Look who’s back! Hello there, ladies. It’s been a busy few months, but I’m back on the market, looking for love in all the wrong places. Match.com just rejected my dating profile once again.
Whatever. It’s their loss and the dimwit’s gain. My first dating profile didn’t land me the big fish. I guess the ladies don’t like horses. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
I figured I’d give it another shot here on The Dimwit Diary. It’s time to make a love connection. Open up the floodgates, man the phones. Away we go.
Hello. My name is Chris. I enjoy laughing, engaging conversations, taking long nature walks, dining out, and reading about child sex predators. I also enjoy wearing turtlenecks to the movie theater. I’ve only been arrested once.
If I’m not reading about sociopaths or serial killers in the evenings, you can usually find me in the women’s section of K-Mart buying short shorts for roller skating parties. During the day, I’m either dancing naked with frogs or getting unicorn manicures. I’ve barely worked in the past 12 months, so my schedule is usually flexible. If you’d like to join me for a day or evening outing, send me a message, but be prepared to do a lot of walking, and I’d prefer you not to talk. It gives me a headache.
I had a rat tail for an entire year. I just got a haircut at Supercuts and the lady messed it all up because she was telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend. I have a thing for fanny packs and if I had a son, I’d like to name him Gaylord.
I have super sperm. I come from a very fertile family. I have 19 nieces and nephews and I’m one of 11 kids. We all have nicknames. We nicknamed my one sister “The Gootch.”
I’m a godfather and I’m part Italian. Sometimes I have a temper, and I even almost murdered my father once, but I got too drunk on whiskey and wine that night, so I couldn’t drive to his house to finish the deed. Thankfully, the police got things settled, and we have a good laugh about it when I write my father letters in prison.
I like to give hot oil massages and oink like a pig to keep things “fun” and “playful.” Sometimes I eat canned peaches for lunch. I also enjoy camping and ultimate frisbee.
I like to pretend that I’m a pirate and go to Pirate’s baseball games. I put the plastic sword in my teeth and bite down and carry on like a pirate. I started drinking whiskey when I was thirteen. My favorite color is hunter green.
I enjoy photography, eating soft pretzels, and playing the piano. I can make the water dripping noise just like Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. My favorite TV show is “How To Catch A Predator” or “Maury Popvich.” I enjoy the arts and making squirrel noises at squirrels.
One year, I took a 75 year old, chain smoking, severe alcoholic, Greek lady to the ballet. I didn’t care much for the ballet. I like balloons. I like to write my name in cursive writing when I pee in the snow. I make my own Christmas cards. My one brother studies Neuroscience. I like to snowshoe and I can juggle eggs, but sometimes I drop them.
I would love to meet up and we can maybe go to the Moose Lodge to watch my favorite wrestler Latin Assassin smash the Drunken Luchador’s face off the turnbuckle down at the local wrestling, or we could go to the Elks Lodge to listen to banjo night with all the old ladies and the old men. Your pick. Just say the word.
Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions. I forgot to tell you, I’m right handed. I look forward to hearing your reply. ARGHHHHH! Will you be my matey?