Look who’s back! Hello there, ladies. It’s been a busy few months, but I’m back on the market, looking for love in all the wrong places. Match.com just rejected my dating profile once again.
Whatever. It’s their loss and the dimwit’s gain. My first dating profile didn’t land me the big fish. I guess the ladies don’t like horses. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
I figured I’d give it another shot here on The Dimwit Diary. It’s time to make a love connection. Open up the floodgates, man the phones. Away we go.
Hello. My name is Chris. I enjoy laughing, engaging conversations, taking long nature walks, dining out, and reading about child sex predators. I also enjoy wearing turtlenecks to the movie theater. I’ve only been arrested once.
If I’m not reading about sociopaths or serial killers in the evenings, you can usually find me in the women’s section of K-Mart buying short shorts for roller skating parties. During the day, I’m either dancing naked with frogs or getting unicorn manicures. I’ve barely worked in the past 12 months, so my schedule is usually flexible. If you’d like to join me for a day or evening outing, send me a message, but be prepared to do a lot of walking, and I’d prefer you not to talk. It gives me a headache.
I had a rat tail for an entire year. I just got a haircut at Supercuts and the lady messed it all up because she was telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend. I have a thing for fanny packs and if I had a son, I’d like to name him Gaylord.
I have super sperm. I come from a very fertile family. I have 19 nieces and nephews and I’m one of 11 kids. We all have nicknames. We nicknamed my one sister “The Gootch.”
I’m a godfather and I’m part Italian. Sometimes I have a temper, and I even almost murdered my father once, but I got too drunk on whiskey and wine that night, so I couldn’t drive to his house to finish the deed. Thankfully, the police got things settled, and we have a good laugh about it when I write my father letters in prison.
I like to give hot oil massages and oink like a pig to keep things “fun” and “playful.” Sometimes I eat canned peaches for lunch. I also enjoy camping and ultimate frisbee.
I like to pretend that I’m a pirate and go to Pirate’s baseball games. I put the plastic sword in my teeth and bite down and carry on like a pirate. I started drinking whiskey when I was thirteen. My favorite color is hunter green.
I enjoy photography, eating soft pretzels, and playing the piano. I can make the water dripping noise just like Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. My favorite TV show is “How To Catch A Predator” or “Maury Popvich.” I enjoy the arts and making squirrel noises at squirrels.
One year, I took a 75 year old, chain smoking, severe alcoholic, Greek lady to the ballet. I didn’t care much for the ballet. I like balloons. I like to write my name in cursive writing when I pee in the snow. I make my own Christmas cards. My one brother studies Neuroscience. I like to snowshoe and I can juggle eggs, but sometimes I drop them.
I would love to meet up and we can maybe go to the Moose Lodge to watch my favorite wrestler Latin Assassin smash the Drunken Luchador’s face off the turnbuckle down at the local wrestling, or we could go to the Elks Lodge to listen to banjo night with all the old ladies and the old men. Your pick. Just say the word.
Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions. I forgot to tell you, I’m right handed. I look forward to hearing your reply. ARGHHHHH! Will you be my matey?
When you were considering murdering your father, were you going to murder him to death or just murder him a bit slightly?
To death! I was pretty livid, but alcohol saved my life and his.
Without a doubt, he would have been murdered to death, then the grave would have been danced on and all would have understood
I need a diaper, grin, and I cannot write cursive with my pee. You have talent!
Thanks my dear! Many years of practice. Many years.
I would totally message you with that kind of profile. Of course, I don’t have a match profile because a week of online dating was too much for me. I’m a creep magnet. I still like to look at online dating profiles when drunk though…some of the profiles are hilarious!
Chris, I was laughing my ass off at this whole thing. I guess I could see how, if taken out of context, those attributes of yours might be a turn off to some, but c’mon, there’s a lot of women out there who’d totally go for this. You should respond to this Hollie above. She said she would message you, gets drunk and is pretty if that’s her picture! Hollie, I like to get drunk and comment where my opinion isn’t wanted…lol. Ok, I’m off to the garage fridge. Thanks again for the laugh, Dimmy!
