Well, I don’t know about you dimwits, but I like wolves. Always have. In elementary school, the teachers were always going around asking questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” I’d shrug my shoulders. I don’t know, “Blue.” “Whad’ya wanna to be when you grow up?” Once again a shrug. Never gave it much thought, being that I was 8 1/2 years old and all. So I’d say, “A school teacher so one day I can ask awesome questions just like you.” And then the teachers would finally get around to asking the real gritty, meaty questions. “What’s your favorite animal?” Without hesitation, I would confidently respond, “Wolf.”
So as you can see, ever since I was a little kid I always liked wolves.
Today’s Photoshop lesson, I will be teaching you how to Photoshop yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf. I know what you’re probably saying to yourself, “Man, that’s impossobile. I can never learn to Photoshop myself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf.” Wrong. You just gotta believe, and with the aid of this tutorial, you’ll be off and howling in no time. To the moon we go.
Step 1: Put On Some Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet”
Whenever I’m Photoshopping myself in pop up tents with ferocious wolves, it’s all about setting the right mood. The sound of rainforest and pan flutes are always a nice background music to work with, but it’s not quite wolfy enough for this lesson. We need something that howls. Something that screams and gets the blood pumping a little. I’m talking Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” circa 1986, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s get wild in the streets, shall we? We definitely shall.
Step 2: Lasso The Head Of A Smoking Hot Blond
Above is the original, untouched photo that I’ll be working with for this tutorial. As you can see, it’s me in the women’s changing room pop up tent with a smoking hot blond. While I have nothing against poking my head out of a pop up tent with a smoking hot blond, for this demonstration, we will be replacing her smiling face with a ferocious wolf.
If you’ve had a chance to read the sparkly vampire Twilight poster tutorial, then you’re aware that not only do I have a fondness for wolves, but I also have a deep appreciation for magnets. So crank up some Jovi, whip your hair around like your all time favorite glam rocker, loosen up those neck muscles a bit, give a couple monster leg kicks, another hair whip or two, take a swig of water to stay hydrated, and go to the upper, left hand corner to select the Magnetic Lasso Tool, in that specific order.
Once you’ve selected the Magnetic Lasso Tool, you’ll want to trace an outline of the area you want to remove. Carefully make your selection of the smoking hot blond, then hit the delete button. Boom shakalacka. The smoking hot blond is no more and you should end up with a layer that looks like so.
Hey, what the shit Jon Bon Jovi? Well, sorry about that Photoshoppers. Seems there’s a little cockblocking going on here, and somebody is having a little difficulty letting go of their glorious, glamorous, hair thrashing past. Sorry Jon Bon Jovi, but you and your 7 foot tall, hair sprayed, lion’s mane need to go. We have some more wolfing to do.
Step 3: Let’s Go Hunting For A Ferocious Wolf
So first things first. We need a ferocious wolf. I know just the place to go find one. Do a Google search for “Ferocious Wolf” and select an image you like. The more ferocious the better. I would suggest choosing the wolf showing the most teeth to get the most of that ferocious look. Here is the photo of the ferocious wolf that I have selected to use.
Step 4: Lassoing The Head Of A Ferocious Wolf
Similar to how I lassoed the head of the smoking hot blond, I will be lassoing the head of the ferocious wolf. Crank that mutha’ up about 10 decibles, give another whip of the hair, show that GD wolf who’s boss, and select the Magnetic Lasso Tool from the upper, left hand corner once again.
Carefully trace around the ferocious wolf head, and make a new isolated layer. And no, Jon Bon Jovi, you’re not invited to the wolf head party. You and your tight, leather pants and unbuttoned shirt need to stuff it somewhere in New Jersey. Preferably in the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey, which shouldn’t be too hard to find since the entire state is a sewer. No offense to anyone that lives in New Jersey.
Your ferocious wolf head isolated layer should look like something like this.
Step 4: Blend The Ferocious Wolf Head In A Pop Up Tent
I’ll keep this brief. Slippery When Wet clocks in at a mere 42:22, so we don’t have a whole lot of time for goofing. Not when we’ve got some wolfing to do, so let’s finish this sonofabitch up. So now that we got rid of the smoking hot blond, and have an isolated layer of the ferocious wolf head, it’s time to blend the two images.
