Well, I don’t know what the deal is with you dimwits, but I have a hundred nieces and nephews. At least it feels that way. It might as well be a hundred when they’re all gathered for the holidays, running around the house biting and screaming like a bunch of rabid animals. The worst is, now some of them are into Star Wars. They’ll go around for hours with their toy lightsabers, hacking away at my shins, and stabbing me in the neck.
I swear they’re lucky they’re cute kids, or else I’d take those lightsabers and snap them right in half. Whoops, sorry about that, young Skywalker. I’m hungover and trying to take a nap. Now go bug your parents, and give your uncle a break with the dangblasted lightsabers already. Cripes almighty. I hate Star Wars with a passion.
Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will teach you how to Photoshop your gremlin kids into a Star Wars poster so that they’ll leave you the crap alone. With any luck, maybe they’ll go off to a galaxy far, far away to admire their Star Wars poster instead of whipping around those friggin’ lightsabers like they’re Obi Wan Kenobi or something. One could only hope.
Let’s begin today’s Photoshop lesson, shall we? We shall, Jedi Photoshoppers.
Step 1: Take Some Aspirin
Welp, I’ve been sober for about 2 weeks now. It’s not as awesome as it sounds, trust me, but I don’t have any more money to go blow on whiskey binges every other night, so I’ll be doing this one completely uninebriated, unfortunately. I’m just gonna have to dig deep to find another source of motivation.
Forget the music and booze. I’m going in a different direction. I’m gonna down half a bottle of expired Aspirin that I found in my shaving bag back from high school. If you don’t have an expired bottle of Aspirin, feel free to substitute the Aspirin with some whiskey, wine, vodka, moonshine, uppers, crank, speed, meth, or all of thee above depending on how many kids of your own that you have.
Honest to God, I wish I had the Force right about now, cause I’d use it to snatch up my neighbor’s beer bottle in a flash. I can see them outside grilling shish kabobs and drinking Coronas. Must be nice living high on the hog. I’m popping a few more Aspirins and going straight to bed right after this galactic fiasco is finished up.
Step 2: Selecting A Swinging Sponge Mop Photo
Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this demonstration. As you can see, it’s me getting in some quality bonding time with one of my nephews. If you don’t have a photo of yourself swinging around a sponge mop to the back of your nephew’s pink flowered stroller, just use this one, or Google another image using those key search words.
By now, you should be some regular, old cowboys and cowgirls with the Lasso Tool, so I’m gonna skip that step. Actually I’m gonna skip about 50 other steps while I’m at it, because I’m starting to get carpal tunnel from typing up all these Photoshop tutorials. Mainly I just want to teach you a little about layers for this lesson. One must learn to crawl before they can go around whacking people in the knee caps with godforsaken lightsabers.
And I just realized, I probably shoulda taught you how to use layers in the first lesson since it’s the most important step to becoming a Photoshop Jedi master like myself, but that’s one of the downsides to teaching these lessons drunk.
Forget it. The past is the past, so there’s no sense dwelling on what could’ve been. Here’s the lassoed, isolated layer of myself that I’ll be working with.
Step 3: Replacing The Sponge Mop With A Lightsaber
In the previous lesson, you learned how to make a Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch poster, and you became familiar with the Clone Stamp Tool. It’s a pretty handy dandy tool. In the photo below, take notice that I used the Clone Stamp Tool to sample and cover up the sponge mop on my sweatshirt. I also used the Clone Stamp Tool to get rid of the harsh shadows caused by the mop head.
What’s that? I sense some doubt. I find your lack of faith to be disturbing. Here’s a side by side comparison so you get an idea of just how lethal of a weapon the Clone Stamp Tool can really be.
