Chris Hinton’s Life Book – Chapter One

Get this you dimwits.  So my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child.   The adoption agency asked her to put together what’s called a life book.  Essentially, a life book is an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).

Here’s the thing though.  My former room mate is single.  She asked that when the adoption finally goes through, would I mind spending some time with the kid on occasion so that he has a male figure in his life.  Are you kidding me?!!  I didn’t even have to think about it twice.  I said, “Sure.  Have the little runt come up to mow the grass and fetch me a beer while I’m watching Sports Center or something.”  Man oh day.  Me, the Dimwit, a father figure of sorts.  Break out the fat cigars.  This is gonna be something special.

It wasn’t required, but I went ahead and put together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well.  Junior, meet your new daddy!!!

Chris Hintons life bookSteelers GameHey Junior.  Check this shiznit out.  Here’s your Papi with your aunt and uncle getting ready to go over to our friend’s house to watch the Steelers game.   We love football and bleed the black and gold.  Go Stillers!!!  Stairway to Seven, baby!!!!

Paragliding

Oh, no big deal.  It’s just your daddy paragliding off the Swiss freaking Alps son!!!  What a rush.  I love traveling and taking adventures.  One day, that will be me and you jumping off the cliffs, dodging trains, racing cars for pink slips, and skydiving 12,000 feet from out of an airplane.  We gotta wait until you’re at least 9 or 10 before we start doing all of that stuff though.  Keep it on the down low or else Mom will have a major conniption fit.

001

Look who it is!  It’s your cousins from Arkansas after your Pops took them out for a mani/pedi.  I had the nice Asian lady paint a unicorn on my index finger.  Tried to anyhow but there was a bit of a language barrier trying to explain what a unicorn was to her and she jacked it all up.  It’s cool though, it still turned out better than my last mani/pedi.

Unicorn Nail
Easter

Now who are these strangers?  That’s two of your uncles hiding eggs for an Easter egg hunt!  That’ll be you out in the yard, looking for eggs one day.  Holidays are always a fun time out at Gram’s.  Picnics, and grilling, and shooting bottle rockets at each other on 4th of July.  Some good times ahead, buddy.  I can’t wait.

Pills

Boy, I remember this one.  This is the day your daddy damn near had a nervous breakdown.   Had to make an emergency visit with the doctor and everything.  I’ve had a few more mental meltdowns since then, but your daddy is a survivor.  Got a cocktail of pills and a fifth of Jack, and a new son!!!  Which reminds me, I better get a refill before your paperwork goes through.

Balloons

Here’s your daddy at the roller skating rink with his good friend Ana.  Isn’t Ana a hottie McTottie?!   I’d take you roller skating, but I was banned for life from ever going back there again.  Long story, but I can still take you to the arcade or my cousin’s bar that has all these really cool stuffed animals that he shot in Africa, or somewhere like that.  You’re gonna love cousin Joe’s place.  It’s better than the zoo any old day of the week!

KissHere’s your daddy putting on his Sunday best, on the way to morning church services.

Fire

Watch out!!!  Fire in the hole!!!  This is when my flipping drunk friends almost burnt down the entire cabin, so daddy had to swoop in and take some quick action to save the day.  Bet you didn’t know your daddy was a superhero, did you?!!  Alls I need now is a cape!!

Christmas partyJust mixing and mingling it up at the Christmas party.  Keeping it fresh with the ladies.  Daddy’s gonna bring you home a new mama so you can have two of them!!  Wouldn’t that be fun?  Shoot, maybe I’ll even fetch you three mamas if I play my cards right.  Can never have too many mamas, son, especially the sugar mamas.

TerminatorHere’s your daddy scotch taping an LED light to his eye like the Terminator.  I went around the house knocking over tables, breaking lamps, chasing after your Gram pretending that she was Sarah Connor, and threatening to exterminate her.   What a great night.  You’ll absolutely love the family, Junior.  We’re a close-knit bunch.

Well, hasta la vista baby!  It’s almost Friday night, and I gotta go to the Casino to try and win back my savings that I blew last Friday night.  If you don’t hear from me for a while, it just means that daddy’s gotta hide out a little, lay low on the lamb for a spell.  I’ll send ya another life book soon, buddy.  Introduce you to some more of the cousins and family.

Stay in touch son.  We’re gonna have one hell of a time, me and you and mommy.  Big hugs and high fives.  Gotta run.

80 thoughts on “Chris Hinton’s Life Book – Chapter One

    • Yes, do it! It’s a lot of fun. We also scotch taped it to one of those pony things on a stick – you know the ones? They’re just the head of a pony and you put the stick between your legs and ride around on it. Except this one was a unicorn. The Terminator unicorn looked pretty cool riding it down the hallway in the dark. My little nieces and nephews didn’t think so. But they’ll appreciate it more down the road sometime. Good luck!

      • Thanks Don! You’re the best. I have a little practice with all these nieces and nephews, but any pointers you have would be much appreciated. Like for example, I heard once that it’s good to let them get really drunk one night, so that way they get sick on beer and never want to drink it again. Is that true? And if they can’t swim, toss them in the deep end of the pool and they’ll figure it out eventually. Like a crash course on swimming lessons. I don’t know. Guess I have a few things to learn, but it should be fun. Kids are pretty cool.