And man, honest to God, these next 100 steps are so incredibly, freaking boring, and it’s probably the whole reason that I never went to my graphic design classes in college in the first place. I”m just. Do you ever regret things in your past? Like, sit around and ever wonder how things would be any different today if you had made just a few different choices when you were younger? If you would be living in a different state? A different country, even? Have a different career? Maybe be with someone different, somebody at all? If those few different choices would’ve made you wealthier, more successful? Happier?
Christ, Bon Jovi is giving me a pounding headache, so I’m gonna skip about the next 12 steps if that’s cool with you dimwits. I knew I should’ve gone with White Snake, but it’s too late for that now. We’re committed, so let’s wrap this up and send Jovi home packing.
So basically, I did some more lassoing, and traced the pop up tent so I could make a new layer, I added in a few slash marks to the pop up tent cause I thought it looked pretty cool and more ferocious, I added a layer mask and…
You know what. I can’t even do it. I can’t even pretend anymore. Photoshop sucks the will to live right outta me. Leaves me shriveled, dying, and makes me feel a little less of a human being every time I click on that smug looking PS logo. Every time I see that bouncy ball opening up the program as if he’s excited, and knows that with each and every bounce, a little more of me dies inside. I’m smashing this stereo. Bon Jovi is really grinding my nerves. Here’s your photo of the cockblocking, cock knocker Jon Bon Jovi, you dimwits.
Welp, there you go. Congratulations on making yourself in a pop up tent with a ferocious wolf. Hope it was as wonderful of an experience as it was for me. Join me next lesson as I teach you how to Photoshop Jon Bon Jovi’s Olivia Newtwon-John looking hair into the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey. Time for me to go howl at the moon with about a gallon of Jim Beam and a case of Milwalkees Best.
The Dimwit Diary 
You are hilarious and I bow to your hilarity!!! I hate PS an refuse to try to figure it out, but I do my photo editing in a backwoods kinda way. And I want to ask yer permission to put my head in a pop up tent with a very scary (two drinks in and I can’t spell ferousches) so very scary wolf. Or really the possibilities are endless. You are truly an inspiration!
Ha! Thanks. Stay tuned for the next one (I think). It’s more for the ladies, but I suppose I’ll probably do up a photo of myself too: How to PHotoshop yourself onto a Mary Poppin’s Musical Poster With A Bald Eagle. I don’t know, we’ll see. But thanks for the nice comment!
Dude…you skipped a bunch of steps and got all squinky on us. I think you need a time out or perhaps a quick snuggle or something.
If Jovi wasn’t such a cool human…I’d totally kick his ass for giving you a rip-roaring headache.
Ha! Thanks, well how bout instead of a snuggle, how bout a spanking? I’m in the spanking mood. Hey, I saw the award contest thingy ma jiggy you posted. Thanks, I’ll be checking into. Never been nominated for one of things, so gotta see what it’s all about. Pretty cool of you to do. Will get back to you….kindred spirit.
I love wolves. I raised a hybrid, which is like a watered down for housewives and angsty teenager version of a real wolf (as shown in the pixture with you in the pop tent).
I went to an experimental charter high school in its inaugural year. Somehow I managed to be student body president (no sexual favors were exchanged…that I am willing to admit to) and as my prize for being the super dork of all time I was able to pick the mascot.
Yeah. A wolf.
16 later they are still the wolves. I should send them this tutorial for senior pictures… :)
Woah! If I didn’t know any better, that story sounds like one of the fibs I would make up. Crazy. But cool, crazy. Ha, yeah send em the tutorial. It’s very useful :)
I can’t make that kind of sheer nonsense up. While most of the blogosphere is aspiring or semi-publishable writers, I, on the other hand, was kicked out of creative writing because I lack imagination. I’m just a science geek that had a kid and thought blogging about it might be fun. ;)
That ish really happened.
Ps- sorry for the oh-my-god-I-can’t-believe-I-typed-that amount of errors in the above comment. Before I wrote it I had just finished glass of wine #2.
What a swell post.
