Meet Ralph

001 Meet Ralph

Well, you dimwits.  The time has come.  It’s time you meet a long lost friend of mine, a friend that began it all for me.  A friend that first got me into writing over eight years ago.  It’s time that you meet Ralph.

Ralph is an alter ego character that I created during the MySpace days.  I began Photoshopping my head onto various bodies and gave myself snaggly teeth, crossed eyes, big ears, and crazy costumes.  I posted the Photoshop images to MySpace, and a star was born.  Ralph became a cult sensation.  I had people all across the world following along with Ralph’s misadventures, until one day, I took the site down completely.  Ralph disappeared over night.  It was a sad farewell.

I tried to resurrect Ralph several times over the years unsuccessfully, including on this blog back when very few people were reading.  I figured I’d give it another shot and see where it goes.  Maybe it will end up at the bottom of the lake.

In a nutshell, Ralph is a fiesty, fiery, 15 year old trapped in a 28 year old’s body.   He loves beef jerky, dungeons and dragons, WWF wrestling, ZZ Top, and game shows, including his favorite game show of all time “Love Connection” hosted by Chuck Woolery.  Ralph lives in the basement of his Gram and Pap’s country home in western Pennsylvania.  He fights mightily with his combative Pap, Uncle Rodger, and cousins.  For a further introduction and more photos, click the link here.

I have a bunch of old Ralph material that I might dust off and polish.  We’ll see.  But for now, I’ll leave you with a few poems that Ralph wrote since I was talking about poetry in the previous post.  Hope you enjoy.

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001 Uncle Rogers Hunting Cabin

“Uncle Rodger’s Hunting Cabin”

The one thing about
Uncle Rodger’s hunting cabin
Is that it’s always cozy
He keeps the temperature
Always nice, never too toasty

After a long day of hunting
Might be deer
Might be some caribou
He always treats us kindly
He up and says, “Here, yinz want some brews?”

We kick back a couple cold ones
Have some delicious beef jerky treats
On the fold out couch bed
That’s where Uncle Rodger lets me sleep

Now this one time
I screamed, “Hey Rodger, I seen a rat!”
Uncle Rodger says, “Now Ralph.
We can’t have none of that.”

Sure enough
He whips out a humongous 12 gauge
I couldn’t believe my eyes
As Uncle Rodger lit up the whole damn place

I says, “Holy crap Uncle Rodger!
You’re making holes in the walls!”
He just up and laughs
And then he says, “Ralph, ain’t we havin a ball.”

    *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

001 Home Sweet Motorhome

“Home Sweet Motorhome”

I bet yinz will be jealous
To hear I went cross country in Uncle Rodger’s motorhome
I don’t blame yinz one bit
Missin out on them spacious skies and mountain domes

Gram was majorly upset
She couldn’t come along cause of a mild stroke
I had to rub it in on that one
I says to her “Na na na na na” just to get her yoke

Uncle Rodger gave the camper a tune up before we left
We was ready to rock ‘n roll
I called out, “Shotgun!”
But Rodger says,  “Sit in the back with your cousin Joel.”

Joel’s feet smelled like onions
So I asked to switch with Pap at every single stop
Pap says, “Nice try Ralph.”
So I was stuck in the back with my cousin’s smelly socks

Other than that
The trip was goin’ just as smooth as could be
That was until Uncle Rodger swerved
Tryin to avoid a pack of them wild coyotes

We ran clear off the road
We was headed straight for a big ole’ ditch
I screamed for Uncle Rodger to gun it
He says, “Shut up in the back you son of a monkey’s tit!”

The camper was bent all to hell
Joel was cryin’ and Uncle Rodger was mad as a toad
I said, “See Uncle Rodger.
Shoulda’ let me ride shotgun to navigate the road.”

  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

002 Meet Ralph

Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Your Crazy Drunk Aunt into a Katy Perry Firework Poster

Welp, Photoshoppers.  It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these godforsaken things.  I’m a little rusty.  Nothing that a fifth of Jack and a case of Bud can’t cure.  I already have a pounding headache.  Let’s just get it over with.  Happy fourth of freaking July.

001 4th of July

Fourth of July is coming up in the lovely U S of A.  I’ll be getting together with family.  Joy of all joys.  I can’t wait for all my nieces and nephews to punch me in the balls and tell me a million times to look at this.  Awesome.  Congratulations, you did a handstand.  Tell me to look at this when you find the cure for cancer.  Why don’t you go look in the cooler and grab your uncle a cold beer.  I swear, it’s like this all day with those kids.  It’s like listening to a broken record.

