Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Your Crazy Drunk Aunt into a Katy Perry Firework Poster

Welp, Photoshoppers.  It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these godforsaken things.  I’m a little rusty.  Nothing that a fifth of Jack and a case of Bud can’t cure.  I already have a pounding headache.  Let’s just get it over with.  Happy fourth of freaking July.

001 4th of July

Fourth of July is coming up in the lovely U S of A.  I’ll be getting together with family.  Joy of all joys.  I can’t wait for all my nieces and nephews to punch me in the balls and tell me a million times to look at this.  Awesome.  Congratulations, you did a handstand.  Tell me to look at this when you find the cure for cancer.  Why don’t you go look in the cooler and grab your uncle a cold beer.  I swear, it’s like this all day with those kids.  It’s like listening to a broken record.

For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to turn your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Let’s go ahead and begin today’s lesson, shall we?  I guess we shall.

Step 1:  Buy A Boatload of Fireworks

I don’t have money for whiskey and beer.  I’m broke, and I don’t feel like hanging out with my father in the prison showers, so I can’t go looting the liquor store for whiskey.  I gotta do this one sober unfortunately.  It’s time for some Photoshop inspiration Katy Perry “Firework” style.

The big fireworks are illegal to purchase in the state of Pennsylvania, so I have a friend that sells them out of his trunk.  I asked him to do me a solid and he gave me a Roman candle, a 100 shot Saturn missile, a 200 shot mortar tube, and a stick of dynamite for free.   I set them all off in my neighbor’s yard late last night since their dogs wake me up every single morning at 5:35 AM.  Fireworks exploded everywhere and It rained ash all over their house.  It was very inspiring.  Let’s continue with this firework fiasco.

Step 2:  Lasso Your Crazy Drunk Aunt

DSC_0036

Above is the original, untouched photo of my crazy drunk aunt at the family picnic over Labor Day.  Aunt Ruthie likes to get drunk and bawl her eyes out over absolutely nothing, and then she’ll squeeze my cheeks as hard as possible.  I’m 35 years old.  The cheek squeezing shoulda ended 30 years ago.  Aunt Ruthie will make a perfect volunteer for our Katy Perry firework demonstration.  If you don’t have a crazy drunk aunt, then just use a photo of your crazy meth addict cousin.

I’m not gonna spend too much time teaching you about lassoing.  I already covered that in previous lessons, so if you don’t have it down by now, then you’re hopeless and you should just get a job at the gas station selling cigarettes.

Below is the isolated lassoed layer of my crazy drunk aunt that I’ll be working with.  Her hair is too damn big and messy.  I woulda had to lasso all day, so it’s good enough.

003 4th of July

Step 3:  Insert Big Ass Fireworks Into The Background

Now that I have the isolated layer of my crazy drunk aunt, I’m going to insert a photo of some big ass fireworks.  Do a Google search, and steal whatever photo you like best.  The more explosions and raining ash the better.  Make the fireworks really go boom to get that full Katy Perry effect.

Firework Go Boom

Step 4:  Select A Really Cool Font 

I’m at my wit’s end.  Honest to God, these things are like torture.  I gotta wrap this sonofabitch up before I lose my mind and have to marry a frog.  There’s at least a dozen steps that I’m skipping.  At least a dozen, but just go to the Character tool box, and start messing around with fonts.  Pick a really swirly font.  That’s what Katy Perry would want in the way of fonts.  The swirlier the better.

After you select the swirly font, then go to the Styles tool box.  Start messing around with that crap, too.  Think fireworks.  Think big and rocketing and fireworks exploding in the air raining down ash on your barking dog neighbor’s house.

Select a style with a bright color and a wicked beveled edge.  People go nuts for beveled edged fonts.  Your friends will bow down in mighty awe at your creation.  They’ll surely buy you a sauerkraut hotdog and a Coca Cola to wash it down with at the fireworks display.  Fourth of July is the worst.

Here’s the finished poster of my crazy drunk aunt.  I picked out a swirly font with a star crossing the “i” and turned her hair bright purple cause I thought it looked more Katy Perry like.  I also added in the word “firework” to really sell home the point.  I replaced the plastic fork with a stick of dynamite.  Here’s your damn poster.   I gotta get out of here.004 Crazy Drunk Aunt Katy Perry Firework Poster

Congratulations on making your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop my nieces and nephews doing handstands in the sound proofed locked basement while I enjoy a beer in peace.   Happy 4th of July, you dimwits.  Boom.

