Check it you dimwits. So before I got sucked into this vortex otherwise commonly referred to as WordPress, I had another outlet to post my madness. The other place was this social network site you mighta heard of called Facebook.
I still have a Facebook, but I’m not on it much anymore. I had to retire, and by retire, I mean that I pretty much had to give myself the boot because I would get drunk and start posting all of these rants regarding politics, gay rights, gun control, and environmental concerns. And well, drunks and Facebook are not a very good combination.
It was getting ugly, so I had to take all of my deep, philosophical rants over to the comments section of YouTube. YouTube is the perfect place to engage in 500 character or less heated debates. Somewhere buried in the comments section of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video are some of the Dimwit’s most brilliant and ingenious thoughts ever recorded. I should probably dig ’em up and take home the Nobel Peace Prize, but no time for that. Instead, I wanted to dig up a few Facebook odds & ends that I’ve posted over the years and share them with my fellow dimwits.
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1. Jury Duty Summons
I just opened a stack of mail from last month and discovered a summons to appear in court tomorrow morning for jury duty selection. I want to make a good first impression with the court folks, but I’m not sure which outfit to wear. Help guys! I’m so bad with this stuff. Which outfit would you recommend that I wear tomorrow for jury duty selection?
2. Happy Groundhog’s Day
Happy Groundhog’s Day! Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow and you know what that means? It will soon be Spring. And you know what that means? The rainy season will soon be upon us. And you know what that means? It’s time to get fully clothed, go down to the boat pond, and lay the hottest, most passionate rainy-wet-clothed kiss on your lover that anyone’s ever seen.
C’mon, who’s ever done that? Making out in the rain. I did it once, but it was only by accident because I thought it was just a heat lightening storm passing by, but no, it turned out to be an actual rain storm. Anyways, way to go Phil. Bring on the early Spring.
3. Supah Ninjas Audition
* This was a post I left on my friend’s wall. She’s a casting director in Pittsburgh. She sent out an audition notice looking for actors for a Nickelodeon action-comedy superheroes TV series that she was working on called “Supah Ninjas.”
Above you’ll find my Supah Ninjas headshot for consideration. I have 4 years Parkour experience, 1 year of Zumba training, 8 years of competing in medieval jousting with my friends at Schenley Park, and I’ve watched all three Matrix movies as well as all of the Star War movies. I believe that I am more than qualified for the part and can’t wait to show off my stuff at the audition. Don’t blink. If you do, you are going to miss the audition of a lifetime. Karate chop!!!
4. Birthday Card To My Mom
Happy birthday to the World’s 2nd greatest Mom!!! Sorry, you would’ve been 1st, but the tanning bed lady beat you out by just a smidge. Thank you for all that you do for the family and for so many. Love you!
5. Driver’s License Renewal Photo
So I go to get my driver’s license renewed, right? I take my number and wait with the rest of the photo ID posse. Surprisingly, the line’s moving quickly. That is until the guy in front of me takes his turn. He sits in the chair. Click. He reviews the photo on the computer monitor and decides that he wants to get a redo. No big deal. We’ve all taken a bad photo before and I can certainly appreciate the fact that he wants to have a stellar looking driver’s license photo ID. My previous one was out of this world and it often garnered me a lot of praise when I got pulled over by the police.
So the guy straightens up and smiles for another photo. Click. Again, he decides it’s not his best work, and he would like another redo. This happens two more times. I’m staring at the guy, and he’s not even that good looking. But even if he was, when was the last time you’ve heard of someone launching their Ford modeling career with a Pennsylvania driver’s license? Never. You’ve never heard of that. That is until now.
I tell Brad Pitt to step aside, I’m about to show him how it’s done. I channel my inner model self and totally blow this driver’s license photo shoot out of the water. I mean, even the dude taking the photo looks at me and gives me a nod. He doesn’t even bother asking me if I want to accept the photo. It’s completely understood. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your eyes…
Should they ever film a remake of the original Jazz Singer, let your casting director friend know that Tanning Mom does a mean Al Jolson.
Duly noted! That’s great to know. In the midst of the madness when my friend is trying to cast 500 extras for a scene, I like to pass along tidbits of knowledge like this.
All I can come up with today is BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. comedy fest up in here. Your great Dimmy :D
Thanks darling! You’re great too. Alls I can come up with today is BOOYAH.
If there’s one fact that has preserved any chance I might have at something approaching a career, it’s that Facebook and cheap webcams didn’t exist the last time I was drunk. By the way, I think the costume on the right is sure to get you out of jury duty, and you might win a free trip to Cuba. Bring bring some cigars?
Oh man, I don’t envy the kids nowadays. There woulda been so many photos of my wiener floating around via text and the internet back in the day. It’s a good thing the interwebs and cell phones weren’t really prevalent back then. Thanks for the vote. I went with a #2 & #3 combo, and managed to escape jury duty somehow. I was kinda looking forward to being a jury member. Next time…
I vote photo on the right! Bahaha!
Noted! If you can believe it, I wasn’t selected.