Now that I got rid of the sponge mop and harsh shadows, I’ll teach you how to add in the lightsaber. Let out a hearty yee-haw cowboys and cowgirls and wake up the neighbors. Select the Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner, take a few more Aspirins, and give those hands a lassoing they’ll never forget. Once you’ve made the selection, make a new layer of just the hands. In between the layer of me swinging around a sponge mop and the hands layer, I will be adding a layer of the lightsaber. It’s a little confusing. Here’s another visual so you know what the hell I’m talking about.
You can see that I’ve named the layers in the order they should go in. In between the layer of me swinging around the sponge mop and the hands layer is the layer of the lightsaber. Assuming you know how to count to ten, you should also notice a fifth layer at the top titled “Handle.”
I made a separate layer of the portion of the handle located in the gap between my hands, and placed it as the top layer so it looks like my hands are clasping the lightsaber. I don’t know if I’m making any sense. Probably not, but I’m moving on anyways, cause I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded and my extremities are going numb.
Step 4: Talking Squirrels; Time To Wrap It Up
No time for chit chat. There’s a squirrel outside my bedroom window that keeps looking at me, and I swear he just said, “Hello there, Photoshop Knight. Whad’ya say it’s time you wrapped this sonofabitch up.” So I’m not gonna argue with him. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a close up of squirrel’s ugly rat teeth after downing twelve Aspirins, but they’re pretty freaking sharp.
Man, oh day. I gotta go lay down for a minute or two, cause it feels like my liver’s been turned inside out and I’m starting to black out. I really need to get a job so I can stop doing these Photoshop tutorials. No joke, I just heard today that Speilberg is considering doing a film here in Pittsburgh. As long as it’s not George Lucas making another 4 hour film about Jar Jar Binks, that’s cool with me.
Here’s your Star Wars poster with the shin bashing, lightsaber culprits. I replaced the original background with a space background. I added a photo of my bratty nephews squirting me with water guns at the family picnic, as well as a photo of my niece holding a pink light saber, and a photo of the stroller bound nephew trapped in some spaceship thing at the Chuck E. Cheeses. For good measure, I also added a photo of a hungry bear that I took at the zoo last summer, cause I didn’t feel like staring at Chewbacca’s hairy fanged, sasquatch face all day.
It says the Aspirin expired in 1998. I feel like I’ve been put on the Death Star and blown up to smithereens. I used to really like Star Wars, and now it’s all ruined for me. Well, here’s your poster before I go pass out cold.
Congratulations on making a Star Wars poster of your gremlin kids. That concludes today’s Photoshop tutorial. Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop your nieces and nephews on top the roof while I go use the Force to snatch up a 12-pack of Coronas from the neighbors, and eat all their shish kabobs in peace and quiet.
awesome! can you make one for my kids?! LOL
I’d be honored!
I might take you up on that one day and email you a photo of my wild off-springs! :)
Love it! Especially the selection of your nephews and niece for the picture. Hope they see this. Did you send it to them?
lol, you crack me up
You are so cool, even if you never responded to my 2 – count them 2– emails. You kiss your mother with those manners? I am going to take it as a sign that you’re more famous and busy than I realize and that my emails got lost in a sea of others. I’m not going to cry or eat chocolate over two simple emails of no consequence, or sit through the third hour of the Today Show.
Ha! Where are my manners? Tisk, tisk. Well, it’s no excuse, but I finally figured out how to turn off all of the emails every time I get a comment or follow. So I’ll be sifting through my email inbox and will respond sooner than later :)
I know I only found your blog a couple days ago (newbie Dimwit) but with every post I read….this strange force takes me over…like I’m channeling the spirit of Yoda….compelling me to comment and I just CAN’T figured out WHY??????
HAHA, yes it is rather compelling to watch a madman at work. The Photoshop tutorials channel my drunk alter ego character. He’s funny but a little more gruff than I am in real life. I’m actually a softie and love my nieces and nephews dearly. Well, most the time anyway :) Thanks for reading and for the comments!
Oh Yeah!!!! Now I remember….its cos you are Freaking Hillarious!!! :D
Life is short, and this article saved vabllaue time on this Earth.
