Guest Blogger – The Baha Men

So by now, you regular dimwits know that I work in the film industry.  I’ve downplayed it in previous posts, but it’s actually a pretty cool gig.   I’ve been at it for about 12 years now, and I’ve had the fortune of working on two films with Anne Hathaway, or Annie Spagannie as I like to call her, and well, of course we became instant best friends.

We chat back and forth from time to time, send drunk texts to each other at 3 AM, those  sorts of things that best friends do.  Well, Annie Spagannie has been following along on my blog when she’s not too busy making films.  She had a chance to read the last guest blogger post where John Stamos wrote a brave and chilling letter to the Baha Men (which I would suggest you read first if you haven’t already), and being the huge Baha Men super fan that she is, she was able to help get me in touch with the nice fellas.

So I’d like to thank the Baha Men for being kind enough to be this week’s guest blogger and offering up their response letter to John Stamos.  It’s an insightful read as one would expect, and I think you’ll get a lot out of it.  I know I did.  Thanks the Baha Men.

Yo Stamos!  Woof, Woof, Woof!

Yo we got your letter dawg (no pun intended.)   Hey listen man, that was an incredibly cool thing of you to do.   It takes a lot of guts to tell someone you killed two of their dawgs, even if it did come 12 years late.  I just gotta believe they up there somewhere in a better place, right?  Isn’t that how this whole thing works?  Pepper Spray and Mace, snatchin’ tennis balls outta the air, havin’ a damn good time rolling around up there in them puffy clouds.  Probably nailin’ them female dawgs too, if I know those two hound dawgs!  WOOF!

Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but we was back in the studio making some more of those fresh and funky junkanoo beats.  Our schedules have been mad crazy right now.    But it will all be worth it in just a little while.  We hopin’ anyways.   The Baha Men can’t wait to blow the lid off the new stuff.  They thought the dawgs was wild – wait till they get a hold of these beats.  It’s gonna’ blow some minds!  And probaby a few stereos too, cause I’m tellin’ you, this shit is dope.

Back to the killing our dawgs thing – man, no hard feelings.  We actually knew it was you all along.  Sally ratted you out.  Sombody at the party overheard somebody who said you was hammered and goin’ on about a master plan for juicy steaks, and plottin’ revenge on us for not being able to play your birthday party, or somethin like that.  Then that somebody told Sally who told our drummer Jimbo Slice.  You know how it goes.  Poeple like to yap their traps when it ain’t nobody’s business really.

And well, we was disappointed to hear you done it, no doubt.  We always seen you on Full House, and even though you was a badass biker, you seemed to have a good heart.  I know it’s just TV, and it was all acting and stuff, but still, you can tell alot about people form their smile, the way their eyes look or don’t look, and just the way they carry themselves.  You can’t act that Stamos.  We knew you was a good guy.

It’s just you was in a bad place, that’s all.  Ain’t we all sometimes.  Life can knock you silly but unlike you, it don’t have the decency to say sorry.  It don’t care none if you’re Bob, or Jim, or if you’re the famous actor John Stamos.  Everyone gets the rug taken out from underneath them at some point, and I guess it was just me, you, and Sally Jessy Raphael’s turn at the time.  Just gotta get back up, put the rug back into place.   Like Eminem says, you only get one shot.  Might as well make it a good one.

We gotta tell you this one last thing before we get back to the studio.  You was actually the inspiration behind the idea for “Who Let The Dogs Out?”  We didn’t wanna’ tell no one it was John Stamos,  cause we collectively felt it was more mysterious just letting it alone.  The mystery paid off.  We still collectin’ those checks off that song 12 years later, so let’s leave it at this Stamos.  Let’s get together sometime, crack some bubbly and we won’t never mention none of this ever again.  Clean slate.  Whad’ya say?

Hope you’re good John, and sorry to hear when things got ugly with you and Rebecca, and the whole split and all of that stuff.  Just another one of those things, another one of those twists and turns in life.  Grab the wheel, hold on, don’t never take your foot off the gas.  Keep on driving Stamos.  Take that shot.