        • My absolute fatvoire is the first pic in the third row, the “new shapes” gal chompin’ on an apple. I also love your ‘oxygen’ pics, and your teen vogue cover is screamin’, ah, “TEEN VOGUE!!!”Love it all. And let me tell you, you look really dapper in those photos :) too awesome :D

      • Shooting spiderwebs out of your ass – now that’s a much cooler superhero power than putting out fires when your drunk friends catch them on fire. I gotta try to learn that one.

    • Thanks! That’s a nice compliment. You know how there’s the high functioning autistic folks? Well, I guess I’m more like a high functioning crazy person. Somehow I manage to make my way through life. It’s a little messy, unpredictable, but a lot of fun.

    • I was out at the betting track yesterday and musta missed them. Got a note from Fed-Ex that they stopped by. I’ll be around all day scrapbooking and teaching myself how to yodel, so I’ll let you know when I receive them. Thanks!

    • Yes, well we mostly were just being ridiculous. Imagine that. So when I was visiting my sister and bro-in-law in Nashville, I got this idea to get all dressed up and show up at our friend’s house wearing these outfits we got at the thrift store. Our friends are HUGE Steeler fans, and were throwing a Steeler party. Jerseys, yard decorations, and even Steeler cupcakes. They go all out. We knock on the door and show up dressed like this. Shoulda seen their eyes!!!

    • I like your thinking. The fast track to fatherhood. I was gonna do the whole take him to the park, fly kites, ride bicycles, tour museums, and all that stuff, but I guess video games would save me a lot of time. Thanks dude! Now I can watch more Maury Povich.

    • And my daily dose of beauty! Krista, how would you like to be in my next life book? Say, a shot of me and you dancing the Macarena or riding horses on a remote beach with the wind blowing through our hair? Think about it. It could be something.

  1. I bleed black and gold too, go Steelers! Very funny! All I can say is your nut (I say that in the kindest, nicest form for those who make me laugh. Nice post!

  2. Your pictures are priceless! The last three made me laugh particularly hard. Thanks for that! Looks like the boy is in for a fun ride :)

    • And you are mine! Just went over to your blog to check out your About Me section. You had me at “covered in plaster, surrounded by fake limbs, breathing in odorous feet.” Nice.

  3. Im not supposed to laugh, smile or talk after getting part of my tongue removed this week. But with your last post, I figured it wouldn’t be too risky to read. Oh, no, it was. I have made every mouth sound I am not supposed to make, alternating with throat howls of pain, over this post! What is worse, Im gonna have re-visits all night after I move on. If my stitches pop Im coming after YOU.

  4. Niice, this could so be a movie! Well, just about anything can be a movie these days …so more specifically I mean, “This could so be a laugh-out-loud yet totally heartwarming movie with actors who will surely become beloved screen legends if they aren’t already!”

    • Funny you mention that Rey. My brother always says my life plays out like a movie and I work in the movies. So maybe it will end up being a movie one day. Who knows? Plenty of laughs for sure. Cheers.

    • You got it Wild E! That’s the way to start out every day, right? Although most days I start mine out with the neighbors dogs barking and spilling hot coffee all over myself. That can be comical too I suppose. Hope the rest of your day turns out with a big smile too. Cheers.

  5. Second guy this week that said they are more excited to be a father than a husband. This is so strange to me because it’s much harder to be a dad then a husband! You don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night to change your wife’s dipers! And you can hopefully take your wife in public without her throwing a temper tantrum and throwing up on the floor :)

  6. You’re going to be honored with the World’s best father mug. And not because there wasn’t anything else available at the store apart from that and second hand ties. Give credit to the Dimwit for cooking omlettes without even using any eggs.

    I’m more excited for the kid than I am for you!

    • A World’s best father mug, nice! That’ll look good next to the Blow Me beenie hat. The poor kid’s gonna be wishing for a refund in the dad department. Nah, it should be pretty cool. Maybe we’ll get a TV crew to follow us around and air some episodes. I’ll have them get a close-up of the mug. Sweet!

  7. I told my nieces and nephews not to call me aunt because it sounds like ant and I kill ants. Also, I hate that they talk to me about most things, like video games, school, their brothers and sisters and friends, and what happened any given day. And for some reason they love me! Kids? I was talking to them about stomach bacteria the other day, yeah it was at the dinner table but we were eating salmon-fresh Copper River salmon! and it didn’t slow them down at all. They ate all of the salmon on their plate. I was going to eat it for them. Selfish of them, don’t you think? I did get to eat Mom’s and Liza’s portions though.

    • Haha, you’re stories kill me. Too funny. Kids like honesty I guess. I let ’em know if they’re annoying me, but most times it’s me annoying them, and they’ll let me know. Guess it goes both ways. And fresh Coapper River salmon?? I’m coming to your house for dinner! Tell those kids to scram and save the Dimwit a piece.

Fire Away You Dimwits

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