Hi there my fellow dimwits. I wanted to take a minute to introduce my big eared, snaggletoothed, lazy-eyed, bib overall, John Deere hat wearing friend, Ralph.
Ralph is my alter ego that I created about 6 years ago during the MySpace days. I’m not so sure someone like me needs an alter ego, but Ralph just sorta happened like all great, happy accidents seem to do (isn’t that right Mom and Dad!). I started Photoshopping my head onto the bodies of random photos that I found on the internet, mashed up the face a bit, played with the teeth a little, crossed up the eyes, and BOOM. Ralph was born.
I created a MySpace and began posting funny photos, poems, essays, and letters that Ralph had written to people like the President, the Pope, his pastor, girlfriends, high school teachers, Chuck Woolery, and to the management of Ralph’s all time favorite restaurant – Kentucky Fried Chicken. I also created a fake TV show called “Late Knight With Ralph” that Ralph filmed in his grandparents’ wood paneled basement with the help of his sweet 70 year old Gram acting as the camera operator and Ralph taking on the role of host.
Ralph would try to get famous guests on his show like Oprah Winfrey and Hulk Hogan, but he didn’t have a lot of success in the way of recruiting, so he would have to settle for interviewing whoever he could manage to scrounge up in his local neighborhood, like the post man or his crude, combative Uncle Rodger. I would post the transcripts from the Late Knight show to Ralph’s MySpace. It was pretty stinking hilarious.
Ralph had built up a bit of a cult following on MySpace. He had fans from all over the US and a few fans from across the globe. I never realized just how popular Ralph had gotten until I was working on a movie called “Smart People” in Pittsburgh. I was talking with the production designer and somehow Ralph came up in conversation. The designer mentioned that his high school son was a huge fan of Ralph, and he asked me if I had ever seen the Ralph MySpace. I was kind of taken aback. I told the him, “Yeah, I’m actually quite familiar with the site. This is going to sound a little strange, but I’m Ralph. I’m the guy who created the Ralph MySpace page.”
The designer was floored. He called his son to tell him that he’s working on a movie with Ralph. I ended up mailing his son a special gift and signed a card that included a silly note from his mischievous, snaggletoothed hero.
It was all really strange for me to be perfectly honest. I was just some dude who sat in his bedroom writing goofy letters and making silly images on my laptop during my spare time. I’m not sure what happened. I guess I got overwhelmed, or felt guilty that I couldn’t respond to all the comments and messages. It was all too much really, and I felt a tremendous sense of burden to entertain everyone. One night, I took the MySpace site down completely. Poof. Just like that, Ralph was no more.
I don’t know why, but I guess I’ve been missing my hillbilly alter ego friend lately. It was a little sad the way I had killed Ralph off without a proper goodbye to his fans. I don’t know that I’m necessarily ready to revive Ralph completely, but I have been doing some new writing with his character. I think it’s pretty funny, but I’ll let you guys be the judge. I’ll be posting some new and old stuff periodically.
Just a quick set-up to give a little background information: Ralph is 28, lives with his grandparents (Gram and Pap), feuds mightily with his Uncle Rodger, plays Dungeons and Dragons, idolizes WWF wrestling, blasts his favorite band ZZ Top, and loves, loves, loves chowing down on beef jerky. The rest of his character I think you’ll catch on pretty quickly.