The FAQs, Jack

Frequently Asked Questions That Nobody Asked Me So I Had To Make Up

Q:  Will you marry me?
A:  Yes.

Q:  Are you really a dimwit?
A:  No, not really.  I’d consider myself more of a knuckle dragging, slack-jawed, nincompoop, but I went with The Dimwit Diary for simplicity sake.

Q:  You’re really funny.  Why do you have so few followers?
A:  Most likely because I insult my readers with names like bunghole and dimwitted half-breeds, but also because I have this false notion that if my writing is witty and funny enough, people will somehow magically find me in a sea of 6.7 million other bloggers without having to do any sort of marketing or promotional effort on my part.

Q:  So in other words your blog sucks?
A:  Well, yes.  That too.

Q:  What goals do you hope to accomplish with The Dimwit Diary?
A:  To make people laugh, to inject some humor into peoples’ lives, to encourage people to think.  Just kidding!!!  To hook up with some internet hotties, of course.

Q:  Who are some of your favorite authors?
A:  I’m not really an avid reader to be honest.  But out of the authors that I have read, I would have to say my favorites are J.D. Salinger, Tennessee Williams, Mark Twain, and Tammy Faye Messner’s biography, Tammy:  Telling It My Way.  

Tammy-Telling It My Way

Q:  Do you like to wear turtlenecks?
A:  Every chance I get, every wedding or holiday party that I ever attend.

Q:  Are you high?
A:  Assuming you mean high on life, then yes.  I’m as high as a Christmas goose.

Q:  How come you’re so awesome?
A:  Probably because I sold my soul to the Devil back in the 1st grade in exchange for a 4 ounce container of Mott’s applesauce (in retrospect, I probably should have asked for more applesauce).  But the Devil must have misheard me and thought I said a 4 ounce container of awesomesauce.  I also watched a lot of Fresh Prince and listened to a lot of Vanilla Ice growing up, which certainly didn’t hurt my cause.

Q:  In one hashtag, how would you describe your blog?
A: #FunnyRidiculousRandomEntertainingTurtleneckAwesomesauce

84 thoughts on “The FAQs, Jack

  1. To think you would have married me if I only I didn’t like long walks on the beach!! Now that I think about it, I don’t really like to walk that far!! Hmmm….☺MAM

    • HA! Well sorry, I don’t comprise on long beach walking. We could’ve been something special but I’m still glad to have you in my life in some capacity. Thank you for the comment. :)

      • From the host:Wow, It is really exicitng to see ourselves on your website!Almost all of our food is shipped in from the mainland, so we were all working with the same ingredients, making it more of a fun challenge. We had several types of tomato basil soup, thai chicken soup, baked potato soup, tortilla soup, cream of asparagus and mushroom, shaker chicken noodle soup, Soup Du Jour (which we all suspected came from a Progresso can, but it’s always fun to have an item that no one wants in a yankee swap!), cream of broccoli soup, carrot-coconut-ginger soup and English onion soup. Those are the ones I can remember!Most of us return to the US for the winter holidays, so we are all making lists of unavailable items that we are going to stock up on.

  2. Thanks for the “like” on my blog…. I’ll be hanging around here, reading your shit….. Have a great day. :-)

        • Hi Pete;I’ve been following your prregoss since I first heard of your accident & think of you often! Just yesterday Marilyn Hood started a group on Facebook .I remember Milton! In less than 24 hours the group has grown to 214 members & again it made me think of you. I would like to add your name to the group, and my wish is that your girlfriend or your niece will go on and read some of the memories to you & provide you with a little entertainment .laughter really is the best medicine!Wishing only the best for you,Suzanne Ricketts

        • JOIN TEAM JOEY NATION!BUFFALO WILD WINGS IN AUBURN, IN Wednesday NOV. 14th from 6-8(Come on out!) You may contact for copuons. 10% of all food purchases will be donated to help JOEY!**TEAM JOEY Christmas Extravaganza** Mark your Calendar!!Date: November 17th, 2012Time: 12:00pm 5:00pmLocation: Auburn First Christian Church,910 N. Indiana Ave. Auburn, IN (Just south of Rieke Park) SANTA will be there for a photo Opp, bring your camera, take all the pictures you need and make your Christmas Cards perfect, coloring table for kids to color pages for the Keller’s, Party lite candles, Premier Designs, a Certified Massage Therapist (for on the spot massage), home made Jams, bake sale, 31, Vault Denim, home made blankets, scarves and purses and many more things! SILENT AUCTION: Debrands chocolates gift baskets, American doll clothes, Cookie cottage gift baskets, Italian Grille gift cert, Albright’s Grocery gift Cert., movie baskets, longaberger baskets, Vera Bradley Bags and MUCH MUCH MORE! Please join us in making this a SUCCESS FOR JOEY!!!! Please share and mark your Calendar!

        • I love you too but where is your shit? Alls I can see is a profile pic that cuts you off at the mouth. Hm, on second thought, that’ll do just fine. I’m so romantic. Will you marry me?

