Chris Hinton’s Life Book – Chapter One

Get this you dimwits.  So my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child.   The adoption agency asked her to put together what’s called a life book.  Essentially, a life book is an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).

Here’s the thing though.  My former room mate is single.  She asked that when the adoption finally goes through, would I mind spending some time with the kid on occasion so that he has a male figure in his life.  Are you kidding me?!!  I didn’t even have to think about it twice.  I said, “Sure.  Have the little runt come up to mow the grass and fetch me a beer while I’m watching Sports Center or something.”  Man oh day.  Me, the Dimwit, a father figure of sorts.  Break out the fat cigars.  This is gonna be something special.

It wasn’t required, but I went ahead and put together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well.  Junior, meet your new daddy!!!

Hey Junior.  Check this shiznit out.  Here’s your Papi with your aunt and uncle getting ready to go over to our friend’s house to watch the Steelers game.   We love football and bleed the black and gold.  Go Stillers!!!  Stairway to Seven, baby!!!!

Oh, no big deal.  It’s just your daddy paragliding off the Swiss freaking Alps son!!!  What a rush.  I love traveling and taking adventures.  One day, that will be me and you jumping off the cliffs, dodging trains, racing cars for pink slips, and skydiving 12,000 feet from out of an airplane.  We gotta wait until you’re at least 9 or 10 before we start doing all of that stuff though.  Keep it on the down low or else Mom will have a major conniption fit.

Look who it is!  It’s your cousins from Arkansas after your Pops took them out for a mani/pedi.  I had the nice Asian lady paint a unicorn on my index finger.  Tried to anyhow but there was a bit of a language barrier trying to explain what a unicorn was to her and she jacked it all up.  It’s cool though, it still turned out better than my last mani/pedi.

Now who are these strangers?  That’s two of your uncles hiding eggs for an Easter egg hunt!  That’ll be you out in the yard, looking for eggs one day.  Holidays are always a fun time out at Gram’s.  Picnics, and grilling, and shooting bottle rockets at each other on 4th of July.  Some good times ahead, buddy.  I can’t wait.

Boy, I remember this one.  This is the day your daddy damn near had a nervous breakdown.   Had to make an emergency visit with the doctor and everything.  I’ve had a few more mental meltdowns since then, but your daddy is a survivor.  Got a cocktail of pills and a fifth of Jack, and a new son!!!  Which reminds me, I better get a refill before your paperwork goes through.

Here’s your daddy at the roller skating rink with his good friend Ana.  Isn’t Ana a hottie McTottie?!   I’d take you roller skating, but I was banned for life from ever going back there again.  Long story, but I can still take you to the arcade or my cousin’s bar that has all these really cool stuffed animals that he shot in Africa, or somewhere like that.  You’re gonna love cousin Joe’s place.  It’s better than the zoo any old day of the week!

Here’s your daddy putting on his Sunday best, on the way to morning church services.

Watch out!!!  Fire in the hole!!!  This is when my flipping drunk friends almost burnt down the entire cabin, so daddy had to swoop in and take some quick action to save the day.  Bet you didn’t know your daddy was a superhero, did you?!!  Alls I need now is a cape!!

Just mixing and mingling it up at the Christmas party.  Keeping it fresh with the ladies.  Daddy’s gonna bring you home a new mama so you can have two of them!!  Wouldn’t that be fun?  Shoot, maybe I’ll even fetch you three mamas if I play my cards right.  Can never have too many mamas, son, especially the sugar mamas.

Here’s your daddy scotch taping an LED light to his eye like the Terminator.  I went around the house knocking over tables, breaking lamps, chasing after your Gram pretending that she was Sarah Connor, and threatening to exterminate her.   What a great night.  You’ll absolutely love the family, Junior.  We’re a close-knit bunch.

Well, hasta la vista baby!  It’s almost Friday night, and I gotta go to the Casino to try and win back my savings that I blew last Friday night.  If you don’t hear from me for a while, it just means that daddy’s gotta hide out a little, lay low on the lamb for a spell.  I’ll send ya another life book soon, buddy.  Introduce you to some more of the cousins and family.

Stay in touch son.  We’re gonna have one hell of a time, me and you and mommy.  Big hugs and high fives.  Gotta run.