P.S. I wouldn’t mind being behind a white curtain with ol’ man Jovi…. ;-)
Ha! Thanks for the laugh as always John. Kinda needed it today. ONe of those days, you know. So thanks. Swell of you to do. Maybe I’ll do a special one for ya sometime and Photoshop you in the pop up tent with Mr. Jovi. I would imagine that be more than swell. :)
But what if we don’t have Photoshop? Or hot blonde models to rub up against? Or the brains to even know where to start? Oh well. You will no doubt help millions of struggling smart people, regardless.
-tumbleweed
Good morning tumbleweed. Just starting to go through comments, and thought I’d start with yours. Thanks, it was sweet. And well, you know I can’t just leave it at “Thanks, it was sweet.” So I’m gonna do a little rambling, if that’s all right. Guess you don’t have much choice in the matter, so I hope it is all right. Well, anyway, it’s overcast here today in Pittsburgh. I’ve been holed up in my apartment for days, writing. Trying to get this thing off the ground. And it has my mood just a bit off today. I haven’t been sleeping well, eating hardly at all. And it’s not that I’m complaining. Sometimes you just have to let the madness overtake you when it comes, and there’s not much you can do about it. It just kind of takes you where it wants to, and you just have to be along for the ride. And it feels nice to be writing again, and even though someone such as myself, being mad and all, it’s a tough process, but I’m happy with the results so far.
I’ve been trying to do a lot of writing, well because eventually I have to get back to a job that pays. And remember when I said I have this whole thing where I just leave? Need time to myself? Need to get away from it all and from everyone? Well, I’m concerned that I’ve built up a bit of a fanclub, and it concerns me because I always feel guilty about these sorts of things. I don’t want to let people down, people who need my stories, and need to laugh. And maybe even to stretch their minds a little bit, and give just a touch of insight along the way. And I’m already tremendously starting to grow concern and feel that guilt. It’s an awful thing to feel, but it’s part of the process just the same as the no sleeping, and no eating, and such. I just don’t know another way. Well, I want to have enough writing, so when I do go back, I can still post. I won’t be able to set records for the longest reply like this one, and won’t be able to comment back, but at least they can still have a story. So the madman’s been writing like mad.
Well there’s another thing. Remember I said in paragraph 2, I believe it was, that my mood was a little off? It’s okay, I’m not too down. Just one of those days, you know. But one of those days I was thinking it’d be nice to have some tea and crumpet with the old, tumbleweed. We wouldn’t even have to talk. It’d be nice just to sit there and maybe stare at the wind together. I like staring at anything, really. It all fascinates me, so might as well be the wind. I guess we could stare at each other, but it might get a little weird. We both seem to have some insecurities, so I guess we could just stare at the wind, talk or don’t talk. It wouldn’t matter. Both are nice. So well, I better wrap it up and get to a few more comments, but just wanted to start with yours.
Okay, well hope you’re not having an off day, and all is well.
The madman, the rambling fool, the dimwit
– Christopher Clementine Johosophat
Ps. I’ve not got the patience to go back and read this thing myself, so hopefully it makes at least a little sense. I’ll probably read it later, and wanna make all sorts of changes, but sometimes you just gotta let ‘er rip. Okay, well even the PS got kinda long, so good day….
You know, the beautiful thing about blog fan clubs is that they are very forgiving and understanding if you are just open with them. I think you’ll be surprised. We can be patient, no matter how much of a break you may need sometimes. Or how short the comment replies. Or if you just can’t reply at all. Trust me, you rambling fool, people aren’t going anywhere. Your writing is much too good for that. So if you need to step away, we will wait. So maybe just let yourself breathe a bit?
And of course, if I totally missed your point, feel free to slap me.
I would gladly stare at the wind with you. Cheer up, Charlie.
Ok, well thanks for that. To be honest, I was having a little trouble breathing today. LIke I said, I’m not too down. It’s just one of those strange things like how I told you I have a bunch of them, and sometimes breathing is one of them, which isn’t good, because people need to breath, you know. Well, thanks for your comment, tumbleweed. Cause I think I might just take a break. It feels like a writing day, and I wanted to reply to comments, and I will as much as I can, but maybe I need to get out of the house and go stare at the wind.
