It’s Memorial Day. I should be out eating a juicy hamburger off the grill or relaxing by a river somewhere, which I still might end up doing depending on where the day leads me, but I had to get chapter 2 of my life book written up for my future adopted son. Share a few things that were on the Dimwit’s mind while things are nice and quiet.
For those that haven’t read chapter one yet, my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child. The adoption agency asked her to put together a life book, which is essentially an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).
Since my former room mate is a single, she asked me if I would spend some time with the little tike to fill in the role as a male figure whenever I’m available. Of course I agreed to this arrangement. Even though it wasn’t required, I went ahead and started putting together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well. This one’s for you, Junior, from your soon-to-be new daddy!
Here’s your Pops hanging out at the Moose Lodge with his favorite local wrestler, the Latin Assassin! Son of a gun just finished up a tough match fighting his arch nemesis, the Drunken Luchador, but he came out victorious in the end. I met up with him after the match and he let me wear his champion belt and everything!
I can’t wait to take you to the Moose Lodge so you can meet him for yourself. Hope you aren’t squeamish of a little blood and don’t mind watching guys bash each other’s heads with metal chairs. It can get a little rough from time to time, but it makes for an entertaining evening.
Check it out, Junior!! It’s some of your crazy aunts and your Gram hanging out with your Dad! The family was going through a rough spell at the time, so I took the ladies out to get a manicure to get their minds off of things – treat them nice and spoil them rotten.
I’m gonna teach you how to treat a lady and how to rally around the family when times are tough. Family and friends are the most important thing you’ve got in life. I’m gonna take good care of you too, so don’t worry. Maybe we’ll even take the gals out for a manicure again sometime and both get our nails painted just like daddy’s nails below!!!
The pink breast cancer awareness ribbon turned out pretty nice, huh?
Get used to seeing this face, son!!! Sorry it’s covered up by the big umbrella. Daddy took a crappy photo, but I wanted to introduce you to my best friend, Greg. Like I was saying, family and friends are the most important thing in life. This guy helped Pops get through some tough times and vice versa. We hang out a good bit, so you’ll probably run into him at some point down the road.
Greg or Mom will probably have to teach you the real manly man stuff. I’m not much into things like guns and punching people in the face, but here’s me with this really rich guy I met. He invited me to go on a quail hunting expedition!!
I met him on one of the movies I was working on. We just sorta connected. He’s into pointer dogs and quail hunting so he asked daddy if I’d like to tag along one afternoon. I couldn’t pass up on that one!!! Life is short son, so see as much of the world as you can, even if you might not like wearing funny orange hats and shooting quail with shotguns.
This is more your daddy’s speed. Playing the piano blindfolded! I quit taking piano lessons back when I was 11 or 12, when one of your uncles started calling me Liberace. Brothers can be mean to one another sometimes. What I didn’t know later in life was that the ladies go nuts over a piano player!!! Keep that one in mind for the future.
I had a real good drunken night with one of the actresses on a film I was working on several years ago. Played the piano with her up on the 17th floor of the hotel she was staying at, until the hotel staff came up to tell us to be quiet because some of the hotel guests were complaining that we were being too loud at 3 AM!!! Phooey on them.
I shoulda stuck with it more, but I can still get around a piano pretty good. I’ll teach you how to play sometime. Playing an instrument is a lot of fun. Everyone should at least try it.
Here’s your daddy reading a book to a few of your cousins. I like reading children’s books. I’ll read some to you, but I’ll just warn you ahead of time. I don’t like to stick to the words in a book and I make up my own stories. They can get pretty wild – stories of kids getting trapped in a well or something like that – but I try to give them a happy ending so the kids don’t stay up all night with nightmares. I think you’ll like daddy’s stories. Your cousins seem to enjoy them.
Here’s your daddy at a Pirates game!!! The Pirates stink. They’re the most miserable team in all of baseball, but it’s still a nice ballpark to hang out at for a few hours. Sometimes I’ll get all dressed up for the game wearing yellow outfits or I’ll dress up like a pirate. I don’t really get into baseball all that much, but it’s fun to just sit around with thousands of other people, get a little tipsy, cheer for the home team, and take in the tastes, sights and sounds of the ballpark. I’ll take you sometime but you can’t drink any beer with me until you’re of age. Mom would kill me!!!
I saved this one for last, Junior. It’s another important one. This nice black gentleman isn’t one of your cousins or your uncles. He’s a homeless person. Your daddy likes to walk around the streets at night sometimes and take photos of the city. I end up running into homeless people a lot just because of the dark alleys and the dark places I visit when I’m roaming the streets.