For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to turn your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Let’s go ahead and begin today’s lesson, shall we?  I guess we shall.

Step 1:  Buy A Boatload of Fireworks

I don’t have money for whiskey and beer.  I’m broke, and I don’t feel like hanging out with my father in the prison showers, so I can’t go looting the liquor store for whiskey.  I gotta do this one sober unfortunately.  It’s time for some Photoshop inspiration Katy Perry “Firework” style.

The big fireworks are illegal to purchase in the state of Pennsylvania, so I have a friend that sells them out of his trunk.  I asked him to do me a solid and he gave me a Roman candle, a 100 shot Saturn missile, a 200 shot mortar tube, and a stick of dynamite for free.   I set them all off in my neighbor’s yard late last night since their dogs wake me up every single morning at 5:35 AM.  Fireworks exploded everywhere and It rained ash all over their house.  It was very inspiring.  Let’s continue with this firework fiasco.

Step 2:  Lasso Your Crazy Drunk Aunt

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Above is the original, untouched photo of my crazy drunk aunt at the family picnic over Labor Day.  Aunt Ruthie likes to get drunk and bawl her eyes out over absolutely nothing, and then she’ll squeeze my cheeks as hard as possible.  I’m 35 years old.  The cheek squeezing shoulda ended 30 years ago.  Aunt Ruthie will make a perfect volunteer for our Katy Perry firework demonstration.  If you don’t have a crazy drunk aunt, then just use a photo of your crazy meth addict cousin.

I’m not gonna spend too much time teaching you about lassoing.  I already covered that in previous lessons, so if you don’t have it down by now, then you’re hopeless and you should just get a job at the gas station selling cigarettes.

Below is the isolated lassoed layer of my crazy drunk aunt that I’ll be working with.  Her hair is too damn big and messy.  I woulda had to lasso all day, so it’s good enough.

003 4th of July

Step 3:  Insert Big Ass Fireworks Into The Background

Now that I have the isolated layer of my crazy drunk aunt, I’m going to insert a photo of some big ass fireworks.  Do a Google search, and steal whatever photo you like best.  The more explosions and raining ash the better.  Make the fireworks really go boom to get that full Katy Perry effect.

Firework Go Boom

Step 4:  Select A Really Cool Font 

I’m at my wit’s end.  Honest to God, these things are like torture.  I gotta wrap this sonofabitch up before I lose my mind and have to marry a frog.  There’s at least a dozen steps that I’m skipping.  At least a dozen, but just go to the Character tool box, and start messing around with fonts.  Pick a really swirly font.  That’s what Katy Perry would want in the way of fonts.  The swirlier the better.

After you select the swirly font, then go to the Styles tool box.  Start messing around with that crap, too.  Think fireworks.  Think big and rocketing and fireworks exploding in the air raining down ash on your barking dog neighbor’s house.

Select a style with a bright color and a wicked beveled edge.  People go nuts for beveled edged fonts.  Your friends will bow down in mighty awe at your creation.  They’ll surely buy you a sauerkraut hotdog and a Coca Cola to wash it down with at the fireworks display.  Fourth of July is the worst.

Here’s the finished poster of my crazy drunk aunt.  I picked out a swirly font with a star crossing the “i” and turned her hair bright purple cause I thought it looked more Katy Perry like.  I also added in the word “firework” to really sell home the point.  I replaced the plastic fork with a stick of dynamite.  Here’s your damn poster.   I gotta get out of here.004 Crazy Drunk Aunt Katy Perry Firework Poster

Congratulations on making your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop my nieces and nephews doing handstands in the sound proofed locked basement while I enjoy a beer in peace.   Happy 4th of July, you dimwits.  Boom.

Rejected Match.com Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> Will You Be My Matey?

Look who’s back!  Hello there, ladies.  It’s been a busy few months, but I’m back on the market, looking for love in all the wrong places.  Match.com just rejected my dating profile once again.

 SUBMISSION REJECTED.

Whatever.  It’s their loss and the dimwit’s gain.   My first dating profile didn’t land me the big fish.  I guess the ladies don’t like horses.  If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

I figured I’d give it another shot here on The Dimwit Diary.    It’s time to make a love connection.  Open up the floodgates, man the phones.  Away we go.

002 Rejected Match Dot Com Profile

Hello.  My name is Chris.  I enjoy laughing,  engaging conversations, taking long nature walks, dining out, and reading about child sex predators.  I also enjoy wearing turtlenecks to the movie theater.  I’ve only been arrested once.