Even though it’s rainy and overcast, I think it would do me some good. I might even go for a walk in the rain, even though the only people who do that sort of thing are people in the movies, so I probably won’t, because actually walking in the rain isn’t that much fun. It just leaves you wet and cold, and well, maybe I’ll just go to the bookstore and sit and stare, cause I like to stare in the bookstore, too. Lots of interesting people. But maybe it’ll do me good, so thanks again tumbleweed, AKA The Lunatic. You’re mad, too, but you’re all right. Sorry for rambling again. It’s just another one of those strange things. The keyboard does it, and I just go along for the ride, so it’s not even my fault really. Well, on that note. Gonna go….Charlie signing off.
This is a really inlitlegent way to answer the question.
Hey can I get in on that staring at the wind with you guys? Can we do it someplace that serves beer and has outside seating or do you like to stare at the wind through a window or even stare at inside wind? Either way. I’m not trying to be a third wheel though! There’s a cool breakfast place in Pittsburgh I saw on Food Television or whatever too that I’d like to try. Can you PS me a map to that place from St. Louis, Mr. Chris? Thank you.
While you’re at is, send me a map of that breakfast place from Oregon? It might take me a few weeks to get there, but dammit, I’ll do it for a threesome wind-staring party.
Well, shit. Let’s all go stare at the wind then. Don, Tumbleweed. We would have one hell of a time, wouldn’t we? Three knuckleheads having a threesome staring at the wind. Lots of Bud Light Lime, and Franzia boxed wine. Tumbleweed, not sure what your trick is, even you even have one. Maybe your trick is lemonade, or snorting Oxycotin, but the point is we could drink orange flavored Gatorade and still have a hell of a time.
I like you two. The Dimwit took some time to himself, listened to a lot of 80’s New Wave, and well I’m already feeling better. Might take just a bit more time before I get to the doing up the next Photoshop tutorial: How to Photoshop yourself onto a Mary Poppin’s musical playbill. Something like that. Have it all worked out in my maddening head, and this one’s more for the gals, since we did a ferocious wolf one the last time. Got a bunch more tricks up my sleeve. Lots of maddening stuff. Killing me not to post a lovely online review of Yankee candle for the new men’s sent – 2X4. It’s a real scent if you can believe – 2X4 – and if you believe it even more, the Dimwit put his writing skills to good work, and made a helluva nice review about the sawdust smelling scented candle. But gotta sit on it, you know. Save a few tricks for when things get busy.
Well anyway, there I go rambling again. But it was a much better ramble than the first one a few hours ago. And it’s nice to be breathing again.
The map is sent. See you in a few weeks. Let’s party.
You are so funny… and I ‘saw me’ in that post… when I just completely become bored, wished I’d never started something. :)))) It made me laugh out loud… I needed that. Take care. Gloria/Granny Gee
Aw, thanks Gloria/Granny Gee. That’s nice of you to say. Well, glad I could give ya a laugh. You take care too. Thanks for reading. XO
:)))
Hey, what the fuck? I was really trying to learn something here and you phoned the last part in!?? Geez. So, tell us some more about what’s going on in that tent with that hot blonde. I bet your gay vampire brother was super pissed!! Lol. This shit is funny, but I really do envy your mad photo editing skills. It’s like being able to do magic…it gets you lots of attention, but probably won’t get you laid without more.
HAHAHAHAHAH. Touche. Can’t top this one, Don. So let just say you’re a total vagina. Gonna be reading your stuff later tonight. Working on the 1,500 bit. It just might happen. Guess the dimwits like handy Photoshop tutorials or something. Cheers.
I do have total vagina tendencies, yes. I know I sure does likes PS tutorials real much!
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So whaddya want? Wicker?!?
Reblogged this on Psychic Pharmacy Tech and commented:
Hilarious! And also very informative! I feel inspired to edit a random wolf or animal into all kinds of situations!
Thanks for the reblog!
You are very welcome. I only reblog the best, buddy.