Your answer was just what I needed. It’s made my day!
Thank you for yet another practical Photoshop tutorial. I think the original photo is equally as hilarious as the final product. (Love the expression of the little guy trapped in the space bubble!)
Thanks Becky! I’m a bit of a character incase you haven’t noticed. :) I have tons of photos from the past few years, so it’s nice to put them to good use.
I am just left feeling quite disturbed by the socks and sandals thing. . .
Socks/Sandals is normal in Washington state. In fact if it weren’t for that damned Sasquatch…we’d be famous for THAT instead…
My ex-husband is from Washington State, but the only time I ever saw him sporting that look was with soccer slides. I think I would definitely rather be known for Sasquatch as opposed to Birkenstocks and socks! lol
I noticed those, too. So stylish! Gonna have to get me some! Haha
That’s right ladies. I’m a sock and sandal guy. Fashion is not my forte, I’m afraid. Unless turtlenecks and Bill Cosby sweaters are stylish? Probably not.
I thought I would leave a comment here rather than scroll all the way to the interminable bottom and say something pertinent about PSing.
What’s wrong with socks and sandals? I live in WA and I often layer socks. The lighter pair of socks in case the weather gets warmer and a heavier pair on top. I am currently designing Sockdals -socks already attached to sandals. Also my soon to be famous double tee shirts attached to two long sleeve flannel shirts.
Dang it! I wish I understood one hundredth of what you’re doing! Maybe if I take a bottle of expired aspirin I’ll get it. I love the finished product!!! I’m printing off a copy and on the fridge it goes!
Sweet. You better get a few extra fridges, because I have about 20,000 photos in the reserves. Of course, no embarrassing ones of you. I would never do that. Bwahaha!
I have missed you soooooooo much! I’ve been so hard at work lately renting apartments that I haven’t been reading much lately. Leave it to the old Photoshop Tutorials to bring me back to you.
You know what sucks? That you’re way the frig across the continent and we can’t hang out in a karaoke bar or something together. I think you and the hubby would get along great and we’d be like our own little “Wolf Pack” and it would be awesome.
I think my goal with this comment is to probably be the most annoying I can possibly be so you can tell all your friends that there is a nose pickin’ toddler following your blog and she acts like she’s 42 and is your kindred spirit, although that doesn’t say much about you now, does it?
Side note. I just woke up. And I have 1 hour and 13 minutes until I have to get up to get ready for work and I feel like I already need to take a nap.
Just wanted to tell you that I missed you because things like that are nice to hear from your blog friends and its not creepy at ALL. xoxo
Well, YES! Usually it’s me leaving the novels for comments. This was a nice one to read through for sure, kindred spirit. I like to travel, so perhaps we shall have that evening at the karaoke bar one day soon. Put the wolf pack together and have a helluva night. Better have a friend with bail money on reserve just in case. I’ve missed you too. X0X0X0X0. Oh sorry. That was a zero instead of an “O.” Let me try it again. XOXOXOXOXOX
I thought you deserved a novella in the comment stream. I’m a giver, what can I say?
May the force be with me if I’m going to create my own lightsaber pic following this photoshop tutorial. By the way, your nephews and nieces look adorable.
They’re the cutest. I have like 17 or 18 of them now. I honestly lose track, but they’re all good kids and we have a blast when we’re together. As you mighta guessed, I’m known as the “crazy uncle.” Good luck with the Star Wars poster!
At last! Someone with the insight to solve the promelb!
I’ll pass this on to my daughter, a photographer. My son wants an explosion behind him in his senior pictures.
Nice! That would be a great senior pic. Much better than mine where I had this slicked back hair, and was leaning against a tree or something. Maybe I’ll do a tutorial teaching people how to spice up their senior portraits. Thanks for the idea and for passing the tutorial along. Cheers.
this is awesome!!!
