If you’ve read my “About This Shizz,” then you’re aware of the fact that I work in the film industry. It’s really not all that glamorous, so don’t get too overly excited fellow dimwits. My job mostly consists of ordering Porta Potties for set and picking up cigarette butts that darling crew members flick on the ground. But the job does have its perks.
I’ve built up some good connections over the years, and was able to pull a few strings in order to land my very first guest blogger to be featured on The Dimwit Diary.
Without further ado, I hand it over to John Stamos, famed actor of the 1990’s hit TV series “Full House,” and leave you with an honest and brave confessional letter that he was gracious enough to share with us all.
Thank you, Mr. Stamos. You’re a kind soul and you have amazing hair.
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July 25, 2012
Thursday, 9:45 PM
Dear The Baha Men,
It is with no great pleasure that I am sitting down to write you this letter on an unusually cloudy evening in Los Angeles. Perhaps the grey clouds are fitting. I am disheartened beyond belief.
Twelve years ago, you proposed a question: Who let the dogs out? You put it in form of a catchy song with an infectious groove and those funky junkanoo beats. The song went sailing to the top of the charts. It was a good time to be The Baha Men: platinum record, platinum jewelry and platinum hair.
Others may have been fooled into thinking that you were on top of the world, but you weren’t fooling me. I know how much you loved your dogs – those friendly, cuddly rottweilers, Pepper Spray and Mace.
They were like your children. When someone carelessly let them out one evening and they never returned, so was it the case with your heart. A large piece of it hopped over the chain link fence and never returned to its rightful owners.
I am regretful that I’ve waited this long to come forward, but after twelve years of unrelenting guilt, I couldn’t bear even one more second of it.
It was me that let the dogs out – John Stamos.
I know the question that you woofed in the chorus is not why did you let the dogs out, but for my own sanity’s sake, I feel as though I must offer an explanation. I snuck into your estate one late evening and lured your dogs out with a juicy steak because I was upset that you didn’t come to my 37th birthday party.
I was incredibly angry and deeply hurt. It may seem juvenile to you, but to me it would have meant the world if The Baha Men had attended my birthday party. And not just the world to me, It would have meant the world to a lot of other people as well.
I told everyone that you were going to be there. I even put it on the invitations: Special Musical Performance by The Baha Men. Sally Jessy Raphael told me that was the only reason she was coming to my birthday party. I believed her, because immediately after she found out that you weren’t going to be in attendance for the evening, she went storming out of my house, and that red glasses wearing biatch took everyone else at the party with her.
Pardon my language, The Baha Men. It’s just, I’ve harbored a lot of resentment for that woman over the years. That was one of the worst evenings of my life, and Sally was intent on making the next several years a living hell for me, turning my friends against me, Hollywood producers, spreading rumors and making up lies. I was virtuously blacklisted by everyone.
Sally had quite a lot of influence back in those days, which kills me because I never quite saw the appeal. She had big glasses and feathered hair. So what? So did my dad, but he never got his own crappy talk show, although there was a time where he was involved in some pretty serious negotiations. But that’s not the point of all of this. The point is this: I’m extremely sorry and I’m requesting your forgiveness.
I know I can never bring Pepper Spray and Mace back. I paid my cousin Dino a fifty spot to put them down. But what I can do is offer you this $35 gift certificate to P.F. Chang’s China Bistro. The gift certificate is only valid for one year. Sorry, but management refused to budge no matter how many times I reminded them that I played the rock-‘n-roll bad boy biker, Jesse Katsopolis, on Full House. I wish it was more, but much like your career, mine was also short lived and the cash flow is more like a cash trickle these days. It’s a tough economy for all of us.
Please accept my deepest apologies. I have two dogs of my own, and I know how much it would pain me if someone were to let them out and I was never to see them again. In fairness though, I probably wouldn’t have made a cheesy remake of that song, and an even worse video to boot. We all grieve in different ways, I suppose. I hope that your heart has had time to mend and that you were able to find some healing along the way.
I also hope that we can all manage a way to move on from this. Perhaps one day we will even be able to laugh about it, and maybe it will even provide inspiration for you to make another chart topping hit one day soon. I don’t know how the song would go. Maybe some more barking as people can’t seem to get enough of those incessant who, who, who’s. I’ll leave the song writing up to the experts, to you my dear friends. The Baha Men.
With kindest personal regards,
PS. If you still talk to Sally, tell her I said to bite me.