          Let me start over. Your mouth is so pretty. Will you marry me?

          • Ha! At first my blog was meant to be anonymous, but there’s a bunch of pics of me throughout my shit…..
            And yes, let’s get married! What state do you live in? I guess I could move….;)

    • Turtlenecks FTW! Do you really mean that? Because I’m pretty serious about my turtleneck wearing habits (ie: turtlenecks for breakfast, turtlenecks for summer excursions, turtlenecks for brunches, turtlenecks for Yoga, turtlenecks for lunch, turtlenecks for autumn leaf foliage tours, turtlenecks for Segway tours, turtlenecks for family Christmas portraits, turtlenecks FTW!!!) It’s a turtleneck world, I’m just living in it.

      • Chris…don’t even mess with me about the turtleneck thing. I’m deadly serious. Then again…I always kind of liked the tortured artist types. Maybe that’s the root of my t-neck attraction. Hmmm…must give that some additional thought today.

    • Many people think there’s nonhtig to writing an article, but they are not pros. You appear to be a professional and intelligent writer as you have gathered and written valuable information in an original manner.

  3. for starters – thanks for dropping by my blog! also – i could always use a good laugh and your blog provides plenty. for being a dimwit, you don’t seem so dim to me. i really love the humor; can’t wait to follow along and to have more time scoping out the rest of this blog. have a great day! :)

    • YES! Let’s do some stomping and stampeding, shall we? I’ll have to give you’re blog more of a look when I’m not writing wonderful, glorious Amazon reviews about unicorn T-Shirts. Thanks!

  4. Hello Dim. Thanks for visiting my site and forcing me to return the favor. I enjoyed my time here and look forward to more wit.

  5. You are so funny. If only, you know, you didn”t wear turtlenecks. I hate turtlenecks. There was this tortoise incident when I was a child…no awesome sauce…;) Anyway. I have added your wit of dim to my blogroll, so my totally 420 self can remember to come by and be entertained.

    now do your job. :)

    • YES! The blogroll. That’s some serious pressure, but we turtleneck wearers don’t mind the feeling of tightness squeezing around our neck and tight situations, because we’re cool like cucumbers. Well, let’s hope anyways.

  6. I’m sure I had something to do today, but then gosh darn if I didn’t discover a site that had unicorns, Photoshop, and beautiful, beautiful writing. I’m about twenty pages in, and I’m still not out of bed yet.

    • Yes, it’s quite eclectic in here. One minute it’s unicorns and zombies and the next minute I’m all sappy gushing on about love. I don’t know how that happens, but I’m glad you’re rolling with it and reading along. Now get out of bed! Or don’t. Sometimes it’s nice to stay in bed all day and read or listen to music. Well, anyway, thanks for the comment. It’s nice to hear and makes me want to keep making unicorns all the more when I hear things like that. So thanks!

  7. Dearest Applesauce,

    I didnt want to try to contact you this way, but email me if you would, I have something that you may want to write down or pursue at some point in your life. I want to run something by you. It’s all you, no joint venture or multi-level marketing. I think it suits you and may be something you decide to pursue at some time or another. Somebody has to to do it.

    • Dear The Panderers,

      Ohmygosh, sorry I just stumbled upon this! Writing about my Dad’s stuff takes the wind out of me, and I was in a rotten place mentally. But I’m back. At least I think so. I’ll hit you up with an email, but incase I forget, here’s mine:

      pittsburghchris@gmail.com

      Cheers, my good friend. Hope you’re well.

  8. I just my parking validated and some directions on how to get out here. I took the express elevator but wound marrying 2 million other Koreans so if you don’t mind being spouse 2 million and one then were good.

  9. Pingback: Now back to our regularly scheduled programming | Sean Smithson

    • I have really wreokd hard on changing my master closet. My first big closet transformation took place one year ago as part of Simple Mom’s Project Simplify 2011. I literally tried on EVERY. SINGLE. ITEM in my closet: Master Closet Take 1, Before, After.

  10. Thanks for making me spend tons of time reading your blog post and laughing so much. Now my computer is dying and my abs hurt from the laughter. I’m also harboring feelings of jealousy towards you because you’re so funny and I’m not, so I have a guilty conscience to go with my pain and the dead battery. I guess I will follow your blog anyway in hopes that one day you’ll become boring.

    On further reflection the guilt may have something to do with the two bodies I buried in my backyard earlier today.

  11. I was wondering if you had a hand in scouting for the “Fathers and Daughters” movie that looking to film in the Pittsburgh area.

  12. YOU ARE BACK! or maybe you already were! Welcome back, thanks for giving me something very funny to read while I day drink alone! FUNNY STUFF!

  13. So you are a polygamist? Fine, I can live with that. But you have to promise not to think of one of your other wives when you are with me.
    What number am I, though? 15? 20? I hope you won´t make us wear sweaters with numbers on them. I like the numbers. But I don´t like sweaters.

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