A Day In the Life of a Movie Location Scout

001 Pittsburgh

Well, Pittsburgh’s no Qatar, but it is definitely a beautiful city.  This is a shot taken from the rooftop of the Convention Center in downtown.  You should see it all lit up at night.  I love my city.  I love Pittsburgh.

I worked 20 hours yesterday.  Ah, yeah.  I’m officially back to scouting on the movies, and it feels good, if only for just this week.  There’s more work coming down the pike and I’ll be back at it full time very soon.  Making that ca$h monies, living the dream.

Scouting on movies is wild.  It’s full throttle, action packed, hustling, on the go.  Seeing some of the most interesting and beautiful locations all over the city and surrounding areas, and meeting all sorts of people.  Just to give you an example of an average day, a few of yesterday’s highlights went like this:

– Scouted several ornate churches built in the early 1900’s.  Got the history on Tiffany Glass stained windows, and got to see the windows up close and personal.  Climbed to the bell tower, got pigeon poop in my eye, but the view was worth it.  Not too many people get to climb the bell tower.

– Scouted the Convention Center.  Security guard told me all about how her daughter was an extra in a movie.  She wants to be an extra in a movie, too.  Everyone everywhere you go wants to be an extra and wants you to keep them informed when the movie fires up.  It’s exhausting, but people are so friendly and nice.

– Scouted a hotel restaurant.  The one waitress gave me the history of the giant mural painted on the wall.  She pointed out several flaws in the painting then insisted I check out their new speak easy restaurant and led me downstairs to peek in the window.  The gal was pretty, blond and enthusiastic.  I think she liked me.  I took a photo of her and two of the other waiters, and told her I’d be back sometime to say hello.

– Ran into a homeless person.  She wanted me to take her photo sitting on a bench.  I did. Then she asked me what I was doing.  I explained I was scouting on a movie, and she told me of her concerns that if we choose this particular church for a location, she and the other homeless people won’t have a place to sleep on the adjacent hidden sidewalk at night.  I assured her I would take care of her, and see to it that she has a place to sleep somewhere else if we end up filming here.  Said goodbye.  Had to run.

Speaking of having to run, gotta go.  I had a short break in between making phone calls to set up appointments today.  I have a list of 20 locations to try and get into today and tomorrow.  Many more adventures to be had.  Just wanted to check in.  I’ll respond to comments and such maybe this weekend.  I have another 20 hour day ahead of me.   Cheers.

One last thing, please do me a favor.  I like to help people out when I can.  This really talented artist that goes by the name Alexandra is in a competition.  She’s so sweet and talented (and super cute!)  She’s just got a great spirit about her and very humble.   I want to help her win this competition, so could you please click the link and vote for her on Facebook.  It will only take less than 2 minutes of your time.  I worked a 20 hour day, but I took the time to try and help her out.  It would mean a lot if you dimwits did the same.

Click the link here to go vote for her.  Also, check out her site.  She has this favorite series of mine with these cities of miniature houses she makes out of paper receipts and candy wrappers.  It’s truly amazing.  Give it a look when you get some time.  Thanks so much.  Off for some more adventuring…

002 Pittsburgh003 Pittsburgh004 Pittsburgh005 Pittsburgh006 Pittsburgh

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Photoshop Lessons – How To Photoshop A Mary Poppins Flying Umbrella Witch Poster

Well, first off, let me begin with an apology.  I was not myself the last tutorial.  I was angry.  I was furious.  I wanted to smash Jon Bon Jovi’s face off the side of a curb and bury his Olivia Newton-John looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey.  It was just a very bad day, but nothing that a lot of whiskey and a few jagerbombs can’t fix.  So, sorry for that.   Pulled it together, dusted myself off, and ready to go.  It’s time to begin our supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Mary Poppins lesson.

001 Chris Mary Poppins

So let me be the first to admit that I’ve never seen this damn movie in my entire life.  You’d have to shoot me first before I go around watching Mary Poppins.  But somebody made the request that since we did ferocious wolves in pop up tents the last time, this time could I do one more for the ladies and gay gentlemen.  So I said, “Fine.  It would be my pleasure.”