I ran into this nice guy and a few other homeless people a few years back. There was a barbecue festival going on not far from the bench where I met them. You could smell the ribs and all the food wafting through the air, so I told the others to sit tight. Took the black guy with me. I took him to the barbecue festival and told him pick out whatever food him and his buddies wanted. PILES OF FOOD. Ribs, corn on the cob, steak, potatoes. You name it!!! We loaded them up into containers and we took the food back to the other homeless people sitting on the bench.
Shoulda seen their faces light up like a full moon on that night!!! I like to do things like that. Some people say things to your Dad like, “You’re a bad person.” “You drink and carry on too much.” “You’re going to hell.” But I don’t listen to them for the most part. They don’t know the places that I’ve been just the same as they don’t know the place that I’m going when I die. Those people who like to point fingers are called hypocrites. When you encounter a hypocrite, you listen to them politely and just smile and shake your head. Don’t mouth off too much unless they continue to challenge you, then you can answer them however you see fit. Most the times they shut up when they meet a person who has a lot of knowledge and can challenge them right back.
I’m gonna teach you how to be a good person, son. I might even take you sometime when daddy goes and feeds the homeless. I gotta wait until you’re older, cause it’s dangerous traveling dark alleys at night by yourself. I gotta wait until you can run fast, because one night, your daddy might get himself into deep trouble with the homeless folks. He might get hurt and need you to run off to get him some help. Don’t tell Mom this one, either. I don’t want her worrying about me and you, but I gotta teach you about all the parts of life. The pretty and the gritty, so that one day you have a shot at turning out to be a nice young man. We’ll ease into it. You’re still a kid, so I want to give you a chance to stay that way for a while. These are things we’ll revisit when the time is right.
All right, son. I’ll send you more photos and stories down the road so you can get to know more about your Dad. I have a bunch of them. I’ve been to a lot of places, some good and some bad. Right now I’m headed to a secret spot of mine by the river to sit and relax. One day I’ll take you there, too. It’s peaceful and nobody’s around to point fingers.
awww, you can’t fool me anymore. You aren’t a dimwit. YOU’VE GIVEN YOURSELF AWAY!! No dimwit would feed homeless people or take people for manicures or entertain bored actresses with blindfold piano playing or read to children OR cheer for the Pirates-that takes a lot of heart and empathy, I know cuz I’m a fan of loser teams as well. YOU are busted buddy!
On the other hand, you shot perfectly innocent quails in a beery fit of intoxication just to get in good with a rich guy. And your friend hidden behind the umbrella? Could it be someone like…I don’t know…Karl Rove?! Rush Limbaugh? Kim Jong Il?! Well played, well played my good man…
Ha! Only a dimwit in the sense that I squander away my talents and money time and time again. At least some of it is going to feed the homeless. And supporting the lowly Pirates! I can’t tell you who the man is behind the umbrella, but you’re on the right track with Kim Jong II. Or not??!
Oh. Well if it’s down to talent and money…there are plenty of dimwits out this way. And Raiders fans.
Having a chump baseball team nearby certainly makes you appreciate any kind of dollar night they have a lot more (I’m stuck with the Royals, it’s not much better). Go hot dogs!
Oh no! The Royals. I feel your pain for sure, but the few Pirate games I’ve been to have been a lot of fun. Beer helps ;)
Nice job, Dimmy. You’ll make a fine pseudo-dad.
Thanks Don! I wonder who will have to bail out who from jail? Based on my track record, probably will be Junior bailing out Dad, but it’ll make for another nice life lesson.
That was an amazing blend of comedy and beauty and belief in the human spirit! I totally enjoyed it. Thanks for writing.
Hey, and thanks for reading! I enjoyed your comment :)
ditto from the citizen
Oh my goodness! I nearly died of laughter. I think I may have to take you up on being in your life book.. This is epic!
So are you leaning more towards the Macarena or riding horses with the wind blowing through our hair? I’m up for either :) I’d love to have you in the life book. Thanks!
I think riding horses with the wind blowing in my hair :)
Done and done! We’ll have a blast Krista. Private beach, riding horses, wind blowing through our hair, followed by a picnic, some wine, and a 10 minute Phil Collins drum solo to wrap up the evening. It would be something. We’ll make it so one of these days.
Consider my heart (and probably the hearts of all your readers) warmed. That was awesome.
I foresee more marriage proposals coming your way after this one!
You think so?? I don’t know. I’m one of those what you call “Projects.” I would require a lot of work, but it sure would be interesting for anyone willing to stick it out! Thanks Becky.
You are really a lovely person, unless all this was made up and photoshopped, then I must say Shame On You on Memorial day… :)
I guess I am a little like the boy who cried wolf. However, all these stories and photos are true. The longer versions are even more wild and heart warming, so you’ll just have to wait until the book comes out ;) Thanks, you’re quite the lovely person too if I do say so. And I just did!
You are quite the mix! Chapter Two of your Life Book packed a whoe lot of “you” into it!!! Love this! And, love you!
