Get this you dimwits. So my former room mate is in the process of adopting a child. The adoption agency asked her to put together what’s called a life book. Essentially, a life book is an overview of a person’s life in pictures so the child can begin visualizing and getting comfortable with the idea of living a life with their new parent(s).
Here’s the thing though. My former room mate is single. She asked that when the adoption finally goes through, would I mind spending some time with the kid on occasion so that he has a male figure in his life. Are you kidding me?!! I didn’t even have to think about it twice. I said, “Sure. Have the little runt come up to mow the grass and fetch me a beer while I’m watching Sports Center or something.” Man oh day. Me, the Dimwit, a father figure of sorts. Break out the fat cigars. This is gonna be something special.
It wasn’t required, but I went ahead and put together a life book of my own just so the kid can start getting familiar with my life as well. Junior, meet your new daddy!!!
Hey Junior. Check this shiznit out. Here’s your Papi with your aunt and uncle getting ready to go over to our friend’s house to watch the Steelers game. We love football and bleed the black and gold. Go Stillers!!! Stairway to Seven, baby!!!!
Oh, no big deal. It’s just your daddy paragliding off the Swiss freaking Alps son!!! What a rush. I love traveling and taking adventures. One day, that will be me and you jumping off the cliffs, dodging trains, racing cars for pink slips, and skydiving 12,000 feet from out of an airplane. We gotta wait until you’re at least 9 or 10 before we start doing all of that stuff though. Keep it on the down low or else Mom will have a major conniption fit.
Look who it is! It’s your cousins from Arkansas after your Pops took them out for a mani/pedi. I had the nice Asian lady paint a unicorn on my index finger. Tried to anyhow but there was a bit of a language barrier trying to explain what a unicorn was to her and she jacked it all up. It’s cool though, it still turned out better than my last mani/pedi.
Now who are these strangers? That’s two of your uncles hiding eggs for an Easter egg hunt! That’ll be you out in the yard, looking for eggs one day. Holidays are always a fun time out at Gram’s. Picnics, and grilling, and shooting bottle rockets at each other on 4th of July. Some good times ahead, buddy. I can’t wait.
Boy, I remember this one. This is the day your daddy damn near had a nervous breakdown. Had to make an emergency visit with the doctor and everything. I’ve had a few more mental meltdowns since then, but your daddy is a survivor. Got a cocktail of pills and a fifth of Jack, and a new son!!! Which reminds me, I better get a refill before your paperwork goes through.
Here’s your daddy at the roller skating rink with his good friend Ana. Isn’t Ana a hottie McTottie?! I’d take you roller skating, but I was banned for life from ever going back there again. Long story, but I can still take you to the arcade or my cousin’s bar that has all these really cool stuffed animals that he shot in Africa, or somewhere like that. You’re gonna love cousin Joe’s place. It’s better than the zoo any old day of the week!
Watch out!!! Fire in the hole!!! This is when my flipping drunk friends almost burnt down the entire cabin, so daddy had to swoop in and take some quick action to save the day. Bet you didn’t know your daddy was a superhero, did you?!! Alls I need now is a cape!!
Just mixing and mingling it up at the Christmas party. Keeping it fresh with the ladies. Daddy’s gonna bring you home a new mama so you can have two of them!! Wouldn’t that be fun? Shoot, maybe I’ll even fetch you three mamas if I play my cards right. Can never have too many mamas, son, especially the sugar mamas.
Here’s your daddy scotch taping an LED light to his eye like the Terminator. I went around the house knocking over tables, breaking lamps, chasing after your Gram pretending that she was Sarah Connor, and threatening to exterminate her. What a great night. You’ll absolutely love the family, Junior. We’re a close-knit bunch.
Well, hasta la vista baby! It’s almost Friday night, and I gotta go to the Casino to try and win back my savings that I blew last Friday night. If you don’t hear from me for a while, it just means that daddy’s gotta hide out a little, lay low on the lamb for a spell. I’ll send ya another life book soon, buddy. Introduce you to some more of the cousins and family.
Stay in touch son. We’re gonna have one hell of a time, me and you and mommy. Big hugs and high fives. Gotta run.