Since I’m not familiar with Mary Poppins, I did a little fishing around online.  As far as I can tell, it’s about some super nanny that flies around like a witch, wearing floppy hats, except for using brooms to fly around in, she uses an umbrella.  Sounds like a winner.  I’ll be sure to check it out sometime, right after I finish up my will and swallow a fist full of pills.

Let’s begin today’s Photoshop lesson and get it over with, shall we?  I suppose we shall.

Step 1:  Pray To Jesus

This step is self explanatory, so no need to ramble on.  In addition to praying to Jesus, I will be listening to lots of Pantera.  Ladies and gay gentlemen, feel free to substitute Pantera with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Whatever floats your boat.  To each their own.

Step 2:  Selecting Flying Umbrella Witch Images To Combine

002 Mom and Mary Poppins

Above are the two primary images I’ll be combining together to make our Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  On the far right is a photo of my Mom and my youngest sister.  As you can see, my Mom is making her usual goofy face, holding an umbrella the size of Jupiter, and doing her best to embarrass me in public.  She will make a perfect Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch for the purpose of this demonstration for sure.

Step 3:  Getting Rid Of The Floppy Hat Flying Umbrella Witch

So by now, you’ve already learned to do enough lassoing of ferocious wolf heads and smoking hot blonds in previous lessons, so I’m going to skip that portion.  I will teach you some new tricks to become a Photoshop master like me, so one day all of your friends will bow down to you in mighty awe.

Go to the upper, left hand corner and select the Clone Stamp Tool.  Here is a visual of where you can find the tool.  Take a good look, cause it’s the last time you’ll be seeing super nanny flying through the air, toting around her oversized duffle bag, and looking pensively off into the distance with her rosy cheeked witch face.

003 Cloning Mary Poppins Rosy Cheeked Witch Face

So basically, I’ll try to walk you through this as best I can in as few words as possible.  I don’t feel like being here all day looking at flying umbrella witches, as I’m sure you don’t either.

Make a new layer of the Mary Poppins original photo.  Once you’ve got a new layer, select a sample of the clouds using the Clone Stamp Tool by pressing Option click.  Once you’ve got a sample to clone with, you will essentially be copying portions of the sky and clouds to cover up super nanny extraordinaire.  Here is a visual of what the process should look like.

004 Screaming Bald Headed Eagle

Son of a bitch, not again.  Sorry for the screaming bald-headed eagle Photoshoppers.  That’s my mistake, so just ignore.  We will get to you in a minute baldy, so shut your beak and give it a rest with all the screaming before I lasso that beak shut for good.  I already have enough of a pounding headache between Pantera and flying umbrella witches, and honest to God.

I have no idea why I do this crap to myself.  Making these Photoshop tutorials.  I never liked Photoshop in college to begin with, so here I am teaching Photoshop lessons on Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bangs.  I swear it’s like I lived another life and was sent back to teach Photoshop lessons as a punishment or something.  Well, just ignore the screaming bald-headed eagle, and let’s move on before I have another nervous breakdown and have to go see my doctor again.

005 Floppy Wearing Hat Umbrella Witch With A Cloud Face

So as you can see from the photo above, I replaced the rosy cheeked witch face with a cloud.  If you look closely, you can see that I sampled the cloud to the immediate left, and basically just cloned that cloud to cover up Poppins’ floppy hat wearing face, which if you ask me is an improvement.   No offense to any Marry Poppins fans out there.  All things aside, I’m sure she’s a terrific nanny.

So that’s what you’ll wanna do.  Keep taking samples of the sky and clouds near the area that you want to cover over, so it matches up pretty close.  Doesn’t have to be perfect, because most of it will be covered up with my Mom and her umbrella the size of Jupiter in the next step.