Your dawgs forever,

The Baha Men

PS.  Thanks for the PF Changs gift certificate!  I got the Shaking Beef and Jimbo got the Crispy Honey Shrimp.  It was mad dope!  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!!!

Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Yourself In a Pop Up Tent With A Ferocious Wolf

Well, I don’t know about you dimwits, but I like wolves.  Always have.  In elementary school, the teachers were always going around asking questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” I’d shrug my shoulders.  I don’t know, “Blue.”  “Whad’ya wanna to be when you grow up?”  Once again a shrug.  Never gave it much thought, being that I was 8 1/2 years old and all.   So I’d say, “A school teacher so one day I can ask awesome questions just like you.”   And then the teachers would finally get around to asking the real gritty, meaty questions.  “What’s your favorite animal?”  Without hesitation, I would confidently respond, “Wolf.”

So as you can see, ever since I was a little kid I always liked wolves.

Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  I know what you’re probably saying to yourself, “Man, that’s impossobile.  I can never learn to Photoshop myself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.”  Wrong.  You just gotta believe, and with the aid of this tutorial, you’ll be off and howling in no time.  To the moon we go.

Step 1:  Put On Some Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet”

Whenever I’m Photoshopping myself in pop up tents with ferocious wolves, it’s all about setting the right mood.  The sound of rainforest and pan flutes are always a nice background music to work with,  but it’s not quite wolfy enough for this lesson.  We need something that howls.  Something that screams and gets the blood pumping a little.  I’m talking Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” circa 1986, ladies and gentlemen.  Let’s get wild in the streets, shall we?  We definitely shall.

Step 2:  Lasso The Head Of A Smoking Hot Blond

Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this tutorial.  As you can see, it’s me in the women’s changing room pop up tent with a smoking hot blond. While I have nothing against poking my head out of a pop up tent with a smoking hot blond, for this demonstration, we will be replacing her smiling face with a ferocious wolf.

If you’ve had a chance to read the sparkly vampire Twilight poster tutorial, then you’re aware that not only do I have a fondness for wolves, but I also have a deep appreciation for magnets.  So crank up some Jovi, whip your hair around like your all time favorite glam rocker, loosen up those neck muscles a bit, give a couple monster leg kicks, another hair whip or two, take a swig of water to stay hydrated, and go to the upper, left hand corner to select the Magnetic Lasso Tool, in that specific order.

Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove.  Carefully make your selection of the smoking hot blond, then hit the delete button.  Boom shakalacka.  The smoking hot blond is no more and you should end up with a layer that looks like so.

Hey, what the shit Jon Bon Jovi?  Well, sorry about that Photoshoppers.  Seems there’s a little cockblocking going on here, and somebody is having a little difficulty letting go of their glorious, glamorous, hair thrashing past.  Sorry Jon Bon Jovi, but you and your 7 foot tall, hair sprayed, lion’s mane need to go.  We have some more wolfing to do.

Step 3:  Let’s Go Hunting For A Ferocious Wolf

So first things first.  We need a ferocious wolf.  I know just the place to go find one.  Do a Google search for “Ferocious Wolf” and select an image you like.  The more ferocious the better.  I would suggest choosing the wolf showing the most teeth to get the most of that ferocious look.  Here is the photo of the ferocious wolf that I have selected to use.

Step 4:  Lassoing The Head Of A Ferocious Wolf

Similar to how I lassoed the head of the smoking hot blond, I will be lassoing the head of the ferocious wolf.  Crank that mutha’ up about 10 decibles, give another whip of the hair, show that GD wolf who’s boss, and select the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner once again.

Carefully trace around the ferocious wolf head, and make a new isolated layer.  And no, Jon Bon Jovi, you’re not invited to the wolf head party.  You and your tight, leather pants and unbuttoned shirt need to stuff it somewhere in New Jersey.   Preferably in the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey, which shouldn’t be too hard to find since the entire state is a sewer.  No offense to anyone that lives in New Jersey.

Your ferocious wolf head isolated layer should look like something like this.