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Photoshop Lessons – How To Make A Purple Heart Vietnam War Veteran Commemorative Poster

So I met a nice gentlemen when I was out scouting yesterday.  Didn’t quite catch his name, but we got to talking.  It was mostly him talking.  He was going on about war, purple hearts, Charlie this, and Charlie that.  I don’t know.  He keeps rambling, so I told him, “Hey buddy, while you’re flapping your gums a million miles a minute, lean up against the parking meter for me, would ya?  I’m gonna take a nice photo of you for my Photoshop tutorial if that’s cool with you.”

The gentlemen told me that he seen the fork-tongued Devil in his living room back when he lived in Kansas, then he says “Yeah, that’s cool.  What’s this for anyway?”  I had him relax his shoulders a little bit.  Told him to give me a big smile.  Snapped the shot, and says, “Well, you like to talk about purple hearts so much, so I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

Purple Heart 1

Since Memorial Day is coming up, I thought for today’s Photoshop lesson it would be a good opportunity to teach you how to turn a purple heart Vietnam War veteran into commemorative poster.  I’d like to dedicate this one to all of those that risk their lives in war and get shot in the leg like my good war friend here – and I wish I caught his name but he was talking so damn much – so we’ll just call him Bruce for the sake of this demonstration.

Let’s go to war, shall we?  We most certainly shall Photoshoppers.

Step 1:  Watch Tons of War Movies 

Part of being a good Photoshopper is knowing how to get in the zone.  Sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s a fifth of whiskey, and sometimes it’s a combination of both.  This particular lesson, we will be getting ourselves into the war zone so to speak.

Since I don’t have money to go rent movies or pay for cable, I went over to my Mom’s house to see what I could dig up.  She had a bunch of romantic comedies and at least a dozen Billy Blanks Tae Bo instructional videos for some ungodly reason.  Billy Blanks would do in a pinch, but then I dug around some more and found a copy of the movie Forrest Gump.  Perfect.  If you don’t have a copy of Forrest Gump, feel free to watch some other classic war movies, like Hot Shots! Part Deux starring another Charlie –  Charlie Sheen.

Step 2:  Photo Correcting; Bringing Bruce’s Eyes To The Forefront

Original Photo

Above is the original, untouched photo of Bruce, our ponytailed war veteran, who was kind enough to volunteer not only his services for America, but also for this Photoshop tutorial.

As you can see, the pipe smoking bulldog Marine Corps ballcap has left a dark shadow, and it’s difficult to make out Bruce’s nice eyes.  I will teach you how to do a photo retouch so that we can make those eyes sparkle like sliver bullets.  Here is the before image of the isolated layer that I will be starting with.

Isolated Layer Of Bruce

So I was just thinking of this.  Do you guys remember in the movie where Forrest Gump is sitting on the bench talking to some guy, and he says something like, “Oh, yes sir. The bullet bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the Army must keep that money, cause I still haven’t seen a nickel of that million dollars.”  I was just thinking of that line, and man I wish someone would shoot me in the ass and give me a million dollars.  It would get me out of doing these Photoshop tutorials, but I’m broke as a joke, so let’s keep on keepin’ on.

Go to the Layer tab.  Select New Layer Adjustment from the drop down menu.  There’s a bunch of options from the drop down menu that I have no idea what they’re for, so don’t even bother asking.   I played around with the Levels, Exposure, and the Brightness/Contrast.  Go ahead and play around with the levels of those layers until Bruce’s eyes begin to brighten up a little.

Step 3:  Let’s Get Dodgey

The Dodge Tool can be found on the left hand side of your tools menu.  The icon looks like a lollipop. I have no idea why why it looks like a lollipop, so don’t bother asking me that one either.  There’s no time for questions.  Actually, there probably is time, because Forrest Gump is the longest movie in the history of movies.  I took a two hour nap, and he was still sitting on the same bench talking some poor lady’s ears off.

Select the Dodge Tool, set the exposure level to about a 4 or a 6, and start painting around Bruce’s eyes to lighten them up.  Don’t go too nuts painting around with the lollipop.  It should be a very subtle change, but you’ll notice a big difference when I add the final background in the last step.  Here’s a side by side comparison of the two photos just so you have an idea for now.