Step 4:  Superimposing My Mom And Her Umbrella The Size Of Jupiter

Welp, that’s it.  I hate to cut this short, but I’ve reached my limit and we’re only 5 minutes into this godforsaken thing.  There’s only so much of flying umbrella witches a person can take.  I’ve got some frisbee to go play, so here’s the deal.  Basically, I lassoed my Mom and her big ass umbrella and made a new layer.  I took that image, and imported it into the Poppins photo.

It’s gets complicated from there, so you know what.  If you want a futher lesson, then how about you dimwits give me a call.  I’ll come over, we’ll drink some whiskey, smoke a cigar, and Photoshop flying umbrella witches all night until the sun comes up.  It’ll be a great time.  And if you’re a nice lady and you want a lesson, it will be an even greater time, except for I’ll either be passed out drunk or probably just be puking in the bathroom after staring at floppy hat witches all day, so probably won’t be as great of a time on second thought.  But just call me or something, cause this is getting to be a real headache for me to keep typing it out like this.  Whatever I did in the past life musta been something major, that’s all I can figure.

I’m wrapping this nightmare Poppins witchfest up, and getting sloshed.

Here’s your Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  I added in a screaming bald-headed eagle, because I saw in a few photos that Mary Poppins likes birds.  Just for good measure, I added a wicked thunderstorm and a couple of fierce lightening bolts, cause I thought it looked pretty cool, and more like something that super nanny witches would probably be into.  I also gave my Mom a rosy cheeked witch face, so here you go.

006 Mary Poppins Flying Umbrella Witch Poster Final

Congratulations on making a Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  That concludes the tutorial for today.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop yourself into the previous life, and correct all the mistakes you’ve made using the Magic Eraser Tool found in the upper, left hand corner.  Can’t wait.

Rejected Match.com Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> A Slam Dunk

Hello, ladies.  Hello, there dimwits.  Hello there once again ladies.   So I made this Match.com profile and it got rejected.  Nothing like hopping onto a dating website to make a love connection, and receiving the first rejection right out of the gate.

SUBMISSION REJECTED.

Whatever, it’s their loss.  That’s what I typed in the comments section of their online customer service form, and then signed it, “Suck on a fat one, you dongs.”

I didn’t get a reply, so I figured I’d give it a shot here on the Dimwit Diary.   C’mon fate, whatch’ya got for me Universe?  The Captain’s on the rebound and he’s looking to score a put back.  Fingers crossed.  Here goes nothing…but hopefully something.

Dimwit Diary Match Dot Com Profile

Hello.  My name is Chris and I enjoy wearing Aspen cologne.  Some of my other favorite fragrances are Brut by Fabergé, Claiborne Curve, Cool Water, Burberry, Tiffany for Men, and Stetson Black.  I guess if you were to categorize me by any one cologne, it would have to be Stetson Black – the sexy, sophisticated fragrance of the American West, with a blend of warm spices & fresh woods.

I have many hobbies and interests.  I enjoy frisbee golf, hacky sack, drum circles, clog dancing, planking, spelunking, spackling, bird watching, barbecue sauce, laser tag, hosting Tupperware parties with my crazy, yet lovable Aunt Leanoa, Segway tours, horse riding, horseshoes, horseradish, horse whispering, horses, dynamite bass fishing, Home Depot, Marco Polo, Ralph Lauren Polo, Polo Chicken, Mexico,  long walks on the beach, Dentyne Ice, flash mobs, flash animation, Flash Gordon, Jeff Gordon, Gordon Ramsey, pickles, reciting trivia facts on the Bailundo Revolt of 1902, building sandcastles, White Castle, my friend John Castle, curly straws, roller skating, ant farms, organic farms, horse farms, horse races, horse shows, horse jockeys, horse basketball, horsing around, horses, jalapeño peppers, Scattergories, allegories, John Tesh, and performing my infamous Tickle Me Elmo impersonation at fancy dinner parties, just to name a few.

I am a real movie buff.  I have purchased over 1,000 illegal copies of DVDs from a Chinaman down the street, but my all time favorite movie is “The Legend of Bagger Vance” starring Will Smith.  While I tend to enjoy most genres of movies, my favorite movies are the ones that depict the story of down-and-out golfers who discover the meaning of life through a mystical caddy.   Yours should be, too.