Thanks! I have a few more tutorials in the works, so hopefully they’ll turn out decent. Cheers.
I’ve always wanted to be able to make a Star Wars poster out of my nieces and nephews! Is there any way you can paste the live ones in there for an hour or so – or at least until after my nap? You know, kind of like when the Road Runner gets flattened by a boulder, then pops back to normal size….only delayed by about an hour? Now THAT would be cool!
Ha! So you know firsthand how rambunctious little kiddos can be. I’ll see what I can do with the Road Runner, try to slow them down for a bit so you can catch some zzzzz’s.
Now this one I could really use. I’m pretty sure it would elevate me to God status in my son’s eyes if I made him a Star Wars poster with him in it.
Most definitely. Maybe there’s an app for a phone that does it for you? I have all these apps to make my nieces & nephews into unicorns, zombies, bald, aged. They get a kick out of it. A Star Wars app would be pretty cool. I’ll have to look that one up and see if it’s out there.
Truly epic awesomeness, Dimmy. I’m sad to hear that you’re not drinking because you can’t afford it. You should be charging for these PS lessons and hanging around all those nephews.
Thanks Don! Well, the no drinking and being poor at the moment is maybe a good thing. It’s been a good run the past 5 years with work. As a result, I’ve done lots of traveling, vacationing overseas, eating out at fancy restaurants, attending concerts, ect – the good life. Maybe too good, cause I spent all my money :) So it’s actually been nice to be forced to sit down and get my life in order a little bit. But it’s back on once I’m back to work! Work hard, play hard. It’s the only way I know how to live. BAM.
you freakin’ crack me up! love it. anyway – i love reading your tutorials im just sad i don’t have photoshop to actually practice on – may have to fix that so i can make some star wars photos for my nephews – lil buggers i never get to see them though. :P i’ll be sure to have some whiskey tonight in your honor. ;)
A whiskey gal. All right! Better make it extra stiff if you’re drinking in my honor. Well, I think maybe there’s a free trial for Photoshop or similar programs you could try out to see if you might like it. It’s frustrating at first, but a lot of fun once you learn your way around a little. You can give people 4 heads and six arms, things like that. Cheers!
dude, you are freaking insane……… want more !
cool with the PS. 5 or 6?
Interesting about RAW. I shoot RAW but seldom mess with them as I have the newer CS4 and there are some new frtelis there that make things look fabulous with one click. There are some examples on my Gordon blog but small and only of old houses. Sometimes the only thing that jumps is the background colors.
Fun, fun, fun… though as other’s have mentioned … the sandals/socks thing freaks me out just a bit.
Ha! Well, I don’t go for the sandal/sock look too often. Mostly just when I’m doing photo shoots out in the middle of fields with a sponge mop, or if someone sets me up on a blind date. :)
hey is it cool if I post a link to this site on my fb. I have friends that would enjoy your imagination
Yeah, fo shizzy, Rick. Share the madness :) Thanks! I use Photoshop CS3 version 10. The tools are pretty much the same as the old versions, so this tutorial should work for ya if you have an older version. Good luck!
Holy shit. I use Pixelmator, and it has a stamp tool thingie, too…but I never knew what the hell it did. That kicks ass.
Yeah, man. I never used Pixelmator, but if it has an opacity setting for the stamp tool, you’ll probably have to play around with that a little too to blend in the edges of whatever it is your cloning. Blah, blah, blah. I’m sure there are some slightly less entertaining but more thorough tutorials online if you need a few more pointers, but it’s definitely a kick ass tool. Tear it up!
Star Wars must be a popular them this week! We posted a Star Wars pic too! :)
Are you attempting to wash your nephew with that mop? Gotta flip it around, man. I would also recommend bleach, but only if it’s color safe.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaattt????? I’m sweating with confusion. It’s like I’m back in a staff workshop. Can’t I just give you whiskey and you do it for me????