Step 4:  Blend The Ferocious Wolf Head In A Pop Up Tent

I’ll keep this brief.  Slippery When Wet clocks in at a mere 42:22, so we don’t have a whole lot of time for goofing.  Not when we’ve got some wolfing to do, so let’s finish this sonofabitch up.  So now that we got rid of the smoking hot blond, and have an isolated layer of the ferocious wolf head, it’s time to blend the two images.

And man, honest to God, these next 100 steps are so incredibly, freaking boring, and it’s probably the whole reason that I never went to my graphic design classes in college in the first place.  I”m just.  Do you ever regret things in your past?  Like, sit around and ever wonder how things would be any different today if you had made just a few different choices when you were younger?  If you would be living in a different state?  A different country, even?  Have a different career?  Maybe be with someone different, somebody at all?  If those few different choices would’ve made you wealthier, more successful? Happier?

Christ, Bon Jovi is giving me a pounding headache, so I’m gonna skip about the next 12 steps if that’s cool with you dimwits.   I knew I should’ve gone with White Snake, but it’s too late for that now.  We’re committed, so let’s wrap this up and send Jovi home packing.

So basically, I did some more lassoing, and traced the pop up tent so I could make a new layer, I added in a few slash marks to the pop up tent cause I thought it looked pretty cool and more ferocious, I added a layer mask and…

You know what.  I can’t even do it.  I can’t even pretend anymore.  Photoshop sucks the will to live right outta me.  Leaves me shriveled, dying, and makes me feel a little less of a human being every time I click on that smug looking PS logo.  Every time I see that bouncy ball opening up the program as if he’s excited, and knows that with each and every bounce, a little more of me dies inside.   I’m smashing this stereo.  Bon Jovi is really grinding my nerves.  Here’s your photo of the cockblocking, cock knocker Jon Bon Jovi, you dimwits.

Welp, there you go.  Congratulations on making yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  Hope it was as wonderful of an experience as it was for me.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop Jon Bon Jovi’s Olivia Newtwon-John  looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey.  Time for me to go howl at the moon with about a gallon of Jim Beam and a case of Milwalkees Best.

Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Sparkly Vampire Twilight Poster

Photoshop is a very useful tool.  It can be used for all sorts of things, like designing websites, retouching photos, or turning a homoeratic photo of you and your brother into a dazzling, sparkling Twilight poster that all of your friends will surely marvel over, such as this delightful gem.

For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to make your very own sparkly vampire Twilight poster.  Don’t worry if you’re a Photoshop novice and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, or if you don’t use Photoshop at all.  There are plenty of bad jokes I’ll be telling throughout the tutorial, so feel free to read along no matter what your Photoshop skill level may be.  Let’s get this Photoshop party started, shall we?

Step 1:  Pour A Shot Of Whiskey

Let’s face it, Photoshop can be really boring.  Retouching photos is a tedious process, that’s why I like to pour myself a shot of whiskey before I begin no matter if it’s morning, noon or night.  It really helps to get the creative juices flowing.  I also like to design crudely drawn stick figure logos that I send to advertising agencies looking to hire a skilled graphic designer, but that’s another lesson for another time.

My drink of choice is Makers Mark, but any old kind of whiskey will do for achieving great success.  Bottoms up.  You are now ready to roll up the sleeves and begin today’s lesson.

Step 2:  Choose A Photo To Begin With

Choosing the right photo to begin with is paramount if you’re to end up with a stellar finished piece.  For this demonstration, I chose a photo of my brother and I when we paused for a impromptu maternity photo shoot in the middle of the woods for some inexplainable reason.

If you don’t have a maternity photo of your own to work with, no worries.  Choose a photo where you are looking off in the distance all dreamy like and whatnot, just like your all time favoritest actors Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner.  Below is the original, untouched photo that I will be using for this tutorial.

Step 3:  Removing The Background; Magnets Are Pretty Cool

The background of the original photo isn’t awful, but it doesn’t exactly scream werewolves and vampires.  It needs to be replaced with something more enchanting to really create that mysterious, fantasy world effect.  But first, I’m going to remove the original background.