I was ready to give up on dating all together after the previous girl I dated turned out to be on America’s Top 100 Wanted Criminals, and I had to turn her in after we finished eating a delicious dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, then I saw her face plastered on all 70 of their giant ass, flat screen TVs.   I was through with dating, but a friend of mine told me to try this dating site out to “Score you a put back, home slizzle.”  I still wasn’t convinced, however.

I’ve never been much of a balla’ as my favorite rap artist, Bubba Sparxxx, likes to spit mad rhymes about, but I’m ready to get back in the game after moving back in with my mother at age 35, and holding many late night conversations with her while playing five-card Cribbage, sipping citrus lavender hot tea, and sharing inspirational, heartwarming tales of triumphant love and fuzzy romance.

I am looking for a boo who is nice, down to earth, has great penmanship, a winning smile, a passion for turtlenecks, can recite all the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby, prefers Jack Link’s Original Hickory Smokehouse beef jerky, has sandy blond hair, enjoys playing teacher / naughty school boy role playing, has shaved legs, trimmed mustache, a daring personality, witty charm, and can do a hilarious, British accent like my Garmin GPS.

If you have any questions, just ask me.  I’m currently unemployed and usually just sitting around the house all day watching videos of bizarre animal mating rituals, so chances are I’ll be able to get back to you pretty quickly.

Hit me up, buttercup.  This balla’ is ready to make a slam dunk.

* Serious inquiries only *

Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Sparkly Vampire Twilight Poster

Photoshop is a very useful tool.  It can be used for all sorts of things, like designing websites, retouching photos, or turning a homoeratic photo of you and your brother into a dazzling, sparkling Twilight poster that all of your friends will surely marvel over, such as this delightful gem.

001 Sparkly Vampire Twilight Poster

For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to make your very own sparkly vampire Twilight poster.  Don’t worry if you’re a Photoshop novice and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, or if you don’t use Photoshop at all.  There are plenty of bad jokes I’ll be telling throughout the tutorial, so feel free to read along no matter what your Photoshop skill level may be.  Let’s get this Photoshop party started, shall we?

Step 1:  Pour A Shot Of Whiskey

Let’s face it, Photoshop can be really boring.  Retouching photos is a tedious process, that’s why I like to pour myself a shot of whiskey before I begin no matter if it’s morning, noon or night.  It really helps to get the creative juices flowing.  I also like to design crudely drawn stick figure logos that I send to advertising agencies looking to hire a skilled graphic designer, but that’s another lesson for another time.

My drink of choice is Makers Mark, but any old kind of whiskey will do for achieving great success.  Bottoms up.  You are now ready to roll up the sleeves and begin today’s lesson.

Whiskey Glass

Step 2:  Choose A Photo To Begin With

Choosing the right photo to begin with is paramount if you’re to end up with a stellar finished piece.  For this demonstration, I chose a photo of my brother and I when we paused for a impromptu maternity photo shoot in the middle of the woods for some inexplainable reason.

If you don’t have a maternity photo of your own to work with, no worries.  Choose a photo where you are looking off in the distance all dreamy like and whatnot, just like your all time favoritest actors Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner.  Below is the original, untouched photo that I will be using for this tutorial.

003 Chris and Joe Maternity Photo

Step 3:  Removing The Background; Magnets Are Pretty Cool

The background of the original photo isn’t awful, but it doesn’t exactly scream werewolves and vampires.  It needs to be replaced with something more enchanting to really create that mysterious, fantasy world effect.  But first, I’m going to remove the original background.

There are multiple tools available in Photoshop for making selections.  No doubt I will be recommending that you use the most unfavorable tool by professional designers, being that I was usually out playing ultimate frisbee rather then attending my graphic design classes in college.  I’ll drink to $60,000 dollars down the tubes and to racking up a massive debt.  Three cheers for frisbee!  Damn you frisbee.  You ruined my life.