The Emmaus House

Man, you dimwits.  I don’t know what’s happening.  I can’t sleep.  It’s 1:47 AM.  It’s raining.  Heavy thunderstorms and crashing lightening.  I have the windows opened.  There’s a nice breeze and it’s rather peaceful.  I like thunderstorms.  There’s probably some sort of metaphor in there to sum up my life.  Heavy thunderstorms and crashing lightening bring me peace.

Listen, I joke around a lot.  This is a humor blog primarily but sometimes you have to know when to put jokes aside.  This is one of those times.

I just wrote to some missionary friends of mine that are living in Haiti.  Sent them a message on Facebook at 12:48 AM.  The one gal responded immediately at exactly 1:00 AM.  What in the world is she doing up at 1:00 AM?  What possible reasons could there be for her to still be awake?  Probably for the same reasons as me.  She has a lot on her mind.

My friend Jillian and her husband Hunter are responsible for taking care of dozens of orphans in the city of Cap-Haitien.  Tragic cases.  Kids who lost their parents to earthquakes, kids who had their parents give them up because they can’t afford to feed them.  It’s a real mess.  It’s sad.  It would break your heart if you only knew their stories.

I know firsthand because I went on a food and medical relief trip to the Haitian orphanage back in March of 2012.  I paid for the trip myself.  I was doing well financially at the time and I didn’t feel comfortable asking people for money to fund my trip.  It’s just a weird thing with me.  I don’t like asking people for money if it’s for my sake.  I’d rather starve.

I was working on a movie at the time that just started gearing up.  When I returned from the mission trip, I had lost my job.  Budget cuts.  I didn’t make the cut.  The trip cost me thousands and thousands of dollars because of the lost work.  It’s partially why I’m in the hole so much right now, but I don’t care.  I’d do it all over again because my poverty is nothing like the poverty these poor kids have to go through.  I have a roof over my head and a soft pillow to fall asleep at night.

God, I’m actually tearing up right now as I’m typing this.  Honestly, I’m a mess.  I’m sober.  That’s the problem.  Sure, that’s it.  Knock yourself out with some whiskey, kid, but it doesn’t change certain things no matter how much you drink yourself silly.  I can’t get these beautiful Haitian kids off my mind.  And that’s a good thing on a stormy night for a wild insomniac like myself.  Compassion can go a long ways.

I don’t have money right now.  I’m honestly broke.  But what I do have is an small audience of people that are reading my stuff.  Writing is cool, the recent recognition is nice.  I’m honored that I’ve been able to connect with so many strangers through my words.  But to me the real gift and the real talent is what a person is willing to give back if they’ve been blessed with a certain talent.

I have a platform at the moment being that I was just Freshly Pressed.  That platform might not last long.  I’m busy working on another film project and it consumes all my time.  The blog is gonna take a hit. People move onto the next funny blog or the next interesting thing if you’re too idle.  People want entertainment, they expect performance.  Rightfully so.  That’s fair.  I won’t be performing much in the next few months I’m afraid, so I’ll lose some people along the way.

I’m tired as hell.  I haven’t slept much the past week.  Tomorrow, the clouds will lift and the feeling of peace will pass.  It’s gonna hurt like a sonofabitch.  I have to be up in a few hours.  But this is important.  One day or one week of my restlessness could mean a happy and joyful life for one of these Haitian kids.  No pressure.  I can’t sleep.  So I’m up late writing, asking you guys for help.

The following links I’m about to share are religious based.  I don’t care what your religious affiliation is or isn’t.  I’ll be honest.  I avoid talking about religion because I’ve never seen one topic divide so many people.  I’m not interested in dividing folks.  I’m interested in bringing people together if I have an opportunity to do so.  I have an opportunity.  Right now at 1:47 on a stormy night in Pittsburgh.  So please consider checking out these links and donating some money if you’re able.  You hear it all the time, but it’s true.  Any amount no matter how small will help.  And if you’re not able to donate or don’t feel moved to donate, that’s cool too.  I can’t donate either at the moment, but consider finding another way to help out people out if you’re able.  Be good, little dimwits.  Bless your hearts.