Dodgy Bruce

Step 4:  The War Is Over

Screw this.  I don’t have the patience anymore.  I don’t think I ever had it in the first place,  so I’m skipping steps 5 through 112.

It’s hard to do these things sober, but when I was eating hotdogs for lunch with Bruce yesterday, he says that the Devil told him during that night back in Kansas that he needs to get his life together, and stop shoving powder up his nose.  Then as the Devil was talking to him, Bruce snorted a few more lines of coke off the coffee table.  He dusted off the remaining powder, looked up, and he seen that it wasn’t the fork-tongued Devil afterall.  It was Jesus H. Christ sitting beside him on his sofa couch having a nice living room chit chat with Bruce.  That was the last time he did cocaine, so if Bruce can pull it together, so can I.

I decided I’m only gonna drink on Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays from here on out.  Something profound happened to me when I used the Dodge Tool to bring Bruce’s eyes to the forefront.  It was like the legally blind, right eye of the purple hearted Bruce peered out from underneath the bulldog ballcap, and spoke directly to me.  The eye whispered, “You foolish dimwit.  I’m concerned that maybe you’re drinking too much.  I’ve been there before, man.  Not with booze, but with narcotics and mountainous piles of blow.  Time to end the war and wrap this sonofabitch up, soldier.  It’s time you end the war with yourself as well.”

Welp, sounds good to me.  So here’s your commemorative poster of the purple heart Vietnam war veteran.  I added a background with fighter choppers and dramatic clouds cause I thought it looked pretty cool.  I kept Bruce’s parking meter so he could have something to lean on since his leg was all shot up, and gave him a badass purple heart tattoo.  I played around with the brightness and contrast layers some more, watched about 6 more hours of Forrest Gump, and here you go.

Purple Heart Commemorative Poster

Congratulations on making your purple heart Vietnam War commemorative poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop Jesus H. Christ sitting on the bench next to Forrest Gump and telling him to shut his piehole with all the lying, life if like a box of chocolates, overly exaggerated, drawn out stories.  Honest to God, that movie is at least 4 hours long.  Billy Blanks needs to give Forrest Gump a few Tae Bo’s to the back of the head or something, and tell him to speed it up a little.

Well anyway, a special thanks to all those that have volunteered their services and to those that gave up their lives to make this world a better place.  You are gone but not forgotten.  See you dimwits the next time.

Photoshop Lessons – How To Photoshop Your Gremlin Kids Into A Star Wars Poster

Well, I don’t know what the deal is with you dimwits, but I have a hundred nieces and nephews.  At least it feels that way. It might as well be a hundred when they’re all gathered for the holidays, running around the house biting and screaming like a bunch of rabid animals.  The worst is, now some of them are into Star Wars.  They’ll go around for hours with their toy lightsabers, hacking away at my shins, and stabbing me in the neck.

I swear they’re lucky they’re cute kids, or else I’d take those lightsabers and snap them right in half.  Whoops, sorry about that, young Skywalker.  I’m hungover and trying to take a nap.  Now go bug your parents, and give your uncle a break with the dangblasted lightsabers already.  Cripes almighty.  I hate Star Wars with a passion.

Chris Star Wars Poster

Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will teach you how to Photoshop your gremlin kids into a Star Wars poster so that they’ll leave you the crap alone.  With any luck, maybe they’ll go off to a galaxy far, far away to admire their Star Wars poster instead of whipping around those friggin’ lightsabers like they’re Obi Wan Kenobi or something.  One could only hope.

Let’s begin today’s Photoshop lesson, shall we?  We shall, Jedi Photoshoppers.

Step 1:  Take Some Aspirin

Welp, I’ve been sober for about 2 weeks now.  It’s not as awesome as it sounds, trust me, but I don’t have any more money to go blow on whiskey binges every other night, so I’ll be doing this one completely uninebriated, unfortunately.  I’m just gonna have to dig deep to find another source of motivation.

Forget the music and booze.  I’m going in a different direction.  I’m gonna down half a bottle of expired Aspirin that I found in my shaving bag back from high school.  If you don’t have an expired bottle of Aspirin, feel free to substitute the Aspirin with some whiskey, wine, vodka, moonshine, uppers, crank, speed, meth, or all of thee above depending on how many kids of your own that you have.

Honest to God, I wish I had the Force right about now, cause I’d use it to snatch up my neighbor’s beer bottle in a flash.  I can see them outside grilling shish kabobs and drinking Coronas.  Must be nice living high on the hog.  I’m popping a few more Aspirins and going straight to bed right after this galactic fiasco is finished up.

