Blanks Tae Bo instructional videos for some ungodly reason.  Billy Blanks would do in a pinch, but then I dug around some more and found a copy of the movie Forrest Gump.  Perfect.  If you don’t have a copy of Forrest Gump, feel free to watch some other classic war movies, like Hot Shots! Part Deux starring another Charlie –  Charlie Sheen.

Step 2:  Photo Correcting; Bringing Bruce’s Eyes To The Forefront

Above is the original, untouched photo of Bruce, our ponytailed war veteran, who was kind enough to volunteer not only his services for America, but also for this Photoshop tutorial.

As you can see, the pipe smoking bulldog Marine Corps ballcap has left a dark shadow, and it’s difficult to make out Bruce’s nice eyes.  I will teach you how to do a photo retouch so that we can make those eyes sparkle like sliver bullets.  Here is the before image of the isolated layer that I will be starting with.

So I was just thinking of this.  Do you guys remember in the movie where Forrest Gump is sitting on the bench talking to some guy, and he says something like, “Oh, yes sir. The bullet bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, cause I still haven’t seen a nickel of that million dollars.”  I was just thinking of that line, and man I wish someone would shoot me in the ass and give me a million dollars.  It would get me out of doing these Photoshop tutorials, but I’m broke as a joke, so let’s keep on keepin’ on.

Go to the Layer tab.  Select New Layer Adjustment from the drop down menu.  There’s a bunch of options from the drop down menu that I have no idea what they’re for, so don’t even bother asking.   I played around with the Levels, Exposure, and the Brightness/Contrast.  Go ahead and play around with the levels of those layers until Bruce’s eyes begin to brighten up a little.

Step 3:  Let’s Get Dodgey

The Dodge Tool can be found on the left hand side of your tools menu.  The icon looks like a lollipop. I have no idea why why it looks like a lollipop, so don’t bother asking me that one either.  There’s no time for questions.  Actually, there probably is time, because Forrest Gump is the longest movie in the history of movies.  I took a two hour nap, and he was still sitting on the same bench talking some poor lady’s ears off.

Select the Dodge Tool, set the exposure level to about a 4 or a 6, and start painting around Bruce’s eyes to lighten them up.  Don’t go too nuts painting around with the lollipop.  It should be a very subtle change, but you’ll notice a big difference when I add the final background in the last step.  Here’s a side by side comparison of the two photos just so you have an idea for now.

Step 4:  The War Is Over

Screw this.  I don’t have the patience anymore.  I don’t think I ever had it in the first place,  so I’m skipping steps 5 through 112.

It’s hard to do these things sober, but when I was eating hotdogs for lunch with Bruce yesterday, he says that the Devil told him during that night back in Kansas that he needs to get his life together, and stop shoving powder up his nose.  Then as the Devil was talking to him, Bruce snorted a few more lines of coke off the coffee table.  He dusted off the remaining powder, looked up, and he seen that it wasn’t the fork-tongued Devil afterall.  It was Jesus H. Christ sitting beside him on his sofa couch having a nice living room chit chat with Bruce.  That was the last time he did cocaine, so if Bruce can pull it together, so can I.

I decided I’m only gonna drink on Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays from here on out.  Something profound happened to me when I used the Dodge Tool to bring Bruce’s eyes to the forefront.  It was like the legally blind, right eye of the purple hearted Bruce peered out from underneath the bulldog ballcap, and spoke directly to me.  The eye whispered, “You foolish dimwit.  I’m concerned that maybe you’re drinking too much.  I’ve been there before, man.  Not with booze, but with narcotics and mountainous piles of blow.  Time to end the war and wrap this sonofabitch up, soldier.  It’s time you end the war with yourself as well.”

Welp, sounds good to me.  So here’s your commemorative poster of the purple heart Vietnam war veteran.  I added a background with fighter choppers and dramatic clouds cause I thought it looked pretty cool.  I kept Bruce’s parking meter so he could have something to lean on since his leg was all shot up, and gave him a badass purple heart tattoo.  I played around with the brightness and contrast layers some more, watched about 6 more hours of Forrest Gump, and here you go.