If I’m not reading about sociopaths or serial killers in the evenings, you can usually find me in the women’s section of K-Mart buying short shorts for roller skating parties.  During the day, I’m either dancing naked with frogs or getting unicorn manicures.  I’ve barely worked in the past 12 months, so my schedule is usually flexible.  If you’d like to join me for a day or evening outing, send me a message, but be prepared to do a lot of walking, and I’d prefer you not to talk.  It gives me a headache.

I had a rat tail for an entire year.  I just got a haircut at Supercuts and the lady messed it all up because she was telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend.  I have a thing for fanny packs and if I had a son, I’d like to name him Gaylord.

I have super sperm.  I come from a very fertile family.  I have 19 nieces and nephews and I’m one of 11 kids.  We all have nicknames.  We nicknamed my one sister “The Gootch.”

I’m a godfather and I’m part Italian.  Sometimes I have a temper, and I even almost murdered my father once, but I got too drunk on whiskey and wine that night, so I couldn’t drive to his house to finish the deed.  Thankfully, the police got things settled, and we have a good laugh about it when I write my father letters in prison.

I like to give hot oil massages and oink like a pig to keep things “fun” and “playful.”  Sometimes I eat canned peaches for lunch.  I also enjoy camping and ultimate frisbee.

I like to pretend that I’m a pirate and go to Pirate’s baseball games.  I put the plastic sword in my teeth and bite down and carry on like a pirate.  I started drinking whiskey when I was thirteen.  My favorite color is hunter green.

I enjoy photography, eating soft pretzels, and playing the piano.   I can make the water dripping noise just like Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.   My favorite TV show is “How To Catch A Predator” or “Maury Popvich.”  I enjoy the arts and making squirrel noises at squirrels.

One year, I took a 75 year old, chain smoking, severe alcoholic, Greek lady to the ballet.  I didn’t care much for the ballet.  I like balloons.  I like to write my name in cursive writing when I pee in the snow.  I make my own Christmas cards.  My one brother studies Neuroscience.  I like to snowshoe and I can juggle eggs, but sometimes I drop them.

I would love to meet up and we can maybe go to the Moose Lodge to watch my favorite wrestler Latin Assassin smash the Drunken Luchador’s face off the turnbuckle down at the local wrestling, or we could go to the Elks Lodge to listen to banjo night with all the old ladies and the old men.  Your pick.  Just say the word.

Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions.  I forgot to tell you, I’m right handed.  I look forward to hearing your reply.  ARGHHHHH!  Will you be my matey?

Facebook Odds & Ends – Volume One

Check it you dimwits.  So before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post my madness.  The other place was this social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.

I still have a Facebook, but I’m not on it much anymore.  I had to retire, and by retire, I mean that I pretty much had to give myself the boot because I would get drunk and start posting all of these rants regarding politics, gay rights, gun control, and environmental concerns.  And well, drunks and Facebook are not a very good combination.

It was getting ugly, so I had to take all of my deep, philosophical rants over to the comments section of YouTube.  YouTube is the perfect place to engage in 500 character or less heated debates.  Somewhere buried in the comments section of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video are some of the Dimwit’s most brilliant and ingenious thoughts ever recorded.  I should probably dig ’em up and take home the Nobel Peace Prize, but no time for that.  Instead, I wanted to dig up a few Facebook odds & ends that I’ve posted over the years and share them with my fellow dimwits.

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1.  Jury Duty Summons

I just opened a stack of mail from last month and discovered a summons to appear in court tomorrow morning for jury duty selection.  I want to make a good first impression with the court folks, but I’m not sure which outfit to wear.  Help guys!  I’m so bad with this stuff.  Which outfit would you recommend that I wear tomorrow for jury duty selection?

001 Jury Duty Summons

2.  Happy Groundhog’s Day

The Notebook

Happy Groundhog’s Day!  Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow and you know what that means?  It will soon be Spring.  And you know what that means?  The rainy season will soon be upon us.  And you know what that means?  It’s time to get fully clothed, go down to the boat pond, and lay the hottest, most passionate rainy-wet-clothed kiss on your lover that anyone’s ever seen.

C’mon, who’s ever done that?  Making out in the rain.  I did it once, but it was only by accident because I thought it was just a heat lightening storm passing by, but no, it turned out to be an actual rain storm.  Anyways, way to go Phil.  Bring on the early Spring.

3.  Supah Ninjas Audition

*  This was a post I left on my friend’s wall.  She’s a casting director in Pittsburgh.  She sent out an audition notice looking for actors for a Nickelodeon action-comedy superheroes TV series that she was working on called “Supah Ninjas.”

