Photoshop Lessons – How to Photoshop Your Crazy Drunk Aunt into a Katy Perry Firework Poster

Welp, Photoshoppers.  It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these godforsaken things.  I’m a little rusty.  Nothing that a fifth of Jack and a case of Bud can’t cure.  I already have a pounding headache.  Let’s just get it over with.  Happy fourth of freaking July.

001 4th of July

Fourth of July is coming up in the lovely U S of A.  I’ll be getting together with family.  Joy of all joys.  I can’t wait for all my nieces and nephews to punch me in the balls and tell me a million times to look at this.  Awesome.  Congratulations, you did a handstand.  Tell me to look at this when you find the cure for cancer.  Why don’t you go look in the cooler and grab your uncle a cold beer.  I swear, it’s like this all day with those kids.  It’s like listening to a broken record.

For today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to turn your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Let’s go ahead and begin today’s lesson, shall we?  I guess we shall.

Step 1:  Buy A Boatload of Fireworks

I don’t have money for whiskey and beer.  I’m broke, and I don’t feel like hanging out with my father in the prison showers, so I can’t go looting the liquor store for whiskey.  I gotta do this one sober unfortunately.  It’s time for some Photoshop inspiration Katy Perry “Firework” style.

The big fireworks are illegal to purchase in the state of Pennsylvania, so I have a friend that sells them out of his trunk.  I asked him to do me a solid and he gave me a Roman candle, a 100 shot Saturn missile, a 200 shot mortar tube, and a stick of dynamite for free.   I set them all off in my neighbor’s yard late last night since their dogs wake me up every single morning at 5:35 AM.  Fireworks exploded everywhere and It rained ash all over their house.  It was very inspiring.  Let’s continue with this firework fiasco.

Step 2:  Lasso Your Crazy Drunk Aunt

DSC_0036

Above is the original, untouched photo of my crazy drunk aunt at the family picnic over Labor Day.  Aunt Ruthie likes to get drunk and bawl her eyes out over absolutely nothing, and then she’ll squeeze my cheeks as hard as possible.  I’m 35 years old.  The cheek squeezing shoulda ended 30 years ago.  Aunt Ruthie will make a perfect volunteer for our Katy Perry firework demonstration.  If you don’t have a crazy drunk aunt, then just use a photo of your crazy meth addict cousin.

I’m not gonna spend too much time teaching you about lassoing.  I already covered that in previous lessons, so if you don’t have it down by now, then you’re hopeless and you should just get a job at the gas station selling cigarettes.

Below is the isolated lassoed layer of my crazy drunk aunt that I’ll be working with.  Her hair is too damn big and messy.  I woulda had to lasso all day, so it’s good enough.

003 4th of July

Step 3:  Insert Big Ass Fireworks Into The Background

Now that I have the isolated layer of my crazy drunk aunt, I’m going to insert a photo of some big ass fireworks.  Do a Google search, and steal whatever photo you like best.  The more explosions and raining ash the better.  Make the fireworks really go boom to get that full Katy Perry effect.

Firework Go Boom

Step 4:  Select A Really Cool Font 

I’m at my wit’s end.  Honest to God, these things are like torture.  I gotta wrap this sonofabitch up before I lose my mind and have to marry a frog.  There’s at least a dozen steps that I’m skipping.  At least a dozen, but just go to the Character tool box, and start messing around with fonts.  Pick a really swirly font.  That’s what Katy Perry would want in the way of fonts.  The swirlier the better.

After you select the swirly font, then go to the Styles tool box.  Start messing around with that crap, too.  Think fireworks.  Think big and rocketing and fireworks exploding in the air raining down ash on your barking dog neighbor’s house.

Select a style with a bright color and a wicked beveled edge.  People go nuts for beveled edged fonts.  Your friends will bow down in mighty awe at your creation.  They’ll surely buy you a sauerkraut hotdog and a Coca Cola to wash it down with at the fireworks display.  Fourth of July is the worst.