Yes!!!! This is probably the most useful tutorial yet (wow, I had such a hard time spelling tutorial right now…too much gin maybe?). My son is obsessed with Star Wars ever since he first saw the original on VHS (hey, if it still works no sense in throwing it away). Seriously, the kid has like four lightsabers. Anywho, thanks for posting, as always, and one of these days, I might actually obtain PS so that I can try my hand at that magic :)
Whisky being substituted for aspirin? Yeah, I see that — PS: I continue to be amazed by your photoshop expertise!
Maybe you should try to make an Andrey Tarkovskiy’s “Ivan’s childhood” (or any of his movies) poster alteration. Tell them it is your favorite film and that you’ve watched it, at least 51 times. This way they might watch a real movie masterpiece. They will either like it so much that you will be able to have intelectual conversations with them, afterwards, or sleep so fast that you will find peace of mind for 3 hours. And after the end of the movie they will fear that you might play them another dirty trick in the future, with your superior skills of staying awake. This will keep them away from you, until they have their own nieces and nephews to take care of. Then they will ask for your help.
Too fun! This is the first time I’ve seen your blog. I love it.
I´m not getting there yet with the photo shop(perfection), but slowly and surely I will photo shop my two annoying-farting-pooping-drooling dogs. They´re worst than kids.
Funny! I like next week’s topic too… :D
Seriously good idea! I’m gonna do one for my nephews (and make them all the baddies, of course!)
This is great.
You may like these images of hipster Star Wars characters I found–> http://hipsterapproved.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/may-the-4th-be-with-you/
I don’t know if I like Photoshop! I don’t know if I believe in altering images with photoshop myself?
It’s like getting addicted to a drug, once you get the hang of it, you will never leave it. It will only tempt you to learn more and create even more cool stuff.
I don’t know if I need drugs myself but thanks for sharing. http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
This is the badassest photoshop tutorial I have ever seen. I wish I didn’t have so many kids so I could do this for the ones I like.
Now you only need to get rid of those nasty sandals for a nicer pair of boots.
I really enjoyed your post! First time for me.
Hope you’re still alive…
you are absolutely hilarious today!!! You really are on a roll with these things!!!! enjoy the week man! perhaps I should stop watching you hog all the expired aspirin and grab my own outdated mix and match pain pills from the cabinet!!!! congrats on being freshly pressed.
you are creative and smart. am sure you’d be their favourite uncle! thank you for the step wise tutorial and congratulations on being freshly pressed.
Fun manipulation. And nice tutorial. May i suggest adjusting hues and saturation on all the cut outs you made using the lasso tool? It will help in making them blend with the background. Adding some shadows and highlights by moderately adding black and white colour (respectively), on a soft light mode layer with any soft brush will also help.
Brilliant article! I’m going to save it and try it on my young padawans. Thanks!
Haha how good is that??!
I really codl’nut ask for more from this article.
Reblogged this on meinewebwelt über Fotografie.
Screw the nieces and nephews. They all like the “new republic” and until we learn ’em right I say we use this to screw with our friends when they pass out a parties…
http://jackdawise.wordpress.com/. hey chekcout my blog maybe we can share some ideas Im a A+ certified (CompTIA A+)
Nice job! Here’s my own version, produced for the birthday card of my nephew. See if you can spot him! (Hint: He’s not Samuel L Jackson…)
I may have to pull myself off the couch, off this phone and head over to the computer to try my hand at this photoshop business. Or better yet, I’ll just read all the posts you’ve written about this joyous pursuit, grab a bottle of aspirin, a few cold ones and sit back and await your next installment.
Such a tribute; an amazing way to honor this young man and his family.
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This is brilliant. I laughed all the way through it. Will you come and take a look at my blog? A warning before you click. Some of my stuff is tame. Some of it is not. Take heed. I assure you that this is not spam, I just need you to know it’s 18+.
This was actually even better than Photoshop for Dummies. I can actually follow Photoshop for Drunks! Thank you!