Supah Ninjas

Hello Katie,

Above you’ll find my Supah Ninjas headshot for consideration.  I have 4 years Parkour experience, 1 year of Zumba training,  8 years of competing in medieval jousting with my friends at Schenley Park, and I’ve watched all three Matrix movies as well as all of the Star War movies.  I believe that I am more than qualified for the part and can’t wait to show off my stuff at the audition.  Don’t blink.  If you do, you are going to miss the audition of a lifetime.  Karate chop!!!

Sincerely,
Chris Hinton

4.  Birthday Card To My Mom

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Happy birthday to the World’s 2nd greatest Mom!!!  Sorry, you would’ve been 1st, but the tanning bed lady beat you out by just a smidge.  Thank you for all that you do for the family and for so many.  Love you!

5.  Driver’s License Renewal Photo

So I go to get my driver’s license renewed, right?  I take my number and wait with the rest of the photo ID posse.  Surprisingly, the line’s moving quickly.  That is until the guy in front of me takes his turn.  He sits in the chair.  Click.  He reviews the photo on the computer monitor and decides that he wants to get a redo.  No big deal.  We’ve all taken a bad photo before and I can certainly appreciate the fact that he wants to have a stellar looking driver’s license photo ID.   My previous one was out of this world and it often garnered me a lot of praise when I got pulled over by the police.

So the guy straightens up and smiles for another photo.  Click.  Again, he decides it’s not his best work, and he would like another redo.  This happens two more times.  I’m staring at the guy, and he’s not even that good looking.  But even if he was, when was the last time you’ve heard of someone launching their Ford modeling career with a Pennsylvania driver’s license?  Never.  You’ve never heard of that.  That is until now.

I tell Brad Pitt to step aside, I’m about to show him how it’s done.  I channel my inner model self and totally blow this driver’s license photo shoot out of the water.  I mean, even the dude taking the photo looks at me and gives me a nod.  He doesn’t even bother asking me if I want to accept the photo.  It’s completely understood.   Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes…

001 Driver's License Renewel Photo

 

Chris Hinton’s Life Book – Chapter Two

It’s Memorial Day.  I should be out eating a juicy hamburger off the grill or relaxing by a river somewhere, which I still might end up doing depending on where the day leads me, but I had to get chapter 2 of my life book written up for my future adopted son.  Share a few things that were on the Dimwit’s mind while things are nice and quiet.

For those that haven’t read chapter one yet, my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child.  The adoption agency asked her to put together a life book, which is essentially an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).

Since my former room mate is a single, she asked me if I would spend some time with the little tike to fill in the role as a male figure whenever I’m available.  Of course I agreed to this arrangement.  Even though it wasn’t required, I went ahead and started putting together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well.  This one’s for you, Junior, from your soon-to-be new daddy!

Chris Hintons life bookLatin Assisin

Here’s your Pops hanging out at the Moose Lodge with his favorite local wrestler, the Latin Assassin!  Son of a gun just finished up a tough match fighting his arch nemesis, the Drunken Luchador, but he came out victorious in the end.  I met up with him after the match and he let me wear his champion belt and everything!

I can’t wait to take you to the Moose Lodge so you can meet him for yourself.   Hope you aren’t squeamish of a little blood and don’t mind watching guys bash each other’s heads with metal chairs.  It can get a little rough from time to time, but it makes for an entertaining evening.

Mani Pedi

Check it out, Junior!!  It’s some of your crazy aunts and your Gram hanging out with your Dad!  The family was going through a rough spell at the time, so I took the ladies out to get a manicure to get their minds off of things – treat them nice and spoil them rotten.

I’m gonna teach you how to treat a lady and how to rally around the family when times are tough.  Family and friends are the most important thing you’ve got in life.  I’m gonna take good care of you too, so don’t worry.  Maybe we’ll even take the gals out for a manicure again sometime and both get our nails painted just like daddy’s nails below!!!

Breast Cancer Mani Pedi

The pink breast cancer awareness ribbon turned out pretty nice, huh?

Best Friend

Get used to seeing this face, son!!!  Sorry it’s covered up by the big umbrella.  Daddy took a crappy photo, but I wanted to introduce you to my best friend, Greg.  Like I was saying, family and friends are the most important thing in life.  This guy helped Pops get through some tough times and vice versa.  We hang out a good bit, so you’ll probably run into him at some point down the road.

Qual Hunting

Greg or Mom will probably have to teach you the real manly man stuff.  I’m not much into things like guns and punching people in the face, but here’s me with this really rich guy I met.  He invited me to go on a quail hunting expedition!!

