I’ve spent the past three days cleaning out my email inbox. I’ve gone through about 6,000 emails and have about 15,000 more to go. Trust me, it’s not as much fun as it sounds. In fact, it’s about as much fun as the doc snapping on his rubber gloves and telling you to bend over, but I figured it was long overdue for me to clean out my email when I found a signup notification for Friendster dating back to 2008. That’s right kids. Before there was MySpace or Facebook, there was this little known social networking site called Friendster that started it all.
It’s a mixed bag to see snippets of your life from the past 6 years in the form of an email. I’ve read through family emails, work emails, spam emails, forward emails, political emails, and emails from friends. Emails about new births, new houses, new jobs, new cars, new pets, and new haircuts. Emails about untimely deaths, tragic illnesses, family crisis, family joys, relationship woes, relationship highs, money struggles, struggles with depression, finding God, and losing God. Emails about vacations to Italy, Switzerland, California, Las Vegas, Memphis, Nashville, Arkansas, and Virginia. Emails about music festivals, music concerts, snow storms, beach trips, birthdays, get togethers, roller skating parties, fundraisers, walkathons, and quail hunting expeditions. And emails about Labor Day, Memorial Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, just to name a few.
Sifting through all the various emails, I’ve noticed a few constants. #1) I have amazing people in my life. #2) I’ve had some unbelievably amazing experiences to this point. #3) Old Navy really, really, REALLY wants me to buy their shitty clothes. And last but not least. #4) I can be an ornery cuss when I get behind the keyboard.
I’ve selected a few humorous emails to share. I’ve changed up the names a bit, because although I have amazing people in my life, they might not appreciate me sharing these private moments.
From my brother to me (AKA: Ralph):
When are you going to join Facebook? You should check it out because I think you would like it. It takes about 5 minutes to sign up. Only people that you accept as friends can see your page. And it is fun to see pics / updates of people we haven’t heard from in 10+ years. I bet some of your old high school buddies are on there as well. The only person from my class that I’ve seen on there is Shaniqua. But Javier also found me.
From me to my brother:
Oh, I see how it is. You wouldn’t join MySpace, but now you’re a Facebooker? I don’t think I’ll be joining anytime soon. Not a fan of the social networks…it invites too many creepy people from the past and present. Plus I heard lots of girls get raped because of Facebook.
Tell everyone I said hello.
From my brother to me:
Myspace sucks b/c you cannot control who sees your page. FB is good because you can deny friendship to lots of people. It’s funny because all of Alejandro’s friends try to be my friend, and I deny them.
FB is much easier to just check someone out, see where they are living and what they are up to, and leave it at that. Unless you have someone like Orville or Tattiana that update every few hours (actually Tattiana has slowed down this week) with things like – I’m going to hang out with my dog and get some drinks tonight.
From me to my brother:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Facebook Schmacebook. When I’m not working, I have far too much free time, and I’d rather not spend it on such a thing. I’d much rather spend it reading about goofy Pennsylvania state laws. For example, did you know it’s illegal to sleep on a refrigerator outdoors? And did you also know that it’s illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel, however, up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law? Talk about a double standard.
Tell everyone I said hello.
* My dad was notorious for sending tons of forward emails and falling for hoax emails. After letting it slide the first 10 times or so, I decided to finally bust his balls on this one. My brother, Mike, called him out on it too by sending him a link to Snopes to verify that the forward was a hoax. Below is the exchange.
From my Dad to the family:
Forward: Missing 15 Year Old Boy From PA
PLEASE BE AWARE & PRAY FOR THIS BOY’S SAFE RETURN
This boy’s mother works in HR at the UpperPerkiomen School District . Please look at the picture, read what his mother says, then forward this message on.
My 15 year old son, Evan Trembley, is missing.
He has been missing for now two weeks.
Maybe if everyone passes this on, someone will see this child.
That is how the girl from Stevens Point was found by circulation of her picture on tv. The internet circulates even overseas, South America , and Canada etc. Please pass this to everyone in your address book.
With GOD on his side he will be found.
I am asking you all, begging you to please forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE.
It is still not too late. Please help us. If anyone knows anything, please contact me at:
I am including a picture of him.
All prayers are appreciated!
It only takes 2 seconds to forward this.
If it were your child missing,
you would want all the help
you could get; please pass this on!!