Step 2:  Selecting A Swinging Sponge Mop Photo

Chris & Luke

Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this demonstration.  As you can see, it’s me getting in some quality bonding time with one of my nephews.  If you don’t have a photo of yourself swinging around a sponge mop to the back of your nephew’s pink flowered stroller, just use this one, or Google another image using those key search words.

By now, you should be some regular, old cowboys and cowgirls with the Lasso Tool, so I’m gonna skip that step.  Actually I’m gonna skip about 50 other steps while I’m at it, because I’m starting to get carpal tunnel from typing up all these Photoshop tutorials.  Mainly I just want to teach you a little about layers for this lesson.  One must learn to crawl before they can go around whacking people in the knee caps with godforsaken lightsabers.

And I just realized, I probably shoulda taught you how to use layers in the first lesson since it’s the most important step to becoming a Photoshop Jedi master like myself, but that’s one of the downsides to teaching these lessons drunk.

Forget it.  The past is the past, so there’s no sense dwelling on what could’ve been.   Here’s the lassoed, isolated layer of myself that I’ll be working with.

Goodbye Nephew, Hello Lightsaber

Step 3:  Replacing The Sponge Mop With A Lightsaber

In the previous lesson, you learned how to make a Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster, and you became familiar with the Clone Stamp Tool.  It’s a pretty handy dandy tool.  In the photo below, take notice that I used the Clone Stamp Tool to sample and cover up the sponge mop on my sweatshirt.  I also used the Clone Stamp Tool to get rid of the harsh shadows caused by the mop head.

What’s that?  I sense some doubt.  I find your lack of faith to be disturbing.  Here’s a side by side comparison so you get an idea of just how lethal of a weapon the Clone Stamp Tool can really be.

Clone Stamp Tool Rules

Now that I got rid of the sponge mop and harsh shadows, I’ll teach you how to add in the lightsaber.  Let out a hearty yee-haw cowboys and cowgirls and wake up the neighbors.  Select the Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner, take a few more Aspirins, and give those hands a lassoing they’ll never forget.  Once you’ve made the selection, make a new layer of just the hands.  In between the layer of me swinging around a sponge mop and the hands layer, I will be adding a layer of the lightsaber.  It’s a little confusing.  Here’s another visual so you know what the hell I’m talking about.

The Force Is Strong With This One

You can see that I’ve named the layers in the order they should go in.  In between the layer of me swinging around the sponge mop and the hands layer is the layer of the lightsaber.  Assuming you know how to count to ten, you should also notice a fifth layer at the top titled “Handle.”

I made a separate layer of the portion of the handle located in the gap between my hands, and placed it as the top layer so it looks like my hands are clasping the lightsaber.  I don’t know if I’m making any sense.  Probably not, but I’m moving on anyways, cause I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded and my extremities are going numb.

Step 4:  Talking Squirrels; Time To Wrap It Up

No time for chit chat.  There’s a squirrel outside my bedroom window that keeps looking at me, and I swear he just said, “Hello there, Photoshop Knight.  Whad’ya say it’s time you wrapped this sonofabitch up.”   So I’m not gonna argue with him.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a close up of squirrel’s ugly rat teeth after downing twelve Aspirins, but they’re pretty freaking sharp.

Man, oh day.  I gotta go lay down for a minute or two, cause it feels like my liver’s been turned inside out and I’m starting to black out.  I really need to get a job so I can stop doing these Photoshop tutorials.  No joke, I just heard today that Speilberg is considering doing a film here in Pittsburgh.  As long as it’s not George Lucas making another 4 hour film about Jar Jar Binks, that’s cool with me.

Here’s your Star Wars poster with the shin bashing, lightsaber culprits.  I replaced the original background with a space background.  I added a photo of my bratty nephews squirting me with water guns at the family picnic, as well as a photo of my niece holding a pink light saber, and a photo of the stroller bound nephew trapped in some spaceship thing at the Chuck E. Cheeses.  For good measure, I also added a photo of a hungry bear that I took at the zoo last summer, cause I didn’t feel like staring at Chewbacca’s hairy fanged, sasquatch face all day.

It says the Aspirin expired in 1998.  I feel like I’ve been put on the Death Star and blown up to smithereens.  I used to really like Star Wars, and now it’s all ruined for me.  Well, here’s your poster before I go pass out cold.