Congratulations on making your purple heart Vietnam War commemorative poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop Jesus H. Christ sitting on the bench next to Forrest Gump and telling him to shut his piehole with all the lying, life if like a box of chocolates, overly exaggerated, drawn out stories.  Honest to God, that movie is at least 4 hours long.  Billy Blanks needs to give Forrest Gump a few Tae Bo’s to the back of the head or something, and tell him to speed it up a little.

Well anyway, a special thanks to all those that have volunteered their services and to those that gave up their lives to make this world a better place.  You are gone but not forgotten.  See you dimwits the next time.

Chris Hinton’s Pathway To Success

Ahhhhh, I’m so pumped right now!  I just got a call an hour ago for work.  This is incredibly exciting news.  I can’t even begin to tell you why, but I’m going to try anyhow.

I don’t know many of the details about the project just yet.  I just know it’s a TV pilot of some sort and I have to read the script and begin preparing for work tonight.  I’ll be working on the project the next three days and possibly the next few weeks and beyond.  That’s how it goes in the film industry.  One minute you’re busy writing and creating a blog, avoiding friends and social obligations to focus all your energies into doing something that you really love, and the next minute you get a call at 6:30 PM on a Friday evening.

“What are you doing this weekend?  How about the next few months?  You busy, or you wanna start scouting tomorrow on a TV pilot?”

Hell yeah, I wanna start scouting tomorrow on a TV pilot!  If you dimwits only knew how challenging the past few months have been for me.  I’ve been out of work for a long time.  Without boring you with all the details, the state of Pennsylvania had a major snafu with our film tax incentive this year, which meant that me and a lot of my friends were without work.  No work means funds dwindle quickly, bills go unpaid, and you eat lots of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  And worse yet, it leaves you with no money to drink booze.  Being broke sucks a fat one.

Boo hoo, you putz.  Get another job.  But it’s not that easy, and I didn’t want to get another job making $7 an hour.  It’s a waste of time.  I realize some people have to do it to support their families, which kudos to them, but I don’t have a family to support, so I’d rather have my bills go unpaid than work at a crummy job taking home $200 a week.  Instead of working at a job for slave wages, I used the opportunity to do some writing and maybe begin establishing my future.

The film industry is a great gig, but it’s too unpredictable.  One year you make great money, and the next year you make jack crap.  I’m terrible at budgeting money, so this year I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, holed myself up in my apartment, and wrote my ass off the past few months trying to establish a future for the next time I’m out of work.

I don’t know where any of it’s headed.  Maybe there isn’t a future in writing for me, but I have to find out.  So that’s why I started this blog.  To practice writing, to put my creative talents to work, and to build up a network of fellow writers, artists, and creative spirits.

It seems to be going well so far.  I’ve gotten nearly 2,000 followers in two months, and the  feedback has been very kind.  It gives me encouragement to keep writing, so I just wanted to say thanks.  The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches taste extra good after hearing things like, “This is my new favorite blog.”  “You’re really hilarious!”  “OMG, I want to totally marry you and have six of your curly headed babies.”

Well, all right.  This has been a very good day.  It’s maybe premature, but I’m going to use my credit card to go buy some whiskey tonight, and read through a script until 3 in the morning, make some notes, wake up 3 hours later, and go to work.  I might not be available to reply to comments as much in the next few weeks, but I’ll try my best, because your comments are what kept me going these past few months.  It might sound like BS, but it’s true.  So keep commenting if you’d like, but don’t take offense if I don’t respond for a while.  It just means I’m busy with work, or drunk on whiskey, dancing around my apartment naked at 2 AM, which happens more than I’d like to admit.

Anyway, since you guys have been so cool to me, I wanted to leave you with my keys for a pathway to success.  I realize someone who just spent the past few months eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches probably isn’t the best spokesperson for success, but I can feel it just around the bend.  I think I’m a few years away from accomplishing some big things, so I’m going to let you in on my secrets so you can achieve success as well.

It’s time to go buy some whiskey and read a script.  I’ll leave you with Chris Hinton’s Pathway To Success.  Print it out, hang it on your fridge.  Look at it everyday.  Cheers, you dimwits.  Thanks for being awesome.