Now that you are slightly buzzed, go to the upper left hand corner and select the Lasso Tool.  I usually prefer the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the drop down menu primarily because I think magnets are pretty cool.  I enjoy collecting them and hanging them on my fridge just like my late Nana used to do.  I’ve collected magnets from 32 states and 8 different countries, and also a magnet of Fabio that was given to me as a gag gift.

004 Team Jacob

Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove.  Carefully make your selection, then hit the delete button.  Presto!  The original background is removed from the photo and you should end up with an isolated layer that looks like so.

005 I Want To Marry Edward Cullen And Have His Vampire Babies!!!!!

Step 4:  Replace The Original Background With An Image Stolen From The Internet

Now it’s time to replace the original background.  I did a Google search for “Fantasy Forest Backgrounds” and found a lot of great photos to steal.  I downloaded about 10 photos to play around with before settling on this one.  You may have to try a photo that’s lighter, darker, or a different color depending on the lighting of your original photo.  Experiment with different images and choose a background photo that you like best.  You are doing great!  You will be a sparkly vampire in no time.

006 I Read All Four Books In The Twilight Series!!!!!

Step 5:  Human Skin Is The Worst

In the original photo, you notice that our skin looks way too human.  It’s red and orange, and it sure doesn’t look like the kind of skin that can make you run faster than a mountain lion or stop a moving car with your bare hands.  Let’s take another drink and fix that.

Similar to how I made a selection to remove the background, I will now make a selection of the unsightly human skin to add to a new layer.  It might look a little strange for now, but that’s probably because you’ve been drinking way too much, you silly goose!  Quit farting around and put the whiskey down.  Your selection should look something like this.

007 Fabio

Oh, hey there.  Didn’t mean to include a photo of Fabio that I lifted from the Official Fabio International Fan Club wearing his leather jacket, with thumb tucked into his mom jeans looking ever so el casuél.

I think maybe I’ve had one too many drinks myself.  Here is the isolated skin selection that I meant to include.  We look like we were dipped in acid.

008 Twilight Is The Greatest Love Story Ever Told!!!!

Step 6:  Make Yourself Sparkle 

I sure miss grandma.  She made the best banana loaf bread.  I wish that she had been born a vampire and didn’t age since 1918 just like Edward, but alas, grandma was born a mortal like Bella Swan and died of chronic liver disease.  I hope this tutorial has been fun and enlightening so far.  Now let’s wrap it up, shall we dimwits?

You are probably feeling pretty good by now, so I won’t go into too many boring details unless you wanna pay me lots of cash monies so that I can eat tonight.  No?  Okay, moving on.

To make the skin pasty white – you know, because vampires hate light, except for the fact that the vampires in Twilight walked around in the daylight all the time, but we won’t get into that here, now will we –  I adjusted the levels using the Selective Color, Gradient Map, and Exposure tools found in the Layers drop down menu.  I also added an outer glow to the layer of me awkwardly straddling my brother using Layer Styles.  It’s looking pretty fly for two pasty white guys.  The sparkly vampire Twilight poster is nearly complete.

009 Kristen Stewart Should Win An Academy Award For Her Fine Acting Skills!!!!

Step 7:  Get Punched In The Face

The poster is lacking something to give it that final punch.  It needs more Fabio.  Because what is a sparkly vampire Twilight poster without some long hair flowing, chisel-chested Fabio staring dreamily at us with those engaging eyes.  Punch us in the face, Fabio, but please go gentle with our hearts.

I’d like to raise one last toast.  To the fabulous Fabio, ladies and gentlemen, to my fellow dimwits.  Prepare to keep those glasses raised, because you will be the toast of the town when you reveal your finished poster to your friends and colleagues.

010 Fabio Ladies And Gentlemen...FABIO!!!!!!!

Congratulations on becoming the newest Hollywood star of the greatest movie series ever made, and cheers to you for a job well done.  That concludes the Photoshop tutorial for today.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop yourself into a Manotaur with a Mike Tyson face tattoo.