Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions Progress Report

Well, well.  We’re already over the halfway mark for the year 2013 and it’ll soon be August.  It’s hard to believe.  Time flies when you’re having fun.

At the beginning of the year, I made a list of New Year’s resolutions.  Just thought I’d take this opportunity to share the list and give a quick progress report for those that might be interested.  For those that are not interested, I’ve included a link to view Def Leppard’s official music video for “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”  Click here for some of the craziest, coolest one armed drumming action you’ve ever seen, and for some of the biggest mullets in rock history.

I’ve put a check mark by the completed resolutions and indicated the outstanding ones in red.  Let’s get rocked, Def Leppard aficionados.  One armed drumroll please…

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Chris Hinton’s 2013 New Year’s Resolutions:

#1)  Get a pretty cool haircut just like the movie stars  ( √ )
#2)  Learn how to play Eddie Van Halen guitar solos on a keytar so that I can impress my friends at parties  ( √ )
#3)  Eat more celery and kale for dinner instead of chili cheese dogs and one pound burritos ( √ )
#4)  Get in shape so that I can bend down to tie my shoes just like the “good old days” ( √ )
#5)  Do at least one thing a day that scares me (ie: doing math, saying “Bloody Mary” in the mirror three times in a row, or listening to a Nicki Minaj song the whole way through) ( √ )
#6)  Visit a wax museum  ( No )
#7)  Visit a non-wax museum ( √ )
#8) Buy new car mats  ( √ )
#9) Clean out the fridge ( √ )
#10) Get married  ( No )

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Welp, there you have it.  Eight down, two to go.  I still have plenty of more time before the year winds down, but I’d like to keep my foot on the gas pedal.  Crank this mutha up a few decibels.  I’m a real go-getter.

There’s a bunch of newbies around here (welcome you dimwits).  Perhaps some of you are single ladies?  Feel free to check out my latest rejected Match.com dating profile if you haven’t already, and let’s see if we can’t knock the last two off the list.

I’ll see one of you lucky gals at the wax museum.   Look for me.  I’ll be the one wearing a burgundy turtleneck tucked neatly inside his daisy dukes.  Make the most of the remaining year, you all.  I will do the same.  Hugs and kisses.

$7.33 – A Thank You

Wooooooo doggie!  It’s been a while since I’ve done one for the ladies and the gay gentlemen, so here you go.  Here’s an autographed topless photo of me while out for a jog the other day.

I’m back to running and I haven’t drank for a week.  Ladies, it’s worth mentioning that I’m very much single and I’m super awesome at taking out the trash.  Totally just kidding.  Taking out the trash is the worst.  But for the love of God, would one of you girls just marry me already.  I haven’t french kissed a girl in like 5 years, and I’m getting tired of making out with my pillow night after night.

Anywho, enough complaining.  It’s been a while since I’ve done a proper thank you to you dimwits.  I used to do up something special for every milestone:  50 followers, 500 followers, 1,000 followers, 70 gagillion followers, ect.  But then somebody brought it to my attention that calling people followers maybe isn’t the best term, because the word follower has some sort of sheepish connotation to it.

You dimwits aren’t sheep.  You’re tigers, you’re leaders.   You’re wonderful people, so I’ll just leave it at that.  I’ll just say thank you for reading however many of you there are, because it means a lot to me.  It used to just be my mother reading this damn thing and it got annoying with her commenting all the time, and nobody else (Hey ma, I need to borrow $1,000 pronto.  Wire it to my account.  Thanks.)

I hate math.  I hate it even worse than taking out the trash, but I wanna go over some math with you real quick.  I made my first money ever off of writing last month.  I put these stupid ads on my blog because I wanna buy a big ass yacht.  Guess how much money I earned the first month?  A whopping 7 dollars and 33 cents.  Woopty do, dinner is on me ladies.  Looks like we’ll be eating at Arby’s and we’ll have to share that chocolate milkshake.  If there’s any money left over, we can go buy a cookie from Subway.  7 dollars and 33 cents.  What a crock.

I got out my calculator.  I’ve been writing for about eight years now, so I’ve earned roughly one dollar per year.  I’d say over the course of a year, I average writing and Photoshopping about an hour a day.  So that’s 365 hours per year.  One dollar per year, divided by 365 hours, equals .0027 per hour.  Now, keep in mind the big ass yacht that I want to buy costs 65 million dollars.