I met him on one of the movies I was working on.  We just sorta connected.  He’s into pointer dogs and quail hunting so he asked daddy if I’d like to tag along one afternoon.  I couldn’t pass up on that one!!!  Life is short son, so see as much of the world as you can, even if you might not like wearing funny orange hats and shooting quail with shotguns.

Piano Player 2

This is more your daddy’s speed.  Playing the piano blindfolded!  I quit taking piano lessons back when I was 11 or 12, when one of your uncles started calling me Liberace.  Brothers can be mean to one another sometimes.  What I didn’t know later in life was that the ladies go nuts over a piano player!!!  Keep that one in mind for the future.

I had a real good drunken night with one of the actresses on a film I was working on several years ago.  Played the piano with her up on the 17th floor of the hotel she was staying at, until the hotel staff came up to tell us to be quiet because some of the hotel guests were complaining that we were being too loud at 3 AM!!!  Phooey on them.

I shoulda stuck with it more, but I can still get around a piano pretty good.  I’ll teach you how to play sometime.  Playing an instrument is a lot of fun.  Everyone should at least try it.

Love

Here’s your daddy reading a book to a few of your cousins.  I like reading children’s books.  I’ll read some to you, but I’ll just warn you ahead of time.  I don’t like to stick to the words in a book and I make up my own stories.  They can get pretty wild –  stories of kids getting trapped in a well or something like that – but I try to give them a happy ending so the kids don’t stay up all night with nightmares.  I think you’ll like daddy’s stories.  Your cousins seem to enjoy them.

Pirates Game

Here’s your daddy at a Pirates game!!!  The Pirates stink.  They’re the most miserable team in all of baseball, but it’s still a nice ballpark to hang out at for a few hours.  Sometimes I’ll get all dressed up for the game wearing yellow outfits or I’ll dress up like a pirate.  I don’t really get into baseball all that much, but it’s fun to just sit around with thousands of other people, get a little tipsy, cheer for the home team, and take in the tastes, sights and sounds of the ballpark.  I’ll take you sometime but you can’t drink any beer with me until you’re of age.  Mom would kill me!!!

Homeless Person

I saved this one for last, Junior.  It’s another important one.  This nice black gentleman isn’t one of your cousins or your uncles.  He’s a homeless person.  Your daddy likes to walk around the streets at night sometimes and take photos of the city.  I end up running into homeless people a lot just because of the dark alleys and the dark places I visit when I’m roaming the streets.

I ran into this nice guy and a few other homeless people a few years back.  There was a barbecue festival going on not far from the bench where I met them.  You could smell the ribs and all the food wafting through the air, so I told the others to sit tight.  Took the black guy with me.  I took him to the barbecue festival and told him pick out whatever food him and his buddies wanted.  PILES OF FOOD.  Ribs, corn on the cob, steak, potatoes.  You name it!!!  We loaded them up into containers and we took the food back to the other homeless people sitting on the bench.

Shoulda seen their faces light up like a full moon on that night!!!  I like to do things like that.  Some people say things to your Dad like, “You’re a bad person.”  “You drink and carry on too much.”  “You’re going to hell.”  But I don’t listen to them for the most part.  They don’t know the places that I’ve been just the same as they don’t know the place that I’m going when I die.  Those people who like to point fingers are called hypocrites.  When you encounter a hypocrite, you listen to them politely and just smile and shake your head.  Don’t mouth off too much unless they continue to challenge you, then you can answer them however you see fit.  Most the times they shut up when they meet a person who has a lot of knowledge and can challenge them right back.

I’m gonna teach you how to be a good person, son.  I might even take you sometime when daddy goes and feeds the homeless.  I gotta wait until you’re older, cause it’s dangerous traveling dark alleys at night by yourself.  I gotta wait until you can run fast, because one night, your daddy might get himself into deep trouble with the homeless folks.  He might get hurt and need you to run off to get him some help.  Don’t tell Mom this one, either.  I don’t want her worrying about me and you, but I gotta teach you about all the parts of life.  The pretty and the gritty, so that one day you have a shot at turning out to be a nice young man.  We’ll ease into it.  You’re still a kid, so I want to give you a chance to stay that way for a while.  These are things we’ll revisit when the time is right.

All right, son.  I’ll send you more photos and stories down the road so you can get to know more about your Dad.  I have a bunch of them.  I’ve been to a lot of places, some good and some bad.  Right now I’m headed to a secret spot of mine by the river to sit and relax.  One day I’ll take you there, too.   It’s peaceful and nobody’s around to point fingers.