I get drunk and feel like my opinion needs to be shared as well! Cheers!
You sound like a delightful young man who be a good catch for anyone. It’s probably a just a computer glitch with Match.com. Don’t give up.
rejected again? totally don’t get it. that turtleneck is uber sexy and what’s wrong with the name gaylord? eh it all just means the lucky dimwitted lady right for you isn’t on that site and you’ll likely run into her elsewhere :) have you tried plenty of fish? could be more luck there. just a thought.
I’m older than dirt, already married, and therefore, off the market.
P.S. No, I am not a cougar, either.
(This post of yours reads like a movie script. LOL!)
I have just started online dating and would absolutely be intrigued by your profile! It would be a lot better than some of the illiterate losers who are on there. I just wish guys would read my profile rather than just look at the photos. Good luck Dimmy, I’m sure you will find your match!
I can only grin… this was cute! :)))
Thanks Granny! I hope it’s cool that I called you Granny. Granny Cool – it’s a song by the band Sugar. Check it!
I’m honored… that’s precious! I’m so glad to hear from you! :)))))))) That’s cool!
Dear Mr. Hinton,
That’s fabulous. If I wasn’t already married, a Canadian and therefore very very faraway I would totally date you.
I wish you could “Like” posts multiple times.
Thanks Sarah from Canada, eh! We woulda made a great match, but I’m glad to hear you snagged a husband. Cheers!
When you think about it, that’s got to be the right anrwes.
I think they rejected you b/c of the right handedness…
Well, we’ll see. I just submitted it again, but I switched it to lefty. Waiting for a response from Match to see what they think this time….
Um, can I just have that super sperm?
Sure! For you, anything. Just buy me dinner or something and we’ll call it even Steven. XOXO
slam.parosioun k kabbotar to atay jatay hain.achy parcoe khabi shak nahain kartay.wasay bhe indi hakomat ko khuch samgh layna chaheie jes mulk k kaboutar etnay advance houn us mulk k kabotar baaz kasay houn gay? wasay khuch arsa phely iran nain bhe zahedan say 1 jasos kabotar ko pakra tha.laiken aqlmandoun ke tarahan us par etna time zaie nahain kia tha kioun kah yeh kabotar tha koi koi kabotar baz to na tha.bas parosion (india) ke ezat es main hay kah apnay alfaz wapas lay kar tamam kabotrun say ezhar afsos karain warana kia pata aaj kabotar bahja kal aount(camel) na bhej dain geo pakistan Onجواب
I’m that old lady that posted earlier. Some of you sharp sticks clue me in:
This boy of ours is as smart as a whip, absolutely handsome, has a sense of humor, is adventurous and multi talented. What’s wrong with this picture? I’d be stalking him if I were 30 years younger, baking him apple pies over the campfire at the frog pond and asking him for photography lessons. I’d keep him supplied in turtlenecks and canned peaches.
You single ladies wake up!This is the Grand Prize. What the heck are you waiting for?they broke the mold on Dimmy.
Aw, shucks. Thanks Cowgirl! I don’t understand it either. Guess the ladies are scared of a wild Italian stallion or something. Such a shame, but I’ll try another profile again sometime.
Someone is out there right now, and they’re wondering, “Where is the man of my dreams?” … I know they are. I’ve gone through this scenario with both of my daughters. Neither dated in high school, and my oldest didn’t date until her second year of college. Her first boyfriend was a nice young man, but it simply didn’t work out. Third year in college and a fella asked her to a fireman’s ball (he majored in fire safety). She couldn’t figure out why he had any interest in her (girls are just as clueless as guys on this dating thing). Long story, short, they enjoyed their evening. This, the beginning of a beautiful flowering romance. Summer break comes, she is invited to California to meet his family. Returns home and her second week back he calls to tell her he thinks they need to take a break…date others, etc. This broke her heart and set her into a bit of depression. School resumes and so does the romance. Evidently he’d been encouraged by his mom to back off the relationship as she saw how serious they were about each other and she felt they needed to mature a bit. (I held no animosity towards this woman, she married young and sincerely wanted the best.) Damn, I’m long-winded.