Human Resources Assistant
Upper Perkiomen School District
(215) 679-7961, ext. 2463
From my brother to my Dad:
From me to my Dad:
Hey Pap. The last time I saw this missing kid was at the Johnstown Galleria Mall. He was shopping at the Abercrombie & Fitch for torn jeans with pre-existing holes in them if my memory serves me correct. I’ve went ahead and notified Margie Rullman, so hopefully it will lead to something. Thank you for all the daily forwards. Together we can fight crime and solve all of the missing children cases in the world!
From my Dad to me:
Yeah, I think I seen him down in Confluence on Sunday trying to find dat Apple Computer store. But at the time I didn’t know he was come up missin’ Next time I see him I bet it’ll be on an orange juice carton. I swear I should make a new year’s resolvalution to do no more of them forward emails thingys. Sigh! Caught again.
* This is an email from a friend that works in the art department on film projects. We were working on a movie called “Love And Other Drugs” at the time. Working on movies can be exhausting. A typical workday can be anywhere from 12-16 hours, and a typical workweek is usually 70-90 hours over the course of several months. Despite the long days and hard work, I always try to have a little fun with my co-workers along the way.
From Octavia to me:
I have pictures of three pieces of art from Lisa’s Condo that I need the name of the artist. I was wondering if you could do what you guys do so well, and ask the wonderful homeowner for this information. If you’re able to do this for me, there may be some warm sticky buns in it for you.
Not promising, just sayin.
From me to Octavia:
Octavia, I pulled an all nighter for you last night. I decided it was best not to burden the homeowners with the task of finding the artists names and I made the executive decision to get to the bottom of this myself. After some extensive digging and hardcore research, turns out the artist’s name is Jeff for the first one, and Thomas did the other two. Hope this helps…I can already taste those delicious sticky buns. Thank you in advance.
From Octavia to me:
THIS DOES NOT HELP AT ALL.
NO STICKY BUNS!
* This email isn’t all that particularly interesting unless you need a good recipe for no bake cookies. Rather, the situation leading up to this email was the more interesting part. I come into contact with a lot of different people through my job scouting locations for films. I meet with lawyers, architects, home owners, city officials, farmers, business men, police officers, principles, real estate agents, millionaires, slum dog millionaires, and you pretty much name it.
One of the property managers that I dealt with on a movie invited me to a Christmas cookie exchange party. It was out in total suburbia. I was warned by the host that all of the other cookie exchange guests were going to be older females (desperate housewives). I said “All the better. I’ll see you there.”
I attended the cookie exchange party that night and had the best time of my life jabbering with all the women about recipes, decorating tips, good wine, divorced husbands, child support, ect. I have no idea how I get myself into these situations, but I always find myself enjoying every minute of it. I love talking with people from all walks of life.
Here is an email from one of the guests that I’ve affectionately nicknamed LaPrecious.
From LaPrecious to me:
It was very nice meeting and talking with you last night at Virginia’s Cookie Exchange party!
No Bake Cookies
2 c. sugar
1/2 c. butter
1/2 c. peanut butter
1 tsp. vanilla
3 T. cocoa
1/2 c. milk
3 c. quick-cooking oats
Bring to a rapid boil, sugar, butter, peanut butter, cocoa and milk and boil for 1 minute. Quickly add the oats and remaining ingredients. Mix well and drop onto waxed paper. Refrigerate for 30 minute. Enjoy!
* My little 9 year old nephew was super excited to open up his first email account just like the big boys. His mother had sent out an email a few months prior, stating that my nephew enjoyed getting emails and she encouraged the family members to send him emails if we so desired. When his birthday rolled around, I figured I’d oblige and send a quick hello to the little guy.
From me to my nephew:
Dearest Dominic Willhelm,
My dear nephew. I heard you had a wonderful birthday. That is good. Wonderful birthdays are so wonderful. I also heard you had a ballerina themed party, where all the neighborhood boys dressed up like pretty little ballerinas and danced the night away. That too is wonderful. I wish I could have been there for all the tu-tu glory and twinkle toe bliss.
I miss you buddy. Glad you had a good birthday. See you in the summertime at Steph’s wedding and remember to stay away from those icky girls.
Love Your Crazy Uncle,
From my nephew to me:
Back to sorting and deleting emails for me…I’ll share some more emails down the road.