There are multiple tools available in Photoshop for making selections.  No doubt I will be recommending that you use the most unfavorable tool by professional designers, being that I was usually out playing ultimate frisbee rather then attending my graphic design classes in college.  I’ll drink to $60,000 dollars down the tubes and to racking up a massive debt.  Three cheers for frisbee!  Damn you frisbee.  You ruined my life.

Now that you are slightly buzzed, go to the upper left hand corner and select the Lasso Tool.  I usually prefer the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the drop down menu primarily because I think magnets are pretty cool.  I enjoy collecting them and hanging them on my fridge just like my late Nana used to do.  I’ve collected magnets from 32 states and 8 different countries, and also a magnet of Fabio that was given to me as a gag gift.

Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove.  Carefully make your selection, then hit the delete button.  Presto!  The original background is removed from the photo and you should end up with an isolated layer that looks like so.

Step 4:  Replace The Original Background With An Image Stolen From The Internet

Now it’s time to replace the original background.  I did a Google search for “Fantasy Forest Backgrounds” and found a lot of great photos to steal.  I downloaded about 10 photos to play around with before settling on this one.  You may have to try a photo that’s lighter, darker, or a different color depending on the lighting of your original photo.  Experiment with different images and choose a background photo that you like best.  You are doing great!  You will be a sparkly vampire in no time.

Step 5:  Human Skin Is The Worst

In the original photo, you notice that our skin looks way too human.  It’s red and orange, and it sure doesn’t look like the kind of skin that can make you run faster than a mountain lion or stop a moving car with your bare hands.  Let’s take another drink and fix that.

Similar to how I made a selection to remove the background, I will now make a selection of the unsightly human skin to add to a new layer.  It might look a little strange for now, but that’s probably because you’ve been drinking way too much, you silly goose!  Quit farting around and put the whiskey down.  Your selection should look something like this.

Oh, hey there.  Didn’t mean to include a photo of Fabio that I lifted from the Official Fabio International Fan Club wearing his leather jacket, with thumb tucked into his mom jeans looking ever so el casuél.

I think maybe I’ve had one too many drinks myself.  Here is the isolated skin selection that I meant to include.  We look like we were dipped in acid.

Step 6:  Make Yourself Sparkle 

I sure miss grandma.  She made the best banana loaf bread.  I wish that she had been born a vampire and didn’t age since 1918 just like Edward, but alas, grandma was born a mortal like Bella Swan and died of chronic liver disease.  I hope this tutorial has been fun and enlightening so far.  Now let’s wrap it up, shall we dimwits?

You are probably feeling pretty good by now, so I won’t go into too many boring details unless you wanna pay me lots of cash monies so that I can eat tonight.  No?  Okay, moving on.

To make the skin pasty white – you know, because vampires hate light, except for the fact that the vampires in Twilight walked around in the daylight all the time, but we won’t get into that here, now will we –  I adjusted the levels using the Selective Color, Gradient Map, and Exposure tools found in the Layers drop down menu.  I also added an outer glow to the layer of me awkwardly straddling my brother using Layer Styles.  It’s looking pretty fly for two pasty white guys.  The sparkly vampire Twilight poster is nearly complete.

Step 7:  Get Punched In The Face

The poster is lacking something to give it that final punch.  It needs more Fabio.  Because what is a sparkly vampire Twilight poster without some long hair flowing, chisel-chested Fabio staring dreamily at us with those engaging eyes.  Punch us in the face, Fabio, but please go gentle with our hearts.

I’d like to raise one last toast.  To the fabulous Fabio, ladies and gentlemen, to my fellow dimwits.  Prepare to keep those glasses raised, because you will be the toast of the town when you reveal your finished poster to your friends and colleagues.

Congratulations on becoming the newest Hollywood star of the greatest movie series ever made, and cheers to you for a job well done.  That concludes the Photoshop tutorial for today.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop yourself into a Manotaur with a Mike Tyson face tattoo.