I did some more math.  Math is seriously the worst.  I’d rather watch reruns of Lucy than do math.  I forget how I came to the answer exactly, but I figured out at this rate, I’d have to write for about 15 billion more hours to be able to afford the 65 million dollar big ass yacht.  Sounds about right.  What a crock indeed.  I think I’m gonna start making candles instead of writing.  At least my apartment will smell nice.

No, but seriously, I do enjoy writing and I plan to continue writing in the future as I get time.  I know my blog is confusing, and as a result, I’ve lost a lot of folks along the way.  Sometimes I write serious, sometimes funny.  Sometimes I share sad stories, sometimes I make Photoshop tutorials.  Sometimes it’s photos, sometimes it’s videos.  For a simpleton, I’m a very complex man.  But through all the various writing – up and down, sideways and backwards – some of you have stuck around through the whole thing, and that’s really cool.  I appreciate it mucho.  So this is my thanks to you.

I don’t like to make promises, but I think I worked a lot of stuff out last month.  I’m feeling good, so I think I’ll stick to some really funny writing for a while.  I have a bunch of ideas, some old stuff, some new stuff.  We’ll just see where the road leads.  It better lead me to that big ass yacht.  7 dollars and 33 cents.  Hey WordAds, suck it!  Take your $7.33 and stick it up your greedy, coroporate arse.

Well, anyway ladies and gay gentlemen.  Here’s a bonus video especially for you.  It’s a compilation video I made a few years back of my professional modeling photos.  I put it to the song “Love Is On the Way” by Saigon Kick.  Better get the cold shower ready.

Thanks again you dimwits.  Have a nice day.  I will do the same.

Rejected Match.com Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> Will You Be My Matey?

Look who’s back!  Hello there, ladies.  It’s been a busy few months, but I’m back on the market, looking for love in all the wrong places.  Match.com just rejected my dating profile once again.

 SUBMISSION REJECTED.

Whatever.  It’s their loss and the dimwit’s gain.   My first dating profile didn’t land me the big fish.  I guess the ladies don’t like horses.  If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

I figured I’d give it another shot here on The Dimwit Diary.    It’s time to make a love connection.  Open up the floodgates, man the phones.  Away we go.

Hello.  My name is Chris.  I enjoy laughing,  engaging conversations, taking long nature walks, dining out, and reading about child sex predators.  I also enjoy wearing turtlenecks to the movie theater.  I’ve only been arrested once.

If I’m not reading about sociopaths or serial killers in the evenings, you can usually find me in the women’s section of K-Mart buying short shorts for roller skating parties.  During the day, I’m either dancing naked with frogs or getting unicorn manicures.  I’ve barely worked in the past 12 months, so my schedule is usually flexible.  If you’d like to join me for a day or evening outing, send me a message, but be prepared to do a lot of walking, and I’d prefer you not to talk.  It gives me a headache.

I had a rat tail for an entire year.  I just got a haircut at Supercuts and the lady messed it all up because she was telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend.  I have a thing for fanny packs and if I had a son, I’d like to name him Gaylord.

I have super sperm.  I come from a very fertile family.  I have 19 nieces and nephews and I’m one of 11 kids.  We all have nicknames.  We nicknamed my one sister “The Gootch.”

I’m a godfather and I’m part Italian.  Sometimes I have a temper, and I even almost murdered my father once, but I got too drunk on whiskey and wine that night, so I couldn’t drive to his house to finish the deed.  Thankfully, the police got things settled, and we have a good laugh about it when I write my father letters in prison.

I like to give hot oil massages and oink like a pig to keep things “fun” and “playful.”  Sometimes I eat canned peaches for lunch.  I also enjoy camping and ultimate frisbee.

I like to pretend that I’m a pirate and go to Pirate’s baseball games.  I put the plastic sword in my teeth and bite down and carry on like a pirate.  I started drinking whiskey when I was thirteen.  My favorite color is hunter green.

I enjoy photography, eating soft pretzels, and playing the piano.   I can make the water dripping noise just like Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.   My favorite TV show is “How To Catch A Predator” or “Maury Popvich.”  I enjoy the arts and making squirrel noises at squirrels.

One year, I took a 75 year old, chain smoking, severe alcoholic, Greek lady to the ballet.  I didn’t care much for the ballet.  I like balloons.  I like to write my name in cursive writing when I pee in the snow.  I make my own Christmas cards.  My one brother studies Neuroscience.  I like to snowshoe and I can juggle eggs, but sometimes I drop them.