1.  Emmaus House – A blurb from Hunter & Jillian’s website:  “A home to transition young adults from Cap Haitien Children’s Home to independent living. To provide life skills, professional skills, and education to afford them the opportunity to be faithful, strong, knowledgeable, followers of Christ and able to spread the gospel in Haiti.”

2.  Jillian’s Blog – Jillian shares confessions of what it’s like to be a missionary.  Honest, powerful read.  Check it out.  Tell Jillian the Dimwit sent you, and give her a hard time.  And tell her to go to bed!  1:00 AM?  Crazy talk.

3.  The Emmaus House Facebook Page – Lots of updates, stories and profiles on the kids, and other cool stuff.  Give it a Like please.

4.  Hunter’s Photography Site – Hunter’s the man!  C’mon, his name is Hunter.  He takes great photos and let’s you experience Haiti through the lens of his camera.  Give his blog a look and a follow.  He’s a big nerd, and gets all juiced up about those sorts of things like most of us tend to do.

Okay, well I think I can rest peacefully now and catch a few hours of sleep.  I just really needed to do this.  It’s been on my mind for a while now.  Hunter and Jillian are such great people, and the life of a missionary is not an easy one.

I kid you not, the rain just stopped.  There’s another metaphor in there or something.  Time for bed, but not before I leave you with a few photos from my trip.  I have a lot more but this will do for now.

Take care dimwits.  Thanks for being awesome.

Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Purple Heart Vietnam War Veteran Commemorative Poster

So I met a nice gentlemen when I was out scouting yesterday.  Didn’t quite catch his name, but we got to talking.  It was mostly him talking.  He was going on about war, purple hearts, Charlie this, and Charlie that.  I don’t know.  He keeps rambling, so I told him, “Hey buddy, while you’re flapping your gums a million miles a minute, lean up against the parking meter for me, would ya?  I’m gonna take a nice photo of you for my Photoshop tutorial if that’s cool with you.”

The gentlemen told me that he seen the fork-tongued Devil in his living room back when he lived in Kansas, then he says “Yeah, that’s cool.  What’s this for anyway?”  I had him relax his shoulders a little bit.  Told him to give me a big smile.  Snapped the shot, and says, “Well, you like to talk about purple hearts so much, so I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

Since Memorial Day is coming up, I thought for today’s Photoshop lesson it would be a good opportunity to teach you how to turn a purple heart Vietnam War veteran into commemorative poster.  I’d like to dedicate this one to all of those that risk their lives in war and get shot in the leg like my good war friend here – and I wish I caught his name but he was talking so damn much – so we’ll just call him Bruce for the sake of this demonstration.

Let’s go to war, shall we?  We most certainly shall Photoshoppers.

Step 1:  Watch Tons of War Movies 

Part of being a good Photoshopper is knowing how to get in the zone.  Sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s a fifth of whiskey, and sometimes it’s a combination of both.  This particular lesson, we will be getting ourselves into the war zone so to speak.

Since I don’t have money to go rent movies or pay for cable, I went over to my Mom’s house to see what I could dig up.  She had a bunch of romantic comedies and at least a dozen Billy Blanks Tae Bo instructional videos for some ungodly reason.  Billy Blanks would do in a pinch, but then I dug around some more and found a copy of the movie Forrest Gump.  Perfect.  If you don’t have a copy of Forrest Gump, feel free to watch some other classic war movies, like Hot Shots! Part Deux starring another Charlie –  Charlie Sheen.

Step 2:  Photo Correcting; Bringing Bruce’s Eyes To The Forefront

Above is the original, untouched photo of Bruce, our ponytailed war veteran, who was kind enough to volunteer not only his services for America, but also for this Photoshop tutorial.

As you can see, the pipe smoking bulldog Marine Corps ballcap has left a dark shadow, and it’s difficult to make out Bruce’s nice eyes.  I will teach you how to do a photo retouch so that we can make those eyes sparkle like sliver bullets.  Here is the before image of the isolated layer that I will be starting with.