PS I’m predicting some more proposals, too! I guess that means more piano playing on the Incline Plane!
Yes, yes. I have a few more good piano stories. Playing Radiohead and John Lennon with you-know-who at her apartment in LA. Shhh, don’t spill the beans. That one’s for the book. Love you too.
Dude. Taking care of the homeless like that…I wish I had the ballz to step it up and be real like that. Glad I found your blog. I am enriched by it.
Good to hear from you Noah. I went through this whole insomniac phase a few years back and went roaming the streets a lot late at night. inadvertently, I would end up meeting all of these homeless people along the way. Not always, but sometimes I would do things like this. But I don’t recommend it necessarily. It can be dangerous. You could volunteer at a homeless shelter and hand out food during the day. I’ve done that before and it’s just as rewarding and the chance of getting stabbed by a strung out homeless person is significantly reduced :) Cheers.
Solid advice. I generally avoid opportunities to be stabbed.
you are such a fur ball. cute and comfy. Any son would be proud to have you as a dad. wanna give it a try and babysit my kids for a week? :D
Sure! I’ll have your kids field the calls from the bill collectors and bleach the shower to get rid of the mold. Nah, I’m actually pretty good with kids. I would treat ’em nice for such a nice person as yourself :)
Pirates baseball leads to Primanti Brothers, which leads to IC Light, and that always leads to a good time. Go Bucs!
That’s the holy trifecta. Primanti’s, IC Light, and PNC Park. The Bucs are looking really good so far this season. Let the midseason meltdown begin!
Going to put this arlctie to good use now.
In high school I went with my church to NYC for this U.N. Study tour program to learn about the homeless. What was most life changing was working in soup kitchens around the city. I discovered that many folks were veterans and most were stationed in N.C. (my home state)
for a time. But one woman had a huge impact on me. My job was refilling sugar bowls
around the dining area and I made the mistake of reaching over a woman’s shoulder to get the sugar bowl. She immediately grabbed my arm and said, “Didn’t your mama teach you manners. I am not invisible.” And she was right, because I had seen homeless folks without “seeing” them. She schooled me, scared me and changed me. Our minister taking us to an off broadway show involving cross dressing also changed me, but that’s for another time.
Thanks for this post and reminding me of this. Nothing “dim” about you…you shine!
Awesome story! Thanks for sharing. Your minister sounds like a good person and so do you. Nice, there is hope for the world yet :)
almost all working women and men are eaitng fast food.American Homeless peoples are educated they knows very well How much Fat Hamburger contains,Being a homeless they like to thrive their hunger if they are eaitng Hamburger.They are just hungry and like to feed their stomach.
I worked a double internship at the Faith Mission homeless shelter when I was college in Columbus, Ohio.
I need to finish up my degree here in Virginia now. I’m majoring in Social Work.
Awesome field! A tough one, not the greatest pay, but very rewarding if you choose to stick it out. I worked with juvenile boys my first job out of college. Didn’t have a degree. Just sorta fell into the job and did it for a year and a half. It taught me a lot about the hard knocks of life these poor kids went through, but also about hope, determination, and lots of other things. Then I moved on to work with a bunch of other juveniles and got a job in the film industry. Good luck finishing up your degree. Very cool.
How did the film industry come about?
I decided to quit the juvenile placement center. I did it for a year and a half and it was taking a toll on me. Long hours, no social life, and it I had a hard time not thinking about these kids when I wasn’t working. So I wanted time off to reevaluate things. Bought a laptop computer. Started learning how to edit videos. I grew up in Shanksville – where one of the planes crashed 9/11. I video taped the one year anniversary memorial service and put together a nice tribute video. That was the video that opened the door for me, and I got an offer to work on a ABC movie of the week that was filmed 10 miles from my hometown. They wanted a local kid who knew the area and I was the best option they could find, I guess :) I worked 90 hour weeks. Volunteered to be the early guy and the late guy. Busted my ass, and because of it, they took me out to LA to work on the studio portion. From there, things took off and I’ve been doing commercials and film ever since.
Wow! Sounds like a dream come true…
I’m sorry for your home town’s loss though.
“From out of disaster, comes opportunity.” I think I got a fortune-cookie that said that.
Hey, you gotta be a daddy someday. Some kid would be lucky. I realize that’s circular logic.
Yes indeed. I like the role of uncle. I have like 18 nieces and nephews and I’m a godfather. I look forward to breaking some kneecaps one day when my goddaughter’s old enough to date, but the daddy thing sounds nice too. I’ve already started to set aside a special bail money fund for the kid. Should be good times!
I’m not sure if the Life Book is going to help the adoption much, but it should get you in touch with some nice policemen and social workers.
Very funny, great read. Thanks.
I really love your life book! Can’t wait for the chapter where you mention me… Hahahaha!!! ;)
I mean, me and you, of course… ;)