Star Wars Final Poster

Congratulations on making a Star Wars poster of your gremlin kids.  That concludes today’s Photoshop tutorial.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop your nieces and nephews on top the roof while I go use the Force to snatch up a 12-pack of Coronas from the neighbors, and eat all their shish kabobs in peace and quiet.

Photoshop Lessons – How To Photoshop A Mary Poppins Flying Umbrella Witch Poster

Well, first off, let me begin with an apology.  I was not myself the last tutorial.  I was angry.  I was furious.  I wanted to smash Jon Bon Jovi’s face off the side of a curb and bury his Olivia Newton-John looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey.  It was just a very bad day, but nothing that a lot of whiskey and a few jagerbombs can’t fix.  So, sorry for that.   Pulled it together, dusted myself off, and ready to go.  It’s time to begin our supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Mary Poppins lesson.

001 Chris Mary Poppins

So let me be the first to admit that I’ve never seen this damn movie in my entire life.  You’d have to shoot me first before I go around watching Mary Poppins.  But somebody made the request that since we did ferocious wolves in pop up tents the last time, this time could I do one more for the ladies and gay gentlemen.  So I said, “Fine.  It would be my pleasure.”

Since I’m not familiar with Mary Poppins, I did a little fishing around online.  As far as I can tell, it’s about some super nanny that flies around like a witch, wearing floppy hats, except for using brooms to fly around in, she uses an umbrella.  Sounds like a winner.  I’ll be sure to check it out sometime, right after I finish up my will and swallow a fist full of pills.

Let’s begin today’s Photoshop lesson and get it over with, shall we?  I suppose we shall.

Step 1:  Pray To Jesus

This step is self explanatory, so no need to ramble on.  In addition to praying to Jesus, I will be listening to lots of Pantera.  Ladies and gay gentlemen, feel free to substitute Pantera with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Whatever floats your boat.  To each their own.

Step 2:  Selecting Flying Umbrella Witch Images To Combine

002 Mom and Mary Poppins

Above are the two primary images I’ll be combining together to make our Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  On the far right is a photo of my Mom and my youngest sister.  As you can see, my Mom is making her usual goofy face, holding an umbrella the size of Jupiter, and doing her best to embarrass me in public.  She will make a perfect Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch for the purpose of this demonstration for sure.

Step 3:  Getting Rid Of The Floppy Hat Flying Umbrella Witch

So by now, you’ve already learned to do enough lassoing of ferocious wolf heads and smoking hot blonds in previous lessons, so I’m going to skip that portion.  I will teach you some new tricks to become a Photoshop master like me, so one day all of your friends will bow down to you in mighty awe.

Go to the upper, left hand corner and select the Clone Stamp Tool.  Here is a visual of where you can find the tool.  Take a good look, cause it’s the last time you’ll be seeing super nanny flying through the air, toting around her oversized duffle bag, and looking pensively off into the distance with her rosy cheeked witch face.

003 Cloning Mary Poppins Rosy Cheeked Witch Face

So basically, I’ll try to walk you through this as best I can in as few words as possible.  I don’t feel like being here all day looking at flying umbrella witches, as I’m sure you don’t either.

Make a new layer of the Mary Poppins original photo.  Once you’ve got a new layer, select a sample of the clouds using the Clone Stamp Tool by pressing Option click.  Once you’ve got a sample to clone with, you will essentially be copying portions of the sky and clouds to cover up super nanny extraordinaire.  Here is a visual of what the process should look like.

004 Screaming Bald Headed Eagle

Son of a bitch, not again.  Sorry for the screaming bald-headed eagle Photoshoppers.  That’s my mistake, so just ignore.  We will get to you in a minute baldy, so shut your beak and give it a rest with all the screaming before I lasso that beak shut for good.  I already have enough of a pounding headache between Pantera and flying umbrella witches, and honest to God.

I have no idea why I do this crap to myself.  Making these Photoshop tutorials.  I never liked Photoshop in college to begin with, so here I am teaching Photoshop lessons on Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bangs.  I swear it’s like I lived another life and was sent back to teach Photoshop lessons as a punishment or something.  Well, just ignore the screaming bald-headed eagle, and let’s move on before I have another nervous breakdown and have to go see my doctor again.