So I was just thinking of this.  Do you guys remember in the movie where Forrest Gump is sitting on the bench talking to some guy, and he says something like, “Oh, yes sir. The bullet bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, cause I still haven’t seen a nickel of that million dollars.”  I was just thinking of that line, and man I wish someone would shoot me in the ass and give me a million dollars.  It would get me out of doing these Photoshop tutorials, but I’m broke as a joke, so let’s keep on keepin’ on.

Go to the Layer tab.  Select New Layer Adjustment from the drop down menu.  There’s a bunch of options from the drop down menu that I have no idea what they’re for, so don’t even bother asking.   I played around with the Levels, Exposure, and the Brightness/Contrast.  Go ahead and play around with the levels of those layers until Bruce’s eyes begin to brighten up a little.

Step 3:  Let’s Get Dodgey

The Dodge Tool can be found on the left hand side of your tools menu.  The icon looks like a lollipop. I have no idea why why it looks like a lollipop, so don’t bother asking me that one either.  There’s no time for questions.  Actually, there probably is time, because Forrest Gump is the longest movie in the history of movies.  I took a two hour nap, and he was still sitting on the same bench talking some poor lady’s ears off.

Select the Dodge Tool, set the exposure level to about a 4 or a 6, and start painting around Bruce’s eyes to lighten them up.  Don’t go too nuts painting around with the lollipop.  It should be a very subtle change, but you’ll notice a big difference when I add the final background in the last step.  Here’s a side by side comparison of the two photos just so you have an idea for now.

Step 4:  The War Is Over

Screw this.  I don’t have the patience anymore.  I don’t think I ever had it in the first place,  so I’m skipping steps 5 through 112.

It’s hard to do these things sober, but when I was eating hotdogs for lunch with Bruce yesterday, he says that the Devil told him during that night back in Kansas that he needs to get his life together, and stop shoving powder up his nose.  Then as the Devil was talking to him, Bruce snorted a few more lines of coke off the coffee table.  He dusted off the remaining powder, looked up, and he seen that it wasn’t the fork-tongued Devil afterall.  It was Jesus H. Christ sitting beside him on his sofa couch having a nice living room chit chat with Bruce.  That was the last time he did cocaine, so if Bruce can pull it together, so can I.

I decided I’m only gonna drink on Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays from here on out.  Something profound happened to me when I used the Dodge Tool to bring Bruce’s eyes to the forefront.  It was like the legally blind, right eye of the purple hearted Bruce peered out from underneath the bulldog ballcap, and spoke directly to me.  The eye whispered, “You foolish dimwit.  I’m concerned that maybe you’re drinking too much.  I’ve been there before, man.  Not with booze, but with narcotics and mountainous piles of blow.  Time to end the war and wrap this sonofabitch up, soldier.  It’s time you end the war with yourself as well.”

Welp, sounds good to me.  So here’s your commemorative poster of the purple heart Vietnam war veteran.  I added a background with fighter choppers and dramatic clouds cause I thought it looked pretty cool.  I kept Bruce’s parking meter so he could have something to lean on since his leg was all shot up, and gave him a badass purple heart tattoo.  I played around with the brightness and contrast layers some more, watched about 6 more hours of Forrest Gump, and here you go.

Congratulations on making your purple heart Vietnam War commemorative poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop Jesus H. Christ sitting on the bench next to Forrest Gump and telling him to shut his piehole with all the lying, life if like a box of chocolates, overly exaggerated, drawn out stories.  Honest to God, that movie is at least 4 hours long.  Billy Blanks needs to give Forrest Gump a few Tae Bo’s to the back of the head or something, and tell him to speed it up a little.

Well anyway, a special thanks to all those that have volunteered their services and to those that gave up their lives to make this world a better place.  You are gone but not forgotten.  See you dimwits the next time.

Chris Hinton’s Pathway To Success

Ahhhhh, I’m so pumped right now!  I just got a call an hour ago for work.  This is incredibly exciting news.  I can’t even begin to tell you why, but I’m going to try anyhow.

I don’t know many of the details about the project just yet.  I just know it’s a TV pilot of some sort and I have to read the script and begin preparing for work tonight.  I’ll be working on the project the next three days and possibly the next few weeks and beyond.  That’s how it goes in the film industry.  One minute you’re busy writing and creating a blog, avoiding friends and social obligations to focus all your energies into doing something that you really love, and the next minute you get a call at 6:30 PM on a Friday evening.