Here’s the finished poster of my crazy drunk aunt.  I picked out a swirly font with a star crossing the “i” and turned her hair bright purple cause I thought it looked more Katy Perry like.  I also added in the word “firework” to really sell home the point.  I replaced the plastic fork with a stick of dynamite.  Here’s your damn poster.   I gotta get out of here.004 Crazy Drunk Aunt Katy Perry Firework Poster

Congratulations on making your crazy drunk aunt into a Katy Perry firework poster.  Join me next time as I teach you how to Photoshop my nieces and nephews doing handstands in the sound proofed locked basement while I enjoy a beer in peace.   Happy 4th of July, you dimwits.  Boom.

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Rejected Match.com Dating Profile – – – – – – – -> Will You Be My Matey?

Look who’s back!  Hello there, ladies.  It’s been a busy few months, but I’m back on the market, looking for love in all the wrong places.  Match.com just rejected my dating profile once again.

 SUBMISSION REJECTED.

Whatever.  It’s their loss and the dimwit’s gain.   My first dating profile didn’t land me the big fish.  I guess the ladies don’t like horses.  If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

I figured I’d give it another shot here on The Dimwit Diary.    It’s time to make a love connection.  Open up the floodgates, man the phones.  Away we go.

002 Rejected Match Dot Com Profile

Hello.  My name is Chris.  I enjoy laughing,  engaging conversations, taking long nature walks, dining out, and reading about child sex predators.  I also enjoy wearing turtlenecks to the movie theater.  I’ve only been arrested once.

If I’m not reading about sociopaths or serial killers in the evenings, you can usually find me in the women’s section of K-Mart buying short shorts for roller skating parties.  During the day, I’m either dancing naked with frogs or getting unicorn manicures.  I’ve barely worked in the past 12 months, so my schedule is usually flexible.  If you’d like to join me for a day or evening outing, send me a message, but be prepared to do a lot of walking, and I’d prefer you not to talk.  It gives me a headache.

I had a rat tail for an entire year.  I just got a haircut at Supercuts and the lady messed it all up because she was telling me all about how she broke up with her boyfriend.  I have a thing for fanny packs and if I had a son, I’d like to name him Gaylord.

I have super sperm.  I come from a very fertile family.  I have 19 nieces and nephews and I’m one of 11 kids.  We all have nicknames.  We nicknamed my one sister “The Gootch.”

I’m a godfather and I’m part Italian.  Sometimes I have a temper, and I even almost murdered my father once, but I got too drunk on whiskey and wine that night, so I couldn’t drive to his house to finish the deed.  Thankfully, the police got things settled, and we have a good laugh about it when I write my father letters in prison.

I like to give hot oil massages and oink like a pig to keep things “fun” and “playful.”  Sometimes I eat canned peaches for lunch.  I also enjoy camping and ultimate frisbee.

I like to pretend that I’m a pirate and go to Pirate’s baseball games.  I put the plastic sword in my teeth and bite down and carry on like a pirate.  I started drinking whiskey when I was thirteen.  My favorite color is hunter green.

I enjoy photography, eating soft pretzels, and playing the piano.   I can make the water dripping noise just like Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.   My favorite TV show is “How To Catch A Predator” or “Maury Popvich.”  I enjoy the arts and making squirrel noises at squirrels.

One year, I took a 75 year old, chain smoking, severe alcoholic, Greek lady to the ballet.  I didn’t care much for the ballet.  I like balloons.  I like to write my name in cursive writing when I pee in the snow.  I make my own Christmas cards.  My one brother studies Neuroscience.  I like to snowshoe and I can juggle eggs, but sometimes I drop them.

I would love to meet up and we can maybe go to the Moose Lodge to watch my favorite wrestler Latin Assassin smash the Drunken Luchador’s face off the turnbuckle down at the local wrestling, or we could go to the Elks Lodge to listen to banjo night with all the old ladies and the old men.  Your pick.  Just say the word.

Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions.  I forgot to tell you, I’m right handed.  I look forward to hearing your reply.  ARGHHHHH!  Will you be my matey?