Okay, school ends and these two are inseparable. Daughter heads to California to intern and begin work, boyfriend heads to Egypt for three weeks. Kids reunite and surprise the Dickens out of all the parental units. They are moving to Las Vegas! They are moving in together. My daughter forfeits her job opportunity in SFO, as boyfriend has been offered a job in Vegas.
Three years later they move to hubby’s little neck of the woods in Northern California. He begins his own business and my daughter finds work at a local winery. They marry and now I have the son I always wanted. :)
Second daughter? Dated two young men in her first and third years of college. Both broke her heart. She now is thoroughly convinced she’ll never find her soulmate. Swears she’ll never date again. I assure her that she will, but who wants to bring a date home to meet the parents AND since she is living here right now I’m sure she agrees. Lol
You’re going to find someone. It will happen when you least expect it. You’ll find yourself amazed and amused when you fall into it too. You have a lot going for you. You’re humerous as they come and a deep thinker, to boot, And then there is the sheer fact of how handsome you are… Which makes me wonder, are the girls up that way visually challenged? SERIOUSLY! Maybe you should change professions and become an optometrist?
Okay, Ralph is home from his voice lessons. We have to get the kids into their pj’s and retainers. Cowboy, you get yourself down to the DFW area one of these days and I’ll find a way to meet up with ya. I’m almost 61 and the real hubs is almost 64. In real life, I’m cross-eyed, just like Ralph. (I swear to god, you have got to make him a regular part of the sideshow. He’s a winner!)
ah the super sperm! major selling point captain! hope you catch yourself some sweetheart mighty soon!
Why on Earth would they reject such a solid profile like that? This is poppycock, good sir! I say you should write them a huffy email, and give them a what for!
i have the perfect girl for you to meet. let me know next time you’re in nebraska. she has a unicorn costume and everything…
Say wha wha WHAT?! Could it be? A match? Hook a dimwit up. I can already imagine the wedding we would throw, unicorn cake and rainbow backdrop. Glitter and sparkles decorating the tables. A boy can dream. A boy can dream.
You know what they say about dreams…they are just wishes until you make a plan!
Most of Salt Lake county is Yellow, but since you are hhgier up and get the first snow and last snow, I would say go Green! Emily
Hilarious post Chris. Hope it gets you some. Can you post why you were rejected? I didn’t know people could be rejected!
poor you! you sound like a real catch
I know, right?! Life is just unfair sometimes.
You just have to move to Europe and you’ll get snapped up right away :)
And you’re still single? Shocker…
(I’d marry you myself except I just couldn’t be with someone whose favorite color is hunter green. And the whole bigamy thing.)
What a bloody shame. Hunter green is a nice color. It’s soothing. Much respect for not giving into the whole bigamy thing, however. Well, I’ll keep trying. I’ve got plenty more profiles to try out. Cheers!
What a great website! I just want to make sure I’m riedang the chart correctly so I sign up for the right color. I am in Greenville/Spartanburg area of SC. I believe I am in the Green which would be May 6th??
I’m particularly intrigued by the unicorn manicures, roller skating parties and soft pretzels. If I lived within 50 miles of Pittsburgh, I’d definitely watch some banjo with you.
Snap! Well, perhaps they have banjo night out your way. And perhaps during my next travels, I could make a pitt stop. Hope you’re well darling!
OMG…I checked out Match…It was like the FBI’s Most Wanted List!!!!
HA! That bad, huh? Maybe it’s good that I got rejected. I’m trying Craig’s List. I’ll keep you posted how it goes…
:D if you can’t find your matey here, I believe the frog princess is still waiting for you in the woods. By the way, why don’t you try other dating sites? just being curious. :)
You had me at “turtleneck”…..
Sold for one turtleneck! Pleased to meet your acquaintances, Mrs. Hinton. Let’s snuggle.
Wow! You just took care of a huge part of my to do list for gardening. This is my first year and I’m very exetcid! This is wonderful! Thanks!Can’t wait for the fall schedule!