I would love to meet up and we can maybe go to the Moose Lodge to watch my favorite wrestler Latin Assassin smash the Drunken Luchador’s face off the turnbuckle down at the local wrestling, or we could go to the Elks Lodge to listen to banjo night with all the old ladies and the old men.  Your pick.  Just say the word.

Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions.  I forgot to tell you, I’m right handed.  I look forward to hearing your reply.  ARGHHHHH!  Will you be my matey?

Rejected Match.com Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> A Slam Dunk

Hello, ladies.  Hello, there dimwits.  Hello there once again ladies.   So I made this Match.com profile and it got rejected.  Nothing like hopping onto a dating website to make a love connection, and receiving the first rejection right out of the gate.

SUBMISSION REJECTED.

Whatever, it’s their loss.  That’s what I typed in the comments section of their online customer service form, and then signed it, “Suck on a fat one, you dongs.”

I didn’t get a reply, so I figured I’d give it a shot here on the Dimwit Diary.   C’mon fate, whatch’ya got for me Universe?  The Captain’s on the rebound and he’s looking to score a put back.  Fingers crossed.  Here goes nothing…but hopefully something.

Hello.  My name is Chris and I enjoy wearing Aspen cologne.  Some of my other favorite fragrances are Brut by Fabergé, Claiborne Curve, Cool Water, Burberry, Tiffany for Men, and Stetson Black.  I guess if you were to categorize me by any one cologne, it would have to be Stetson Black – the sexy, sophisticated fragrance of the American West, with a blend of warm spices & fresh woods.

I have many hobbies and interests.  I enjoy frisbee golf, hacky sack, drum circles, clog dancing, planking, spelunking, spackling, bird watching, barbecue sauce, laser tag, hosting Tupperware parties with my crazy, yet lovable Aunt Leanoa, Segway tours, horse riding, horseshoes, horseradish, horse whispering, horses, dynamite bass fishing, Home Depot, Marco Polo, Ralph Lauren Polo, Polo Chicken, Mexico,  long walks on the beach, Dentyne Ice, flash mobs, flash animation, Flash Gordon, Jeff Gordon, Gordon Ramsey, pickles, reciting trivia facts on the Bailundo Revolt of 1902, building sandcastles, White Castle, my friend John Castle, curly straws, roller skating, ant farms, organic farms, horse farms, horse races, horse shows, horse jockeys, horse basketball, horsing around, horses, jalapeño peppers, Scattergories, allegories, John Tesh, and performing my infamous Tickle Me Elmo impersonation at fancy dinner parties, just to name a few.

I am a real movie buff.  I have purchased over 1,000 illegal copies of DVDs from a Chinaman down the street, but my all time favorite movie is “The Legend of Bagger Vance” starring Will Smith.  While I tend to enjoy most genres of movies, my favorite movies are the ones that depict the story of down-and-out golfers who discover the meaning of life through a mystical caddy.   Yours should be, too.

I was ready to give up on dating all together after the previous girl I dated turned out to be on America’s Top 100 Wanted Criminals, and I had to turn her in after we finished eating a delicious dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, then I saw her face plastered on all 70 of their giant ass, flat screen TVs.   I was through with dating, but a friend of mine told me to try this dating site out to “Score you a put back, home slizzle.”  I still wasn’t convinced, however.

I’ve never been much of a balla’ as my favorite rap artist, Bubba Sparxxx, likes to spit mad rhymes about, but I’m ready to get back in the game after moving back in with my mother at age 35, and holding many late night conversations with her while playing five-card Cribbage, sipping citrus lavender hot tea, and sharing inspirational, heartwarming tales of triumphant love and fuzzy romance.

I am looking for a boo who is nice, down to earth, has great penmanship, a winning smile, a passion for turtlenecks, can recite all the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby, prefers Jack Link’s Original Hickory Smokehouse beef jerky, has sandy blond hair, enjoys playing teacher / naughty school boy role playing, has shaved legs, trimmed mustache, a daring personality, witty charm, and can do a hilarious, British accent like my Garmin GPS.

If you have any questions, just ask me.  I’m currently unemployed and usually just sitting around the house all day watching videos of bizarre animal mating rituals, so chances are I’ll be able to get back to you pretty quickly.

Hit me up, buttercup.  This balla’ is ready to make a slam dunk.

* Serious inquiries only *