Hahahahahaha!!! We can’t even smile when we have our picture taken for our driving license or passport. This one is much better!!! ;) It shows the real you! Hahahaha!!!
What?! Can’t smile? That’s a shame. I get all dressed up, sport a mustache, and have a ball with it. It’s a little embarrassing sometimes, say for when I have to show my photo ID when I get a new job and that’s the first photo they see. Keeps it interesting.
I think I will have to move then. Away from Holland where we can’t smile in photos… There are too many rules for the photos on ID and such stuff…
It’s quite difficult knowing you can’t smile when you photo is taken. You just have to smile at the thought you can’t. Takes a few photos, but then you have the best boring picture even taken…
A) I just spent hours scouring Beyonce videos. No sign of your comments, but I now have more moves than jagger. Which isnt sahing much any more.
B) with a face like that, you can keep your organs. Thanks for the thought tho
Ha! They’re in there somewhere. If not Beyonce than a Rick Astley video or somewhere. I leave a trail wherever I go it seems. As far as the organs, I suppose my liver won’t be worth much, but I have gorgeous eyes and really nice calf muscles. You might reconsider.
Do those calves have any slam dunks in them? If so, put me on the list!
Back in the day! Although, I think the slam dunks were more a product of my unusually long monkey arms, so you can have those too.
So sad you’re not on FB anymore. We could’ve had it all, rolling in the deep….
In related news, tanning bed mom is my aunt. She’ll be so happy you consider her to be the best mom ever!
Does your aunt live in New Jersey? Tell her I’m just a stone’s throw away if she ever wants to meet up for 3 hour relaxing tanning session followed by a evening out at the truck pulls. That actually sounds nice now that I think about it. Well, the FB and I just needed a long break. A separation until we could get things sorted out. Maybe I’ll hop back on it and torture my friends again some day.
LOL. This made me smile on a Wednesday morning. Favourite post Drivers License Renewal Photo: Not sure what the stellar one before it could have possibly looked like, but that is truly out of this world!
Thanks! The one before was just me with a goofy grin, messy hair, nerdy glasses, and a porn stache. I take great driver’s license photos according to the police.
I’m just so proud to call you my son! And, when I see those lovely photos…..busting my buttons with pride!!!
PS This photo ID one actually had me laughing out loud. The girls at the office thought I finally flew over the cuckoos nest!
It’s not too far off from my real one. I have a ridiculous mustache. And then there’s my passport photo. It’s so ridiculous that when I travel abroad, they think that it’s a different person and I have to assure them that it’s me. Pretty awesome. You must be proud!
i think behr paint (behr.com) has something like that, but i blveeie there is a $5 fee i’ve not used it, but i have looked at colors on the website before. also you can pick up the paint booklets/chips at home depot (from behr) and the booklets has complimentary colors and shows the paint in different rooms.i personally like the behr paint (semi gloss) because its wonderful for being able to clean it especially with kids and crayons, markers, finger paints, etc. it is a little costlier than most paints, but it covers great and last great also if you use the behr paint and there is something wrong with the paint itself a behr representative will come out and paint your walls for you (there has to be something
Don’t leave us hanging, Chris. Did you make the short list for “Supah Ninjas”?!
I missed the cut. I couldn’t believe it. They cast George Takei for a role, but I didn’t make the cut?! Something is wrong with this picture. But I’ve applied for many other roles since, every time my casting director friend puts out an audition call. I’ll make it one of these times.
Nice drivers license picture! That is Glamour Shot-level good. Have you ever seen any male Glamour Shots? They are the best.
Thanks Sarah! I haven’t seen the male Glamour Shots, but I’ve seen a lot of the female Glamour Shots. Let’s just say it provided good resource for the Dimwit to make turn his female friends into glamour goddesses. I’ll have to dig those up someday too.
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So Punxsutawney Phil got to you this week too, eh? I hope your friend took brought you in for “Supah Ninjas”. That was an audition notice that you really can’t walk away from.
No, I missed the cut. Dangit. But if at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Which I’ve done every single time my casting director friend puts out an audition notice.
Can bloggers nominate people for the Nobel Peace prize? because I would…most definitely. I’d toss in a crackerjacks, too. :)
Ooh, I love crackerjacks! If crackerjacks are involved, I’ll have to rethink this whole Nobel Peace prize thing and give it a go. Thanks for the nod and for the Facebook post. I just bought some Franzia boxed wine for this weekend, so I temporarily deactivated account in anticipation of a few unruly evenings coming up. That’s the Nobel Peace prize thinker in me…always thinking ahead of how best to keep the peace. :)
and ha! i just posted you to facebook. You can’t escape the grumpy Gene Wilder Most Exciting-ness…
5 HOURS GONE …BUT NOT FORGOTTEN <3
Ha ha. Supah Ninjas!
Use your Supah Ninjas’ costume for Jury Duty and I think you’ll be back at work in no time.
Pictures of tan mom makes my stomach turn. I bet she smells like burnt hotdogs. Good luck if you get a date with her. Take her to the Jersey City White Castle. It’s a really classy place.
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