“What are you doing this weekend?  How about the next few months?  You busy, or you wanna start scouting tomorrow on a TV pilot?”

Hell yeah, I wanna start scouting tomorrow on a TV pilot!  If you dimwits only knew how challenging the past few months have been for me.  I’ve been out of work for a long time.  Without boring you with all the details, the state of Pennsylvania had a major snafu with our film tax incentive this year, which meant that me and a lot of my friends were without work.  No work means funds dwindle quickly, bills go unpaid, and you eat lots of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  And worse yet, it leaves you with no money to drink booze.  Being broke sucks a fat one.

Boo hoo, you putz.  Get another job.  But it’s not that easy, and I didn’t want to get another job making $7 an hour.  It’s a waste of time.  I realize some people have to do it to support their families, which kudos to them, but I don’t have a family to support, so I’d rather have my bills go unpaid than work at a crummy job taking home $200 a week.  Instead of working at a job for slave wages, I used the opportunity to do some writing and maybe begin establishing my future.

The film industry is a great gig, but it’s too unpredictable.  One year you make great money, and the next year you make jack crap.  I’m terrible at budgeting money, so this year I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, holed myself up in my apartment, and wrote my ass off the past few months trying to establish a future for the next time I’m out of work.

I don’t know where any of it’s headed.  Maybe there isn’t a future in writing for me, but I have to find out.  So that’s why I started this blog.  To practice writing, to put my creative talents to work, and to build up a network of fellow writers, artists, and creative spirits.

It seems to be going well so far.  I’ve gotten nearly 2,000 followers in two months, and the  feedback has been very kind.  It gives me encouragement to keep writing, so I just wanted to say thanks.  The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches taste extra good after hearing things like, “This is my new favorite blog.”  “You’re really hilarious!”  “OMG, I want to totally marry you and have six of your curly headed babies.”

Well, all right.  This has been a very good day.  It’s maybe premature, but I’m going to use my credit card to go buy some whiskey tonight, and read through a script until 3 in the morning, make some notes, wake up 3 hours later, and go to work.  I might not be available to reply to comments as much in the next few weeks, but I’ll try my best, because your comments are what kept me going these past few months.  It might sound like BS, but it’s true.  So keep commenting if you’d like, but don’t take offense if I don’t respond for a while.  It just means I’m busy with work, or drunk on whiskey, dancing around my apartment naked at 2 AM, which happens more than I’d like to admit.

Anyway, since you guys have been so cool to me, I wanted to leave you with my keys for a pathway to success.  I realize someone who just spent the past few months eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches probably isn’t the best spokesperson for success, but I can feel it just around the bend.  I think I’m a few years away from accomplishing some big things, so I’m going to let you in on my secrets so you can achieve success as well.

It’s time to go buy some whiskey and read a script.  I’ll leave you with Chris Hinton’s Pathway To Success.  Print it out, hang it on your fridge.  Look at it everyday.  Cheers, you dimwits.  Thanks for being awesome.  

Ten Famous Autocorrected Quotes – Volume Two

Suppose a young man with a wild imagination and too much time on his hands went to a greasy spoon diner one evening at 3 AM.   Suppose the same young man grew tired of all the belligerent drunks and lot lizards that usually frequent a greasy spoon diner late at night, so he began to surf the interwebs on his smart phone to occupy his time until his gyro omelette and rye toast were ready to be served.

Suppose that while killing time surfing the interwebs, the young man came across some famous quotes and later stumbled upon the humorous website, Damn You Autocorrect.  Now suppose the imaginative young man with too much time on his hands got to thinking:

“What if all the famous authors, poets, artists, philosophers, and great leaders of history had to use a smart phone to type their inspiring quotes?  Would their quotes sound any less smart?  Would they be any less inspiring?  What would the quotes read like if these great historical figures had to put down their pen and paper, and use the same means of communication that we use today – texting, tweeting, emailing, and other forms of social media?  What if the famous quotes were subject to autocorrect?”

Suppose the young man’s thoughts were to materialize.  I suppose you would get something like this.  Ten famous quotes given the autocorrect treatment, volume two.