005 Floppy Wearing Hat Umbrella Witch With A Cloud Face

So as you can see from the photo above, I replaced the rosy cheeked witch face with a cloud.  If you look closely, you can see that I sampled the cloud to the immediate left, and basically just cloned that cloud to cover up Poppins’ floppy hat wearing face, which if you ask me is an improvement.   No offense to any Marry Poppins fans out there.  All things aside, I’m sure she’s a terrific nanny.

So that’s what you’ll wanna do.  Keep taking samples of the sky and clouds near the area that you want to cover over, so it matches up pretty close.  Doesn’t have to be perfect, because most of it will be covered up with my Mom and her umbrella the size of Jupiter in the next step.

Step 4:  Superimposing My Mom And Her Umbrella The Size Of Jupiter

Welp, that’s it.  I hate to cut this short, but I’ve reached my limit and we’re only 5 minutes into this godforsaken thing.  There’s only so much of flying umbrella witches a person can take.  I’ve got some frisbee to go play, so here’s the deal.  Basically, I lassoed my Mom and her big ass umbrella and made a new layer.  I took that image, and imported it into the Poppins photo.

It’s gets complicated from there, so you know what.  If you want a futher lesson, then how about you dimwits give me a call.  I’ll come over, we’ll drink some whiskey, smoke a cigar, and Photoshop flying umbrella witches all night until the sun comes up.  It’ll be a great time.  And if you’re a nice lady and you want a lesson, it will be an even greater time, except for I’ll either be passed out drunk or probably just be puking in the bathroom after staring at floppy hat witches all day, so probably won’t be as great of a time on second thought.  But just call me or something, cause this is getting to be a real headache for me to keep typing it out like this.  Whatever I did in the past life musta been something major, that’s all I can figure.

I’m wrapping this nightmare Poppins witchfest up, and getting sloshed.

Here’s your Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  I added in a screaming bald-headed eagle, because I saw in a few photos that Mary Poppins likes birds.  Just for good measure, I added a wicked thunderstorm and a couple of fierce lightening bolts, cause I thought it looked pretty cool, and more like something that super nanny witches would probably be into.  I also gave my Mom a rosy cheeked witch face, so here you go.

006 Mary Poppins Flying Umbrella Witch Poster Final

Congratulations on making a Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster.  That concludes the tutorial for today.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop yourself into the previous life, and correct all the mistakes you’ve made using the Magic Eraser Tool found in the upper, left hand corner.  Can’t wait.

Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Yourself In a Pop Up Tent With A Ferocious Wolf

Well, I don’t know about you dimwits, but I like wolves.  Always have.  In elementary school, the teachers were always going around asking questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” I’d shrug my shoulders.  I don’t know, “Blue.”  “Whad’ya wanna to be when you grow up?”  Once again a shrug.  Never gave it much thought, being that I was 8 1/2 years old and all.   So I’d say, “A school teacher so one day I can ask awesome questions just like you.”   And then the teachers would finally get around to asking the real gritty, meaty questions.  “What’s your favorite animal?”  Without hesitation, I would confidently respond, “Wolf.”

So as you can see, ever since I was a little kid I always liked wolves.

001 The Dimwit In A Pop Up Tent With A Ferocious Wolf

Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  I know what you’re probably saying to yourself, “Man, that’s impossobile.  I can never learn to Photoshop myself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.”  Wrong.  You just gotta believe, and with the aid of this tutorial, you’ll be off and howling in no time.  To the moon we go.

Step 1:  Put On Some Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet”

Whenever I’m Photoshopping myself in pop up tents with ferocious wolves, it’s all about setting the right mood.  The sound of rainforest and pan flutes are always a nice background music to work with,  but it’s not quite wolfy enough for this lesson.  We need something that howls.  Something that screams and gets the blood pumping a little.  I’m talking Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” circa 1986, ladies and gentlemen.  Let’s get wild in the streets, shall we?  We definitely shall.

Step 2:  Lasso The Head Of A Smoking Hot Blond

002 The Dimwit With A Smoking Hot Blond In A Pop Up Tent

Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this tutorial.  As you can see, it’s me in the women’s changing room pop up tent with a smoking hot blond. While I have nothing against poking my head out of a pop up tent with a smoking hot blond, for this demonstration, we will be replacing her smiling face with a ferocious wolf.