I’m sorry…I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all
day has rattled my good manners…good stuff
Thanks mate! You had me all confused on the first comment. But what else is new. Well I’m interested more in this Tigershark business of yours. I’ll check out more of your stuff. Cheers.
sweet, gotta go, bogey at twelve o’clock
I shit you not, my mom has a magazine cut-out of Bon Jovi on their fridge (which I’m sure my dad just loves seeing every day). She is ob-sessed with that man. Perhaps she would enjoy a Photoshop of herself with the Jov in a pop up tent for Mother’s Day…
HA! Damn, your comment made me laugh. Too funny. Well, the tutorial is very useful, so make your mama’s dream come true. Feel free to print this one out for her too, if she’s also into ferocious wolves in a pop up tent. :)
I once PSed myself (wait…something about that looks wrong!) anyway, I PSed myself with Marie Antionette hair standing on the edge of a cliff in Hawaii with dolphins and a unicorn rainbow, do you see where I’m going here!? I couldn’t STOP PSing myself. I had to cut myself off. That was it. Until now. I see hair…lots of hair. John Bon Jovi hair…on me. With a cliff…glahhhhhh!!!!!
YES! Well, I can see you’re quite the unicorn lover. And knew there was a reason I liked you. Might have a surprise for you in the future…
Why even Photoshop? With that powerful caption writing ability of yours you can just tell us all what’s happening in the tent …
True, true. The caption would read something like this: Want a mustache ride? followed with a SLAP. That’s pretty much how it went down in the pop up tent with the smoking hot blond.
Seriously so funny! You always make me smile and laugh!
Hey, thanks! Smiles are good :)
They are. :)
Wolves are great, actually I have a house full of them (not real ones). When I was a kid I wanted to be like Jim and Jamie Dutcher with the Sawtooth Pack.
As far as PS – well, I suck at that, but I’ve really enjoyed watching you do it!
Hey, thanks! I’m putting together a few more. You’ll be a Photoshop wiz in no time…
I must admit I like the first with you(Dimwit) and the wolf best. But that’s just my humble opinion (mijn bescheiden mening). So, I teached you a little more Dutch words. This time three words. I hope you can cope! ;)
Woah, three words? Slow down there, my Dutchess. Thanks, you dimwit! :)
Okay, I will give you one word for april 30, koninginnedag… ;) I’m slowing down for you with this word, but it’s a difficult one. I hope you can handle it. ;)
Ha! Thanks. I’ll have this language down in no time. Always wanted to learn another language. :)
I would love to hear you say the word ‘koninginedag’. ;)
Have a great weekend! Doei! (Bye!)
There are two specialty ofcefis I would like to work in. My interest are in the nervous system and the endocrine system.In the 12 years I have been with my boyfriend, he has lost two sisters and a brother to different forms of lupus. He also lost his mother to the disease before 20 years before I met him. I feel working with an endocrinologist or neurologist I will be able to learn more on how these system works.The proctologist office would be at the bottom of the list. After experiencing a lower GI to rule out problems in my stomach. I refuse to go through that again.
Okay, I will give you one word for april 30, koninginnedag… ;) I’m slowing down for you with this word, but it’s a difficult one. I hope you can handle it. ;)
This one rocks. Mostly due to all the Bon Jovi comments. Thanks for the laugh.
Hey you got it. I think it’s my favorite so far. Gonna be hard to top the 7 foot tall, hair sprayed, lion’s mane in the bowels of the sewers of New Jersey, but I’ve got some decent ones coming up. Thanks for reading!
Pure awesomeness
Hey, thanks! Cool of you to say.
Double D,
I thought you should know that your picture is now proudly placed next to my Tom Selleck laser printed signed picture on my refrigerator. Congratulations! You’ve made it to the Frigidaire Hall Of Shame! Loving you more today than I did yesterday and even I didn’t think that was possible.
Errorofmyweighs or something.
Heather, darling. I couldn’t be more honored to have made that Frigidaire Hall Of Shame. And next to Tom Selleck?! Well that’s some mighty good company. Thanks for reading! Love you too…
Do you have a spam issue on this blog; I also am a blogger, and I was wneinrdog your situation; many of us have created some nice methods and we are looking to swap strategies with other folks, please shoot me an e-mail if interested.
Briiallnce for free; your parents must be a sweetheart and a certified genius.