I will be your matey in Holland. Is that fine by you?
Okay, I’m already married, too old and I smoke, but I’ll be your matey… ;) (but I do drink, alcohol… hahahaha!!!)
Hi there Holland! Smoking is fine. Drinking is even better! The married thing is a bummer. No, kidding. That’s awesome. Say, I think I sent you my email in another comment, but if you don’t mind, shoot me a quick message. I’m putting together a list for my “Dining With Dimwits” and I would be elated if you’d be a part of the grand tour. If you’re not interested, no worries. Just thought i’d put it out there.
My email: firstname.lastname@example.org
I joined Match, too. At the end of my very last attempt to find my own true love he got arrested. Seriously. And I got lectured by a uber cute young policeman about Internet dating.
He looked good on paper, but not as good as you. If I weren’t Canadian I’d date you. We’re not allowed to date non Canadians unless they are into hockey. Yay Chicago! (As if anyone knows what that means)
I cannot for the life of me put my finger on why they would have rejected you…of course, I may just not have enough fingers…
I have attempted internet dating once, and it was a spectacular failure. I apparently cannot tell from photographs and online communication whether or not I’ll be attracted to someone; this can only be assessed in person. As you can imagine, this led to some interesting first-date stories.
Best of luck in your search for a soul-matey.
Thanks! I’m a hot mess, so the search ain’t going so well. But hey, I’m having fun stumbling and bumbling along the way. Those do make for the most interesting stories. Good luck with your search as well.
I thought you were croakin’ for… I mean, spoken for… with frogs.
Yes, you ARE back, with a sharper, more real edge after bravely going where most could not. Bravo! And to come back with lasers! They compliment your turtleneck. You totally lost me at fannypack though… I will not go THERE, Sir. Not even in a humorous way…. Thanks for the laugh!
My favorite yet. Hilarious.
Thank you, dear!
I love love love this! I had a 23 year old beg me to be his cougar on match. Yeah…not even kidding! Well one thing is for sure…you would have stood out in the crowd :)
That’s hilarious! I hang out with the cougars sometimes. Mostly they just invite me to cookie exchange parties with all the other housewives and divorcees, and we have a blast. Good luck with your search!
Well damn…if only you were married… and a lefty… you’d be just my type. ;-)
HA! Nicely played. :)
YOU with your X’s and O’s, quirky humor and macaw beak.
I’ve nominated you for a WordPress award. Collect it below:
So I’m just now responding to this. Do I also get nominated for the slacker award? Thanks for the nomination! Better throw in a few extras for ya: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I can’t stop laughing. It just goes on and on, and every ridiculous word is completely true. Dear lord I hope you actually have this profile live somewhere. Pure gold.
Haha! That sure made me laugh :) Reminds me of the song by Right Said Fred ” You are my mate and i will stand by you…” :D
Right Said Fred! That’s a band name I haven’t heard in a while. Well, minus the dance routine I’ve been working on to “I’m Too Sexy.” :)
At last! Someone with real exisrtpee gives us the answer. Thanks!
:P No expertise :(
You had me laughing like a crazy woman.. In a good way! Thank you!
You’re welcome! Crazy woman.
I almost died laughing while reading the profile at ‘turtlenecks’ and ‘super sperm’. I really do I hope you publish this on a live dating site, incredibly funny. :)
Thanks, I tried! Match always rejects my profiles. Maybe I outta try Plenty of Fish and see what they think?
Such a shame. No worries man, you’re a catch. Match.com just doesn’t know what they are missing.
Thanks for the laugh. I needed it. :)
You’re welcome! If you need more, come on back anytime. This dimwit is usually good for a few. :)
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Hunter green is actually one of my favourite colours. However, I met my boyfriend on Match. He’s now my husband.
Maybe you could use your rejections as part of a new pick-up line in real life? Although, it might have the opposite effect. ;)
Good luck in your search!
Thanks! Very cool you met your husband on Match! And don’t worry, I have all sorts of pick up lines in real life. Probably the reason I’m still single at 35. Guess it takes a while to fine tune them :)
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