If you’ve had a chance to read the sparkly vampire Twilight poster tutorial, then you’re aware that not only do I have a fondness for wolves, but I also have a deep appreciation for magnets.  So crank up some Jovi, whip your hair around like your all time favorite glam rocker, loosen up those neck muscles a bit, give a couple monster leg kicks, another hair whip or two, take a swig of water to stay hydrated, and go to the upper, left hand corner to select the Magnetic Lasso Tool, in that specific order.

003 Lasso The Head Of A Smoking Hot Blond

Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove.  Carefully make your selection of the smoking hot blond, then hit the delete button.  Boom shakalacka.  The smoking hot blond is no more and you should end up with a layer that looks like so.

004 What The Shit Is Bon Jovi Doing Here?

Hey, what the shit Jon Bon Jovi?  Well, sorry about that Photoshoppers.  Seems there’s a little cockblocking going on here, and somebody is having a little difficulty letting go of their glorious, glamorous, hair thrashing past.  Sorry Jon Bon Jovi, but you and your 7 foot tall, hair sprayed, lion’s mane need to go.  We have some more wolfing to do.

005 Get The Shit Out Of Here Jon Bon Jovi

Step 3:  Let’s Go Hunting For A Ferocious Wolf

So first things first.  We need a ferocious wolf.  I know just the place to go find one.  Do a Google search for “Ferocious Wolf” and select an image you like.  The more ferocious the better.  I would suggest choosing the wolf showing the most teeth to get the most of that ferocious look.  Here is the photo of the ferocious wolf that I have selected to use.

006 Ferocious Wolf

Step 4:  Lassoing The Head Of A Ferocious Wolf

Similar to how I lassoed the head of the smoking hot blond, I will be lassoing the head of the ferocious wolf.  Crank that mutha’ up about 10 decibles, give another whip of the hair, show that GD wolf who’s boss, and select the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner once again.

Carefully trace around the ferocious wolf head, and make a new isolated layer.  And no, Jon Bon Jovi, you’re not invited to the wolf head party.  You and your tight, leather pants and unbuttoned shirt need to stuff it somewhere in New Jersey.   Preferably in the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey, which shouldn’t be too hard to find since the entire state is a sewer.  No offense to anyone that lives in New Jersey.

Your ferocious wolf head isolated layer should look like something like this.

007 Isolated Layer Of The Ferocious Wolf Head

Step 4:  Blend The Ferocious Wolf Head In A Pop Up Tent

I’ll keep this brief.  Slippery When Wet clocks in at a mere 42:22, so we don’t have a whole lot of time for goofing.  Not when we’ve got some wolfing to do, so let’s finish this sonofabitch up.  So now that we got rid of the smoking hot blond, and have an isolated layer of the ferocious wolf head, it’s time to blend the two images.

And man, honest to God, these next 100 steps are so incredibly, freaking boring, and it’s probably the whole reason that I never went to my graphic design classes in college in the first place.  I”m just.  Do you ever regret things in your past?  Like, sit around and ever wonder how things would be any different today if you had made just a few different choices when you were younger?  If you would be living in a different state?  A different country, even?  Have a different career?  Maybe be with someone different, somebody at all?  If those few different choices would’ve made you wealthier, more successful? Happier?

Christ, Bon Jovi is giving me a pounding headache, so I’m gonna skip about the next 12 steps if that’s cool with you dimwits.   I knew I should’ve gone with White Snake, but it’s too late for that now.  We’re committed, so let’s wrap this up and send Jovi home packing.

So basically, I did some more lassoing, and traced the pop up tent so I could make a new layer, I added in a few slash marks to the pop up tent cause I thought it looked pretty cool and more ferocious, I added a layer mask and…

You know what.  I can’t even do it.  I can’t even pretend anymore.  Photoshop sucks the will to live right outta me.  Leaves me shriveled, dying, and makes me feel a little less of a human being every time I click on that smug looking PS logo.  Every time I see that bouncy ball opening up the program as if he’s excited, and knows that with each and every bounce, a little more of me dies inside.   I’m smashing this stereo.  Bon Jovi is really grinding my nerves.  Here’s your photo of the cockblocking, cock knocker Jon Bon Jovi, you dimwits.

008 The Bowels Of The Sewers Of New JerseyWelp, there you go.  Congratulations on making yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.  Hope it was as wonderful of an experience as it was for me.  Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop Jon Bon Jovi’s Olivia Newtwon-John  looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey.  Time for me to go howl at the moon with about a gallon of Jim Beam and a case of Milwalkees Best.