Absolutely so bloody perfect that I must add this graphic to a t-shirt along with the Unicorn one for my collection. Yes. A little project for the weekend.
Projects are good. Unicorns and wolves, well you better get busy, cause I’ve got a few more coming up that just might be t-shirt worthy. Thanks for making me smile : )
Loved it. You have given me hope for my feeble photoshop skills.
Well, yes. I am quite the instructor, huh? Wish I woulda had a teacher like this. Thanks for reading, dear.
Talk about a Freudian slip! I just read “Slippery When Wet clocks” as. . .well, shit, you get the picture. Damn you Jon Bon Jovi, why you gotta be so hot??
He is a hottie, not gonna lie. All 7 feet of that lustrious hair sprayed lion’s mane of his. LMFBAO!
Flamingos all the way man! I want to photoshop me as a flamingo. Like Give the flamingo my head and its head be on my body lol! Have you ever seen the alternate universe?
http://alternate-universe.co.uk/time-marshmallow-camp/#
Now that’s a thought. Flamingos, huh. Might have to steal that one some time. Well, thanks for the link. I haven’t seen it but will check it out. Sounds like a warped mine such as myself might be into such a thing as an alternate universe. Thanks!
Cheers pal. I do apaticepre the writing.
Thanks for helping me to see things in a different light.
ha ha, hilarious! I’m beginner in photoshop myself. should get the teacher like you ;)
p.s. thanks for a ‘like’
You got in Mona. I’m here to help. I’m working up a Marry Poppin’s tutorial for the next one so stay tuned… Thanks for reading!
Epic photoshop lesson! Thank you & the Mr. Jon Bon Jovi! Cheers.
And cheers to you! Thanks.
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Of all the great songs in Bon Jovi’s catalog, you know which one pops into my head instantly when Bon Jovi is mentioned? Bed of Freaking Roses. I don’t like it, but at some point that song touched my soul. I’ll even think about it when I see roses. Or beds, sometimes. But thanks for the Photoshop tutorial. I’m going to start putting these on my resume!
Ha! Well you should be land a nice job with these mad skillz. I’m sorry about the Bed of Roses. That must be an awful thing to live with, but we’ve all got our cross to bear, I suppose. Mine is the Baha Men “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Had that damn song stuck in my head for years now. Just gotta stay strong…
Dear Chris,
Thank you for taking the time to appreciate my posts.
I really enjoy your blog too :)
Hey thanks! Really cool of you to say. I’ll give yours more of a read when I have some time. Cheers.
Whoever edits and puilhsbes these articles really knows what they’re doing.
This article achieved exactly what I wanted it to achieve.
I have nominated you for the Sunshine Award.
http://kiralynblue.com/2013/04/25/sunshine-award/
We’re hungry like the wolf for more Dimwit!
Ha! Hey thanks. Sorry I’m just replying. Been trying to get a lot of writing done. You’ll be happy to know I have another Photoshop tutorial coming up…How to turn yourself into a Mary Poppins flying umbrella witch. It’s pretty good, I think. So we’ll see. Anyway, I’ll check out the award sometime this weekend. Thanks again for the nomination. Very kind of you!
Aw, what the hell. I think I will give this one a shot sometime soon!
Do it! They make nice cards for all sorts of occasions – birthdays, get well soon, Valentines, Christmas cards, first communion. Good luck!
I’m trying this now…only with a ferocious Wolf Blitzer…
Ha! That cracked me up. Thanks. Let me know how it turned out.
This is well beyond any skill I have but you’ve made it look easy!
Thanks darling. Stay tuned for the Mary Poppins tutorial. Pretty soon, you’ll all be Photoshop experts. Sweet!
Great concept and post–I will be back for sure…..
Thanks! I’ve got some more Photoshop tutorials I’ve been working on. I think they’re my favorite to do. Hope you’ll come back for some more. Cheers .
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I feel like you’ve buried the headline. Who’s the hot blonde?
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Frank refers to this scar therapy as “silicone injections that aim to help permanently rebuild tissue by stimulating the body’s own collagen production. If surgery or related to the skin, pain is often a major problem. The deep layers heal over a period of six months time normally.