Welp, Photoshoppers. It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these godforsaken things. I’m a little rusty. Nothing that a fifth of Jack and a case of Bud can’t cure. I already have a pounding headache. Let’s just get it over with. Happy fourth of freaking July.
Fourth of July is coming up in the lovely U S of A. I’ll be getting together with family. Joy of all joys. I can’t wait for all my nieces and nephews to punch me in the balls and tell me a million times to look at this. Awesome. Congratulations, you did a handstand. Tell me to look at this when you find the cure for cancer. Why don’t you go look in the cooler and grab your uncle a cold beer. I swear, it’s like this all day with those kids. It’s like listening to a broken record.
For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to turn your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster. Let’s go ahead and begin today’s lesson, shall we? I guess we shall.
Step 1: Buy A Boatload of Fireworks
I don’t have money for whiskey and beer. I’m broke, and I don’t feel like hanging out with my father in the prison showers, so I can’t go looting the liquor store for whiskey. I gotta do this one sober unfortunately. It’s time for some Photoshop inspiration Katy Perry “Firework” style.
The big fireworks are illegal to purchase in the state of Pennsylvania, so I have a friend that sells them out of his trunk. I asked him to do me a solid and he gave me a Roman candle, a 100 shot Saturn missile, a 200 shot mortar tube, and a stick of dynamite for free. I set them all off in my neighbor’s yard late last night since their dogs wake me up every single morning at 5:35 AM. Fireworks exploded everywhere and It rained ash all over their house. It was very inspiring. Let’s continue with this firework fiasco.
Step 2: Lasso Your Crazy Drunk Aunt
Above is the original, untouched photo of my crazy drunk aunt at the family picnic over Labor Day. Aunt Ruthie likes to get drunk and bawl her eyes out over absolutely nothing, and then she’ll squeeze my cheeks as hard as possible. I’m 35 years old. The cheek squeezing shoulda ended 30 years ago. Aunt Ruthie will make a perfect volunteer for our Katy Perry firework demonstration. If you don’t have a crazy drunk aunt, then just use a photo of your crazy meth addict cousin.
I’m not gonna spend too much time teaching you about lassoing. I already covered that in previous lessons, so if you don’t have it down by now, then you’re hopeless and you should just get a job at the gas station selling cigarettes.
Below is the isolated lassoed layer of my crazy drunk aunt that I’ll be working with. Her hair is too damn big and messy. I woulda had to lasso all day, so it’s good enough.
Step 3: Insert Big Ass Fireworks Into The Background
Now that I have the isolated layer of my crazy drunk aunt, I’m going to insert a photo of some big ass fireworks. Do a Google search, and steal whatever photo you like best. The more explosions and raining ash the better. Make the fireworks really go boom to get that full Katy Perry effect.
Step 4: Select A Really Cool Font
I’m at my wit’s end. Honest to God, these things are like torture. I gotta wrap this sonofabitch up before I lose my mind and have to marry a frog. There’s at least a dozen steps that I’m skipping. At least a dozen, but just go to the Character tool box, and start messing around with fonts. Pick a really swirly font. That’s what Katy Perry would want in the way of fonts. The swirlier the better.
After you select the swirly font, then go to the Styles tool box. Start messing around with that crap, too. Think fireworks. Think big and rocketing and fireworks exploding in the air raining down ash on your barking dog neighbor’s house.
Select a style with a bright color and a wicked beveled edge. People go nuts for beveled edged fonts. Your friends will bow down in mighty awe at your creation. They’ll surely buy you a sauerkraut hotdog and a Coca Cola to wash it down with at the fireworks display. Fourth of July is the worst.
Here’s the finished poster of my crazy drunk aunt. I picked out a swirly font with a star crossing the “i” and turned her hair bright purple cause I thought it looked more Katy Perry like. I also added in the word “firework” to really sell home the point. I replaced the plastic fork with a stick of dynamite. Here’s your damn poster. I gotta get out of here.
Congratulations on making your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster. Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop my nieces and nephews doing handstands in the sound proofed locked basement while I enjoy a beer in peace. Happy 4th of July, you dimwits. Boom.
The Dimwit Diary 